I got to get my wife something good.

我得給我妻子買點好東西。

Oh, hey, you wanna go in on something?

哦，嘿嘿，你想加入嗎？

"This is from me and three women from Utah. There you go."

「這是我和猶他州的三位女士為你準備的。給你。」

I took her bungee jumping last year.

去年我帶她去高空彈跳。

That's what she really wanted to do. Bungee jumping and... anybody done it?

那是她最想做的事。有人跳過嗎？

Anybody done bungee jumping?

有人嘗試過高空彈跳嗎？

Have you done it?

你有嗎？

Really?

真的嗎？

Good for you.

你真棒。

Good for you.

你真棒。

You're brave, good for you.

你很勇敢，很好。

How far did you bunge?

你跳了多遠？

You don't even know?

你根本不知道？

I think that'd be the first thing I'd find out.

是我的話這會是我我首先要弄清楚的事情。

"How far to the ground? And how far is the rope?"

「離地面有多遠？繩子有多長？」

Ok.

好的。

Gotta just checked into it a little bit more, I think.

我覺得肯定要多確認一下。

But, well, good for you.

不過，你很棒。

What did you jump off of? What was it?

你從什麼上面跳下來的？是什麼？

O.T. Tower?

O.T. Tower？

Yeah, that sounds like they've got all their insurance paperwork up to date.

是的，聽起來他們已經更新了所有的保險文件。

Minimalist space.

極簡空間。

Were you afraid when you did it?

你跳的時候害怕嗎？

Yeah.

是啊。

Good for you.

你真棒。

That's brains.

大腦就是這樣。

We went from a hot air balloon.

我們是坐熱氣球去的。

You've ever heard of anything like that?

你聽說過這樣的事嗎？

Yeah.

是啊。

Well, here's what's gonna happen.

那麼，接下來是這樣的。

We're gonna go up in the mountains.

我們去山上。

It's a great day.

天氣好極了。

We're gonna go up in the mountains up in the air in a hot air balloon, 250 ft.

我們坐熱氣球到山上去，到250 英尺高。

She's gonna bungee from the balloon, 220 ft.

她要從 220 英尺高的氣球上跳下去。

We get in the basket on the way up.

我們坐在樂氣球的籃子裡往上。

This guy leans over me and said, "Listen, sometimes people are afraid to go. [If] she doesn't go on the count of three, you think you can push her?"

這傢伙俯身對我說：「聽著，有時候人們害怕跳下去。如果數到三她就不跳，你你能推她下去？」

"Yes."

「當然。」

I mean, don't get me wrong.

我是說，別誤會我的意思。

I love my wife and everything, but there isn't a married guy in this room that wouldn't just like to one time....

我愛我的妻子和一切，但在座的已婚男人沒有一個曾經沒想過....

Oh, it is therapeutic.

哦，這很有療效。

Everything comes up.

回憶都湧上來了。

I pushed her at 2.

數到二我就推她了。

I couldn't help it. "Go have a good time."

我忍不住。「祝你玩得愉快。」

"I love you."

「我愛你。」

I don't mean to be like that and don't get me wrong, man. I love my wife.

我不是故意這樣的，別誤會我的意思。我愛我的妻子。

I'm crazy about that woman, but I just get so... at her sometimes.

我很喜歡那個女人，但有時候就是會對她很....。

We argue, Jeez almighty. We argue over the stupidest, littlest, teeniest, tiniest, couldn't possibly matter.

我們會爭吵，老天。我們為最愚蠢、最微不足道、最苗小、一點都不重要的事情爭吵。

I can't load a dishwasher wrong.

我才不會裝錯洗碗機。

It's not like I'm taping the dishes to the outside of the machine and standing there, "It's the first dish. Just move it around until you're happy."

我又不是把盤子貼在機器外面站著洗：「這是第一個盤子。隨意移動，直到滿意為止。」

But that, that's what you fight about the big stuff, big stuff, you lean on each other and it's really, really great.

你們為重大事情而爭吵，然後互相依靠，這真的非常非常好。

But the little......

