Ain't that fucked up?

這不是很糟糕嗎？

They try to take away your scoop scoops.

他們試圖搶走你墮胎的權利。

It's unbelievable.

真是難以置信。

I just wanna let you all know right now, ladies.

我現在就想告訴你們，女士們。

I am with you. I think is your body, your choice.

我同意你的觀點，我認為這是你的身體，你自己的選擇。

I agree with you on that.

我認同你們。

100%.

100%。

I agree with you when you say that men should have no say in the decisions you make with your bodies.

我同意你們說男人不應該對你對自己的身體所做的決定有發言權。

Those are your decisions to make and yours alone.

這是你自己的決定，只有你自己才能做出。

And I feel that way because at the end of the day when we all go up to heaven and God's like, "Why are y'all killing babies?"

我有這種感覺，是因為最終當我們都上天堂時，上帝會問：「你們為什麼要殺害嬰兒？」

We're gonna be like, "Y'all?"

我們會說：「我們？」

"I think they were very clear whose decision this was, God.

「我認為他們非常清楚這是誰的決定，上帝。

Looks like you need to pay for your sins, babe."

看來你們需要為你們的罪付出代價了，寶貝。”

Even though I pay for your sins.

儘管你的罪孽是我付錢的。

Come on, y'all. Chivalry ain't dead to that baby as you know the rules.

拜託，各位。騎士精神也適用在那孩子身上，你知道規則的。

Oh man.

哦，天哪。

Yeah, abortion. Abortion, abortion, abortion, man. It's a tricky one.

是啊，墮胎，墮胎，墮胎。這是個棘手的議題。

When I was living in my old place in New York, I lived down the block from an abortion clinic.

當我住在紐約以前房子裡時，我就住在離墮胎診所不遠的街區。

And location, location, location.

地點、地點、地點。

And no bullshit, that's the wildest place in New York.

不瞎扯，那是紐約最瘋狂的地方。

Like it's a fucking carnival outside of there every single day.

外面每天都是他媽的狂歡節一樣。

Like people come to New York and they go to like Broadway plays and shit.

大家來到紐約會去看百老匯戲劇之類的東西。

They literally spend thousands of dollars to watch Harry Potter the musical when they could just stand outside the clinic and watch something really disappear.

他們花幾千美元去看《哈利波特》音樂劇，而他們本可以站在診所外面看一些真正會消失的把戲。

Fetus deletus.

胎兒消滅。

I remember one time I was walking by the clinic and I saw a father and his daughter outside, and his daughter looked like she was 10 years old.

我記得有一次我路過診所，看到外面有一對父女，他的女兒看上去已經 10 歲了。

Now, I don't want to divide the crowd politically here.

我不想在政治議題上分裂人群。

But for me, that's a little late.

但對我來說，這有點晚了。

This is just me.

這只是我的想法。

I'm not putting my views on you, but personally, I think a fetus becomes a life around the third grade.

我不是把我的觀點強加給你，但我個人認為，胎兒在三年級左右就會成為一個生命。

I think that's a life.

我認為她已經是個生命了。

I do believe that's a life.

我相信她已經是個生命了。

OK?

行嗎？

Maybe we could roll it back a few years from there.

也許我們把時光倒退幾年。

But definitely, if you could spell abortion, we don't abort you.

但可以肯定的是，如果你會拼「墮胎」兩個字，就不會把你墮胎。

That's just the rule that I have in my book. OK?

這是我的規則。好嗎？

So naturally, I'm like, "Yo, I gotta save this girl's life."

所以我很自然地想：「喲，我得救這個女孩的命。」

I walk over, I get a little closer.

我走過去，靠近一點。

Turns out he wasn't aborting his daughter. Thank God.

原來，他並沒有要墮掉自己的女兒。感謝上帝。

What he was actually doing was protesting the abortion clinic and I've never seen this shit before in real life.

他實際上是在抗議墮胎診所，我在現實生活中從沒見過這種事。

It was crazy like he's like heckling these girls as they go in. You know, he's just screaming out threre, "You're gonna burn in hell."

這太瘋狂了，他在這些女孩走進診所時飆罵她們。他在外面吼著：「你們會在地獄裡被燒死。」

And these girls are so New York about it. They're like, "I just have chlamydia, you pussy.

這些女孩的回應很紐約。他們說：「我只是披衣菌感染，你個白癡。

Burn in hell? I'm burning now. That's why I'm going to the fucking clinic."

在地獄燃燒？我下面已經燃燒了。 所以我才要去該死的診所。」

So I'm watching this go down and I'm torn, right?

所以我看著這一切發生，我很糾結，對嗎？

Because naturally as a man, I want to protect these women, right?

