This is not a joke. This is an example, because I want you to understand what I'm saying.

這不是一個笑話。這是一個例子，因為我想讓你們明白我在說什麼。

I don't like it when people eat and sweat at the same time.

我不喜歡人們一邊吃飯一邊流汗。

I don't fucking like it. I don't fucking like it.

我他媽不喜歡我他媽的不喜歡

Like, if somebody's eating, and while they eat, they're like, whoo, I'll punch you in the fucking face.

比如，如果有人在吃東西，而他們在吃東西的時候，就會說，哇，我要揍你的臉。

If I'm there, I swear to God,

如果我在那裡，我對天發誓、

I'll punch you in the fucking face.

我要揍你的臉

Slow down!

慢一點

Ain't nobody gonna take that food from you.

沒人能搶走你的食物

Slow down!

慢一點

Tell you what else I don't like. You're not gonna like it, but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

告訴你我還不喜歡什麼你不會喜歡的 但我還是要告訴你

I recently realized that I don't have any patience for unattractive people.

我最近意識到，我對沒有吸引力的人沒有任何耐心。

There, I said it. That's how I feel.

好了，我說出來了。這就是我的感受。

I know when you first hear it, it's a blow.

我知道，當你第一次聽到這個消息時，你會備受打擊。

It's a blow at first.

一開始是個打擊。

I ask that you stay with me, okay?

我希望你能陪著我，好嗎？

Stay with me until the end.

陪我到最後。

I feel like they're very needy.

我覺得他們很需要幫助。

Unattractive people are very needy.

沒有吸引力的人非常需要幫助。

They always want something.

他們總是想要什麼。

Excuse me, excuse me.

對不起，對不起

Excuse me. You know where I can...

打擾一下你知道我可以...

No, I don't. No.

不，我沒有。沒有

No. No.

不 不

I treat them like fucking cats.

我對待他們就像對待該死的貓一樣

Get your ass out of here.

給我滾出去

Get out of here! You better get!

離開這裡你最好離開

It's too much. It's too fucking much.

太多了太他媽多了

Let me tell you where the joke came from so you don't think I'm a dick, okay?

讓我告訴你這個笑話是怎麼來的，這樣你就不會覺得我是個混蛋了，好嗎？

I was at the bank, right? I get down at the bank.

我在銀行，對吧？我在銀行

I'm in my car. I'm about to pull out the parking lot.

我在我的車裡。我正要駛出停車場

You got to stop at the little parking booth, right?

你得在小停車亭停車，對吧？

You got to get a guy your ticket.

你得給他買票

I go to get a guy my ticket.

我去給一個傢伙拿票。

He slide the glass back, sticks his head out.

他把玻璃滑回去，把頭伸出來。

Very unattractive man. Whatever.

非常沒有吸引力的男人。隨便吧

He sees me. When he saw me, he lost it.

他看到了我。當他看到我時，他失去了理智。

He got excited.

他興奮起來。

He's like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

他就像，呃，呃，呃，呃，呃，呃，呃，呃，呃，呃。

Made that ugly ass face right in my fucking face.

那張醜陋的臉就他媽的對著我的臉。

Kevin Hart of my bank. You got to be kidding me.

我銀行的凱文-哈特開什麼玩笑

He's like, I'm not letting you out here until you tell me why you chose us.

他說，除非你告訴我為什麼選擇我們，否則我不會讓你出來。

Why us? Why'd you bank with us?

為什麼選擇我們？為什麼選擇我們？

Why'd you choose us as your financial institution?

為什麼選擇我們作為您的金融機構？

I couldn't believe what the fuck I heard.

我簡直不敢相信自己聽到了什麼。

I don't have time for this shit.

我沒時間聽這些廢話。

Press the button. Let me the fuck out of here.

按下按鈕讓我離開這裡

I don't have time.

我沒時間

He did it again. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

他又來了嗯，嗯，嗯，嗯，嗯。

I ain't letting you out here until you tell me why us.

在你告訴我為什麼之前，我是不會讓你出來的。

Why'd you choose us? Why us? Why'd you choose us?

為什麼選擇我們？為什麼選擇我們？為什麼選擇我們？

Kept saying us. I told you, I don't have any patience.

一直在說我們我告訴過你，我沒有任何耐心。

I fucking lost it. I snapped. I said, stop saying us.

我他媽的失控了我怒不可遏我說，別再說我們了

You don't got shit to do with that goddamn bank.

你跟那該死的銀行沒半毛錢關係

This parking lot ain't got shit to do with that bank.

這個停車場和那家銀行一點關係都沒有

Hit the button. Let me the fuck up out of here.

按下按鈕讓我離開這裡

This is when I got mad. He looked me dead in the eye.

這時候我生氣了。他死死地盯著我的眼睛。

He said, I got all day, Kevin Hart. All day.

他說 我有一整天的時間 凱文-哈特一整天

I realized he's not playing. He's not going to let me out.

我意識到他不玩了他不會讓我出去的

I got to answer this fucking question.

