They know about Santa Claus,

他們知道聖誕老人、

but they just kind of projected it

但他們只是一種預測

onto another old white man.

到另一個白人老頭身上。

You know, the KFC guy, Colonel Sanders.

你知道，肯德基的那個人，桑德斯上校。

That's who people put a Santa hat on

這就是人們給誰戴上聖誕老人的帽子

every Christmas in Japan.

在日本，每年聖誕節都會舉辦。

Hi, I'm Atsuko Okatsuka.

大家好，我是岡冢敦子。

I'm a Japanese Taiwanese American comedian.

我是一個日本臺灣美國喜劇演員。

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂）

So I grew up in Japan and I was living there

我在日本長大，並在那裡生活

with my mom and grandma

和媽媽、奶奶在一起

when, one day, my grandma was like,

有一天，我奶奶說：

we're going on a two months vacation to the United States

我們要去美國度假兩個月

and then we got here

然後我們就到了這裡

and we overstayed our visas by seven years.

我們的簽證逾期七年。

And that is how you become undocumented immigrants.

這就是你們成為無證移民的原因。

So my first Christmas in the United States,

這是我在美國過的第一個聖誕節、

I had started hearing from all my friends at school,

我開始聽到學校裡所有朋友的消息、

oh no, Santa Claus is someone that actually comes to you.

哦，不，聖誕老人是真正來到你身邊的人。

Okay. I was like, what?

好吧，我當時想，什麼？

They were like, yeah, you know,

他們說，是啊，你知道的、

Santa Claus is coming to town.

聖誕老人要進城了

He knows when you are sleeping.

他知道你什麼時候睡著。

I said, okay, let me lock my doors.

我說，好吧，讓我把門鎖上。

He sounds like a burglar.

他聽起來像個小偷。

They said, no, he will give you whatever you want

他們說，不，你要什麼他都給你

as long as you write it in a letter

只要你寫在信中

specifying what you want

說明您的需求

and then you had to also put out fresh baked cookies for him

然後你還得為他準備新鮮出爐的餅乾

and a glass of milk.

和一杯牛奶。

I said, fresh baked cookies?

我說，新鮮出爐的餅乾？

I don't bake.

我不烘焙。

I'm 10 years old.

我今年 10 歲。

My aunt and uncle do not bake because we're immigrants

我的舅舅和舅媽不烘焙，因為我們是移民

and we use our oven to store Tupperware in it,

我們用烤箱來存放特百惠、

but I did find a box of almond cookies laying around,

不過，我倒是找到了一盒杏仁餅乾、

so I said, hope Santa understands.

所以我說，希望聖誕老人能理解。

These will be what he eats.

他就吃這些。

Hopefully he's into trying new things.

希望他喜歡嘗試新事物。

And I laid out a glass of soy milk because we're Asian

我還準備了一杯豆漿，因為我們是亞洲人

and we don't do lactose.

我們不含乳糖。

Now mind you, at this point in my life,

請注意，在我人生的這個階段、

I'm going by Stacy

我叫斯泰西

because nobody at my school could get my name right.

因為學校裡沒人能叫對我的名字。

I've heard all kinds of versions.

我聽過各種版本。

Astoogi, Astooko, Oscar, Costco.

Astoogi、Astooko、Oscar、Costco。

Finally, my teacher just said,

最後，我的老師只說了一句話、

why don't you just go by Stacey?

你為什麼不直接叫斯泰西？

And so I did.

我就這樣做了。

At the same time, there was rumors going around at school

與此同時，學校裡也流傳著一些謠言

that Santa Claus was actually just being played

聖誕老人其實只是被人扮演的

by the father figure in the household,

家庭中的父親角色、

so I had started bracing myself

所以我已經開始為自己打氣

that it was gonna be my uncle playing Santa.

是我叔叔扮演聖誕老人。

So I wrote the letter.

於是我寫了這封信。

It said, dear Santa, for Christmas,

上面寫著：親愛的聖誕老人，聖誕快樂、

I would really love a white teddy bear holding a heart

我非常喜歡一隻抱著心的白色泰迪熊

that says I love you, Atsuko

我愛你，篤子

because I needed someone to tell me

因為我需要有人告訴我

that they loved me in writing and then I go to sleep.

然後我就睡覺了。

So here's my poor uncle and aunt childless

這就是我可憐的叔叔和嬸嬸，他們沒有孩子

are now like, okay, we have a child's wishes to grant.

現在，我們要實現一個孩子的願望。

So Christmas morning comes.

聖誕節的早晨來臨了。

My uncle and aunt gathered free decorations

我的叔叔和嬸嬸收集了免費的裝飾品

from their church friends, like wreaths or tiny trees,

教會朋友送的花環或小樹、

acorns, some kind of red and green plants, candy canes,

橡子、某種紅色和綠色植物、糖葫蘆、

just decked out.

只是裝飾了一下。

I was like, oh wow, we've made it.

我當時想，哇，我們成功了。

This is what it feels like.

就是這種感覺。

I'm an American now.

我現在是美國人了

At the time, I was like,

當時我想

we are freaks and that we had to desperately try to fit in

我們是怪胎，我們必須拼命適應環境

and I think that's why I was so stoked when my uncle

我想這就是為什麼當我的叔叔

and aunt's living room looked like the American Christmas

姨媽家的客廳看起來就像美國的聖誕節

that I had seen in TV and films.

