You know what a Karen is?

你知道卡倫是什麼嗎？

Someone who gets, they start to complain about a comedy show?

有人開始抱怨喜劇節目？

Oh yeah, it happens all the time.

是啊，這種事經常發生。

You never know who's gonna complain at your show.

你永遠不知道誰會在你的演出中抱怨。

And so I just try to avoid the situation completely.

所以我就儘量完全避免這種情況。

Now, I don't like the term Karen because it's a little racial.

現在，我不喜歡 "凱倫 "這個詞，因為它有點種族色彩。

It's an annoying white woman who complains.

是一個惱人的白種女人在抱怨。

That's not fair.

這不公平。

There's annoying women of every ethnicity.

每個種族都有令人討厭的女人。

Let's be honest.

實話實說吧。

Yes, we've all met one.

是的，我們都遇到過。

There's Latina Karens.

還有拉丁裔卡倫。

They don't have a name.

他們沒有名字。

I call them Karenitas.

我稱它們為 Karenitas。

Asian Karens, Kyrens, let's talk about it.

亞裔卡倫人、凱倫人，我們來談談。

There's black Karens, Kanainais.

有黑人卡倫人，卡奈奈人。

There's some Kanainais out there.

外面有一些卡奈奈人。

Let's just be equal.

讓我們一視同仁。

That's all I'm saying.

我就說這麼多。

I got to do a really cool show during the pandemic though.

不過，在大流行病期間，我做了一次非常酷的表演。

This one group hired me.

這一個小組僱用了我。

It's the Latter Day Saints Singles Conference in Orange County, California.

這是在加利福尼亞州橘郡舉行的後期聖徒單身會議。

How many Latter Day Saints people are here?

這裡有多少後期聖徒？

LDS Mormons?

LDS 摩門教徒？

Yeah, Mormons?

是嗎，摩門教徒？

Yeah.

是啊

And you're not supposed to say Mormon, so I say LDS.

你不應該說摩門教徒，所以我說 LDS。

And what's great about it is I love LDS people.

最棒的是，我喜歡 LDS 的人。

I went to LDS last year.

我去年去了 LDS。

I love LDS people.

我喜歡 LDS 的人。

I went to high school with them.

我和他們是高中同學。

They're such nice people.

他們真是好人

More people need to know.

需要讓更多人知道。

I mean, these are the kind of kids that would TP your house and then clean it up the next morning before you woke up.

我的意思是，這些孩子會把你的房子打掃得乾乾淨淨，然後第二天早上在你醒來之前把房子收拾乾淨。

Didn't even know what happened.

甚至不知道發生了什麼。

Yeah.

是啊

Very nice.

非常好

A lot of you are like, that doesn't happen.

你們很多人都會說，這不可能。

Yes, it does.

是的，確實如此。

You just didn't know what happened.

你只是不知道發生了什麼。

That's how good they were.

他們就是這麼棒。

I like nice people.

我喜歡好人。

You know what I don't like?

你知道我不喜歡什麼嗎？

Fake victims.

假受害者

This is getting too far.

這太過分了。

Fake victims.

假受害者

Everyone's a victim.

每個人都是受害者

People are always trying to tell you how they're a victim.

人們總是試圖告訴你他們是如何成為受害者的。

Now you go to work.

現在你去工作。

They're going to tell you their pronouns.

他們會告訴你他們的代詞。

I'm they, them.

我就是他們

I'm she, her.

我是她，她

There's going to be a guy named Earl going,

會有一個叫厄爾的人去、

I'm plum, her.

我是李子，她。

I'm your plumber.

我是你的水管工

I don't know what we're talking about.

我不知道我們在說什麼。

Okay?

好嗎？

I'm going to go plunge.

我要去投身其中。

Right?

對不對？

I saw one of the,

我看到了其中一個、

I saw Megan Rapinoe, who's a soccer player for the United States soccer team, go to the White House and say, this country isn't fair.

我看到美國足球隊的球員梅根-拉皮諾（Megan Rapinoe）去白宮說，這個國家不公平。

I don't like seeing that.

