Give it up for me, guys.

為我鼓掌吧，夥計們

Thank you, man.

謝謝

Appreciate it.

謝謝。

Thank you, man.

謝謝

Thank you.

謝謝。

I'm lying, man. I'm lying.

我在撒謊我在撒謊

There's just no better applause than fat-loss applause.

沒有比減脂更好的掌聲了。

You ever notice that?

你注意到了嗎？

Fat-loss applause is the best.

減脂的掌聲是最棒的。

You can't beat it, man.

你不能打敗它，夥計。

It's not illegal to lie about weight loss.

在減肥問題上撒謊並不違法。

I do it all the time. Applause feels good.

我經常這樣做。鼓掌的感覺很好。

You should try it, you know?

你應該試試，知道嗎？

Anytime I'm feeling down, I walk into a random Starbucks.

每當我情緒低落時，我就會隨意走進一家星巴克。

Nobody knows me.

沒人認識我

I'm like, hey, guys, I may interrupt your studying, but one year ago today, I lost 100 pounds, man.

我想，嘿，夥計們，我可能會打擾你們學習，但一年前的今天，我減掉了100磅，夥計。

People started crying and shit.

人們開始大哭大鬧。

They buy me free skinny latte.

他們給我買免費的瘦拿鐵。

It's a good time. Promise me you'll try it.

這是個好時機答應我你會試試

My name is Chinadu. That's my real name.

我叫奇納杜。這是我的真名。

It's Nigerian, you know?

這是尼日利亞，你知道嗎？

It makes me a Nigerian comedian.

這讓我成為尼日利亞喜劇演員。

It's no different being, like, a regular comedian, but it's really hard for me to build my fan base because nobody trusts me with their e-mail.

這和普通喜劇演員沒什麼兩樣，但我很難建立自己的粉絲群，因為沒有人相信我會用他們的電子郵件。

And I'm not this fam guy. It's my own...

我不是這個範姆這是我自己的...

I was trying to learn how to speak my native language better.

我正在努力學習如何更好地說我的母語。

It's called Igbo, you know?

這叫伊格博語，你知道嗎？

It's kind of my dad's fault. He tried to teach me too late.

這是我爸爸的錯。他教得太晚了

I was in high school. My dad got the bright idea.

我當時在上高中。我爸爸靈機一動

He tried to teach his son his native language.

他努力教兒子學習母語。

I came home with a full backpack, just left basketball practice.

我揹著滿滿的書包回家，剛剛結束籃球訓練。

My dad had a bunch of Igbo words on the wall.

我爸爸在牆上貼了一堆伊格博語單詞。

He was like, Chinadu, don't you want to learn some Igbo?

他說，奇納杜，你不想學點伊格博語嗎？

Yes.

是的。

I'm like, yeah, man, but I got Spanish homework.

我想，是的，但我有西班牙語作業。

I ain't got time for this shit. I'm busy now.

我沒時間跟你廢話我現在很忙

I know Spanish, but I don't do Igbo.

我懂西班牙語，但不會伊格博語。

That's embarrassing me like another Nigerian born in Nigeria because they'll judge you.

這讓我像另一個出生在尼日利亞的尼日利亞人一樣尷尬，因為他們會對你評頭論足。

Your name is Chinadu. Do you speak Igbo?

你叫奇納杜你會說伊格博語嗎？

I'd be like, my brother, my brother, my brother.

我會說，我的兄弟，我的兄弟，我的兄弟。

Más o menos. That's the best I can do.

更多或更少。這是我能做的最好的了。

I speak Spanish in the Igbo accent.

我用伊格博口音說西班牙語。

Hope they don't notice.

希望他們不會注意到。

I'm holding back a cough.

我強忍著咳嗽。

Is it? Can I cough in public yet?

是嗎？我還能在公共場合咳嗽嗎？

Is that allowed? You know, it felt good.

可以嗎？你知道，這感覺很好。

I don't got COVID, I promise you.

我沒有 COVID，我向你保證。

Anybody have COVID right now?

現在有人有 COVID 嗎？

No?

不是嗎？

Make some noise if you never got COVID.

如果你從未收到過 COVID，那就發出點聲音吧。

Never got COVID?