我曾在電視和電影中看到過。

So I look in the stocking and lo and behold,

於是，我看了看襪子裡的東西，哇塞，原來是我的襪子、

there it is a white teddy bear with a heart

那是一隻有心的白色泰迪熊

that says I love you Astusuko.

上面寫著 "我愛你"。

Astusuko.

小椋鳥

That's not how you spell my name.

我的名字不是這麼拼的

So I bring it over to my grandma

於是我把它拿給奶奶

who's just getting up.

誰剛起床。

Ah, our first Christmas in America.

啊，我們在美國的第一個聖誕節。

And I'm go grandma, grandma checked this out

我走了，奶奶，奶奶檢查過了

and she goes, oh yeah, that's a beautiful gift.

她就會說，哦，是啊，這禮物真漂亮。

I say no, I love you, Astusuko.

我說不，我愛你，小天子。

That's not my name.

那不是我的名字

And she was like, oh, it's fine.

她說，哦，沒關係。

You got a gift.

你有禮物

Isn't that so great?

是不是很棒？

Is this Uncle Paul's job?

這是保羅叔叔的工作嗎？

He knows my name.

他知道我的名字

He's my legal guardian.

他是我的法定監護人

He writes my name down all the time.

他總是把我的名字寫下來。

And then I was like, if it's misspelled,

然後我就想，如果拼錯了、

then it can't be my uncle,

那就不可能是我叔叔、

then it's gotta be the real Santa.

那就一定是真的聖誕老人了。

Right?

對不對？

Cause think about it.

因為你想想看

Well, Santa is white.

聖誕老人是白人。

Maybe he doesn't know how to spell a Japanese name.

也許他不知道日本名字怎麼拼。

Maybe he freaked out just like everyone else at my school

也許他和我學校的其他人一樣嚇壞了

at the sight of my name, was like,

一聽到我的名字，就像

Astoogi, Oscar, Costco, I don't know.

Astoogi、Oscar、Costco，我不知道。

Astusuko.

小椋鳥

And then he had to go hit up a bunch of other homes

然後，他不得不去打聽其他的房子

and he didn't eat the almond cookies.

他沒有吃杏仁餅乾。

Maybe it is the old white man Santa

也許是聖誕老人

that doesn't like Asian cookies

不喜歡亞洲餅乾的人

that didn't know how to spell my Asian name.

他不知道我的亞洲名字怎麼拼。

Maybe he's real.

也許他是真的

So I was like, if this is the real Santa, then I'm special

所以我想，如果這是真的聖誕老人，那我就很特別了

and I'm part of Santa's world now.

我現在是聖誕老人世界的一部分了。

Okay, Santa knows I exist.

好吧，聖誕老人知道我的存在。

It was like a Christmas miracle.

這就像一個聖誕奇蹟。

- [Santa] Ho, ho, ho.

- 嗬，嗬，嗬

- So years pass, I'm an adult now,

- 歲月流逝，我已長大成人、

I'm at another family Christmas function

我正在參加另一個家庭的聖誕節活動

and my uncle fessed up and said, yes, I've been Santa Claus,

我叔叔承認說，是的，我是聖誕老人、

and, yes, I did misspell your name.

是的，我確實拼錯了你的名字。

Truth is I'm not good at cursive.

事實上，我不擅長草書。

And I just kind of freaked out and kept writing ses and ues

我嚇壞了，不停地寫 "ses "和 "ues"。

and they were like, ah, that's fine.

他們就說，啊，沒關係。

Maybe Atsuko won't notice.

也許篤子不會注意到

Put it in the stocking.

把它放進襪子裡

And that's when I said, Uncle,

這時我說，叔叔、

why didn't you just write Stacey?

你為什麼不直接寫 Stacey？

You know I was going by that at that time

你知道我當時是這麼想的

and then he looked me straight in the eyes and he goes

然後他直視著我的眼睛說

because that's not your name,

因為那不是你的名字

which is funny because my uncle, he goes by Paul.

有趣的是，我叔叔的名字叫保羅。

So thinking back now to that Christmas,

現在回想起那個聖誕節

it was really kind of a family affair

真的是家事

to make sure that I had a lovely Christmas.

確保我度過一個愉快的聖誕節。

Now that I'm older, I've embraced my uniqueness.

現在我長大了，我已經接受了自己的獨特性。

Now, we do Christmas and our normal way,

現在，我們按照自己的方式過聖誕節、

which is me making my mom, grandma, and husband

這是我讓媽媽、奶奶和丈夫

watch as I do a one-woman stand-up show for them.

觀看我為他們表演的獨角戲。

And they're forced to watch until I'm done.

在我做完之前，他們只能在一旁看著。

And that's what Christmas is all about: me.

這就是聖誕節的意義所在：我。

(gentle music)

（輕柔的音樂）

That's fine.

沒關係。

Maybe Atsuko won't notice.

也許篤子不會注意到

Put it in the stocking.

把它放進襪子裡

(Atsuko grunting)

(篤子叫聲)

Honey, it's finished.

親愛的，結束了

Put it on the tree.

把它掛在樹上

Put it on the tree.

把它掛在樹上

(gentle chiming)

（輕柔的鐘聲）