So I recently read How to Not Die Alone by Logan Urie and this book has genuinely changed how I'm approaching my love life.

我最近讀了洛根-尤里寫的《如何不孤獨終老》，這本書真正改變了我對待愛情生活的態度。

And so in this episode of Book Club, the series where as you know, we distill and discuss highlights from some of my favourite books.

在這一集的 "讀書俱樂部 "中，我們將討論我最喜歡的幾本書中的精華部分。

We're gonna start by talking about the four reasons why dating is difficult in the modern world.

我們先來談談現代社會約會難的四個原因。

And then I'll be sharing five top tips that I got from this book.

然後，我將與大家分享我從這本書中獲得的五大祕訣。

Really good book, you should read it.

真的是本好書，你應該讀一讀。

Five top tips about how to date more effectively so that we can find love and all that fun stuff.

關於如何更有效地約會的五大祕訣，讓我們找到愛情和所有有趣的事情。

Let's get into it.

讓我們開始吧。

Part one, why is dating so hard?

第一部分，約會為什麼這麼難？

So to be honest, every era has had some kind of issues when it comes to dating and finding love.

是以，老實說，每個時代在約會和尋找愛情時都會遇到一些問題。

It's one of the foibles, I think that's the right word, of the human experience.

這是人類經歷中的一種缺陷，我想這個詞用得很對。

But what Logan says is that there's like four main reasons why dating in the modern day in 2021, 2022, whenever you're watching this, why dating is particularly hard for us.

但洛根說，在2021年、2022年的現代，無論你在看什麼，約會對我們來說特別難，主要有四個原因。

Firstly, and this is probably a good thing, we do define our personal identities more so than we did in the past.

首先，這也許是件好事，我們確實比過去更加明確了自己的個人身份。

In the past, there was a lot less personal agency.

過去，個人代理權要少得多。

You would kind of have these expectations thrust on you.

你會有一種被強加在身上的期望。

You'd become a doctor because your parents told you to become a doctor.

你會成為一名醫生，是因為你的父母讓你成為一名醫生。

You'd marry this person because your parents told you to marry that person because they happened to own the plot of farmland next to you.

你會嫁給這個人，是因為你的父母讓你嫁給那個人，因為他們碰巧擁有你旁邊的那塊農田。

These days, we don't quite do that.

如今，我們還做不到這一點。

Especially in the West, we are very individualistic.

特別是在西方，我們非常個人主義。

We want to build our own personal identities.

我們希望建立自己的個人身份。

And so in a way, the person we marry, the person, like the way we find love is a huge part of that personal identity thing, which is kind of hard today.

是以，在某種程度上，我們結婚的人，我們尋找愛情的方式，都是個人身份認同的重要組成部分，這在今天有點困難。

Secondly, it's hard because we've just got way too many options.

其次，這很難，因為我們有太多的選擇。

Again, back in the day, you would just marry the person that you met in your neighbourhood.

同樣，在過去，你只需嫁給你在鄰居家遇到的人。

But now with all of the apps, and trust me, I would know, I have premium accounts on all of the apps.

但現在有了所有的應用程序，相信我，我會知道的，我在所有應用程序上都有高級賬戶。

With all the apps, there's just way too much choice.

有了這麼多應用程序，選擇實在是太多了。

There's this concept in social psych behavioural economics called the paradox of choice, which is that you would think that the more options you have, the easier it becomes to find the perfect option.

社會心理行為經濟學中有一個概念叫 "選擇悖論"，即你會認為選擇越多，就越容易找到完美的選擇。

But actually in studies, if for example, you give people a choice of four bits of jam to choose from or a choice of 24 bits of jam to choose from, the people who are confronted with the 24 bits of jam are unlikely to make a decision about any of them.

但實際上，在研究中，如果讓人們選擇四位果醬，或者選擇 24 位果醬，那麼面對 24 位果醬的人不可能對其中任何一位做出決定。

Whereas the people who are confronted with four are like, oh, strawberry jam sounds good.

