Parents always tell their kids the same things.

父母總是告訴他們的孩子同樣的事情。

Parents always say, "Finish your food, because there are starving children in Africa."

父母總是：「把飯吃完，因為非洲有餓著的孩子。」

How come parents never say the other way around?

爲什麽父母從來不說反過來呢？

"Don't finish your food, because there are fat kids in America."

「不要把飯吃完，因為美國有胖孩子。」

Another thing parents tell their kids--I heard this guy telling his son,

父母告訴孩子的另一件事——我聽到一個人告訴他的兒子，

"Don't tell lies, or your nose will grow longer."

「不要說謊，否則你的鼻子會變長。」

I'm like, wow, that guy just taought his kid not to lie by lying to him.

我就想，哇，那傢伙通過對他說謊來教他的孩子不要說謊。

That's some Inception shit.

這有點像《全面啟動》。

And parents say these things, they think their kids will just believe it.

父母說這些話，他們以爲孩子會相信。

But kids these days are not that innocent.

但現在的孩子並不那麽天真。

For example, the other day, my 5-year-old niece asked her dad, "Where do babies come from?"

例如，有一天，我5歲的侄女問她爸爸：「寶寶從哪裡來？」

And her dad just said, "Babies come from Heaven."

她爸爸就說：「寶寶來自天堂。」

But my 5-year-old niece, she goes and Googles this stuff,

但是我5歲的侄女，她去查了這些東西，

and then she sends me this text message: "OMG... My dad is a moron.

然後她傳了一條簡訊給我，寫說：「天哪……我爸是個笨蛋。

"He doesn't even know about sex. That means he's not my real dad."

他甚至不懂性。這代表他不是我真正的爸爸。」

I got the message, I'm like, "Oh, no, should I tell her the truth?"

我收到了這條訊息，我就想：「哦，不，我應該告訴她真相嗎？」

And then I thought -- you know what, I'm not her dad. It's not my job to teach her these things.

然後我想——管他的，我不是她的爸爸。教她這些事情不是我的工作。

In fact, my job is to be a comedian, so I just texted back,

事實上，我的工作是當一個喜劇演員，所以我只是回她，

"Yes, you're adopted."

「是的，你是被領養的。」

And then she had to Google that.

然後她又得去查了。

But I also had awkward situations growing up.

但我在成長過程中也遇到了尷尬的情況。

When I was 15 years old, my friend gave me condoms, just as a prank.

當我15歲時，我的朋友給了我保險套，只是為了開開玩笑。

But I put the condoms aside because I was only 15.

但我把保險套放在一邊，因為我只有15歲。

And we Chinese guys, we don't hit puberty until we're 29.

而且我們華人男孩直到29歲才開始青春期。

But at 15 years old, me and my friends were learning karate from my friend Mike.

但15歲時，我和我的朋友們向我的朋友麥克學習空手道。

Mike was a black belt in Karate.

麥克是空手道黑帶。

The rest of us learning from him were beginner yellow belt.

我們其他跟他學的都是黃帶初學者。

Because it was an informal class, we didn't have the colors in between.

因為這是一個非正式的課程，所以我們沒有中間的顏色。

So those karate sessions were kinda like a Wiz khalifa rap song.

所以那些空手道課程有點像 Wiz khalifa 的饒舌歌曲。

Black and yellow, black and yellow.

黑與黃，黑與黃。

So I was learning karate, but my mom can be over-protective.

所以我學習空手道，但我媽媽可能過度保護。

So I didn't tell my mom I was doing karate.

所以我沒有告訴媽媽我在練空手道。

And then one day my mom, she finds the condoms.

然後有一天，我媽媽發現了保險套。

So my mom came up to me and said, "Boy, I found your protection.... Have you been doing it?"

於是我媽媽對我說：「孩子，我找到了你的保護裝置了……你一直在做這件事嗎？」

Now, I didn't know she was talking about condoms. I thought she found my groin protector for karate.

我不知道她在說保險套。 我以為她找到我的空手道護檔了。

So I said, "Yes, Mom... I do it after school every day."

於是我說：「是的，媽媽……我每天放學後都會做。」

"Oh, Mom, you should come and watch."

「媽媽，你也來看看吧。」

"I can show you some of my moves."

「我可以給你看看我學的幾個招式。」

My mom's like, "What? You're too young to do stuff like this."

我媽媽說：「什麼？你還太年輕，不能做這樣的事情。」

"I'm not too young... Mike has been doing it since he was ten years old."

「我沒有年紀太小啊……麥克從十歲起就開始這麼做了。」

"And he had to pay to do it."

「他還得付錢。」

"I get to do it for free."

「我不用花半毛錢。」

My mom is shocked. She's like, "Who's your partner?"

我媽很震驚，他說：「你的對象是誰？」

"I don't have a regular partner."

「我沒有固定的對象。」

"We swap partners."

「我們會交換對象。」

Now my mom's really freaking out. "How many girls have you done this with?"

我媽真的嚇壞了。「你跟幾個女生做過了？」

"What girls?"

「什麼女生？」

"I do it with guys."

「我是跟男生做的。」

"Most of them are yellow, but one of them is black."

「他們大多數是黃種人/黃帶，但其中一個是黑人/黑帶。」