I'm James A. Janisse, and am I having deja vu, or am I about to talk about Carrie?

Oh, it's just another remake, this one from 2013. Yes, we've made it to the final Carrie,

after a TV remake and a sequel that occasionally felt like a remake. Here we have another remake,

set in the 2010s, ooooh, featuring more talented actors in all the main roles. The mainest role,

Carietta White, is played by Chloe Grace Moretz, and while Moretz is obviously a talented

actor, it's hard for me to buy into her as Carrie White. Yeah, I know, that's not

a unique criticism, but it's how I really feel. She doesn't have the offputting fragility

of Sissy Spacek or the acerbic weirdness of Angela Bettis, she just seems like a normal

girl acting like an outcast - y'know, the stereotypical "nerdy girl" in rom coms who takes off her

glasses and is all of a sudden beautiful.

Aside from that casting, I'm also annoyed that this iteration of Carrie doesn't try

to do anything new - despite what director Kimberly Peirce, of Boys Don't Cry fame, says here.

"There was just a chance to do it differently."

The 2002 TV movie, for all its faults, incorporated

that after-the-fact framing device and a bunch of scenes from the novel that weren't in the

original movie. But 2013 Carrie mostly just takes everything from the de Palma film and

re-does it all with new actors and smart phones. It never experiments with the material enough

to justify existing, so to me, it feels like an entirely unnecessary remake that doesn't

offer any reason for me to watch it over the original.

Except MAYBE the fact that some of its kills are a bit more graphic. So, might as

well show you those, right?

The movie begins at the White House. Well, this blue house. Not like the WHITE hou- you know

what I mean. It's a house of wet bibles and painful pregnancies - so painful that

Margaret White thinks it's cancer! But unless this is June or July, it's not a cancer at

all - it's just a wittle babyyy. Dammit Margaret, no scissors around the wittle baby. Especially

not the FACE, come on! And it's probably meant to be at least a little ambiguous,

but I don't THINK baby Carrie stopped those scissors with her mind. I think Margaret had

a last minute change of heart - and good thing she did, cause now that baby can grow up to

be a TITLE CARDDDD.

She actually grows up to be Chloe Grace-Moretz, this movie's Carrie White, who's scorned and

/or ignored by the popular kids in school like Chris Hargensen, Sue Snell and Tommy Ross.

The gym class volleyball game becomes a water sport this time around, but that doesn't

improve Carrie's skills at all - nor, of course, her social standing.

"You eat shit!"

The infamous locker room scene is not as skintastic as de Palma's, which makes sense given that

Moretz was an actual teenager here.

"I am a 15 year old girl."

Yeah, way younger in the role than Sissy Spacek, who was 24, and Angela Bettis, who was 29.

Carrie White finds some red on her soap - and her hands - and that freaks her out something

special. But the other kids in the locker room only respond by throwing tampons at her

and recording their bullying on their phones

"PLUG IT UP! PLUG IT UP!"

Sounds like some interference is needed by Coach Desjardin, played here by Judy Greer,

Kill Count alumnus thanks to Jurassic World and Halloween 2018. With one vintage slap

to the face, she calms the situation down - just not enough to avoid an overhead light

poppin off. They go to the principal's office, where Desjardin tries to comfort Carrie,

but the girl is still in a glass-shattering mood. Wait was that glass?

*glass smashing noises*)

Yeah that sounded like glass. Who has a glass water tank? That'd be so heavy!

Margaret comes to pick Carrie up from school, pausing only to cast scorn upon the horny

teenagers around her - namely, Chris Hargensen and her boyfriend Billy Nolan, whose actor

Alex Russell gives us the most threatening variation of the character. The Whites get

home and Margaret goes inside first so Carrie can be alone in the car when that bike kid comes around.

"Crazy Carrie, Crazy Carrie! *pig noise*

Wouldn't be Carrie without a doucher on a bike! Or off a bike, I guess.