而面對四種果醬的人則會說：哦，草莓醬聽起來不錯。

I'm gonna take that.

我要接這個電話

I'm not comparing dating to choosing a flavour of jam.

我不是把約會比作選擇果醬的口味。

But the point is, we just have way too many options at our fingertips and that weirdly makes dating harder than we would think.

但問題是，我們手邊的選擇實在太多了，這讓約會變得比我們想象的還要困難。

Thirdly, we've got the social media thing.

第三，我們有社交媒體。

Now this is a problem sometimes when it comes to dating because we see the highlight reels of other kind of couples.

現在，說到約會，這有時是個問題，因為我們看到的都是其他類型情侶的精彩片段。

We see these people on Instagram with their really cute photos.

我們在 Instagram 上看到這些人的可愛照片。

We see these couples on YouTube doing Q and A's.

我們在 YouTube 上看到這些夫婦在進行問答。

We see all these couple blogs.

我們看到所有這些情侶博客。

I've been watching a lot of couple blogs recently, don't ask why.

我最近看了很多夫妻博客，別問我為什麼。

And they really show the highlight reels of their lives.

他們真實地展示了自己生活的精彩片段。

And so when it comes to dating, it's like, oh my God, I need to be able to find someone for whom I feel that sense of like love that those people, that YouTube couple seems to show with one another.

所以在約會的時候，我就會想，天哪，我一定要找到一個能讓我感受到那種愛的人，就像那些人、YouTube 上的情侶們在一起表現出來的那樣。

Oh, Jess and Gabriel, they're so cute together.

哦，傑絲和加布裡埃爾，他們在一起真可愛。

Matt and Abby, they're so cute together.

馬特和艾比，他們在一起真可愛。

How did they do it?

他們是如何做到的？

Monica and Sam, oh my God.

莫妮卡和山姆，哦，我的上帝。

Like we see all these comparative things.

就像我們看到的這些比較性的東西一樣。

And even if it's not like famous YouTuber, a couple of bloggers, Casey and Candice, it's our friends on social media, engagement photos, all that kind of stuff.

即使不是著名的 YouTuber、幾個博主、Casey 和 Candice，也是我們在社交媒體上的朋友、訂婚照片之類的東西。

It's so easy to compare our failures in dating with other people's highlight reels, like our behind the scenes with their highlight reels that makes trying to find the right person, this like really high stakes decision that that level of comparison just wasn't really there back in the day.

我們很容易將約會中的失敗與其他人的精彩片段進行比較，就像我們的幕後花絮與他們的精彩片段進行比較一樣，這讓我們在尋找合適的人時做出了非常高風險的決定。

And fourthly, dating is quite hard because it's actually a pretty big decision.

第四，約會相當困難，因為這實際上是一個相當重大的決定。

Like Sheryl Sandberg, the CEO of Facebook says famously that the person you marry is the single biggest decision you'll make in your career because it just has such a huge impact on your career, your life, all that kind of stuff.

Facebook 首席執行官謝麗爾-桑德伯格（Sheryl Sandberg）說過一句名言："與誰結婚是你職業生涯中做出的最大決定，因為這對你的事業、生活都有巨大的影響。

And so finding love and retaining love and getting into a long-term relationship and like figuring out who that person is gonna be is actually genuinely a very kind of high pressure decision that genuinely could change the trajectory of our lives.

是以，尋找愛情、留住愛情、進入一段長期關係，就像找出那個人是誰一樣，實際上是一個非常有壓力的決定，它真的會改變我們的生活軌跡。

So those are four reasons why dating is hard.

以上就是約會難的四個原因。

I wanna talk now about five top tips that I got from this book.

現在，我想談談我從這本書中獲得的五大祕訣。

But before I do that, I wanna talk a little bit about why am I reading a book about relationships?

