She likes watching the Oprah Winfrey show and I love to watch her watch the Oprah show.

她喜歡看奧普拉-溫弗瑞的節目，我也喜歡看她看奧普拉的節目。

And then I wait for Oprah to say something that I don't agree with and then I take it out on my girlfriend because I'm an asshole. So, Oprah brings out this guest, she gives her this huge intro. She's been on this, she's been on that, and she does the most difficult job on the planet. She's the mother. So immediately I look at my girlfriend, I'm like, really?

然後我就等著奧普拉說一些我不同意的話 然後我就拿我女朋友出氣 因為我是個混蛋奧普拉請出這位嘉賓 給她做了一個巨大的開場白她上過這個節目 也上過那個節目 她做著這個星球上最難的工作她是母親所以我立刻看向我的女朋友 我想，真的嗎？

Being a mom is the most difficult job on the planet? How many mothers died on ice road truckers last season? Any moms get washed overboard on Deadliest Catch? I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but what would you rather have as a job? You want to scoop scallops off the bottom of the ocean, catching that lobster trap to the back of your head? Or do you want to hang in the sunshine with a couple of rug rats? You'd send them to bed any time you wanted, some trumped up charges, because you want to have a drink and watch the prices, right? I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is the most difficult job.

做媽媽是世界上最難的工作？上一季有多少母親死於冰路卡車司機？有媽媽在 "最致命的捕撈 "中被衝下海嗎？我無意冒犯，但你更願意做什麼工作？你想在海底撈扇貝，用龍蝦夾夾住你的後腦勺？或者你想和幾個毯子老鼠一起晒太陽？你隨時都可以用莫須有的罪名把他們送上床，因為你想喝杯酒，看看物價，對嗎？我不知道，也許我錯了。也許這是最困難的工作

I mean, I thought roofing in the middle of July is a redhead, you know? I thought that was a difficult job. I really did. I thought it was difficult. But evidently, evidently these mothers, they're bending over at the waist, putting DVDs into DVD players, going to war pinned down by a sniper. What a joke! You ever burp a baby and forget to put that towel up there? There's another shirt you got to wash. Oh, lift with your knees and put it in that machine that does it for you. Dude, any job you can do in your pajamas is not difficult. It isn't. I'm sure it's. Yeah, to hell with these mothers. Watching cartoons, taking naps. Look, I'm messing around, but you know, come on. I know it's a difficult job, but the most difficult job on the whole planet. Remember when Saddam let the oil fields on fire and those poor bastards had to go put them out? 4,000 degrees, walking in with your little asbestos shield, just walking into flames. You want to do that or watch

我是說，我以為在七月中旬修屋頂是個紅頭文件，你知道嗎？我覺得那是個很難的工作真的我以為那很難但很明顯，很明顯這些母親們 她們彎著腰，把DVD放進DVD機裡 被狙擊手壓制著上戰場真是個笑話你有沒有在給孩子拍嗝的時候忘了把毛巾放上去？你還有一件襯衫要洗。哦，用膝蓋抬起來，放進機器裡，機器會幫你洗的。夥計，任何你穿著睡衣就能做的工作都不難。不難我相信是啊，讓這些媽媽們見鬼去吧看卡通片，睡午覺聽著，我是在開玩笑，但你知道，拜託我知道這工作很難 但這是地球上最難的工作了還記得薩達姆讓油田著火 那些可憐的混蛋不得不去

Bob the Builder again? I mean, be honest with yourself. I got a dog recently. I did. I went down to the pound. I got one of those free dogs. Yeah, that's how I say it. I don't say

又是 "建築工鮑勃"？說實話吧我最近養了條狗是我養的我去了收容所我得到了一個 那些免費的狗。對，我就是這麼說的我不說

I rescued a dog. I hate when people say that. It's like totally obnoxious. It's a complete exaggeration. She's a rescue. Yeah, I rescued her. Really? Did you pull her out of a burning building? Did you jump in a river with your clothes still on with no concern for your own safety? Or did you just go down to the pound and get a free dog? Isn't that what you did? Stop acting like you had to take out a couple of guards, crawling on your elbows, using hand signals. Dude, you ever go down to the pound and they're just giving them away? They don't even do a background check. You want an egg? Get out of here. Who's next? You want a poodle? Come on. You got a perm. It'll be hilarious. Actually, my girlfriend got the dog when I was on the road.

