Smile. Come on. I feel like I'm at a funeral.

笑起來，拜託，現在是誰的葬禮嗎

Hey, Cupid, on the right. Your nut's hanging out. Adjust it.

餵，右邊的丘比特，你的蛋跑出來了，塞回去

Let's get those jocks in place. Come on!

內褲都弄好了！

This is where the magic happens.

就是在這裡拍照的了

Wood, how long were you at Chunk Studios?

伍德，你以前在Chunk工作室做了多久的模特

For a couple of years. Before I got recruited by Colt.

好幾年，後來Colt就招了我去

I was so excited to get the call about doing the reunion calendar.

真高興他們給我打電話，說要重聚再拍一個性感日曆

Some of these daddy bears sure have aged well. Uh huh. Oh yeah.

有些大熊老爹還真是越老越性感 真的呢

This is so awesome!

真是太棒了

I haven't seen some of these guys in almost twenty years.

有些人差不多20年沒見過了

There's Gage over there! And there's Tucker.

那是蓋奇！還有那是塔克～

He just did a photo shoot for All Bear Magazine in London.

他最近才給倫敦的All Bear雜誌拍了一組封面

Wood, how you can tell? Their backs are to you.

伍德，你怎麼知道是誰，他們都背對著

I have this weird ability. I never forget an ass. Ever.

這可是我的特異功能，我記得所有見過的屁股，不會忘記！

There's Turbo.

那是特步的

I can even tell people's asses without seeing their faces.

只要看到他們的屁股蛋，我就能知道是誰

They have a name for it. Acute Ass Recognition.

這叫什麼來著？精準臀部識別

Well, you know what they say. It takes one to know one.

是啊，臀部，屁股，就是混蛋白痴都有精英

Now you're going to make me blush.

你這麼誇都讓我不好意思了

But seriously I am an expert when it comes to asses.

相信我，我真是屁股評估專家

You know, yours Nelson

對了，納爾森你的屁股呢

actually remains in the room for a brief second even after you've left because it is so--

每次都能讓別人無語那麼幾秒，因為實在是...

Shut up, Wood!

閉嘴，伍德！

So I'm on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion set

“比弗利嬌妻”片場，我就在那裡

and I'm getting ready to make up Lisa Vanderpump

然後我給Lisa Vandrpump上妝

and Lisa turns to me and she say, "Alfie, can you make me look younger?"

然後她說，阿爾菲，你能讓我變年輕點嗎

And I'm like "Honey, I'm good at me my job but I'm not a miracle worker."

然後我說，'親愛的，我是彩妝師，不是魔法師'

There's not enough concealer in the world, girl!

哪來的那麼多遮瑕霜啊，小姐

I haven't seen that many crow's feet since Hitchcock's "The Birds". You know the movie?"

看過希區柯克的電影'鳥'嗎，我都沒見過比那個更多的魚尾紋

You have no idea what I'm talking about.

其實你不知道我在說什麼，對吧

Not really.

不知道

Not a word gets in there.

一句也不知道

Okay, well you look fan-tabulous so have a wonderful shoot.

好吧，好了你看起來已經帥呆了去拍吧

You know what the hardest part about this has been for me?

知道嗎，現在我拍這個，最難的是什麼

Transforming my body back to its prime.

我的肉已經回不去了

Getting back to my fighting weight.

以前那可是時刻準備戰鬥的肉質

Fighting weight? Who do you plan on fighting? Chris Christie?

什麼戰鬥的肉質？你要打架還是什麼？共和黨克里斯·克里斯蒂！

I loved her on "Three's Company".

哪個克里斯蒂？我喜歡她的表演

Craft services has brownies!

工作餐！巧克力蛋糕！

You know I'm always scouting new talent for Chunk

你知道我一直都在給Ch​​unk工作室招募新人的

so if you change your mind, here's my card.

要是你願意，這是我的名片

Thanks, but I don't think being a Chunk model is for me.

謝謝，不過我想做模特不是我的興趣

Oh, is it the money?

哦，為什麼？是價錢嗎？

No, it was more the part about me giving you a blow job in the back of your car where you lost me.