我不喜歡看到這種情況。

I love America.

我愛美國

She's like, this country's not fair for me.

她說，這個國家對我不公平。

I'm like, you're at the White House and you get paid to play soccer.

我想，你在白宮踢球還能拿錢。

That's a privilege.

這是一種特權。

God bless America.

上帝保佑美國

All right?

行嗎？

Yes.

是的。

What a great country.

多麼偉大的國家

I even did some research.

我甚至做了一些研究。

She gets $3 million a year to play soccer, you guys.

她踢球一年就能拿到 300 萬美元，你們這些傢伙。

Not even real soccer, women's soccer.

甚至不是真正的足球，而是女子足球。

There's going to be a Will Smith after the show.

演出結束後還會有威爾-史密斯的表演。

Keep her name out your mouth.

別提她的名字

That's a mean joke.

這笑話太刻薄了

So I'm going to apologize.

所以我要道歉。

If you can tell me, when's their next game?

如果你能告訴我，他們下一場比賽是什麼時候？

Solutions.

解決方案

All right?

行嗎？

We need solutions.

我們需要解決方案。

I have solutions for diversity.

我有多樣化的解決方案。

We need diversity in every industry.

我們需要各行各業的多樣性。

That's what we need.

這正是我們所需要的。

Now, when I look at the NBA, that basketball court does not have a lot of diversity, but I came up with a solution.

現在，縱觀 NBA，籃球場的多樣性並不多，但我想到了一個解決辦法。

We use technology to help everyone play in the NBA.

我們利用技術幫助每個人在 NBA 打球。

We need to raise or lower the backboard according to what ethnicity is running towards it during the game.

在比賽中，我們需要根據跑向後板的種族來升高或降低後板。

That's fair.

這很公平。

Like if LeBron's going, not 10 feet, 13.

就像勒布朗的投籃，不是 10 英尺，而是 13 英尺。

Make it a little harder for him.

讓他難受一點

Some people from Utah, nine feet.

一些來自猶他州的人，有九英尺高。

Asians.

亞洲人

Some of you are like,

你們中有些人會說：

Kevon, what about Latinos?

凱馮，拉美人呢？

Make it fence high.

把柵欄弄高。

They can still get over it.

他們還是可以克服的。

Some of you are like, what would Latinos say if they heard that?

你們中的一些人會想，如果拉美人聽到這些，他們會怎麼說？

They love that joke.

他們喜歡這個笑話。

I just performed in Arizona.

我剛在亞利桑那州演出過。

This guy after the show goes, hey, you're stupid.

節目結束後，這傢伙說，嘿，你真蠢。

We would go under the court.

我們會從法院下面過去。

El Chapo style.

El Chapo 風格。

I was like, touche.

我當時就想，真不錯。

The reason I can do all these different jokes is because I'm a minority myself.

我之所以能講這麼多不同的笑話，是因為我自己也是少數族裔。

Now, I know you're looking at me.

現在，我知道你在看著我。

You're going, Kevon, you just look regular white.

你要走了，凱文，你看起來就是普通的白人。

Ah, ah, ah.

啊，啊，啊

Not so fast.

別急。

My dad is Persian.

我爸爸是波斯人。

My mom is Scottish.

我媽媽是蘇格蘭人。

That's rare.

這是罕見的。

I call it Harry Pottish.

我叫它哈利-波特什。

That's right.

這就對了。

People are like, that's not a minority.

人們會說，那不是少數派。

Yes, it is.

是的，就是這樣。

Half Persian?

半個波斯人？

Nobody's half Persian out there, man.

外面沒有半個波斯人，夥計。

And what's crazy is people go, you don't seem Persian to me.

最讓人抓狂的是，人們會說，我覺得你不像波斯人。

I'm like, that's because I use cologne responsibly.

我想，那是因為我負責任地使用古龍水。

Two sprays, not two bottles.

是兩噴，不是兩瓶。

Come on.

來吧

Yeah.