我救了一隻狗我討厭別人這麼說完全是在誇大其詞完全是誇大其詞她是被救回來的是啊，我救了她。真的嗎？你把她從著火的大樓裡救出來的？還是你不顧自己的安危 穿著衣服跳進河裡？還是你去動物收容所找了只免費的狗？你不就是這麼做的嗎？別裝得好像你得用手勢匍匐前進幹掉幾個守衛似的。老兄，你去過動物收容所嗎？ 他們就這麼把狗送人？他們連背景調查都不做你想要個雞蛋？滾出去下一個是誰？你想要獅子狗？來吧你燙髮了會很搞笑的事實上，我女朋友在我出差的時候養的狗

I was on the road. She got the dog. Classic girlfriend move, right? That's just a 10 to 15 year commitment. Why would you include me in that decision? What would I need to know? So, we're Skyping. I thought she got one of those little shit dogs, you know, like a Yorkshire

我在路上她得到了狗。典型的閨蜜之舉，對吧？這只是一個10到15年的承諾。你為什麼要把我算進去？我需要知道什麼？我們在Skype上我還以為她養了一隻小狗屎狗，就像約克夏犬一樣

Terrier or something you could punt across the room if it got out of line, right? Something you could take your day out on. You know what I'm saying? So, we're Skyping. I go, let me see it.

梗犬之類的東西，如果它不聽話，你可以把它扔到房間的另一頭，對嗎？你可以拿它出氣明白我的意思嗎？我們在Skype上我去，讓我看看

So, she pans around and I think I'm gonna see, you know, some little, little chihuahua, whatever the hell those dogs are. I'm immediately staring at like this hellhound. It's just massive dog and it looks, I start freaking out. I'm like, is that a pit bull? Please tell me you didn't get a pit bull. She's like, it's not a pit bull. It's a mix. Mix with what? Another pit bull? Look at that thing. It's like it's been doing pull-ups its entire life. Its front paws were still taped up and shadowboxing. It's got a teardrop tattoo. It's a pit bull. What more do you need to see?

她把鏡頭轉過來，我想我會看到一些 小吉娃娃，不管是什麼狗。我馬上就被這隻地獄犬盯上了這只是一個巨大的狗 它看起來，我開始嚇壞了。我想，那是鬥牛犬嗎？請告訴我，你沒有得到一個鬥牛犬。她說，這不是鬥牛犬。是混種和什麼混種？另一條鬥牛犬？看看那東西就像它一直在做引體向上一樣它的前爪還綁著膠帶在打影拳呢！它有一個淚滴紋身。這是一隻鬥牛犬。你還需要看什麼？

Oh, it gets worse. Her and a friend actually didn't get it down at the pound. They found it by the Los Angeles River. Yeah, this thing was the real deal. She's sitting there going, it was out there for 10 days. Don't you think that's sad? No, it's scary because judging by its physique, it got plenty of protein over the last week and a half. It wasn't eating nuts and berries, all right? It was choking out joggers. It was twisting heads off of rabbits. You brought a murderer into the house. Just rescue an alligator while you're at it. Stick it under the bed, add to the excitement. You know what's great though? I fell in love with the dog.

哦，情況更糟了。她和一個朋友其實不是在動物收容所找到它的。他們是在洛杉磯河邊發現它的是啊，這東西可是貨真價實的她坐在那裡說，它在外面待了10天你不覺得這很可悲嗎？不，這很可怕 因為從它的體型來看 在過去的一週半里 它攝入了大量的蛋白質它吃的不是堅果和漿果，對吧？它嗆死了慢跑者它把兔子的頭擰下來你把殺人犯帶到家裡來了順便救一條鱷魚吧把它塞到床底下，增加刺激感你知道最棒的是什麼嗎？我愛上了那條狗

Absolutely love this dog and I'm totally sold on the breed. And I know a lot of people don't like pit bulls because they ate a couple of kids. I understand that. I'm telling you, you owe it to yourself at some point in your life to walk down the street with a pit bull.

我非常喜歡這種狗，我完全被它的品種所吸引。我知道很多人不喜歡鬥牛犬，因為它們吃掉了幾個孩子。這我理解。我告訴你，在你生命中的某個時刻，你應該和鬥牛犬一起走在街上。

You got to do it. It's tremendous. People just get out of the way.

你必須這麼做。這是巨大的。人們只是讓開道路。

Three, four blocks away, they see me coming. They immediately start crossing the street.

三四個街區外，他們看到我來了。他們立刻開始過馬路

I love it. I feel like a king. I don't know why black people complain about that.