從未獲得過 COVID？

Never got COVID?

從未獲得過 COVID？

Man, grow up.

夥計，成熟點吧。

Get you some COVID, man. What you waiting for?

來點COVID吧還等什麼？

Pandemic come around every hundred years.

大流行病每一百年就會出現一次。

Test your immune system out.

測試你的免疫系統

You probably had it a bunch of times.

你可能已經吃過很多次了。

You just, you know, like systematic or some shit.

你只是，你知道，喜歡系統化或一些狗屎。

Am I saying it right?

我說得對嗎？

You know what the fuck I mean.

你他媽知道我的意思

You probably killed 10 grandmas, don't even know it.

你可能殺了十個老奶奶都不知道。

Why everybody keep passing out around here?

為什麼每個人都暈倒在這裡？

Quarantine was rough, you know?

檢疫很艱難，你知道嗎？

My girlfriend, she called me B-Nog during the quarantine.

我女朋友在隔離期間叫我 B-Nog。

This ever happen to you, bro?

你遇到過這種情況嗎，兄弟？

No? What time you do it?

沒有？你什麼時候做的？

You don't do it? Get the fuck out of here.

你不做嗎？給我滾出去

I don't masturbate.

我不手淫。

She called me, man.

她給我打電話了

I was mad how mad she was to offer it to her first.

我很生氣，她是多麼生氣，才會先給她。

But she said no. I was like, cool, I'm going to go read.

但她拒絕了我當時想，酷，我要去看書了。

I thought we knew what that meant.

我以為我們都知道這意味著什麼。

Everybody reads with a boner, man.

每個人看書的時候都是勃起的，夥計。

She was mad because she saw a laptop on my bed.

她很生氣，因為她看到我床上有一臺筆記本電腦。

She thought I was watching a porno.

她以為我在看黃片。

And I was.

我也是。

But I told her I barely watch at all.

但我告訴她，我幾乎不看。

It's the truth. I cut back.

這是事實。我縮減了開支

I'll never forget the day.

我永遠不會忘記那一天。

It's two years ago.

這是兩年前的事了。

I finished doing what I came to do.

我做完了我要做的事。

And instead of just leaving like an adult,

而不是像個成年人一樣離開、

I was about to leave a comment on the video.

我正要給視頻留言。

I was like, whoa, I am done.

我當時想，哇，我完了。

I'm a comment king now?

我現在是評論王了？

I judge those motherfuckers, man.

我審判那些混蛋

You ever see no videos with like 300 comments on them?

你見過有 300 條評論的視頻嗎？

Who are these niggas, man?

這些黑鬼是誰？

Just come and go, man. Be an adult.

來去自由做個成年人

Could have been better. Like, what the fuck?

本來可以更好的。比如，搞什麼鬼？

They making friends and shit.

他們交朋友什麼的

Now, the real reason I stopped watching porn, because all my favorite porn stars, they left the game.

現在，我不再看色情片的真正原因是，我最喜歡的色情明星都離開了這個遊戲。

They gone.

他們走了。

Everyone I screw up with, they all gone, bro.

我搞砸的每個人，他們都走了，兄弟。

You know what's fucked up when they leave?

你知道他們離開時什麼最糟糕嗎？

They don't tell you.

他們沒有告訴你。

They just go.

他們就這樣走了。

Porn stars should announce their retirement like athletes, man.

色情明星應該像運動員一樣宣佈退役，老兄。

You got fans, baby.

你有粉絲，寶貝

There's this one young lady named Michelle Tucker.

有一位名叫米歇爾-塔克的年輕女士。

She didn't drop a new video in like five years.

她大概有五年沒有推出新視頻了。

And I got worried about her.

我很擔心她

I thought she tore her ACL, right?

她不是前十字韌帶撕裂了嗎？

Then she sexed it overseas.

然後，她把它帶到了國外。

Turns out she quit.

結果她辭職了。

And now she sells Herbalife.

現在，她在銷售康寶萊。

This is a true story.

這是一個真實的故事。

Another one, she passed away not too long ago.

還有一個，她不久前去世了。

It was very sad on multiple levels, because she got a lot of great clips, but I can't.

