Every household has its ups and downs.

家家有本難唸的經。

No family is perfect all the time.

沒有一個家庭是完美無缺的。

Except some families really do seem like they're perfect from the outside.

只是有些家庭從外表上看確實很完美。

That might not be reality.

這可能不是現實。

The most loving, understanding, and caring parents might not be what they seem.

最慈愛、最善解人意、最體貼入微的父母可能並不像他們看起來那樣。

This is because of pseudo mutuality.

這是因為偽相互性。

Because upholding appearances is so important to a pseudo mutual family, it can be difficult to tell if it's real love or pseudo mutuality.

因為維護外表對於偽互助家庭來說非常重要，所以很難分辨是真愛還是偽互助。

These are the signs that can help you spot the difference.

這些跡象可以幫助您發現區別。

What is pseudo mutuality?

什麼是偽相互性？

The first challenge is having a good understanding of what pseudo mutuality is.

第一個挑戰是充分理解什麼是偽互惠。

The official definition is a family relationship that has a superficial appearance of mutual openness and understanding.

官方定義是一種表面上相互開放和理解的家庭關係。

Although in fact, the relationship is rigid and depersonalizing.

儘管事實上，這種關係是僵化和非個性化的。

So in other words, everything's a facade.

換句話說，一切都是裝出來的。

It's like a prison disguised as a preschool.

它就像一座偽裝成幼兒園的監獄。

Perfectly sweet, loving, close, and wholesome on the outside.

外表甜美可愛、親密無間、心地善良。

But on the inside, there are strict rules and everyone is assigned an identity.

但在內部，有嚴格的規則，每個人都被賦予了一個身份。

This typically happens when one or both of the parents are narcissists, have narcissistic traits, or have a narcissistic personality disorder.

這種情況通常發生在父母一方或雙方是自戀者、具有自戀特徵或患有自戀型人格障礙的情況下。

The narcissistic parent is like a prison warden who decides what you will do, how you will do it, and even who you are and who you will be.

自戀的父母就像一個監獄長，他決定你要做什麼，怎麼做，甚至決定你是誰，你將成為什麼樣的人。

In a pseudo mutual family, rather than getting to know and understand their children, parents will try to control who their children are.

在偽互助家庭中，父母不是去了解和理解自己的孩子，而是試圖控制自己的孩子。

Rigid rules.

僵化的規則。

Pseudo mutual families have extremely rigid rules.

偽互助家庭有極其嚴格的規則。

If the parents say you are a swimmer, you are a swimmer.

如果父母說你是游泳健將，那你就是游泳健將。

If you decide you don't like swimming, the whole facade of caring and understanding falls apart.

如果你決定不喜歡游泳，那麼整個關心和理解的表象就會分崩離析。

The rules of the household are designed to keep you from breaking that identity and therefore destroying the facade.

家規的目的是防止你破壞身份，從而破壞門面。

From the outside, it looks like your parents are supporting your hobby, making sure you get to practice on time, cheering you on at the galas, and ensuring you always have every opportunity to succeed.

從外表上看，你的父母似乎在支持你的愛好，確保你按時參加訓練，在慶典上為你加油鼓勁，並確保你始終擁有一切成功的機會。

In reality, it can feel like your parents are breathing down your neck and controlling your every move.

在現實生活中，你可能會覺得父母在你的脖子上喘著粗氣，控制著你的一舉一動。

Your reward for playing along is that the family gets along.

一家人和睦相處，就是對你合作的回報。

They aren't supporting you, they are supporting the identity they have chosen for you in the family's image.

他們不是在支持你，而是在支持他們按照家族形象為你選擇的身份。

You are depersonalized.

你被人格化了。

Because of all the ways your parents have structured your life, it can feel like you haven't pursued anything of your own.

由於父母用各種方式安排了你的生活，你會覺得自己沒有任何自己的追求。

Your successes are all credited to your parents.

你們的成功都要歸功於你們的父母。

You may feel like you live to serve your parents and like you're trapped.

你可能會覺得自己是為了服侍父母而活，覺得自己被困住了。

Pursuing your own dreams and passions may sound strange or far-fetched because it goes against what your parents want or because your dreams are decided on by your parents.

追求自己的夢想和激情可能聽起來很奇怪或很牽強，因為這違背了父母的意願，或者因為你的夢想是由父母決定的。

This depersonalization along with the stress of playing along with the whims of your parents can cause mental health issues like low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.

這種人格解體，再加上隨父母的意願行事所帶來的壓力，會導致自卑、抑鬱和焦慮等心理健康問題。

Strings attached.

附帶字符串。

When your parents only show love when you do what they want, it feels like their affection comes with strings attached.

當父母只在你按照他們的意願行事時才表達愛意時，你會覺得他們的愛是有附加條件的。

It's like they're insinuating that,

他們好像在暗示這一點、

I'll love you for as long as you do what I say.