但在此之前，我想先談談我為什麼要讀一本關於人際關係的書？

To be honest, I think every single person in the world should be reading more and learning more and finding out more about relationships because as research has shown and as our own experience shows, relationships are the single most important thing in our life.

老實說，我認為世界上每一個人都應該多讀書、多學習、多瞭解人際關係，因為正如研究和我們自己的經驗所表明的那樣，人際關係是我們生活中最重要的事情。

Not necessarily just romantic relationships, but also friendships, also relationships with family, relationships with colleagues.

不一定只是戀愛關係，還包括朋友關係、與家人的關係、與同事的關係。

Relationships are the most important thing in life.

人際關係是人生中最重要的事情。

Like when you're lying on your deathbed, you're not gonna be worrying about whether you put out an extra video or whether that person who said something mean to you in high school is just a thing.

就像當你躺在病床上時，你不會再擔心自己是否多放了一段視頻，也不會再擔心高中時對你說過刻薄話的那個人是否已經不復存在。

You're gonna be wanting to spend more time with the people who matter, the people who you love.

你會想花更多時間陪伴重要的人，陪伴你愛的人。

And I think relationships are this weird area whereby a lot of people just sort of think, oh, you're meant to just make it up as you go along.

我覺得人際關係是一個很奇怪的領域，很多人都會認為，哦，你就應該邊走邊聊。

I think people like the school of life, Alain de Botton, like the people who write about this stuff are fantastic and Logan definitely gonna add to my VIP list of relationship advisors.

我認為像 "生命學校"、阿蘭-德波頓這樣寫這些東西的人都很棒，羅根肯定會把他們加入我的關係顧問 VIP 名單。

Because for such an important area of life, it's pretty weird that we don't think about it, that we don't talk about it, that we don't like theorise about it.

因為對於生活中如此重要的一個領域，我們卻不去思考它，不談論它，不喜歡對它進行理論探討，這實在是太奇怪了。

You know, if I think about myself, like I enjoy reading books about relationships and yet I listened to of the 100 or so podcasts I'm subscribed to, maybe one or two are themed around relationships and 98 of them are themed around how to be more productive, how to make more money, how to launch a business, that kind of stuff, which is weird, right?

你知道，如果我想想我自己，比如我喜歡看關於人際關係的書，但我聽過的 100 多個播客中，可能有一兩個是以人際關係為主題的，98 個都是以如何提高生產力、如何賺更多錢、如何開展業務等為主題的，這很奇怪，對吧？

Because if relationships are the thing, the main lever that we can move to contribute to our happiness, why are we not spending more time thinking about them?

因為如果人際關係是我們可以促進幸福的東西，是我們可以移動的主要槓桿，那我們為什麼不花更多的時間去思考它們呢？

And so to be honest, moving forward on this channel, I wanna talk about more about friendships, relationships, love, that side of the human condition, which I haven't really talked about in the past, been reading about it for a long time.

是以，老實說，在這個頻道上，我想更多地談論友誼、人際關係、愛情，以及人類的那一面。

But I just think it's something so hugely important.

但我認為，這是一件非常重要的事情。

And whenever people are like, oh my God, why would you read a book about love?

每當人們說，天哪，你為什麼要讀一本關於愛情的書？

Love is meant to be experienced, not to be read about.

愛是用來體驗的，而不是用來閱讀的。

Yes, okay, fine.

是的，好的，沒問題。

Love is meant to be experienced, but for something so big, the person you marry, why wouldn't you read about it?

愛情是用來體驗的，但對於如此重大的事情，比如你的結婚對象，為什麼你不去讀一讀呢？

That's my whole spiel on this.

這就是我對這件事的全部看法。

This is a fantastic book.

這是一本神奇的書。

Let's not talk about kind of the five main points that resonated with me.

先不談讓我產生共鳴的五個要點。

And tip number one from the book is to know your blind spot.

書中的第一條建議就是了解自己的盲點。

Now, the person who wrote this book, Logan Urie, is actually a relationships therapist who is now head of relationship science at Hinge, which is one of the famous dating apps that I've used extensively and have premium accounts on.