因為作為一個男人，我自然想要保護這些女人，對嗎？

But as a comic, I love a roast, right?

但作為一個喜劇演員，我愛嗆聲。

So like, how do I fit in this shit?

那麼，我該講什麼適合的笑話呢？

And then all of a sudden this UPS employee walks into the clinic and I had to. I had to.

然後突然有個UPS員工走進診所，我一定得說出來。

"At least someone wants to deliver."

「至少還人想要 deliver（生產/送快遞）。」

It was the right thing to say, guys.

這是當時最該說的一句話了，各位。

He got in on it, he was like, "Same day." It was unbelievable, bro.

那個快遞員也參與我的笑話，他說：「當日送達。」簡直難以置信，兄弟。

Chemistry was there. Chemistry was there.

這起了化學反應。

So I'm standing outside a clinic, right next to this dude who was like very passionate about abortion.

我站在這家診所外面，就在對墮胎這議題很熱衷的人旁邊。

I realized I've never spoken to one of these guys before.

我意識到，我以前從未和這些人說過話。

So I'm like, I just gotta talk to him.

所以我就想，我得跟他談談。

So I went up to him and I was like, "Hey man, I don't wanna interrupt your old take-your-daughter-to-work day.

於是我走過去對他說：「嘿，夥計，我不想打擾你帶著女兒上班。

I think, I think it's great (that) you wanna spend time with your family.

我覺得，我覺得你想和家人在一起這很好。

Obviously, not everybody here gets that."

顯然，這裡不是每個人都明白這一點。」

I go, "Buddy. I just got to know why are you so against abortion?"

我說：「兄弟，我只想知道，你為什麼如此反對墮胎？」

And the guy looks at me, he goes, "I'll tell you what changed it all for me. It's these new sonograms."

那傢伙看著我，說：「我來告訴你是什麼改變了我所有看法。是這些新的超音波。」

Thank God, a few of you guys said, "What?"

感謝上帝，你們有幾個人說：「什麼？」

We're idiots. I didn't even know they upgraded the sonograms.

我們是白痴。我都不知道超音波升級了。

They completely changed the sonograms.

他們徹底改變了超音波。

It's not like the back in the day shit to look at you and pay your cable. Remember those?

這可不像以前那樣看著你然後付電報費。 還記得那些嗎？

Remember the black paper with the gray clouds on it?

還記得上面有灰色雲朵的黑紙嗎？

Those were abortation.

那些寶寶可以被墮掉。

Let's just be honest, right?

實話實說，對吧？

Like doctor hand you that shit like a sketch.

醫生把那像素描的超音波地給你，

You like, "Not today. See you later, kiddo."

你說：「我不會改變心意的。之後再見了孩子。」

But the new ones are HD, 4D, not 3D, 4D.

但新的是高清、4D，不是 3D，是4D。

You could hear the baby like, "Keep me. I'm here. What are you doing out there? That's not where you hang a shirt."

你能聽到嬰兒說：「把我留下來。我在裡面！你在外面幹什麼？ 那不是掛襯衫的地方。」（衣架墮胎）

So I'm looking at these images, right?

所以我在看這些圖片，對嗎？

And I'm like, "Man, this is visceral. This is hard to, this is hard to disagree with."

我就說：「兄弟，這太感人肺腑了。這很難讓人不同意。」

And then I noticed all the images he's showing me are from much later on in the pregnancy.

然後我發現他給我看的所有圖片都是懷孕後期的。

So I was like, "Hold up, hold up, hold up. What about early on?"

所以我就說：「等一下，等一下，等一下。孕期初期的呢？」

He goes, "I don't care. It's killing a baby."

他說：「我不在乎。這就是在殺死一個嬰兒。」

I'm like, "But bro, it's not even a baby yet."

我就說：「可是兄弟，它還不是個嬰兒啊。」

He goes, "Yeah. But if you leave it there, it's gonna grow into a baby. So it's a baby."

他說：「但如果你把它留在那裡，它就會長成一個嬰兒。 所以就是個嬰兒。」

And I was like, "You know what? Your daughter's fucking hot, bro."

我說：「你知道嗎？你女兒真他媽辣，兄弟。」

This guy loses his fucking mind.

這傢伙失去了理智。

"What the fuck you mean my daughter's hot. She's 10 years old. What the hell is wrong with you?"

「你他媽什麼意思說我女兒很辣？我女兒才已經 10 歲。你到底有什麼毛病？」

I'm like, "Yeah, but if we leave her there. She gonna grow into a woman, pops and we pedophiles are pro-life. You decide."

我說：「對，但如果我們讓她留下來，她會長成一個女人，老爹。我們戀童僻都是反墮胎的，你自己決定囉。」