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  • There are many things that might disrupt the mood of a promising early date: a sudden discovery

  • of a maddening political opinion, a grating laugh, poor dental hygiene, an unfortunate

  • choice of top.

  • But there is a far more perplexing and, superficially at least, paradoxical kind of distaste that

  • might abruptly arise.

  • One might want to take leave of a companion - and even rush outdoors to vomit - not because

  • they are crude, dim or nasty but because they have revealed themselves to be undeniably

  • and conspicuously nice.

  • Why might kindness be so hard to bear?

  • Why should warmth prove - on occasion - comprehensively repulsive?

  • Why might nausea descend in the face of emotional maturity?

  • Because, through no fault of our own, our whole character may have been built up around

  • the need to cope well with not being given what we want; with not finding intimate satisfaction,

  • with not being the recipient of anyone’s reliable kindness, with being foiled in our

  • search for tenderness and sympathy.

  • As people with an allergic response to warmheartedness, somewhere in our past, we are liable to have

  • experienced severe letdown, against which we had to insulate ourselves with a plethora

  • of clever defensive strategies.

  • We learnt to always reject before we were rejected; we learnt not to get taken in by

  • anyone’s honeyed words, we firmly exchanged hope for cynicism and vulnerability for impregnability.

  • No wonder then that a kind soul might come across as extremely threatening.

  • The nausea we feel in their presence isn’t so much disgust as fear; the fear that we

  • may have to shed our defences in the name of trusting that life may not going forward

  • have to be as cold, isolated, and frightening as it evidently once was.

  • We hear so often of the difficulties of emotional misery; they may be as nothing next to the

  • challenges of emotional contentment, the challenge of having to unclench our suspicions and give

  • up on our reserves of fear and disdain.

  • The real risk of dating isn’t that our partners will be awful (there’s no end of fun to

  • be had turning minor disasters into dark wit), but that once in a while, they may be unblemished

  • and sweet.

  • Anyone can bear love that fails; it takes a very fortunate and secure childhood to countenance

  • that it might in fact work out.

  • It can be so tempting to accuse a kind candidate of something - to call themboringor

  • soppyor to make an acid remark about their way of stepping through a door or asking

  • for more ice.

  • We should have sufficient insight into our own difficult trajectories to put a finger

  • more accurately on the true sources of our discomfort: that these unfortunates are in

  • danger of not making us suffer in the way we have grown up expecting that we will have

  • to suffer in order to feel we are in love.

  • We reject not out of meanness, but because we have had so little experience of kindness.

  • The next time the ick of kindness descends, we might dare to turn it away in the name

  • of starting out on what might turn out to be the greatest adventure of our lives: a

  • belief in the possibility of contentment and closeness.

There are many things that might disrupt the mood of a promising early date: a sudden discovery


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Why Nice People Repel Us

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    VoiceTube staff 發佈於 2024 年 03 月 30 日