但是小事情...

We had an argument one time, half an hour, whether or not a dolphin is a fish?

有一次我們爭論了半小時關於海豚到底是不是魚？

30 minutes...

30 分鐘...

"I mean, I know that a dolphin's not a fish."

「我是說，我知道海豚不是魚。」

"Now?"

「然後呢？」

"Would you at least admit that it lives a fish lifestyle?"

「你得承認它過著魚的生活方式吧？」

Got an argument in the car.

我們曾在車裡吵架。

Oh, man, that is the worst place to have an argument.

哦，各位，那是最不適合吵架的地方。

You're stuck.

你被困在裡面。

Big argument about my driving, you know, and she's got a little room to gripe.

關於我開車的事情發生了很大的爭吵，她確實可以抱怨。

I'll give her that because I'm a boob in the car.

我對這點讓步，因為我開車的時候是個蠢蛋。

I don't know.

我不知道。

Have you ever been driving around and you can't see an address or something that you're looking for, so you turn the radio down like that'll help.

你有沒有過開車到處繞，但找不到地址或你正在尋找的東西，因此你將收音機音量調低，以為這樣會有所幫助。

"I can't see anything with this music in my eye, and this clear piece of glass has gotta go."

「我的眼睛被這音樂弄得什麼也看不見，還有這塊透明乾淨玻璃要收起來。」

How old is my car?

我的車有多舊？

Seriously?

真的嗎？

Right.

對。

Yeah, you were back.

是的，你回來了。

We went for a relaxing drive in the mountains not too long ago and as we're headed up into the mountains, there's this big sign on the side of the road just flashed and scared "Watch For Falling Rock."

不久前，我們開車去山裡放鬆，當我們往山上走的時候，路邊有一個大牌子，上面寫著「小心落石」。

And I did that and, hit a guy on a bike.

我照做了，然後，撞到了一個騎自行車的人。

That was awful.

太可怕了。

I was like, "All right, we're in the rock zone. Everybody keep a sharp eye."

我當時想：「好的，我們到岩石區了。大家要擦亮眼睛。」

"What the heck was that?"

「那是什麼鬼東西？」

All right. All right, everybody listen up. When the police get here, that guy was hit by a rock. We all saw it."

好，大家都聽好了警察來了之後要說那傢伙是被石頭砸到的。我們都有看到。」

So, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know whether I'm a good driver or a bad driver, but I do know that one steering wheel means one driver. Ok?

我不知道我是個好司機還是個壞司機，但我知道一個方向盤意味著一個司機，對吧？

Shush, shush.

所以請閉嘴。

Not to hear my wife tell it, "You know, Phil, even a fighter pilot has a wingman."

結果我老婆說：「Phil，即使是戰鬥機飛行員也有僚機飛行員。」

"Well, yeah, but I don't think he warns the pilot by screaming...."

「是沒錯，但我不認為他通過尖叫來警告飛行員。」

"Well, I get nervous. I don't know what to say."

「我會緊張。我不知道該說什麼。」

"Well, how about car?"

「可以說『汽車』啊！」

I don't even understand why she gets so nervous.

我都不明白她為什麼這麼緊張。

This is a woman that has jumped from a perfectly good airplane, strapped to a little backpack full of nylon, she didn't think a thing of that.

這是一個從一架完美的飛機上跳下來的女人，身上綁著一個裝滿尼龍的小背包，而她對此並沒有多想。

But a car in a parking lot backs up slowly towards our car.

但是當停車場裡的車緩緩地向我們的車倒了過來。

Man, she does some things like that that just aggravate the death out of me and then she does some things that aggravate me, but I love her because of them.

她會做一些類似的事情讓我很惱怒，然後她又做了一些讓我惱怒的事情，但我因為這些原因而愛她。

I can't figure that out. That's love's little twist.

我想不通。這就是愛奇妙的地方。

It was like biting a hangnail over and over again even though you know it hurts.