是啊

You've been to the bathroom.

你去過洗手間

You've been to the bathroom.

你去過洗手間

You've been to the bathroom.

你去過洗手間

Yeah.

是啊

You've been in an Uber.

你坐過 Uber

You know what I'm talking about.

你知道我在說什麼。

All right.

好吧

Some people have the gall to think I'm making it up.

有些人竟然認為我在瞎編。

I'm like, I'm not making it up.

我想，這不是我編出來的。

If you look closely, you can tell

如果你仔細觀察，就會發現

I have my dad's beautiful, dark Persian eyes, but I have my mom's American features.

我有爸爸那雙美麗的波斯黑眼睛，但我有媽媽的美國特徵。

So unfortunately, I just look like a tired white guy.

所以很不幸，我看起來就像一個疲憊的白人。

Women don't even know I'm exotic.

女人甚至不知道我是異國人。

They think I'm exhausted.

他們以為我累壞了。

And I am exhausted.

我已經筋疲力盡了。

I've been a victim, but nobody wants to hear my stories.

我是受害者，但沒人願意聽我講故事。

Okay.

好的

One time I went to get a haircut at a new salon and they said they don't even do haircuts for men.

有一次，我去一家新開的髮廊理髮，他們說他們根本不給男士理髮。

They sent me out of there.

他們把我送出了那裡。

I felt foolish.

我覺得自己很傻。

I'm like, oh, I have to go somewhere else because the way I was born?

我想，哦，我必須去別的地方，因為我出生的方式？

That's discrimination.

這就是歧視。

Now there's no Supreme Court case pending.

現在最高法院沒有懸而未決的案件。

No lawyers like, I'll help you.

沒有律師，我來幫你。

Nope.

沒有。

I had to stick up for myself.

我必須為自己辯護。

I go, would you have cut a woman's hair if she drove a Subaru?

如果一個女人開的是斯巴魯，你會剪她的頭髮嗎？

They're like, yeah.

他們說，是的。

I'm like, well, that's the same haircut I was going for.

我想，好吧，這就是我想要的髮型。

Beep, beep.

嗶，嗶

That's right.

這就對了。

I have been a victim.

我一直是受害者。

Here's how big a victim I am.

這就是我有多大的受害者。

This is unbelievable.

真是難以置信。

I went to get an allergy test.

我去做了過敏測試。

They put this little thing on my back and they scratched me with all kinds of irritants.

他們把這個小東西放在我背上，用各種刺激物抓我。

And it turns out I'm allergic to cats and watermelon, which is crazy because Persians are known for cats and watermelon.

結果發現我對貓和西瓜過敏，這太瘋狂了，因為波斯貓是出了名的對貓和西瓜過敏。

Yeah, see, you didn't even know that.

是啊，你都不知道。

That's how big a minority I am.

我就是這樣的少數派。

Yeah.

是啊

For a Persian to be allergic to cats and watermelon, it's like being Mexican and allergic to tacos and landscaping.

波斯人對貓和西瓜過敏，就像墨西哥人對墨西哥捲餅和景觀過敏一樣。

Thank you.

謝謝。

I was hoping somebody would understand me.

我希望有人能理解我。

You get me.

你懂我的意思。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Are you Latina?

你是拉丁裔嗎？

Hey, you see, she knows.

嘿，你看，她知道了

She's like, of course I am.

她說，我當然會。

I'll meet you under the court.

我在球場下面等你

We'll go get some tacos.

我們去吃墨西哥捲餅。

That's right.

這就對了。

But I appreciate you guys laughing, but I got to tell you, we need to laugh now more than ever.

但我很欣賞你們的笑聲，但我得告訴你們，我們現在比以往任何時候都更需要笑聲。

And I try to make people laugh even when I'm out in the streets, not just on this stage.

即使是在大街上，我也會努力讓人們開懷大笑，而不僅僅是在這個舞臺上。

That's our job as comedians.

這是我們喜劇演員的工作。

And one time I went to the airport and I had the perfect opportunity to make somebody laugh.