現在，寫這本書的洛根-尤里實際上是一位人際關係治療師，他現在是 Hinge 的人際關係科學負責人，Hinge 是著名的約會應用程序之一，我曾廣泛使用過，並在上面開設了高級賬戶。

Hinge, if someone at Hinge is watching this video, please reach out and sponsor my channel because like genuinely, 100%.

Hinge，如果Hinge有人在看這個視頻，請伸出援手贊助我的頻道，因為我真的很喜歡，100%。

Anyway, Logan is a relationship therapist.

總之，洛根是個感情治療師。

And the way she talks about it is that we all have these dating blind spots and she calls it the three dating tendencies.

她談到，我們都有約會盲點，她稱之為三種約會傾向。

And the idea is that all of us fit into one of these categories, but we probably have traits from all three of the categories.

我們的想法是，我們每個人都屬於其中一類，但我們可能同時具有這三類人的特徵。

The first type of dating tendency is the romanticizer.

第一種約會傾向是浪漫主義者。

This is the sort of person who kind of believes the whole soulmate stuff that, oh, falling in love, it's like this magical thing and I wanna find my soulmate.

這種人相信 "靈魂伴侶 "之類的說法，認為戀愛就像一件神奇的事情，我想找到我的靈魂伴侶。

And if I don't feel very strongly about someone, if there's no spark, then things aren't gonna work.

如果我對某人沒有強烈的感覺，如果沒有火花，那麼事情就不會成功。

You know, I like it when they walk.

你知道，我喜歡他們走路的樣子。

Secondly, we have the hesitator.

其次是猶豫不決者。

Now, this is the sort of person that thinks, you know what, I am not ready for dating just yet.

現在，這種人認為，你知道嗎，我還沒準備好約會。

If you're under 18, this doesn't apply for you, but you know, the sort of person over the age of 18 who thinks, you know what, I'm not ready for dating just yet.

如果你未滿 18 歲，這對你並不適用，但你知道，18 歲以上的那種人認為，你知道嗎，我還沒準備好約會。

I want to establish myself first.

我想先確立自己的地位。

I wanna lose weight.

我想減肥

I wanna get my six pack abs.

我想擁有六塊腹肌

I wanna make sure I've got a job.

我想確保我有一份工作。

I wanna make sure I know what I'm doing with my life before I even consider getting into the dating marketplace.

在我考慮進入約會市場之前，我想確定我知道我的生活在做什麼。

This is the hesitator.

這就是猶豫者。

And thirdly, we've got the maximizer.

第三，我們還有最大化器。

Now, this is the sort of person who recognises that dating is like a big deal and the person I marry is like a very, very big decision.

現在，這種人認識到，約會是一件大事，而我和誰結婚則是一個非常非常重大的決定。

And therefore, they want to try and maximise the score on all of the different traits that they're looking out for and find the person who most maximise, sort of hits the highest score point on each of these different traits.

是以，他們希望在他們所尋找的所有不同特質上儘量提高得分，並找到在每個不同特質上都能達到最高得分點的人。

And to be honest, I know quite a few people who are hesitators and romanticisers, but the vast majority of people I know, including me, are very much maximisers.

老實說，我認識不少猶豫不決的人和浪漫主義者，但我認識的絕大多數人，包括我在內，都是最大化主義者。

And in fact, she has a quiz early on in the book.

事實上，她在書中一開始就做了一個測驗。

So you can see, you can answer a few questions and figure out like, are you a hesitator, maximiser or romanticiser?

所以你可以看到，你可以回答幾個問題，找出你是猶豫者、最大化者還是浪漫者？

I am definitely a maximiser.

我絕對是一個最大化者。

And this is like a real problem.

這就像一個真正的問題。

And I didn't quite realise it was such a problem until I did the questionnaire.

直到做了問卷調查，我才意識到這是個問題。

And I realised, oh my God, this is a thing.

