Pick a guy that's easy going and one that you like because you can't change them.

請挑一個隨和且你喜歡的人，因為你無法改變他們。

I don't know if anybody's ever told you that, but they're going to stay the way you meet them for their whole life.

我不知道是否有人告訴過你這一點，但他們一輩子都會保持你見到他們的樣子。

And in fact, they might even get worse.

事實上他們甚至會變得更糟。

And people get upset with me.

而人們卻對我耿耿於懷。

They go, "Don't say that Monique."

他們說：「別這麼說，Monique。」

I'm going to say it three times for each one of my failed marriages.

我要為了我每一次失敗的婚姻說三遍。

You can't change a man, you can't change a man, you can't change a man.

你無法改變一個人、你無法改變一個人、你無法改變一個人。

Why?

為什麼？

Because they're in their simplest form.

因為他們是最簡單的形式。

It's like bending a rock. Okay?

就像彎石頭一樣，好嗎？

Element 119 on the elemental table, man.

元素表上的第 119 號元素：男人。

I'm going to tell you some things.

我要告訴你一些事情。

And the men are not upset.

而男人們並不會生氣。

Look, he's applauding.

看，他在鼓掌。

This guy's happy.

這傢伙很開心。

He's like, thank you.

他說，謝謝你。

If you operate under the premise that men are simple and delusional and women are crazy and complicated, your life gets instantly good.

如果你是在「男人簡單而妄想，女人瘋狂而複雜」的邏輯下思考，你的生活就會立刻變得美好。

It's biblical.

這是聖經。

The truth will set you free.

真相會讓你自由。

Watch this, watch this.

你們自己看。

Exhibit A.

證據 A：

Sir, are you offended by me saying you're simple?

先生，你是否因為我說你簡單而感覺被冒犯了？

No.

不會。

No, he's delighted. Did you see the look on his face?

不會，他很高興。你看到他臉上的表情了嗎？

Because he wants her to understand and quit nagging him.

因為他想讓她明白別再嘮叨了。

He's like, finally, someone on my side.

他心想終於有人站在我這邊了。

It's true.

這是真的。

Quit laughing, I don't have a lot of time.

別笑了，我時間不多。

I want to help her because I've made mistakes and I'm taking ownership of them.

我想幫助她，因為我犯了錯，我將承擔責任 的。

I'm going to tell you how we ruin things as women because we overthink.

我要告訴你作為女人，我們是如何因為想太多毀掉一切。

We think too much and we overthink things.

我們想得太多了。

That's why we get crazy.

這就是我們變得瘋狂的原因。

And I'm going to explain it to you.

我要向你解釋一下。

I'm not a scientist, but I think the ratio of thought to speech with a woman is 15 to 1.

我不是科學家，但我認為與女人的思想與講話的比例是15比1。

We wake up in the morning, we flip on the turbines, and it's go time.

我們早上醒來，打開渦輪機，就開始思考了。

Every time a woman utters a sentence, for one sentence, there's 15 potentials spinning around at a high speed, picking up houses and cars and causing chaos.

每當一個女人說出一句話，就會有15個潛在的念頭高速旋轉，捲起房屋和汽車，造成混亂。

And it's hard to think that much and not have it go to a dark place.

思考這麼多而不讓它走向黑暗的地方是很難的。

You're going to freak yourself out by breakfast.

你會在早餐前嚇壞自己的。

In fact, guys, I'm going to confirm one of your worst fears, women plan preemptive strikes against you for stuff you haven't even done yet.

事實上，各位，我要確認你們最糟糕的恐懼之一，女人會提前計劃對你們進行攻擊，針對你們還沒做過的事情。

You're just watching a ball game, and she's saying, "Oh, yeah, if he does this, I'm going to do that. I'm going to get even with him. He is not getting away with that.

你只是在看球賽，而她卻說：「哦，是的，如果他這樣做，我就會那樣做。我會報復他的。他不能逃脫。」

And you're just minding your own business. Alright?

而你只是在做你自己的事情。

Women get upset.

女人會生氣。

They go, "Monique, you make it sound like we should lower our standards when it comes to our men."

他們說：「Monique，你說得好像好像我們應該降低標準，當事情有關我們的男人時。」

No, don't lower your standards, lose them altogether. Okay?

