Everybody should have average dick until proven guilty.

在被證明有罪之前，每個人都應該有平均的 "小弟弟"。

I don't care how tall you are, what ethnicity you are, how big your hands are, everybody should start at average dick, eight inches.

我不管你有多高，什麼種族，手有多大，每個人都應該從平均雞巴開始，八英寸。

And we go from there.

我們就從這裡開始。

I see a lot of people out here in the streets.

我在街上看到很多人。

They want to come up to me, but they're not really sure.

他們想過來找我，但又不太確定。

There's a lot of debate amongst their friends.

他們的朋友之間有很多爭論。

They're like, hey man, are you sure that's him?

他們說，嘿，夥計，你確定是他嗎？

If we go up there, we gotta be sure.

如果我們去那裡，一定要確保萬無一失。

Because if we go up there and it's not him, we're gonna look super racist.

因為如果我們上去的不是他，我們就會顯得超級種族歧視。

Are you sure that's not Ken Jeong?

你確定那不是 Ken Jeong 嗎？

I don't know, it looks kind of like Ali Wong, I don't know.

我不知道，看起來有點像阿里-王，我不知道。

I gotta give every Uber driver a five-star rating just so I can be a good representative.

我得給每個 Uber 司機五星好評，這樣我才能成為一個好代表。

Everywhere I go, I gotta represent.

無論我走到哪裡，我都要代表自己。

Even day-to-day shit.

即使是日常狗屎。

Even the bedroom, I gotta represent.

即使是臥室，我也要代表它。

After I hooked up with this one girl, this is what she said to me.

在我勾搭上這個女孩之後，她是這樣對我說的。

She was like, Jimmy, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're the first Asian guy I've ever been with.

她說，吉米，我不知道該怎麼跟你說 你是我交往過的第一個亞洲男人

I'm like, okay.

我想，好吧。

What do you want, a fortune cookie?

你想要什麼，幸運餅乾嗎？

This one girl said this shit that was so disrespectful.

這個女孩說的這些話太不尊重人了。

This is what she said to me after we hooked up.

這是她在我們勾搭上之後對我說的話。

She was like, Jimmy, I'm just glad the stereotype's not true.

她說，吉米，我很高興這種刻板印象不是真的。

You don't have a small penis.

你的陰莖不小

And I'm like, bitch, you understand, you just insulted my entire race of people.

我就說，賤人，你知道嗎，你剛剛侮辱了我的整個種族。

But thank you.

不過還是謝謝你。

People are just gonna exoticize us, that's fine.

人們會把我們異國化，沒關係。

Whenever somebody asks me to do something I don't wanna do,

每當有人要求我做一些我不想做的事時、

I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now.

我現在就編一個假的中國節日。

It's like, hey, Jimmy, can you help me move next Monday?

就像，嘿，吉米，下週一你能幫我搬家嗎？

I'm like, Monday?

我想，星期一？

That's the Dragon Boat, life of the party.

這就是龍舟，派對的生命。

That's the Dragon Boat, lychee boba festival, dog.

那是端午節，荔枝粑粑節，狗狗。

I can't just help you move.

我不能只是幫你搬家。

My grandfather died for that shit, you understand?

我爺爺就是為那玩意兒死的，你明白嗎？

And if people was gonna assume that I don't speak English, that's fine.

如果人們認為我不會說英語，那也沒關係。

That's what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops.

現在當我被警察攔下時，我就會這麼做。

I just pretend I don't speak English.

我只是假裝不會說英語。

Haven't gotten a ticket in five years.

五年來從未收到過罰單。

Last time I got pulled over, the cop was knocking on my window.

上次我被攔下時，警察正在敲我的車窗。

He's like, sir, you do understand you can't make a right turn here.

他說，先生，你知道這裡不能右轉吧。

It says right there in the sign, you can't make a right turn.

路標上寫著，你不能右轉。

So I just looked up at him, I was like, oh.

我抬起頭看著他，我想，哦。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I'm sorry, but the English is not very good, so I cannot read the sign.

對不起，我的英語不好，看不懂標語。

And he was really confused.

他真的很困惑。

He just looked back down at me.

他只是低頭看著我。

He was like, sir, the sign is not in English.

他說，先生，這個標誌不是用英語寫的。

It's a diagram, so I don't understand.

