Why is money such a source of conflict in our relationships?

為什麼金錢會成為我們人際關係中衝突的根源？

Quite often, we're worried that we're going to be judged, or maybe we're with somebody who's more controlling than we would like them to be.

很多時候，我們擔心自己會被人評頭論足，或者我們身邊的某個人比我們希望的更具控制慾。

The way that we think we are behaving with our money may be different than the way that our partner is experiencing financial decisions in our household.

我們認為自己的理財方式可能與伴侶在家庭財務決策中的體驗不同。

None of us are perfect around money.

在金錢面前，我們都不是完美的。

Somebody might be a spender, somebody might be a saver, but if you can work through these financial differences, that you can come out much stronger.

有人可能是花錢大戶，有人可能是儲蓄大戶，但如果你們能解決這些財務分歧，你們就會變得更加強大。

Having shared understanding about what you want money to do or mean in your relationship helps to set a foundation for so many other aspects of your relationship.

共同瞭解你們希望金錢在你們的關係中起到什麼作用或意味著什麼，有助於為你們關係的許多其他方面奠定基礎。

You'll have increased intimacy and increased marital satisfaction.

你們會增加親密感，提高婚姻滿意度。

It can be tricky, but it is really important to power through and to engage in those conversations.

這可能很棘手，但堅持下去並參與這些對話確實很重要。

So, how can we take the danger out of talking about money with our partner?

那麼，如何才能消除與伴侶談論金錢時的危險呢？

This is your Brain on Money.

這就是你的 "金錢大腦"。

Hello again, Dr. Cable.

又見面了，凱布爾博士

So how does the brain process this fear around the topic of money, especially when it comes to a romantic relationship?

那麼，大腦是如何處理這種對金錢話題的恐懼的，尤其是在涉及到戀愛關係時？

Romantic relationships are important to our lives.

浪漫關係對我們的生活非常重要。

Threats of exclusion, threats of losing that relationship are one of the strongest drivers of the areas of the brain that register pain.

被排斥的威脅、失去關係的威脅是大腦中記錄疼痛區域的最強驅動力之一。

The same areas of the brain that register physical pain, the potential for losing that close relationship is perceived as a very serious cost.

大腦中記錄身體疼痛的區域相同，失去親密關係的可能性被認為是一個非常嚴重的代價。

And when people get so in their heads around money, they think if we start to talk about money, it could ruin the relationship.

當人們被金錢衝昏頭腦時，就會認為如果我們開始談論金錢，就會毀掉這段關係。

They'll come in and they'll say something like this to me.

他們進來後會對我說這樣的話。

We don't talk about money because when we talk about money, we fight.

我們不談錢，因為一談錢就會吵架。

So we don't talk about money ever, except for when we have to.

是以，我們從不談錢，除非迫不得已。

So conflicts are inevitable and they often offer an opportunity for us to improve our relationship with money.

是以，衝突在所難免，而衝突往往為我們提供了改善與金錢關係的機會。

When you're struggling with your partner, not seeing eye to eye, understanding that this is an opportunity perhaps for you to modify your beliefs around money so that you can be healthier around money.

當你與伴侶意見不合時，要明白這或許是一個機會，讓你修正自己對金錢的看法，從而讓自己在金錢面前更健康。

Okay, so we all perceive things differently, which is why it's so important for couples to align on their money goals.

好吧，我們每個人對事物的看法都不盡相同，這就是為什麼夫妻在金錢目標上保持一致如此重要。

So how do they do it?

那麼，他們是如何做到的呢？

It's complicated.

這很複雜。

We don't have a lot of modeling for it.

我們沒有太多的模型。

And talking about money is hard because often when we talk about it, our emotions are already high.

而談論金錢是一件很難的事情，因為當我們談論它的時候，情緒往往已經很激動了。

The stakes are high and that it can be a little bit scarier to engage in these conversations because you love that person.

這其中的利害關係很大，而且因為你愛那個人，所以參與這些對話可能會有點可怕。

That person loves you.

那個人愛你

You're building a life together.

你們正在共同建設生活。

And when do we have to talk about money in a relationship?

在戀愛關係中，我們什麼時候必須談錢？

When things big are happening, like, oh shoot, I got fired.

當大事發生時，比如，哦，我被解僱了。

Or, oh my gosh, I got a great job opportunity.

或者，天哪，我得到了一個很好的工作機會。

Or, oh, by the way, the car's totaled.

或者，哦，對了，這輛車已經報廢了。

What are we gonna do?

我們該怎麼辦？

And so when you're only talking about money, when things are tense, it creates this feedback loop, this self-fulfilling prophecy of, if we talk about money, we fight.

是以，當你只談錢的時候，當事情很緊張的時候，就會產生這種反饋迴路，這種自我實現的預言：如果我們談錢，我們就會吵架。

So the answer is then we just don't talk about it.

所以答案是，那我們就不說了。

But that's just not the best way forward.

但這並不是最好的辦法。

You might be nervous or anxious or overwhelmed, or you saw other family members or parents struggle with this.

你可能會緊張、焦慮或不知所措，或者你看到過其他家庭成員或父母在這方面的掙扎。

But here's your chance for it not to take you and your relationship out.

