I've been married for 35 years.

我已經結婚 35 年了。

I'm very happy.

我非常高興。

I asked my wife if I was happy.

我問妻子我是否快樂。

She told me I am.

她說我是。

And that's good enough for me.

這對我來說已經足夠了。

But I got married.

但我結婚了。

Our relationship changed immediately.

我們的關係立即發生了變化。

Not gradually, but immediately.

不是逐漸，而是立即。

My wife started to share knowledge with me.

我的妻子開始與我分享知識。

Knowledge I had no idea she had before we got married.

在我們結婚之前，我根本不知道她有這些知識。

Tremendous amounts of knowledge she must have stored throughout the years waiting to share with her future husband.

她多年來一定儲存了大量的知識，等待與未來的丈夫分享。

Not all at one time, just bits and pieces here and there on an ongoing basis.

不是一次性全部完成，只是不斷地在這裡和那裡完成一些零碎的工作。

And that one time I thought it would end, now I know it never will.

曾經我以為一切都會結束，現在我知道它永遠不會結束。

But the thing is, I never know what's gonna trigger her desire to share additional knowledge.

但問題是，我永遠不知道什麼會觸發她分享更多知識的慾望。

That is the tricky part.

這才是最棘手的部分。

That's the part that keeps us on our toes.

這就是讓我們時刻保持警惕的部分。

It could pop up at any time for any reason or absolutely no reason at all.

它可能在任何時候以任何理由或完全沒有任何理由突然出現。

There are days when I'm on a walk-through room and I see my wife, ha ha, I think I'll go the other way.

有些時候，我在房間裡走來走去，看到我的妻子，哈哈，我想我會走另一條路。

I really haven't memorized yesterday's lesson yet.

昨天的課我真的還沒背下來。

I've got a big midterm coming up and I'd like to do well.

馬上就要期中考試了，我想考好。

I never know what's gonna trigger her desire to share additional knowledge.

我永遠不知道什麼會觸發她分享更多知識的慾望。

One day I just opened our back door.

有一天，我剛打開我們家的後門。

That's all I did, simply opened the back door.

我就做了這些，只是打開了後門。

Look at me, people, just opened the back door, perhaps slightly too long.

大家看看我，剛開了後門，也許開得太久了。

I don't know what the exact time parameter is.

我不知道確切的時間參數是多少。

I only know I must have went over because my wife whirled and yelled, shut the door.

我只知道我一定是走過去了，因為我妻子旋即大叫一聲，把門關上了。

You just let 800 mosquitoes into the house.

你剛讓 800 只蚊子進了屋。

No, I had no idea that mosquitoes fly in swarms of 800.

不，我不知道蚊子會成群結隊地飛上 800 只。

I would think that many in a swarm, you'd see something come through the door.

我認為，在蜂群中，你會看到有東西從門縫裡鑽進來。

I saw nothing but my wife with her keen eyesight and wealth of knowledge knew that 800 got into our house.

我什麼也沒看見，但我妻子憑藉她敏銳的洞察力和豐富的知識，知道有 800 人進了我們家。

God bless her, we could have been bitten to death that night.

上帝保佑她，那天晚上我們差點被咬死。

I got married, I no longer need the Discovery Channel.

我結婚了，不再需要探索頻道了。

I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that marriage can be good because you learn things that you never knew when you were single.

我想對你說的是，婚姻可能是件好事，因為你會學到一些單身時不知道的東西。

Marriage can be good because you learn things that you never knew when you were single.

婚姻可能是件好事，因為你能學到單身時不曾瞭解的東西。

And you know what, you see examples of that around us all the time.

你知道嗎，在我們身邊，這樣的例子比比皆是。

I'm in a cafeteria behind an elderly couple husband reaching for whole milk, reaching for whole milk.

我在自助餐廳裡，跟在一對老年夫婦身後，丈夫在拿全脂牛奶，我在拿全脂牛奶。

Listen carefully, reaching for whole milk.