不，不要降低標準，不要任何標準。好嗎？

If you learn nothing else from this show.

如果你從這個節目中學到了其他任何事情。

And the men are not offended, they're delighted.Okay?

而且男人不感到冒犯，他們感到高興。對吧？

Because they're like, oh, she understands us.

因為他們心想：「哦，她理解我們。」

Because the ratio of thought to speech with the man is 0.5 to 1.

因為男人思想和言語的比例是0.5比1。

Every time a man utters a sentence, half the words have escaped his lips unchecked, unfiltered, unthought about.

每當一個男人說出一句話時，一半的詞語都是未經過濾、未經思考的，從他的嘴中講出來的。

They just get out like little invisible paint balls pelting and annoying the women around him.

他們就像看不見的小彩彈一樣出去，不斷地投擲並惹惱他周圍的女人。

What I call DDS, Dumb Dude Statements.

我稱之為 DDS，蠢貨發言。

Watch this.

你們看，

Have you ever said something stupid?

你說過蠢話嗎？

What?

什麼？

See? See? See?

看到了嗎？看到了嗎？ 看到了嗎？

Perfection.

完美。

It's not your fault, you were designed that way.

這不是你的錯，你就是被設計成這樣的。

You're not designed to think complicated, convoluted, sensitive thoughts.

你不是被設計來思考複雜、繁瑣、敏感的想法。

You're designed to spring up from behind a rock, kill stuff, and drag it home.

你被設計成從岩石後面跳出來，殺死東西，然後把它拖回家。

That's your gig.

這就是你的工作。

And if women understood that, they'd be so much happier.

如果女性能夠理解這一點他們會開心得多。

I wish somebody would have told me.

我希望以前有人告訴過我。

I wish I would have had a me when I was a you, but I'm telling you.

我希望當我還是你的時候有個我能告訴我這些事，但我現在告訴你。

Go out and live your life, sweet girl.

走出去，過自己的生活，可愛的女孩

You know why?

你知道為什麼嗎？

Because the man in your life who loves you will not be paying attention to you.

因為你生命中愛你的男人不會注意你。

He just won't.

他就是不願意。

They live in their own little worlds.

他們生活在他們自己的小世界裡。

So just go out and have a good time.

所以你就出去玩玩吧。

If you're going to do something, do it for you. Alright?

如果你要做某件事，就為你做。 好吧？

Because the one thing men really hate is when you do something for them that they didn't ask you to do.

因為男人真正討厭的一件事就是你為他們做一些他們沒有要求你做的事情。

And then get upset with them because they didn't celebrate your little accomplishment.

然後對他們感到不滿，因為他們沒有慶祝你的小成就。

I saw this a lot during COVID.

我在 COVID 期間經常看到這種情況。

My friends had free time, so they were redoing their houses, all their little DIY projects, binge watching all their little shows on HGTV.

我的朋友們有空閒時間，所以他們要重新裝修房子，他們 DIY 一些小東西，瘋狂追 HGTV 上的劇。

And the man, he's just in the living room minding his own business, watching Tiger King for the third time.

而那個男人，他就在客廳裡在房間裡忙著自己的事情，看第三遍的《虎王》 。

The woman comes over.

那個女人走了過來。

"Come here, come here, come here, come here."

「過來，過來，過來這裡。」

And when you say to a man "come here, come here" and you don't tell him why, he's nervous. "Why? What?"

當你對一個男人說「過來，過來」卻不告訴他原因，他會很緊張，心想「為什麼？ 什麼？」

You go, "Come here. Come to the bathroom, come to the bathroom."

你說：「過來，到廁所來，來廁所。」

Now he's thinking, "I am in a big room comfortable, and you want me to follow you to the bathroom. It's a small room. It's a trap."

現在他在想：「我在一個大房間裡，很舒服，你想讓我跟著你去廁所，那裡很小，這是一個陷阱。 」

And you're all excited because you redid the whole thing with $65 and a glue gun.

你們都很興奮，因為你們用 65 美元和一把膠槍重新完成了整個事情。

You are thrilled.

你太激動了。

But he's not going to notice the redo.

但他不會注意到你重做的地方。

You know why?