這是一張圖，所以我不明白。

How that's a language barrier?

這怎麼會是語言障礙呢？

So I just looked up at him, I was like, oh.

我抬起頭看著他，我想，哦。

I don't know.

我不知道。

But do you know today is the Dragon Ball light chip.

但你知道今天是龍珠光芯片的日子嗎？

I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago.

直到一年前，我還在用 Tinder。

This is a true story.

這是一個真實的故事。

But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder.

但現在我意識到，我在 Tinder 上遇到了全新的問題。

Like now when I do match with a girl, she doesn't believe that it's me.

就像現在，當我和一個女孩配對時，她不相信那是我。

Like, ew, that's not you.

比如，呃，那不是你。

You're not that guy from this thing and that thing.

你不是這個那個的傢伙。

I'm like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile?

我就想，誰他媽在用我做假檔案？

You gotta dig real deep to use me, man.

要利用我，你就得挖地三尺。

Feel like there's so many better choices out there.

感覺有很多更好的選擇。

One time my agent told me that I had a good look.

有一次，我的經紀人告訴我，我長得很好看。

And I'm like, thanks, dude, I appreciate that.

我就說，謝謝，老兄，我很感激。

But then it took me years to realize that having a good look is totally different than being good looking.

但後來我花了很多年才意識到，擁有好的外表和長得好看是完全不同的。

I still don't know what the fuck it means.

我還是不知道這到底是什麼意思。

I've been dating a lot of tall girls lately because it makes me look successful.

我最近和很多高個子女孩約會，因為這讓我看起來很成功。

I think tall women are beautiful, but some of them like to wear heels.

我認為高個子女性很美，但有些女性喜歡穿高跟鞋。

That's just disrespect.

這就是不尊重。

Like, you're already five inches taller than me.

比如，你已經比我高五英寸了。

Why the fuck are you wearing heels?

你他媽為什麼穿高跟鞋？

And she's like, it makes my ass look better.

她就說，這樣我的屁股就好看多了。

I'm like, your ass is at my eye level right now.

我想，你的屁股現在就在我的視線範圍內。

Neither of us look good, okay?

我們都不好看，好嗎？

I look like a child and you look like a child molester.

我看起來像個孩子，而你看起來像個兒童性騷擾者。

My real name is not even Jimmy.

我的真名甚至不是吉米。

That's my English name.

這是我的英文名字。

My real name is Man Shing.

我的真名叫文成。

In Cantonese, Man Shing.

粵語是 Man Shing。

It stands for 10,000 success.

它代表著一萬次成功。

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.

是啊，是啊，是啊，嗯，嗯，嗯，嗯，是啊。

I had very ambitious parents.

我有一對雄心勃勃的父母。

And now I'm telling dick jokes and doing Tai Chi on stage, so.

現在我在舞臺上講雞巴笑話、打太極，所以。

And my dad, he named himself Richard.

我爸爸給自己取名理查德。

I was like, dad, why'd you name yourself Richard?

我當時想，爸爸，你為什麼給自己起名叫理查德？

He was like, because I want to be rich.

他說，因為我想發財。

It makes so much sense.

這太有道理了。

My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game, and he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game.

每次訓練、每場比賽，爸爸都會帶我去，每次賽前他都會給我打氣。

But you know Asian parents, they're way too honest.

但你知道亞洲父母，他們太誠實了。

So every pep talk just turned into an insult.

所以，每次鼓舞人心的談話都變成了侮辱。

Like, he would come up to me and be like, Jimmy.

比如，他會走過來對我說，吉米。

Jimmy, you're going to play well, okay?

吉米，你會打得很好的，好嗎？

Even though you're slow.

即使你很慢

Even though you're weak.

即使你很軟弱

And you suck.

而你很爛。

And then he would just walk away.

然後他就走開了。

After I graduated, I didn't want to do like econ or finance.

畢業後，我不想做經濟或金融之類的工作。

So I went up to my dad, I was like, dad,

所以我就去找我爸爸，我就說，爸爸、

I don't want to do any of this.

我不想做這些事。

I want to go try and do stand-up.

我想去嘗試表演單口相聲。

And he was like, what's a stand-up?

他說，什麼是站立？

You mean like a talk show?