仔細聽著，伸手去拿全脂牛奶。

Mid-reach, his wife states, you do not drink whole milk.

中途，他的妻子說，你不能喝全脂牛奶。

He did not stop, he did not turn to reply, just veered off, went straight to the skim milk.

他沒有停下來，也沒有轉身回答，只是偏離了方向，徑直走向脫脂牛奶。

I watched this and I thought, how lucky that man was to have found that woman.

我看完後想，那個男人找到那個女人是多麼幸運。

How many years did he drink the wrong milk?

他喝錯牛奶喝了多少年？

You learn things when you get married that you never knew when you were single.

結婚後，你會學到一些單身時不知道的東西。

For instance, now that I'm married,

比如，現在我結婚了、

I don't drink the skim milk.

我不喝脫脂牛奶。

I don't drink the skim milk.

我不喝脫脂牛奶。

You learn things that you never knew when you were single.

你會學到單身時從來不知道的東西。

For instance, now that I'm married,

比如，現在我結婚了、

I realize that I never would have survived had I stayed single.

我意識到，如果我一直單身，就永遠活不下去。

If I hadn't gotten married when I did,

如果我當初沒有結婚、

I probably would have been dead in a matter of months.

我可能幾個月後就會死掉。

I mean that, when I was single, I was wild.

我是說，當我單身時，我很狂野。

I lived on the edge.

我生活在邊緣。

You would not believe some of the things I used to do.

你不會相信我以前做過的一些事情。

For instance, when I was single,

比如，我單身的時候、

I used to wear my shoes in the house.

我習慣在家裡穿鞋。

I'm not making that up, I really did.

這不是我瞎編的，是真的。

I did not know carpets are supposed to live thousands of years.

我不知道地毯還能活幾千年。

You learn things when you get married you never knew when you were single.

結婚後，你會學到很多單身時不知道的東西。

For instance, now that I'm married,

比如，現在我結婚了、

I know that I breathe way too loud.

我知道我的呼吸聲太大了。

I'm not making that up, I really did.

這不是我瞎編的，是真的。

I did not know carpets are supposed to live thousands of years.

我不知道地毯還能活幾千年。

My wife not only told me I breathe too loud, she told me the exact distance from which people can hear me.

我的妻子不僅告訴我我呼吸太大聲，還告訴我人們能聽到我呼吸的確切距離。

A mile!

一英里

I know it, her knowledge is incredible.

我知道，她的知識令人難以置信。

You learn things when you get married that you never knew when you were single.

結婚後，你會學到一些單身時不知道的東西。

For instance, now that I'm married,

比如，現在我結婚了、

I know when it's time to leave a party.

我知道什麼時候該離開派對。

I never used to know.

我以前從來不知道。

When I was single, I would do really stupid things like stay until I quit having fun.

單身的時候，我會做一些非常愚蠢的事情，比如一直待到自己不開心為止。

Never realizing I should have left hours ago simply because it was time.

我從來沒有意識到，僅僅因為時間到了，我就應該在幾個小時前離開。

How come you're leaving a party, man?

你為什麼要離開派對？

It's time, pal, and you should get married so you'd know too.

是時候了，夥計，你應該結婚，這樣你也會知道。

I'm not making that up, I really did.

這不是我瞎編的，是真的。

See, sometimes, sometimes when people start applauding, other people are like, no, we don't want to move our arms.

你看，有時候，當人們開始鼓掌時，其他人就會說，不，我們不想動胳膊。

You learn things when you get married you never knew when you were single.

結婚後，你會學到很多單身時不知道的東西。

For instance, now that I'm married,

比如，現在我結婚了、

I realize that I never knew how to get dressed.

我意識到，我從來不知道如何穿衣服。

You ever get dressed up to go out with your wife, you come out of the bedroom and she just looks at you and says, no.

你有沒有過這樣的經歷：你穿戴整齊準備和妻子外出，從臥室出來後，她看著你說："不行。

I'm not making that up, man.

這可不是我瞎編的，夥計。

I'm not making that up.

這可不是我瞎編的。

No, you go back now.