這在多個層面上都令人非常難過，因為她得到了很多很棒的片段，但我不能。

I can't watch no more, man.

我看不下去了，夥計。

I can't beat off to no ghosts.

我不能向鬼魂屈服。

I can't do that shit.

我做不到

Come on, man.

來吧，夥計。

I ain't no Ghostbuster, man.

我又不是魔鬼剋星，夥計

I ain't no Ghostbuster, man. Can't be out here.

我又不是魔鬼剋星，夥計不能來這裡

Just out here beating off the spirits.

只是在這裡打發時間

That's how your house get hunted.

你的房子就是這樣被獵殺的。

My girl, she offered to watch the porno with me.

我的女孩，她提出要和我一起看黃片。

You ever done this? You ever part...

你做過這個嗎？你曾經...

No, not yet?

還沒有？

Yeah, I turn it down, too.

是啊，我也拒絕了。

She's a bad movie watcher.

她不愛看電影

And I don't want to see the porno version of that shit.

我可不想看色情版的那玩意兒。

We were watching Spider-Man one time.

有一次我們在看《蜘蛛俠》。

She was like, why does Spider-Man always got to be in New York?

她就說，為什麼蜘蛛俠總是在紐約？

I'm like, because that's the foundation of the fucking movie.

我想，因為這就是這部電影的基礎。

She's like, well, I can't be in a small town.

她說，我不能待在小鎮上。

Small towns need love.

小鎮需要愛。

I'm like, there's not enough buildings in small towns.

我就想，小城鎮裡的建築太少了。

Nobody try and watch Spider-Man fly from Chipotle to Buffalo and try to see that shit.

誰也別想看蜘蛛俠從奇波特爾飛到水牛城，誰也別想看那玩意兒。

I'm getting older now.

我現在年紀大了。

So questions on dates are a lot more serious.

是以，關於約會的問題要嚴肅得多。

I was dating this one young lady, and she was like, why don't you want to get married?

我和一位年輕女士約會，她問我，你為什麼不想結婚？

You just told me you would die for me.

你剛說你會為我而死

I said, that's true. I would die for you.

我說，那是真的。我願意為你而死

But getting married, especially to the wrong person, is like dying slowly.

但是，結婚，尤其是和錯誤的人結婚，就像慢慢死去一樣。

I wouldn't die slowly for nobody right now.

我現在不會為任何人慢慢死去。

I'll die suddenly for a lot of people.

我會為很多人猝死。

I'm a hero at heart. I can feel it.

我內心是個英雄我能感覺到

But I don't want to get tortured to death.

但我不想被折磨致死。

You have to really think about that.

你必須認真考慮這一點。

Even when you're suicidal, when you want to die.

即使你有自殺傾向，即使你想死。

You jump off the 100th floor.

你從第 100 層跳下去。

You don't jump off the second floor 100 times, right?

你不會從二樓跳下100次吧？

It's quick. It's fast.

它很快。速度快

You shoot yourself to death.

你一槍打死了自己。

You don't pistol-whip yourself to death.

你不能用手槍把自己打死。

It's...

這...

I was on one date, and it's the first date.

我只約會過一次，而且是第一次約會。

And I walk in the young lady to her car, and she says, well, make sure you walk on this side of the street.

我走進那位年輕女士的車，她說，好吧，確保你走在街道的這一邊。

What's the rule again? In case of a car comes, you die first, right? That's it.

規則是什麼來著？萬一發生車禍，你先死，對吧？就是這樣

Look, I'm with it.

聽著，我同意。

Not the first date, though. Come on, man.

但不是第一次約會別這樣

Don't be ridiculous.

別傻了。

Keep your eyes on the street.

眼睛盯著街上。

I don't even know if you like me yet.

我甚至還不知道你是否喜歡我。

Yeah, what it look like dying on the first date?

是啊，第一次約會就死了像什麼樣子？

Don't die on the first date, fella.

別第一次約會就死了，夥計。

She ain't going to the funeral.

她不會去參加葬禮的

She not going.

她不去

I can hear the conversation now.

我現在能聽到他們的對話了。

Girl, you think I should go? Girl, don't go.