我意識到，天哪，這是真的。

This is why I've been struggling with my love life because I'm too much of a maximiser across all these, supposedly all these different qualities that I'm looking out for.

這就是為什麼我一直在為我的愛情生活苦苦掙扎，因為我在所有這些方面都太追求最大化了，據說我在尋找所有這些不同的特質。

Which brings us onto tip number two, which is we solve for the maximiser problem with tip number two, don't let perfect be the enemy of great.

這就引出了第二條建議，即用第二條建議來解決最大化問題，不要讓完美成為偉大的敵人。

And the problem with being a maximiser, which I am and you possibly are as well, if you are watching this sort of video about a book summary, the problem with being a maximiser is that we tend to obsess over making the right decision.

如果你正在觀看這個關於書籍摘要的視頻，那麼我和你可能都是最大化主義者，最大化主義者的問題在於，我們往往執著於做出正確的決定。

And we think that the more we analyse something, the more carefully we weigh up the options, the more options we give ourselves, the better an outcome we're gonna get.

我們認為，分析得越多，權衡得越仔細，給自己的選擇越多，結果就會越好。

But this is not necessarily true.

但事實未必如此。

And what Logan says is that what we should be trying to do is become instead of a maximiser, a satisficer.

羅根說，我們應該努力做的是成為一個最大化者，而不是一個滿足者。

And the idea here is that instead of trying to maximise, trying to find the absolute perfect person you possibly can, we should try and find someone who is like good enough and then work to make that relationship something that is absolutely fantastic.

這裡的想法是，與其努力做到極致，試圖找到一個絕對完美的人，不如努力找到一個足夠好的人，然後努力讓這段關係變得絕對美妙。

Now, that's not to say that you just settle for the next person that you meet, but it is to say that if you find someone who meets your criteria and you get on with them and the vibe is good, and you've kind of assessed them on the long-term traits that matter that we're gonna talk about, once you've done that, you think, you know what?

現在，這並不是說你只要滿足於你遇到的下一個人，而是說，如果你找到一個符合你的標準的人，你和他相處得很好，氛圍也很好，而且你已經根據我們要談的長期特徵對他進行了評估，一旦你這樣做了，你就會想，你知道嗎？

I'm gonna commit to this person and you stop doing the whole like, ooh, there could be someone better out there.

我要對這個人做出承諾，你就不要再 "哦，外面可能有更好的人 "了。

You know what?

你知道嗎？

I'm just gonna keep my dating apps active just so I can see what's out there.

我只是想讓我的約會軟件保持活躍，這樣我就能看到外面有什麼了。

Like for example, if you wanted to watch something on Netflix, being a maximiser would be like, okay, I'm gonna look through the entire catalogue of absolutely everything that's available on Netflix.

舉個例子，如果你想看 Netflix 上的內容，作為一個最大化者，你會想，好吧，我要把 Netflix 上所有的內容都看一遍。

I'm gonna look at the reviews.

我要看看評論。

I'm gonna make sure I find the absolute perfect film.

我一定要找到一部絕對完美的電影。

And only once I found the absolute perfect film, oh, wait, two hours have passed.

只有當我找到一部絕對完美的電影時，哦，等等，兩個小時已經過去了。

It's time for bed because I no longer have time to watch the film.

該睡覺了，因為我已經沒有時間再看這部電影了。

That is like the maximiser approach to it.

這就像是最大化的方法。

Whereas if you're a satisficer, you take a look at the front page, you think, hmm, let's scroll a little bit.

而如果你是一個滿足者，你看一眼首頁，就會想，嗯，我們再滾動一下。

Oh, that one looks good.

哦，那個看起來不錯。

Reviews look good.

評論看起來不錯。

Let's go for that.

讓我們開始吧。

And you don't worry about the fact that maybe if you'd been scrolling for an extra 10 minutes, you might have found a film that's slightly better.