有一次我去機場，正好有機會逗別人笑。

Cause my name is Kayvon Moezi.

因為我叫凱馮-莫伊茲

It's very Persian.

很有波斯風味。

My brother, Shaheen Moezi.

我的兄弟，沙欣-莫伊茲。

Now my mom, Margaret, didn't get to name us, obviously.

顯然，我媽媽瑪格麗特沒有給我們取名字。

But I love having a weird name cause I can have fun with it.

但我喜歡起一個奇怪的名字，因為我可以從中獲得樂趣。

Sometimes I give people my ID.

有時我會把身份證給別人。

They're like, what's that name?

他們會問，這叫什麼名字？

If I don't have time,

如果我沒有時間

I'm like, it's Kevin Moezi, right?

我想，這是凱文-莫伊茲，對吧？

But sometimes I crank it up even more ethnic.

但有時，我會把聲音調得更有民族特色。

One time I went to the airport in Atlanta, Georgia.

有一次，我去佐治亞州亞特蘭大的機場。

There's a black dude working TSA.

有個黑人在運輸安全管理局工作。

Give him my ID.

把我的身份證給他

He's like, all right, Kevin, have a good day.

他說，好吧，凱文，祝你愉快。

I go, no, sir.

我走了，不，先生。

That's not my name.

那不是我的名字

He's like, it's not Kevin?

他說，不是凱文？

I'm like, nah, dog.

我想，不，狗。

That's Kayvon.

那是凱馮

And I knew he liked it cause his voice went up a little bit.

我知道他喜歡這樣，因為他的聲音提高了一些。

He's like, your name Kayvon?

他說，你叫凱馮？

That's cool, man.

太酷了

All right, Kayvon.

好了，凱馮

I like that.

我喜歡這樣。

Have a good day, Kayvon.

祝你愉快，凱馮

I'm like, you didn't get my last name yet.

我想，你還不知道我姓什麼呢。

He's like, hold on, Kayvon.

他說 等等 凱馮

Let me see your last name.

讓我看看你姓什麼

Moezi?

莫伊茲？

I'm like, nah, player.

我想，不，是球員。

That's Moezi.

那是 Moezi。

His voice went up even higher.

他的聲音更高。

Your name is Kayvon Moezi?

你叫凱馮-莫伊茲？

That's your real name?

這是你的真名？

I go, yeah.

我走了，是的。

And he said the funniest thing.

他還說了一件最有趣的事。

He goes, how do you get a black name?

他問，你怎麼會有一個黑人名字？

Are you black?

你是黑人嗎？

I'm like, no, sir.

我想，不，先生。

I'm Persian.

我是波斯人

He's like, nah, that's black.

他說，不，那是黑人。

That's a black name.

這是一個黑人名字。

But we were arguing, but in a fun way.

但我們在爭吵，不過是以一種有趣的方式。

That's America.

這就是美國。

That's what we should be doing, right?

這才是我們應該做的，對嗎？

Interacting, laughing, yeah.

互動、歡笑，是的。

Right.

對

But it was so cool to make instant friends with somebody, but over a topic that might scare others.

不過，能因為一個可能會嚇到別人的話題而和別人立即成為朋友，實在是太酷了。

He was like, let me tell you something, Kayvon Moezi.

他說，讓我告訴你一件事，凱馮-莫伊茲。

That's the blackest name I've seen all day.

這是我今天見過的最黑的名字。

And this is the Atlanta airport, so you know that's a black name.

這是亞特蘭大機場，所以你知道那是個黑人名字。

So I felt comfortable.

所以我感覺很舒服。

I'm like, well, then I'm gonna go to the x-ray machine black.

我想，好吧，那我就去X光機黑。

He's like, go ahead.

他說，去吧

I'm like, all right, here I go then.

我想，好吧，那我走了。

He's like, that's not how we walk.

他說，我們不是這樣走路的。

I'm like, it's my first day.

我想，這是我的第一天。

Shut up.

閉嘴

Shut up.

閉嘴