我得回答這個該死的問題

Okay, fine. You want to know why I chose this bank?

好吧你想知道我為什麼選擇這家銀行嗎？

Your customer service, loan rates, free checking.

您的客戶服務、貸款利率、免費支票。

There you go. That's why. That's why I chose y'all.

這就對了這就是原因這就是我選擇你們的原因

This is what pissed me off. He goes, that's all you had to say with your little ugly ass.

這就是讓我生氣的地方。他說，這就是你和你的小丑八怪要說的話。

I said, what did you just say?

我說，你剛才說什麼？

The fuck did you just say to me?

你他媽剛才跟我說什麼？

Get your ugly ass out of my life.

把你的醜屁股從我的生活中挪開

He hit the button. I had to pull off.

他按下了按鈕。我不得不下車

Now I'm pissed. I'm not ugly. You ugly.

現在我很生氣。我不醜你才醜

Fucking pissed.

氣死我了

I stopped at Chipotle two blocks up.

我在兩個街區外的 Chipotle 停了下來。

It's a long line at Chipotle. Now I'm even more irritated.

在 Chipotle 排了很長的隊。現在我更惱火了。

I'm only in this long ass line because of that unattractive ass conversation.

我之所以排這麼長的隊，就是因為那段不吸引人的對話。

While I'm standing in the line, the woman behind me goes, oh my God, today's such a nice day.

我排隊的時候，後面的女人說，天哪，今天天氣真好。

It's so beautiful outside. I'm about to fucking snap.

外面太美了我快要崩潰了

I'm going to lose it. I'm going to fucking snap.

我要失控了我要崩潰了

I'm going to turn around.

我要轉過身去。

I'm going to let this goddamn woman have it.

我要讓這個該死的女人得逞。

I turn around. I see her.

我轉過身我看到了她

This is by far one of the most attractive women

這是迄今為止最有魅力的女性之一

I've ever seen in my fucking life.

我他媽這輩子都沒見過這樣的人。

She was gorgeous. Immediately.

她美極了。馬上

I had time. I had fucking time.

我有時間我他媽的有時間

I said, I said, you know what?

我說，我說，你知道嗎？

It is a nice day. It's so nice outside.

今天天氣不錯。外面天氣真好

I turned into a fucking weatherman.

我變成了一個該死的天氣預報員

I said, what we need is rain.

我說，我們需要的是雨。

We ain't had no rain in a minute.

我們已經一分鐘沒下雨了

She said, I wasn't even talking to you.

她說，我根本沒跟你說話。

Turn her back on me.

背對著我

What the fuck?

搞什麼鬼？

Oh, no, no. That is not acceptable.

哦，不，不。這可不行

Excuse me. Excuse me.

借過借過一下

Excuse me. Excuse me.

借過借過一下

She turned around.

她轉過身來。

I said, what the fuck?

我說，搞什麼鬼？

Excuse me. Excuse me.

借過借過一下

She turned around. What?

她轉過身來。什麼？

Ha!

哈

Uh...

呃...

Uh...

呃...

I...

I...

I just want...

我只是想...

I just want to know what made you choose Chipotle as your place for lunch today?

我只想知道，是什麼讓你選擇 Chipotle 作為今天的午餐地點？

See, I'm not telling you that.

你看，我不是要告訴你這些。

I said, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

我說，嗯嗯，嗯嗯，嗯嗯，嗯嗯。

I was an unattractive person in that conversation.

在那次談話中，我是一個沒有吸引力的人。

Guy flipped it on me that fast.

這傢伙這麼快就翻臉了。

Let me tell you something, people.

大家聽我說

No matter how good you think you look,

無論你覺得自己看起來有多好、

I promise you that you don't look that fucking good.

我向你保證，你他媽看起來沒那麼好。

I promise you.

我向你保證

Something will happen in life to show you that you don't look that fucking good.

生活中會發生一些事情，讓你知道你看起來並沒有那麼好。

My wife gave me a reality check.

我的妻子給了我一次現實的檢驗。

We was in the bed watching TV.

我們躺在床上看電視。

Commercial came on with the little monster from Lord of the Rings.

廣告中出現了《指環王》中的小怪物。

Schmeagle? I think that's his name.

施米格？我想那是他的名字。

Schmeagle. He was doing this shit right here.

施麥克他就在這裡做這種事

You know the little monster?

你知道那個小怪物嗎？

That's what he did. He was doing this shit.

他就是這麼做的他就是幹這個的

Oh, my God, babe, you be doing that.

哦，天哪，寶貝，你在做什麼？

I said, bitch, what did you just say to me?

我說，賤人，你剛才對我說了什麼？

What the fuck did you just say?

你他媽剛才說什麼？

You be doing that in the morning.

你早上也要這麼做

Bitch, I ain't never get no shit like that in my goddamn life!

賤人，我這輩子都沒遇到過這種事

Call me a fucking monster to my goddamn face!

當著我的面罵我是怪物

You

你