不是，其實是你想讓我在你車後面給你口交，讓我很困惑

How about the office?

要不就我的辦公室

It wasn't the location that was the issue.

這不是地點的問題

How about a rim job?

你更喜歡添屁股？

I'm good. Thanks.

不用了，謝謝

Well, suit yourself.

好吧，隨便你吧

Great job, guys! Now bend over!

很好！現在都趴下去

Man, these guys are freaking hot.

這些傢伙可真性感

You think these slabs of beef make my va-jay-jay break out into a sweat?

你真以為這些牛肉男能讓我潮噴嗎？

Think again, roid boy.

你是不是類固醇打多了

I'm sorry, I just thought--

對不起，我只是想...

You know what I want?

你知道我想什麼？

Bring me Angelina Jolie dipped in chocolate and let me lick it off her

給我把安吉麗娜·朱莉浸在巧克力裡，我要添她個遍

and then maybe I wouldn't feel so dead inside.

要是那樣，我現在就不會那麼痛苦了

Okay, let's spread your asses!

好了！屁股都給我打開

See anything you like?

看到喜歡的帥哥嗎

I can look, right?

我可以看，對嗎

Wood? Wood Burns? Oh my god, is that really you?

伍德？伍德·伯恩斯？天啊，是你嗎？

Oh, wow, it really is you. I can't believe I'm standing next to Wood Burns.

天啊還真的是你，真不敢相信我現在站在伍德·伯恩斯的旁邊

That is so crazy. I was just down there sleeping.

不可思議！我剛剛還只是躺在那裡，打盹

I'm sorry. I'm Oscar. Oscar Butterfield. It is so nice to meet you. Hi.

不好意思，我叫奧斯卡，奧斯卡·巴特菲爾德，真高興見到你 你好

I am like your biggest fan. You don't know. You have no idea. You do not know. I don't.

我可是你的大粉絲，你不知道吧，你肯定不知道，不知道吧 我不知道

I love your calendars, your movies.

我喜歡你的日曆照片，你的影片

I have seen "Single White Butt Hole" hundreds of times! That's great.

我看過你的毛片有幾百遍 謝謝

And I love Wood's Bear Cam.

我也愛‘伍德視頻頻道’

I have masturbated to you a lot so thank you for that. You're welcome.

我看著那個，打了很多次手槍 不用謝

When Chunk Studios announced they were going to do a reunion shoot, I said, "I have to get on that set!" And I did.

當時聽到Chunk工作室要拍一個日曆，我就說，我一定要來，於是我就來了

I actually had to crawl through a lot of raw sewage last night sort of like Hugh Jackman in "Les Miz".

實際上，我是偷偷從下水道裡爬進來的，就像休·傑克曼在'悲慘世界'裡那樣

Did you see that? Yes. Yeah, it was fine.

你看過嗎？是的。對，其實還好

Anyway, I washed up in the sink so I'm good. Fresh as a daisy.

算了，我已經洗乾淨了，乾淨得像朵小菊花

I'm all good. I had a nice little nap underneath the pretzels.

我很好，而且我還在那堆餅乾下面睡了一下

And I just wanted to know if I could have your autograph right here. Just across my tits. Just

其實呢，我就想讓你幫我簽個名，就簽在這裡，簽在我胸口

Just write "Property of Wood Burns". Because that's the truth. You own me, baby.

就寫，'伍德·伯恩斯所有'，因為我是屬於你的，佔有我，親愛的

You are... Oh my god... Wood Burns. Right here. Right here. On my tits.

你真是... 天啊... 伍德·伯恩斯，這裡，這裡，胸口

Security!

保全在嗎

Wow. That guy is a huge fan of your friend's.

嗯，那傢伙還真是你朋友的個大粉絲

I totally get it though. I'm kind of a fan of yours.

我完全理解他，因為我本人就是你的粉絲

Really? Oh, you must have seen my performance as the tormented single father with OCD

真的嗎？哦，你一定是看了我演的那個強迫症單親父親的角色

in the Hallmark Channel movie "I Can't Stop Washing My Hands."

