So here to communicate her secrets to us is psychotherapist Niro Feliciano and we always love when you're here. Good morning.

心理治療師尼羅·費利西亞諾 (Niro Feliciano) 在這裡向我們傳達她的秘密，我們非常高興您能在這裡。 早安.

Welcome back. - Good morning.

歡迎回來。 - 早安.

So we always hear communication is so important but romantic, platonic, you know, but why and how do we lower our stress when it comes to communicating?

所以我們總是聽說溝通非常重要，不論是在浪漫關係還是友誼中，但是為什麼以及我們如何在溝通時降低壓力？

So this is the amazing thing.

這就是令人驚奇的事。

There's this term called super communicators and what we know about them is they live longer, they live healthier they live happier so there's something to this end doors of opportunity open for them readily.

有一個術語叫做「超級溝通者」，我們對他們的了解是，他們活得更長，他們活得更健康，他們活得更快樂，所以為此目的，機會之門隨時為他們敞開。

And really what it is, is it's four skills you need to learn.

事實上，你需要學習的四項技能。

Now I know I've talked about a lot of things here, but if there's anything you remember, take this.

現在我知道我已經在這裡談論過很多事情，但是如果你還記得什麼，請記住這個。

Because it will transform your relationships instantly; work, parenting, couples relationships, all of it.

因為它會立即改變你的人際關係； 工作、養育子女、夫妻關係，所有這些。

Okay. - Oh, I thought you were ready to give us the four things.

好的。 - 哦，我以為你已經準備好要給我們四樣東西了。

No, you have to ask her.

不行，你得問她。

Okay, alright, first step in improving our communication style.

好吧，好吧，這是改善我們溝通方式的第一步。

Yes, so you know, a lot of times when we're in a conversation we're already formulating our own response.

是的，所以你知道，很多時候當我們在談話時，我們已經在發展自己的回應。

Especially conflict, something will trigger you, you stop listening, you start thinking, "How can I prove that I'm right?"

尤其是衝突，有些事情會觸發你，你停止傾聽，你開始思考：「我怎麼能證明我是對的？」

Or that "I'm smarter than you."

或說「我比你聰明」。

So communicators listen to understand not respond.

所以溝通者傾聽是為了理解而不是回應。

They approached the conversation with curiosity, genuinely interested, so they can learn.

他們帶著好奇和真正的興趣來進行對話，這樣他們就可以學習。

So really they're super learners, super listeners.

所以他們確實是超級學習者、超級傾聽者。

So good. You know who's, to me, is like the poster child for that. It's Harry Smith.

很棒。 你知道，對我來說，誰就是這方面的典型代表。 這是哈利史密斯。

Like if you go up to him and you have a conversation with him he's just listening. He's not trying to have a response.

就像如果你走到他跟前與他交談，他只是在聽。 他並不試圖做出回應。

But anyway, speaking of response I think this is interesting.

但無論如何，說到回應，我認為這很有趣。

You say you have to know what kind of conversation you're having. - Yes.

你說你必須知道你正在進行什麼樣的對話。 - 是的。

What do you mean by that?

你是什​​麼意思？

Because not all conversations need the same response, and you can kind of break them up into these three groups.

因為並非所有對話都需要相同的回應，你可以將它們分成這三組。

They're social. That's anything from office gossip to what your family does, your values.

社交行的對話。 從辦公室八卦到你的家人所做的事情、你的價值觀，這類的。

A lot of times that has to do with our identity, how we see the world, how others see us.

很多時候，這與我們的身分、我們如何看待世界、別人如何看待我們有關。

Just know you may have a difference in perspective in those types of conversations.

只要知道你在這些類型的對話中可能有不同的觀點。

Emotional.

情感上的對話。

This is when someone comes to you and says I've had such a stressful day or things with my kids are so stressful. They are not asking for your advice first, and we're quick to give it.

這時有人來找你，說我這一天壓力很大，或是我和孩子們的事情壓力很大。 他們不是想先徵求你的建議，但我們很快就會給予建議。

They want empathy.

他們想要的是同理心。

"Gosh that must have been really frustrating for you," or "I'm so sorry that you're going through that."

「天哪，這一定讓你非常沮喪」，或者「我很抱歉讓你經歷這一切。」

If you can do that, they feel heard and understood, and then they will hear you.

如果你能做到這一點，他們會感到被傾聽和被理解，然後他們就會聽到你的聲音。

And then practical. That's advice-giving.

然後實用型對話。 這就是給建議。

We're trying to solve problems. They're asking you for your feedback, be ready to share something in that conversation.

我們正在努力解決問題。 他們正在徵求你的回饋，請準備好在對話中分享一些內容。

Okay, so when it comes to listening, when we're in a conversation, how can we prove to that person, "All right, I'm receiving what you're saying and I hear it"?

好的，那麼說到傾聽，當我們在談話時，我們如何向那個人證明，「好吧，我正在接收你所說的內容，我聽到了」？

And this is especially important in conflict but in any conversation.

這在衝突中尤其重要，但在任何對話中也都很重要。

First of all, I can ask you, "So how did your kids like the eclipse?"

首先，我可以問你：「你的孩子喜歡這次日食嗎？」

Do you want to answer? - Yeah

你要我回答嗎？- 對啊。

They loved it.

他們很愛。

They loved it, so as you told me before, you know, you said they're curious for information and they can handle the facts.

他們喜歡它，所以正如你之前告訴我的，你說他們對資訊感到好奇並且能夠處理事實。

So what I just did was I repeated back to you in my own words what you said to show you that I was listening.

所以我剛才所做的就是用我自己的話向你重複你所說的話，以表明我在聽。

And then you can also ask if it's a lot of material, "Did I get that right?"

然後你也可以問是否有很多材料「我說對了嗎？」

So that gives them a chance to clarify.

這給了他們澄清的機會。

You maintain, Niro, that it's also very important how we ask questions and to not interrupt while we're getting the answer. Why is that so important?

Niro，你認為我們提出問題的方式以及在我們得到答案時不要打斷也非常重要。 為什麼這麼重要？

Because when you are interrupting, it communicates to the person what they have to say is not important.

因為當你打斷時，這會告訴對方他們所說的話並不重要。

This is hard 'cause some people are just interrupters, but ask deep questions to get to know people.

這很難，因為有些人就是愛打斷別人講話，但提出深入的問題來了解別人。

"Why?" You know, "What led you to become a journalist?"

「為什麼？」 「是什麼促使你成為記者？」

Not just "what do you do?"

而不是只有「你做什麼的？」

"What do you love about your job?"

「你熱愛你的工作的什麼地方？」

And even the why question can be paralyzing, so remember this for your teenagers.

即使是「為什麼」的問題也可能會讓人不知所措，所以請記住這一點。

Ask "What made you think that?"

問「是什麼讓你有這樣的想法？」

"What made you do that?"

「是什麼讓你做這件事？」

Because I found as the therapist, they think outside of themselves and then they can find an answer.

因為我發現身為治療師，他們會在自己之外思考，然後才能找到答案。

So not like, "Why did you... " It's like "What made you...? What made you...?"

所以不要問「你為什麼…」而是「是什麼讓你…？是什麼讓你…？」

That's good. -Stop interrupting.

很棒。- 別再打斷了。

I know. That's good.

我知道。很棒。

Niro, thank you so much.

Niro，非常感謝你。