我喜歡我覺得自己像個國王。我不知道為什麼黑人會抱怨這個。

I love having the whole side of the street to myself. It's awesome.

我喜歡獨享整條街。這太棒了。

Black people have no idea how difficult it is as a white man to have to walk down the street every half a block, have frivolous conversations about the weather.

黑人不知道，作為一個白人，每隔半個街區就得走到街上，就天氣進行無聊的交談，這有多麼困難。

Oh man, I think it is going to rain. Why? Why do we have to have this conversation?

天啊，我覺得要下雨了。為什麼？我們為什麼要談這個？

No, it's tremendous. I like the respect. Look at me. My whole life, I've looked like Ron Howard.

不，這很棒。我喜歡這種尊重看看我我一輩子都像朗-霍華德

You realize that? My whole life, I've been mugged repeatedly. I've never had any street cred whatsoever. The second they see this four-legged P90X body coming down the street, that's it.

你知道嗎？我這輩子屢次被搶劫我從來沒有什麼街頭信譽他們一看到我這四條腿的P90X身材 從街上走過來，就完了

It's the best dog on the planet. You got to get a pit bull. I'm telling you, man, it's like a gun you can pet. Get two of them. Come down, you're just strapped.

它是這個星球上最好的狗。你得養條鬥牛犬我告訴你，夥計，它就像一把槍，你可以撫摸它。養兩隻下來吧，你只是綁。

All of a sudden, there's no line at the ATM. The whole world opens up for you.

突然之間，取款機前不用排隊了。整個世界為你敞開。

All right, let's wrap this up here. I had lunch the other day. I'm a big-time conspiracy theorist.

好了，讓我們來總結一下吧。我前幾天吃過午飯我是個大陰謀論者

I drive my girlfriend nuts. I think they're about ready to microchip all of us.

我快把我女朋友逼瘋了我想他們已經準備好給我們所有人植入芯片了。

Yeah, they got this commercial down in the States. You got that commercial up here for Duracell batteries? They're selling batteries, and the commercial is, some woman can't find her kid in the park. That's how they're selling batteries. What the hell kind of way is that to sell batteries?

是啊，美國有這樣的廣告你有金霸王電池的廣告嗎？他們在賣電池，廣告內容是 有個女人在公園裡找不到她的孩子他們就是這麼賣電池的這算什麼賣電池？

Do you remember the old commercials? They just show some guy in a rainstorm, has a flat, pulls out a flashlight. Oh, thank God he had Duracell. You can see how wet I'm getting.

你還記得以前的廣告嗎？廣告裡有個人在暴雨中 爆胎了 拿出手電筒謝天謝地他有金霸王手電筒你看我都溼透了

That was it. Now they're showing this woman she can't find her kid in the park.

就是這樣現在他們讓這個女人在公園裡找不到她的孩子。

She's sitting there going, Kevin? Kevin? Has anybody seen Kevin? Sitting there freaking out, then she pulls out this little device, and there comes Kevin running out of the woods, and they're like, Duracell batteries. It's like, dude, the hell with the batteries.

她坐在那裡，凱文？凱文？有人看到凱文了嗎？她坐在那裡嚇壞了 然後她拿出這個小裝置 然後凱文從樹林裡跑出來 他們就像金霸王電池一樣就像，夥計，電池見鬼去吧。 It's like, dude, the hell with the batteries.

What was that thing she just took out of her pocket? How did Kevin know to come out of the woods? He didn't have an antenna. His sneakers weren't glowing. What the hell is in Kevin that's connected to that device? Don't just show me that like that's normal. Oh, yeah, robot kid. Let's go see mommy. You guys were awesome. Thank you so much.

她剛才從口袋裡拿出來的是什麼東西？凱文怎麼知道從樹林裡出來的？他沒有天線他的運動鞋也沒有發光凱文體內到底有什麼東西 和那個裝置連在一起？別給我看得好像這很正常一樣 Don't just show me that like that's normal.對了，機器人小孩我們去找媽媽吧你們太棒了謝謝你們

People say, do you ever smoke marijuana? I go, I don't need another reason to be hungry.

人們說，你吸過大麻嗎？我抽，我不需要別的理由來捱餓。

Like you ever seen a guy hit on a woman through a group of other people, like not even bother walking up to her, just like yells at her like, hey, you with the tits. You guys move. What's up? I'm Greg like that guy.

就像你見過一個男人穿過一群人去搭訕一個女人嗎？ 他甚至懶得走到她身邊，只是對她大喊："嘿，你有胸嗎？你們讓開怎麼了？我就是格雷格