姑娘，你覺得我應該去嗎？姑娘，別走

You didn't know him like that.

你不瞭解他

But I think it's right.

但我認為這是正確的。

Girl, he died for you on the first date.

姑娘，他第一次約會就為你死了。

That nigga thirsty.

那黑鬼渴了

I'm a little tired. I'm not going to lie.

我有點累了。不瞞你說

I was on a red-eye flight a couple of days ago, and I couldn't sleep the whole flight because I had a very big responsibility.

幾天前，我乘坐紅眼班機，整個飛行過程中我都無法入睡，因為我肩負著非常重大的責任。

I was an exit row member.

我是出口排的成員。

Has anyone here ever flown in the exit row before?

這裡有人坐過出口排的飛機嗎？

Then you know what it is. It's a big deal.

那你就知道它是什麼了。這是件大事

I love it. It's a great honor.

我很喜歡這是莫大的榮譽。

But the worst part about the exit row is that when you land safely, nobody thinks you for your service.

但出口排最糟糕的是，當你安全著陸時，沒有人會因為你的服務而對你產生好感。

No one thinks you.

沒有人認為你

It's rude, because they take it serious.

這很無禮，因為他們很認真。

For those who haven't flown, the flight attendant, he or she comes up, and she's like, you know, are you willing and able to assist in case of an emergency?

對於那些沒有坐過飛機的人來說，空姐會上前詢問，你是否願意並能夠在緊急情況下提供幫助？

And you can't just give a thumbs up.

你不能只是豎起大拇指。

They'll yell at you, sir, I need a verbal yes.

他們會對你大喊大叫，先生，我需要你口頭答應。

They'll slap you in the face.

他們會給你一記耳光。

A lot of people just say yes, but I can tell the way they say it, they don't mean it.

很多人只是說 "是"，但我可以從他們說的方式看出，他們並不是真心的。

Me, I take my time with those questions, because I don't want to lie.

我則會慢慢回答這些問題，因為我不想撒謊。

I'm like, am I able?

我想，我能做到嗎？

Yes, I am able, thank God.

是的，我有能力，感謝上帝。

My arms and legs work.

我的胳膊和腿都在工作。

But am I willing?

但我願意嗎？

That's a heavy question, man.

這是個沉重的問題

I sit with it for a little bit.

我坐了一會兒。

I turn around, I look at the passengers behind me, and I think to myself, I don't know these niggas.

我轉過身，看著身後的乘客，心想，我不認識這些黑鬼。

But they come with the leg room, so yes.

但它們有腿部空間，所以是的。

I am willing, and I mean it.

我願意，而且我是認真的。

I read the whole pamphlet.

我讀了整本小冊子。

I take different trips to the bathroom, just checking on shit, you know?

我上廁所的次數也不一樣，只是檢查一下，你知道嗎？

By the time the flight lands, I'm exhausted.

飛機降落時，我已經筋疲力盡。

But nobody class with me, man.

但沒人跟我一起上課

Not a head, not nothing.

沒有頭，什麼都沒有。

You know how the pilot, he's standing next to the entrance, because he wants you to know that he flew the plane?

你知道飛行員是怎麼站在入口旁邊的嗎，因為他想讓你知道飛機是他開的？

He'd be like, yes, that was me who landed you motherfuckers.

他會說，是的，是我讓你們這些混蛋上岸的。

I stand right next to him, that was I in the exit row.

我就站在他旁邊，那就是坐在出口排的我。

I'm willing and able.

我願意，也有能力。

Nobody cares.

沒人在乎

I get my get back, though.

不過，我還是拿回了我的東西。

I go straight to baggage claim.

我直接去領取行李。

When everybody's trying to leave,

當所有人都想離開的時候

I stand right there by the bags.

我就站在袋子旁邊。

I say, look, everybody, I know you're just trying to go home and see your family, but one year ago today,

我說，各位，我知道你們只是想回家看看家人，但一年前的今天、

I lost 100 pounds, man.

我減掉了 100 磅，夥計。

All right, guys, appreciate it, man.

好了，夥計們，謝謝你們。

Go to the rest of the show.

觀看節目的其他部分。