你知道為什麼嗎？

Because he's afraid because he doesn't know why he's there.

因為他害怕，因為他不知道他為什麼在那裡。

And you stand in the middle of the bathroom, you go, "Ta-da, what do you think?"

你站在浴室中間，你說：「塔達，你覺得怎麼樣？」

Now, I don't know what the man is thinking because I'm not a man, but I'm pretty sure I know what the man is not thinking.

現在，我不知道男人在想什麼，因為我不是男人，但我很確定我知道他沒有在想什麼。

He's not thinking, "Oh, sweetheart, that border is so straight.

他絕對不會想說：「哦，親愛的，這個邊界好直，

And the way you did that rag roll, and that carpet pulls it together. This bathroom is beautiful. I love it.

你捲那條抹布的方式，還有那張地毯，把它們結合在一起。這個浴室真美。我喜歡它。

I'm going to take Metamucil right now.

我現在要服用美達施。（Metamucil是一種瀉藥）

I want to have a long sit down in this beautiful bathroom."

我想長長地坐下來在這間漂亮的浴室裡。 」

No, that is not what the man is thinking.

不，這不是那男人沒有在想這個。

The man is thinking, "I know I can't use those little soaps. That much I know.

他在想：「我知道我不能使用那些小肥皂，我就知道這麼多。

But what towel can I dry my butt off with without getting murdered? I need to know."

但是用什麼毛巾擦屁股才不會被殺呢？ 我需要知道。」

And the woman has her feelings hurt.

這位女士的感情受到了傷害。

Just live your life.

過好自己的生活。

Because I'm going to tell you something.

因為我要告訴你，

If you want a man to love you forever and ever and ever and ever, listen to the woman who's been divorced three times.

如果你想要一個男人愛你直到永遠，聽聽這位離過三次婚的女人的建議。

You want him to love you forever, don't talk to him.

你希望他永遠愛你就別對他說話。

I didn't say don't talk with him, I just said don't talk to him.

我沒說不要和他說話，我只是說不要對他說話。

Men will tell you when they have something to say because they are task-oriented.

當男人有話要說時，他們會告訴你，因為他們是以任務為導向的。

When a man talks to a woman, he has something in mind, a beginning, a middle, an end.

當一個男人和一個女人說話時，他腦子裡有一些東西，一個開始，一個過程，一個結束。

My work here is done.

我在這裡的工作結束了。

Something has been accomplished.

有所成就。

Women are drunk drivers on the information highway.

女性是資訊高速公路上的醉酒司機。

We don't have to have a point. We just talk. We just talk.

我們不一定要有觀點。我們只是講話。

Because that 15 to 1 is creating pressure behind our eyes.

因為 15 比 1 給我們的眼睛造成了壓力。

See, we have to talk.

我們必須講話

They don't.

他們不是。

They got a lot of room in there. They're very comfortable.

他們有很大的空間，非常舒適。

I wish these were jokes, I really do.

我真希望這些都是笑話，真的。

But I like this kid. I like her a lot. She's got a good vibe. I want to help her out.

但我喜歡這孩子。我很喜歡她。 她的氣場很好。 我想幫她一把。

That's true.

沒錯。

I'm going to tell you a little something, these people married for years.

我要告訴你，這些結婚多年的人。

How many people have been married for years and years and years?

有多少人結過很多年了？

I love that.

我喜歡。

Let's take it next level because I am hopeful I'm going to meet a nice person soon, and then I'm going to live happily ever after.

讓我們更進一步吧，因為我希望很快就能遇到一個好人，然後我就能幸福地生活了。

I'm 59 years old, one month, three weeks, two days.

我今年 59 歲又一個月、三週、兩天。

So if I want to reach a 40th anniversary, I got to meet him in like a week. Okay?

如果我想過 40 週年紀念日， 我得在一週內找到另一半。

And I got to continue to take care of myself.

我必須繼續照顧我自己。

That's why I went pescaterian, for my future husband.

這就是為什麼我為了我未來的丈夫而吃魚素。

I've even got a name for him, Larry.

我甚至給他取了個名字，Larry。

We'll talk about him in a minute.

我們一會兒再談他。

We'll talk about the Larry bear in a minute.