不，你現在就回去

I will help you.

我會幫你的。

If it's a British husband, wall.

如果是英國丈夫，那就是牆。

You're married long enough, she doesn't have to say anything.

你們結婚夠久了，她沒必要說什麼。

You come out of that bedroom, you see a certain look, you just do a little U-turn.

你從臥室出來，看到某種表情，你就會轉個小彎。

You learn things when you get married you never knew when you were single.

結婚後，你會學到很多單身時不知道的東西。

You see it around us all the time.

在我們身邊，這種情況時有發生。

Today, in the hotel I'm staying at, very nice hotel, walking down the hallway behind what had to be a husband and wife.

今天，在我下榻的那家非常不錯的酒店裡，我走在走廊上，身後跟著一對夫妻。

He said, I'm hungry.

他說，我餓了。

She said, no, you're not.

她說，不，你不是。

He walked by me, looked up at me as if to say, guess I'm not hungry.

他從我身邊走過，抬頭看了我一眼，好像在說：我不餓。

I sure thought I was hungry.

我還以為我餓了呢。

Sometimes I get a pain in my stomach like I'm hungry.

有時，我的肚子會像餓了一樣疼痛。

Good thing I married her.

幸好我娶了她。

I could be eating right now and I'm not even hungry.

我現在就可以吃東西，但我根本不餓。

Well, I hope I die first.

好吧，我希望我先死。

All right, I'm gonna leave this one with you.

好吧，我把這個留給你。

The reason I saved this one for last is one of my favorites.

之所以把這一條留到最後，是因為這是我最喜歡的一條。

Also, one of the more recent ones.

也是最近的一個。

You learn things when you get married you never knew when you were single.

結婚後，你會學到很多單身時不知道的東西。

I told my wife I wanted some shirts to perform in.

我告訴妻子，我想要幾件襯衫來表演。

This is one of the shirts that she got me.

這是她送我的襯衫之一。

And I just said, I just told Nancy

我就說，我就告訴南希

I don't want to wear a pink shirt.

我不想穿粉色襯衫。

She said, it's not pink, it's hibiscus.

她說，這不是粉紅色，是木槿花。

Oh.

哦。

You know what?

你知道嗎？

I think I missed school the day they covered that color.

我想我錯過了學校的那一天，他們報道了這種顏色。

I don't ever remember asking another kid, hey, pass me that hibiscus crayon.

我不記得我曾經問過別的孩子，嘿，把那支木槿蠟筆遞給我。

And then all my brothers saw me in his shirt and they're all making fun of me.

然後我所有的兄弟都看到我穿著他的襯衫，他們都取笑我。

Hey, you're wearing a pink shirt except now I'm armed with new knowledge.

嘿，你穿的是粉色襯衫，只不過現在我有了新知識。

It's not pink, it's hibiscus.

這不是粉紅色，而是木槿花。

And then all my brothers went, oh.

然後我所有的兄弟都走了

And one by one as they got married they got hibiscus shirts.

他們一個接一個地結婚，穿上了芙蓉襯衫。

But this is the beautiful part.

但這才是最美的部分。

This is where I know you're with me on this.

這就是我知道你支持我的地方。

After a show, I had a couple come up to me.

演出結束後，有一對情侶向我走來。

The wife wanted her picture with me in my hibiscus shirt.

妻子想和穿著芙蓉襯衫的我合影。

She started to take her shawl off.

她開始脫披肩。

As a joke, I said, why don't I wear your shawl?

我開玩笑說，我為什麼不披上你的披肩呢？

Her husband immediately said, no, the shawl is salmon.

她丈夫馬上說，不，披肩是三文魚的。

That would clash with the hibiscus.

這會與木槿花相沖突。

All right, thanks a whole lot everybody.

好的，非常感謝大家。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Trust me, click it.

相信我，點擊它。

Click it, click it, click it.

點擊它，點擊它，點擊它。

You won't regret it.

你不會後悔的。

Trust me, click it.

相信我，點擊它。