但是，這是你的機會，它不會讓你和你的關係受到影響。

And that means, yes, being vulnerable and dealing with some stuff that's really hard.

這意味著，是的，要脆弱，要面對一些非常困難的事情。

Really ask yourself, do you want a successful relationship?

捫心自問，你想要一段成功的關係嗎？

Do you want a happy relationship?

你想要一段幸福的關係嗎？

A lot of ways that we can have these conversations without it being conflictual really starts with our tone and our posture.

要想在對話中不發生衝突，很多方法都要從我們的語氣和姿勢開始。

How are we communicating?

我們如何溝通？

Are we coming from a one-up position as if we know better?

我們是否站在自高自大的立場上，好像我們更瞭解自己？

Are we coming with a way that just makes our partner feel less than?

我們的方式是否會讓我們的伴侶覺得自己不如對方？

Or are we communicating, you know, when you said that, that particular way, that really affected me?

或者我們是在交流，你知道，當你說那句話時，那種特殊的方式，真的影響了我嗎？

The more that we're having conversation, we're being open and vulnerable, and just being willing to hear our partner, that can really help.

我們的對話越多，我們就越開放，越脆弱，越願意傾聽伴侶的心聲，這真的很有幫助。

It's very important also for both partners to be financially literate and for one to not yield responsibility for the finances to the other.

同樣重要的是，伴侶雙方都要有財務知識，一方不能把財務責任推給另一方。

This can set people up for financial abuse, for financial infidelity, a lack of financial stability.

這可能會使人們陷入財務濫用、財務不忠、缺乏財務穩定性的境地。

It's really important for both partners to be on the same page with how we're managing money, where the money's going, because chances are, both will need to do that at some point in their lives.

對於伴侶雙方來說，在如何理財、錢的去向等問題上保持一致非常重要，因為很有可能雙方在一生中的某個階段都需要這樣做。

For some couples, the language we use can be crucial.

對於某些夫妻來說，我們使用的語言可能至關重要。

For example, the word budget can bring up lots of negative emotions.

例如，"預算 "這個詞會讓人產生很多負面情緒。

When we think of a budget, we think of cutting out all the things that we enjoy in life.

一提到預算，我們就會想到要砍掉生活中所有我們喜歡的東西。

What a terrible emotional experience.

多麼可怕的情感經歷

And to do that with your partner is even worse because you get to sit across the table and point at each other and all the stuff they love and tell them they got to cut it out.

而和伴侶一起做這件事就更糟糕了，因為你們可以坐在桌子對面，指著對方和他們喜歡的所有東西，告訴他們必須把這些東西刪掉。

It's the absolute wrong way to approach it.

這絕對是錯誤的做法。

What you need to do is develop a spending plan.

你需要做的是制定一個支出計劃。

Ooh, doesn't that feel better?

哦，感覺是不是好多了？

Like, what do you want to spend your money on?

比如，你想把錢花在什麼地方？

What matters to you?

什麼對你重要？

What are the most important things to you?

對你來說最重要的是什麼？

Picturing yourself in the future.

想象自己的未來。

What are you doing?

你在幹什麼？

What are your goals?

您的目標是什麼？

What does retirement look like to you?

對你來說，退休是什麼樣子？

Get very, very specific.

要非常非常具體。

Because money is a taboo topic for a lot of us, we oftentimes don't uncover the experiences of our partner when it comes to finances, how they grew up with money, what they did at a young age.

由於金錢對我們很多人來說都是一個禁忌的話題，所以我們往往不會去了解我們的伴侶在財務方面的經歷，他們是如何與金錢打交道的，他們在年輕的時候都做了些什麼。

It's really important for us to understand not only our money history, but our partner's money history.

對我們來說，不僅要了解自己的金錢歷史，還要了解伴侶的金錢歷史，這一點非常重要。

Because our behaviors around money, our hangups around money, our mistakes around money all make perfect sense when you understand the history.

因為當你瞭解了歷史之後，我們圍繞金錢的行為、圍繞金錢的困擾、圍繞金錢的錯誤都會變得合情合理。

And so taking some of the tension out of these money conversations starts with understanding perspective so that you're not going into a financial conversation, setting off a bunch of emotional and psychological triggers that they have around money.

是以，要消除金錢對話中的緊張氣氛，首先要了解對方的觀點，這樣你在進行財務對話時，就不會觸發對方圍繞金錢產生的一系列情緒和心理誘因。

And it also gives you an avenue for resolving it.

這也為你提供瞭解決問題的途徑。

It's not about right or wrong.

這無關對錯。

It's about getting to a mutual understanding, sometimes compromising, and sometimes agreeing to disagree.

這是一種相互理解，有時是妥協，有時是同意不同意。

Because when we talk about money with our partner, we're creating plans to make sure that we have covered our fears and we're working towards our goals and dreams.

因為當我們與伴侶談論金錢時，我們正在制定計劃，以確保我們已經克服了恐懼，我們正在努力實現我們的目標和夢想。

And that rekindles that intimacy and can really strengthen that relationship.

這將重新點燃親密關係，並能真正加強這種關係。