They're from mainland China and it's kind of all they ever really speak.

Mandarin is not my first language.

I only ever speak it in a life or death situation, like if I'm in a Chinese restaurant and there's no pictures on the menu.

And I pretend it doesn't break my parents' hearts when they hear me say, but I'm in Australia and in Australia everyone here speaks English, like I don't need to know any Mandarin.

And like cryptic fortune tellers they would say, but it is important for your future.

Not that I trust my parents because here's the type of people they are.

They named me Jenny after Jenny in the 1994 film Forrest Gump.

And when they say, I love you Jenny, I feel like they're just quoting the movie.

No, I'm kidding.

Asian parents don't say I love you.

So we flash back to the year 2010.

I hang out with my best friend in the world Vivian and we do things like go to bubble tea stands and we call each other every single night.

And regardless of your mathematical ability, everyone in the 2010s knew this very important equation, which is...

The higher the price of the phone bill, the stronger the friendship.

And me and Vivian had very expensive phone bills.

Now one day we're sitting in class and the teacher makes an announcement.

She says that we are welcoming a new student to class today.

Her name is Stephanie and she's just moved over from China.

And when Stephanie says hello to everyone, she's got a really clear distinct Chinese accent and it's obvious that she's not as familiar with English.

So I want to make her feel welcome and I introduce myself to her after class.

And she responds with...

Which means, do you speak Mandarin?

And I say...

Which means yes.

Very impressive.

Because me speaking in Mandarin makes someone else feel included.

And there is no one else in my class that can do this.

I feel like I'm the horse whisperer or the dog whisperer.

Except I'm the Chinese whisperer.

And also like the game Chinese Whispers, I can only make out about half of what the other person's saying.

Now I slowly introduce Stephanie to my circle of friends, including to Vivian.

Now the thing is, aside from English, Vivian only knows Cantonese.

Whereas I only know Mandarin and Stephanie knows both.

And Mandarin, by the way, is not the same thing as Cantonese.

Mandarin is more common, more widely spoken, more popular and therefore superior.

And as Vivian and Stephanie get closer and closer, I just find myself on the sidelines a lot just listening to Cantonese.

And me and Vivian's phone bills become very affordable.

Now I kind of try to join in to Stephanie and Vivian's conversations, but I don't really know any Cantonese aside from...

Yeah, we've got some Cantonese people in.

Yeah, that one means, have a happy new year.

And the other one I know is...

Which means, fuck your mum.

I mean, it's clear what's happening here, right?

Like Stephanie is a thief and she's stealing my best friend away.

Fuck Stephanie.

Fuck Vivian.

Fuck the Cantonese.

More like Cuntanese.

Now one day I'm sitting around during lunchtime and someone starts and she goes, oh my god, that international student is so annoying.

And I'm like, yeah, I find her frustrating too.

And she goes, do you want to know what Stephanie said about you?

Stephanie said, your Mandarin is so awful.

She thought you had a mental disability.

Now my immediate instinct is to go up to Stephanie and say, but I don't.

Instead, I just sit and I stew on self-destructive thoughts.

I'm like, yeah, my Mandarin is really awful.

I mean, no wonder Stephanie didn't want to be friends with me.

How embarrassing that I tried.

How humiliating.

So from that day forward, I vow that I will never speak Mandarin again.

Eventually, everyone realises that Stephanie is a cunt.

And the international student finds a new group of friends.

Me and Vivian go back to being best friends again and everything returns to normal.

Except of course, I still refuse to speak Mandarin.

Then fast forward a couple of years, I get invited to a relative's wedding.

This wedding is in China.

Fun fact about China, everyone speaks Chinese.

Even the Cantonese know how to speak Mandarin.

They just choose not to speak it around me because they are small, petty people.

Now, when I'm at this wedding, it is so intense.

I've got all these relatives coming up to me saying, hey, you've gotten so fat.

And then they would tell me to eat more and keep eating and eating and eating.

Because clearly they love gaslighting.

So I excuse myself and I just, I take a breather.

I roam around the shops and then I see something that catches my eye.

A glimmer of familiarity.

It's a bubble tea stand.

Now bubble tea, if you don't know what that is by this point, you need some fucking help.

Right, it's like tea, but way better.

It is also my biggest daily financial investment.

It's about $9 for a cup of one of these.

And in return, I receive joy.

And diabetes, but also joy.

And this isn't just some like ordinary bubble tea.

This is deluxe bubble tea.

And I know because it's got like the red plastic hearts on top.

Right, not like that char time bullshit.

So I very excitedly, I go up to the counter and I order.

And I'm so excited to get this bubble tea.

But then when I open my mouth, I can't, I can't name any fruits.

Like I can't even identify a colour.

The images in my mind are really clear, but there's no words that'll come out.

And that's when it hits me.

I don't know how to speak Mandarin anymore.

So from that day forward, I vow to be more in touch with my cultural roots.

Maybe not by moving to China, but I have moved to Burwood.

I still think back to my parents saying that Chinese will be useful for my future.

And now that I've grown older, I realise that they're right.

Because when China takes over the world, it will be handy to know the language of our overlords.

But right now I don't need it for that.

I'm just happy knowing that I can order a grapefruit green tea.

Xiexie.