這就像一遍又一遍地咬倒刺，儘管你知道它很痛。

"And now it's bleeding. All right."

「現在它流血了。好喔。」

She's got the bedroom clock set 20 minutes fast so that we can get an extra 20 minutes of sleep.

她把臥室的時鐘調快了 20 分鐘，這樣我們就能多睡 20 分鐘。

Figure that out.

想一想。

Now every day, wake up 20 minutes early just to find out it's not that late yet.

現在，每天早起 20 分鐘，卻發現還沒那麼晚。

She has her own ridiculous rationale too.

她也有自己可笑的理由。

"No, no, no. Now we can go back to sleep."

「不，不，不現在我們可以繼續睡覺了。」

"I was sleeping. I didn't mean to wake up to do it."

「我本來就在睡覺啊。我不是故意醒來去做這件事的。」

I have no idea what time it is in my house.

我也不知道我家確切的時間。

We have 12 clocks, none is set on the proper time.

我們有十二個鬧鐘，沒有一個時間設定準的。

You gonna be on one side of my house five after one (1:05), toward the middle, it's 1:25, close to the other side is 10 to 2 (1:50).

你會在我家看到 1:05 的鬧鐘，在家裏中間看到 1:25，靠近另一邊是 1:50。

You're like, "For heaven's sakes, how big is this house? I was just in the bathroom, a half an hour from now. How is that possible?"

你會想：「老天，這房子有多大？ 我剛上完廁所已經過半小時了。這怎麼可能？」

Work day is almost over. You guys really have been terrific.

我的演出快結束了。你們真的很棒。

I really appreciate it.

我真的很感謝你們。

Coming out, this is the funnest part of my day.

接下來是這是我一天中最有趣的部分。

It's hard to be gone so much.

離開我老婆身邊這麼多天真不好過。

I miss my wife quite a lot.

我非常想念我的妻子。

Hard to be even gone.

很難離開她。

I called her today, though, talked to her on the phone for a little bit, told her that I loved her because she won't hang up the phone unless I do.

不過，我今天給她打了電話，跟她聊了一會兒，告訴她我愛她，因為除非我掛電話，否則她是不會掛的。

Which is fine, man.

這很好。

If you love somebody for heaven's sakes, tell them, tell them, tell them all the time, why keep it in?

如果你永遠愛一個人，那就告訴他，為什麼要藏起來呢？

But it's crafty over the phone because then you become so conditioned, it doesn't matter who you're talking to.

但用電話講就不一樣，因為這樣你就會變得反射性動作，不管跟誰講電話都是。

"Yeah, I, I had like a large pepperoni. 30 minutes? Fantastic. I love you."

「對，我要大份的意大利辣香腸披薩。30 分鐘？太棒了，我愛你。」

You feel like an idiot but get a pizza in five minutes.

你覺得自己像個白痴，但五分鐘內就能拿到披薩。

Pepperoni's in a heart shape.

意大利香腸還是心形的。

New Facebook friend. It's wonderful.

還會交到新的 Facebook 朋友。太棒了。不過，我倒是很喜歡上面

Anyone you want to show them that you love them, and you cherish, you know.

任何你想讓他們知道你愛他們，你想珍惜的。

But I flap it up somewhere along the way, you know, I goof it up.

但我一路上都會弄錯，你知道的，我會搞砸。

Here's what happened recently.

這是最近發生的事情。

I take my wife out to dinner.

我帶我妻子出去吃飯。

We go to this fancy restaurant.

我們去了一家高級，上等餐廳。

It's packed, we have to wait for a table.

這裡人滿為患，我們必須等位。

So we're in the bar having a drink and I gotta go to the bathroom.

我們在酒吧喝酒，我想去洗手間。

So I get up, I go to the bathroom.

於是我起身去洗手間。

I come back, there's some guy hitting on my wife now.

我回來的時候，有個人在搭訕我老婆。

Like, "Dude, she's with me," but he's not buying it.

我說：「老兄，她和我一起來的」，但他不買帳。

So I spit on her.

於是我對我老婆吐口水。