你是說脫口秀嗎？

I was like, yeah, sure, talk show, whatever you want to call it, okay?

我當時想，是啊，當然，脫口秀，不管你怎麼稱呼它，好嗎？

But I want to go pursue my dreams.

但我想去追求我的夢想。

And he was like, no.

他說，不

Pursuing your dreams has nothing to do with your dreams.

追求夢想與夢想無關。

Pursuing your dreams is how you become homeless.

追求夢想就是你無家可歸的方式。

I was like, no, no, dad, dad, things are different now.

我當時想，不，不，爸爸，爸爸，現在情況不同了。

We're in America, okay?

我們在美國，好嗎？

In America, we're supposed to do what we love.

在美國，我們應該做自己喜歡的事。

He was like, no.

他說，不

Everyone does what they hate for money and use the money to do what they love.

每個人都會為了錢去做自己討厭的事，然後用錢去做自己喜歡的事。

One time I asked my dad, I was like, dad, after 38 years, do you still love mom?

有一次我問爸爸，爸爸，38 年了，你還愛媽媽嗎？

And he was like, love?

他說，愛嗎？

Your mom married me to escape communist China.

你媽媽嫁給我是為了逃離共產主義中國。

It's not love, it's a good deal.

這不是愛情，而是一筆好交易。

That's how we show love, people.

這就是我們表達愛的方式，各位。

If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people, right?

如果你想得到實惠，就跟著亞洲老人走，對嗎？

You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people because you know everyone's getting a great deal.

你去好市多（Costco），看到的都是亞洲老人，因為你知道每個人都得到了實惠。

Nobody's getting ripped off.

沒有人被騙。

You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life.

你去全食超市，我這輩子都沒見過一個亞洲老混蛋。

Asian people, we don't buy organic shit.

亞洲人，我們不買有機食品。

We don't believe in organic labeling.

我們不相信有機標籤。

We better still see you swimming or still walking.

我們最好還能看到你游泳或走路。

That's organic to us.

這對我們來說是有機的。

The first day I got my passport,

第一天，我拿到了護照、

I was feeling real patriotic.

我感到非常愛國。

So I went to my local Hooters.

於是我去了當地的 Hooters。

Yeah, I was drinking a Coors Light.

是啊，我當時喝的是科爾斯淡啤。

I was watching the World Cup.

我在看世界盃。

It was USA vs. Europe.

這是美國對歐洲。

I was watching the World Cup.

我在看世界盃。

It was USA vs. Mexico.

美國隊對陣墨西哥隊。

And I was like, man, I'm cheering for Team USA.

我當時想，夥計，我要為美國隊加油。

I'm American, finally.

我終於成了美國人

And this old Mexican dude came up to me.

然後有個墨西哥老頭走到我面前。

He couldn't really speak English.

他真的不會說英語。

And this is what he said.

他是這樣說的

He was like, amigo, amigo, Mexico, Korea, tomorrow, huh?

他說，朋友，朋友，墨西哥，韓國，明天，嗯？

And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

我就想，你他媽在說什麼？

What, are you trying to start World War III or something?

怎麼，你想挑起第三次世界大戰還是怎麼著？

I'm not even Korean.

我甚至不是韓國人。

He managed to insult me with the only three English words he knew.

他用僅會的三個英語單詞侮辱了我。

So I really felt the need to explain myself.

所以我真的覺得有必要解釋一下。

I was like, sir, I'm not Korean.

我就說，先生，我不是韓國人。

I'm Chinese.

我是中國人。

And he looked back to his friends.

他回頭看了看他的朋友們。

He was like, oh, pinche chanito, huh?

他說，哦，Pinche Chanito，是吧？

And I'm like, sir, you do know that I can understand what that means, okay?

我就說，先生，你知道我能理解那是什麼意思，好嗎？

I have Mexican friends back home just like you.

我在家鄉也有和你一樣的墨西哥朋友。

He was like, no, I'm not Mexican.

他說，不，我不是墨西哥人。

I'm El Salvador.

我是薩爾瓦多人

And I'm like, oh, great.

我想，哦，太好了。

Now I'm the fucking racist.

現在我成了該死的種族主義者。

Thank you guys very much.

非常感謝你們。

You guys are amazing.

你們太棒了