你不會擔心，如果你多看 10 分鐘，也許就能找到一部稍好的電影。

At this point, you might be thinking, okay, well, finding something to watch on Netflix is not such a big deal.

說到這裡，你可能會想，好吧，在 Netflix 上找點東西看也沒什麼大不了的。

The person you're gonna marry is actually a big deal.

你要嫁的人其實是件大事。

And surely it's better to be a maximiser in that than to be a satisficer.

在這方面，做一個最大化者肯定比做一個滿足者要好。

But interestingly, that is actually not true.

但有趣的是，事實並非如此。

So if we look at the studies, which Logan cites in the book, what she says is that the thing we're optimising for is not can we find the perfect partner because there's no such thing as a perfect partner.

是以，如果我們看一下羅根在書中引用的研究，她說我們要優化的不是我們能否找到完美的伴侶，因為根本就沒有完美的伴侶。

The thing we're trying to optimise for is what is gonna lead to long-term happiness in our relationship.

我們要優化的是，什麼能讓我們的關係長期幸福。

And it turns out that even if you are a maximiser, if you find the perfect person, the fact that you're a maximiser and you're approaching this with a maximising kind of point of view means you're gonna be less happy in that relationship than someone who is a satisficer.

事實證明，即使你是一個追求最大化的人，如果你找到了一個完美的人，但事實上，你是一個追求最大化的人，你以一種追求最大化的觀點來對待這段關係，這意味著你在這段關係中的幸福感會低於一個追求滿足感的人。

And so given that there are no real objective criteria about what makes a perfect romantic partner or a perfect spouse or a perfect life partner, whatever, given that we don't have any objective criteria like that, the only thing that matters is how we feel about the decision.

是以，鑑於沒有真正的客觀標準來衡量什麼是完美的戀愛伴侶、完美的配偶或完美的生活伴侶，也鑑於我們沒有這樣的客觀標準，唯一重要的是我們對這個決定的感受。

And inevitably, if we are satisficing, we will feel better about it in the long run and therefore do better in the relationship than if we were trying to maximise on that front.

而且不可避免的是，如果我們滿足於此，那麼從長遠來看，我們會感覺更好，是以在這段關係中，我們會比在這方面努力做到最好的人做得更好。

And there's a nice quote from a guy called Barry Schwartz who wrote the book about paradox of choice, where he writes, maximisers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them.

巴里-施瓦茨（Barry Schwartz）寫過一本關於選擇悖論的書，他在書中寫道："最大化者做出了好的決定，卻最終感到後悔。"這句話說得很好。

Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good about them.

滿意者會做出正確的決定，並最終感覺良好。

So being a satisficer rather than a maximiser is one part of the equation, but it's not the only part of the equation.

是以，成為滿足者而非最大化者是等式的一部分，但不是等式的唯一部分。

And the next thing is to actually figure out what sort of person we're looking for, which brings us onto tip number three, but I have a meeting to go to, so I will be right back.

接下來要做的就是弄清楚我們要找什麼樣的人，這也是我們的第三條建議，但我還要去開會，所以馬上就回來。

All right, and we're back.

好了，我們回來了。

Background's changed a little bit, but let's move on now to tip number three, which I really hope that worked.

背景發生了一些變化，但現在讓我們來看看第三條建議，我真的希望它能起作用。

Anyway, let's move on to tip number, let's move on to tip number three, which is to stop looking for prom dates.

總之，我們繼續說第三條建議，那就是別再找舞會舞伴了。

Let's keep in the mistake there for the thing that's kind of cute.

讓我們繼續犯錯，因為這東西有點可愛。

Lol.

笑死我了

I don't know why I'm weird.

我不知道為什麼我很奇怪。

So there's this concept in, again, in psychology and behavioural economics called present bias.

是以，心理學和行為經濟學中有一個概念，叫做 "現在偏差"。

And that is the feeling that causes us to prioritise the short-term over what actually matters in the long-term.

這種感覺會讓我們把短期利益看得比長期利益更重要。