只要你按我說的做，我就會一直愛你。

This can be really emotionally taxing because it feels like your value as a person depends on whether you meet their expectations.

這可能真的會讓人情緒低落，因為感覺你作為一個人的價值取決於你是否滿足了他們的期望。

This doesn't just apply to family dynamics, but knowing this is important because if you're not aware of this dynamic in your upbringing, you might unconsciously attract partners or friends who do the same.

這不僅適用於家庭動態，但瞭解這一點很重要，因為如果你沒有意識到你成長過程中的這種動態，你可能會不自覺地吸引到同樣的伴侶或朋友。

For example, in romantic relationships, you might find yourself drawn to individuals who replicate the dynamics you experienced with your parents.

例如，在戀愛關係中，你可能會發現自己被一些人所吸引，而這些人與你在父母身邊經歷過的動態關係如出一轍。

And when you're conditioned to think that your worth is tied to the approval and expectations of others, you may constantly feel pressured to conform to their expectations, even to the detriment of your own wellbeing, to maintain their affection and acceptance.

當你習慣於認為自己的價值與他人的認可和期望掛鉤時，你可能會不斷感到壓力，為了維持他人的喜愛和認可，你必須符合他們的期望，甚至不惜損害自己的健康。

So how else have your adult relationships been influenced by this?

那麼，你的成人關係還受到了哪些影響？

This leads us to our next point.

這就引出了我們的下一個問題。

Adult relationships mirror your family dynamic.

成人關係反映了你的家庭動態。

When you're raised in a pseudo-mutual household, your other relationships, even as adults, can be affected as well.

當你在一個偽互助家庭中長大時，你的其他人際關係，甚至是成年後的人際關係也會受到影響。

You might find that you treat others like your parents or you attract people into your life who treat you the same way your parents did.

你可能會發現自己對待他人的方式和父母一樣，或者你會吸引一些人進入你的生活，他們對待你的方式和父母一樣。

For example, you might try to accommodate them as much as possible and do everything they ask.

例如，你可能會盡量滿足他們的要求，對他們言聽計從。

You might also feel responsible for others.

你也可能覺得自己對他人負有責任。

In romantic relationships and friendships, you take a very passive role.

在戀愛關係和朋友關係中，你扮演著非常被動的角色。

You may also lack boundaries.

你也可能缺乏界限感。

Emotionally, you may have trouble acknowledging your feelings and expressing your needs.

在情感上，你可能難以承認自己的感受和表達自己的需求。

In your adult life, you may find that your childhood in a pseudo-mutual household without real love was traumatic.

成年後，你可能會發現，在一個沒有真愛的假互助家庭中度過的童年是痛苦的。

And so you seek therapy.

於是你尋求治療。

And therapy, along with cutting contact with parents, were found to be cathartic changes for people raised in pseudo-mutual households.

人們發現，對於在假互助家庭中長大的人來說，治療以及切斷與父母的聯繫是一種宣洩性的改變。

This is not normal for family relationships based on real love.

這對於建立在真愛基礎上的家庭關係來說是不正常的。

Real parental love comes from authentic understanding and nurturing.

真正的父母之愛來自於真正的理解和養育。

Pseudo-mutuality is so effective because it's disguised as real love.

偽基情之所以如此有效，是因為它偽裝成了真愛。

At first glance, it seems to fulfill all of the same things, but on closer inspection, it fulfills nothing, instead opening you to depersonalization, depression, and anxiety.

乍一看，它似乎滿足了所有相同的要求，但仔細一看，它什麼也沒滿足，反而讓你陷入人格解體、抑鬱和焦慮。

Parents who raise children like this don't do it intentionally.

這樣教育孩子的父母並非有意為之。

They do it because they have narcissistic traits that influence their parenting style.

他們這樣做是因為他們的自戀特質影響了他們的育兒風格。

That isn't to say it's unavoidable.

這並不是說這是不可避免的。

Parents have the responsibility to guide their children to become fulfilled, independent adults.

父母有責任引導孩子成為有成就感、獨立的成年人。

Pseudo-mutuality, by definition, can't achieve that.

顧名思義，偽互助無法做到這一點。

If you are a parent and you worry that this sounds like you, seek guidance and find resources that will help you lead your family more effectively out of love rather than fear.

如果你是一位家長，你擔心這聽起來像你的情況，那麼請尋求指導，尋找資源，幫助你出於愛而不是恐懼更有效地上司你的家庭。

If you were raised with pseudo-mutuality, how have you dealt with it?

如果你從小就有偽自閉症，你是如何處理的？

Let us know in the comments below.

請在下面的評論中告訴我們。

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如果您覺得本視頻資訊豐富或對您有幫助，請留下贊並訂閱 Psych2Go，以獲取更多類似視頻。

Thanks for watching.

感謝觀看。