那是有線頻道的電視電影'我一直在洗手'

By the way, I did all my own hand work in the close-ups. It wasn't a hand model.

而且，所有的特寫的洗手鏡頭都是我，不是替身哦

No. I'm talking about your commercial.

不是，我說的是你的廣告

Oh, Soak 'Ems?

哦，‘洗得快’成人尿布

Yeah. Just thinking of you in that diaper makes me want to shoot my load right here.

是的，只要一想到你穿著那大尿布，就讓我勃起得不行

It's fate us running into each other.

我們今天見面，絕對是天意

I just got cast as the lead in a low budget horror movie

我才得到一個主角的機會，是個小成本恐怖電影

and you would be perfect as the small town sheriff.

你很適合演一個小城鎮警官

I would be happy to pass your information along to the director.

我倒是很願意和導演說一聲

Seriously? You know he can look me up at NelsonDorkoff.com.

真的嗎？我的信息都在我的個人網站上，納爾森·多科夫，點com

You would do that for me? Absolutely.

你會嗎 當然

I love you!

我愛你！

Did I mention that I'm also really into older guys?

而且我還喜歡成熟的老男人

Oh, great. You must be his assistant. Would you mind grabbing me a banana, granola, some yogurt and all that stuff?

啊，你一定是他的助理吧，你能給我拿個香蕉，麥片，還有份酸乳？

Oh, this is Todd. This is my boyfriend Todd.

哦不是，這是托德，是我男友

Your boyfriend? Yeah.

你男友 是啊

Oh. Well I don't see it. But hey, I'm Buzz. Great to meet you.

哇，我沒看出來；對了，我是巴斯，很高興認識你

As in buzz off?

'巴斯'?所以可以閃開一個'光年'嗎

Hey, I just realized they probably need me. I'm a model.

哈，我想他們也許可能在叫我了，我是這裡的模特

These tits, they don't work for themselves. You know what I mean?

你知道的，我這胸肌，他們可不會自己工作

Smile. Okay, try and be sexy.

微笑，好的，來點性感的

Okay I don't know what that is. One more.

好吧我不知道那是什麼，再來一個

Okay I think July is wrapped.

好了7月拍完了

Let's just skip to December. Where is my sexy Santa?

現在來拍12月，我的性感聖誕老人在哪裡

Uncle Sam wants you.

我山姆大叔要的就是這個

You had me, Wood. For two years. In every conceivable position.

你要過了，伍德，兩年呢，各種姿勢都要過了

Austin Walker? Is that really you?

奧斯丁·沃克？真的是你嗎？

Wow. How long has it been?

天啊，多久了

Over fifteen years.

超過15年了吧

Since you dumped me for that twenty-one year old model you met on your first day at Colt.

從你去了Colt以後，和那個21歲的小模特在一起，你甩了我

How did that work out?

說說你是怎麼甩的

He stole my car.

是他偷了我的車

Wood, aren't you going to introduce me?

伍德，你要不要介紹一下

No. So what are you up to these days?

不要。所以你現在都在做什麼？

I'm a chiropractor. I have my own practice.

我現在是脊椎按摩師，我有自己的診所

Listen, I have to get back to work but don't leave without getting my number.

好了，我得去拍照了，別忘了我的電話號碼

It's so weird being back in front of a camera. I almost forgot how to model.

又做模特感覺真怪，我差不多忘記了要怎麼擺姿勢了

I know a few poses I wouldn't mind seeing you in--

我倒是知道幾個可能適合你的姿勢

No, no, no, no.

不，不，不，不

That looks festive.

很好很喜慶

You know what, that's a wrap.

好了，今天就到這裡了

Great job, guys. They don't pay me enough.

很好，各位。他們真該給我漲工資

Great shoot, Cody. You're a natural in front of that camera.

拍得好，科迪，你鏡頭感真好

Thanks. But I'm beat. I'm going to need a long soak in my hot tub tonight.

謝謝，不過還真是累，我想今晚我得好好地泡個熱水澡

All alone?

一個人？

Who knows?

你說呢？

What are you doing here?

你怎麼在這裡？

No! No!

不！不要！