我們來談談巢賴瑞熊熊。

So seriously, I'm going to tell you ladies something you don't want to hear.

說真的，女士們，我要告訴你們一些你們不想聽的事。

When you ask your husband a question, your husband is not thinking of the answer to that question.

當你問你先生一個問題時，你先生並沒有思考這個問題的答案。

Your husband is thinking, "What can I say that will shut this down?

你丈夫在想：「該說什麼結束這話題呢？

I don't want her mad, I just want her gone.

我不想讓她生氣，我只想讓她離開。

It's early. I'm not ready to engage. I haven't had enough coffee. She's coming in hot."

現在還早。我還沒準備好參與。我還沒喝夠咖啡，她就來勢洶洶 。」

I got news for you.

我有個消息要告訴你，

Any time you're walking towards a man quickly, the man, "You're coming in hot."

每當你快速走向一個男人時，那個男人都會說：「你來勢洶洶。」

It's true. This is the time of year where we want them to get involved.

這是真的。每年這個時候，我們希望他們參與。

Because we care.

因為我們在乎。

Women care about the holidays and family and they don't.

女性關注節日和家人，但他們沒有。

Don't take it personal.

別往心裡去。

When you ask a man, 'How do you want me to decorate the house?"

當你問一個男人：「你想讓我怎樣裝飾房子？」

You know what the man wants to say?

你知道他想說什麼嗎？

"Quietly.

「安靜地，

How about not at all? How about you quit spending money and moving stuff around?

完全不裝飾如何？不如你別再花錢並把東西搬來搬去？

Not that many people are coming over these days anyway, and I like this couch. It's worn out, but it's comfortable. I like this couch.

反正現在來的人不多了。 我喜歡這張沙發。 雖然破舊，但很舒適。 我喜歡這張沙發。

As long as we're talking, stay out of my underwear drawer. I'm a grown man.

只要我們還在說話別碰我的內衣抽屜，我是個成年人，

I know when I need new ones. I don't mind the holes. They're ventilation.

我知道什麼時候需要買新的。我不介意這些洞。 它們很通風。

It takes a long time to get them this soft.

要花很長時間才能變這麼柔軟。

Why are you asking me questions anyway?

你幹嘛問我問題？

You do whatever you want."

反正你還是會照你想做的去做。

But they know they can't say any of that.

但他們知道自己不能說任何這些。

So they just sit there.

所以他們就坐在那裡。

But I know this now.

但我現在知道了。

I know this.

我知道這一點。

I'm going to get it right next time.

下次我一定要做對。

I'm so excited about Larry.

Larry 讓我很興奮。

Because when I meet somebody, and I'm very hopeful that now that I'm getting out and whatnot, that I'll meet a nice age-appropriate man.

因為當我遇到某人時，我非常希望現在我要出去等等，我會遇到一個適合年齡的好男人。

I know that men don't have age-appropriate, they have prison, no prison, but I would like to meet a man close to my age because prior to the Rona, I was dating little dudes.

我知道男人沒有適合年齡的標準，只是監獄跟不是監獄的差別，但我想見一個與我年齡相近的男人，因為在羅納之前，我正在和弟弟約會。

I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't, but they'd ask me out.

我不是故意的。我沒有，但他們會約我出去。

I'm like catnip to them or something.

我對他們來說就像貓薄荷什麼的。

I've tried perfume, Febreze, or some smell.

我試過香水、Febreze，或一些氣味。

It's a desperate cougar smell or something. I don't know.

這可能是一種絕望的美洲獅氣味什麼的。 我不知道。

I don't know what it is.

我不知道那是什麼。

But they come up to me after the show and they'd be like, "Hey, comedy girl. Would you like to go out for a coffee or something?"

但演出結束後他們來找我，他們會說：「嘿，喜劇女孩。你想去喝杯咖啡什麼的嗎？」

I'd be like, "How old are you, little dude?"

我說：「你多大了，小弟弟？」

They're like, "28."

他們說：「28。」

"I have a sweater older than you."

「我有一件毛衣都比你還老。」

No, I do. I do it's an Adrian Bernardini.

不，真的。我有一件 Adrian Bernardini。

I took the shoulder pads out, but I wear it. It's...

我把護肩拿了出來，但我會穿。