In this remake, Margaret is played by Julianne Moore, previously on the kill Count in The

Lost World: Jurassic Park. Moore's Margaret is a highlight of the film, mostly because

she's such a different depiction than Piper Laurie's over-the-top fundamentalist. This

Margaret White has issues that lead to self-harm, but her relationship towards Carrie feels

less rooted in hatred.

"It's not our of being abusive, it's not out of being hateful, they love each other."

It's a different, manipulative take on the character, but one that still sees her blame Carrie's

period on her having sinned.

"I'm not Eve, Mama. I didn't sin."

Listen, Carrie, the only book

learning we do here is BIBLE learning! Get it through your head!

When Carrie continues to talk back, she earns a complimentary ticket to the praying closet,

to which she says Let Me Out instead of In

"GOD YOU SUCK!"

Carrietta White!

We do NOT digitally crack open doors in this house. Is that what bleeding bod Jesus have wantedwould

I didn't think so.

That night, Sue Snell is feeling real bad about how she treated Carrie. She tells her

boyfriend Tommy Ross about it and they have a conversation from the book where he tells

her about a time when he, too, was a dick too far. Good material for the character,

especially as delivered by a 19 year old Ansel Elgort in his first ever film role.

With that one scene, Sue and Tommy have established that they're good kids - unlike Chris and

Billy, and Chris's best friend Tina Blake, who go on the old YouTubes and upload their

video of Carrie getting bullied.

"Favorite Movie? Bloodsport."

Wait, what?

"Favorite drink? Bloody Mary."

What the- YouTube's not a dating app. Those aren't fields you have to fill out!

At school, Miss Desjardin lines up the girls in gym class and tells them what she thinks of their recent actions

"You all did a shitty thing yesterday."

She tells them they have a choice between physical detention with her

or a disinvitation to prom, but Chris Hargensen's

not a fan of lateral exercises, so she tells Desjardin to fuck off. Chris is unable to

rally the troops to her side, leaving her as the only one suspended - even though she doesn't understand why.

"We didn't do anything wrong!"

Yep, nothing wrong with this, ya dummy.

Carrie gets upset by her every-day bullying so she goes into a bathroom and cracks apart

a mirror with her mind. Ohhhh and she makes mirror shard soup in the sink, too! Neat!

Intrigued by this capability, she researches miracles and telekinesis so that later on,

in her room, she can practice her newfound talent. Huh, I guess all she needed was an

extended hand and a silly face, and she was ready to be an X-Man! X-Woman? Mutant. Wow,

Carrie, you've already got Luke post-Dagobah skills. This was one scene where Peirce briefly

experimented with practical effects, putting the books on strings and using fishing poles

to make them float. She didn't like the way it looked though so they went with visual effects instead.

In class, Carrie is picked on by a teacher until Tommy comes to her defense

"Asshole."

"Excuse me Mr. Ross, did you say something?"

"I said 'Awesome.'"

That act of chivalry gains Carrie's attention and gets the gears turning

in Sue's old Snell Shell. Meanwhile, Chris Hargensen has her lawyer dad meet with Principal Morton.

He's played by Hart Bochner, probably based off his performance as a slimey yuppie

in Die Hard, but it's worth noting that he, too, is a Kill Count graduate, having played

the head prankster in Terror Train. Mr. Hargensen tries to get Coach Desjardin fired, but he's

unable to do that - or get Chris her prom privileges restored - because there's hard

evidence of Chris's awfulness in the form of that video on YouTube. Idiot kids.

Chris complains to her friends, and when Sue stands up for Carrie, Chris questions her sincerity,

saying she's only being nice so she can still go to Prom.

To prove Chris wrong and comfort her guilty conscience, Sue comes up with a plan and Snells

it out to Tommy.

"I want you to take Carrie White to Prom."

Even though he'd rather

go with Sue, Tommy can tell how much this would mean to her, so he cool guy walks his

way down the hallway, highfiving peers and faculty alike, until he gets to Carrie's lonely

lunch table and graces her with his cool guy presence.

He asks her to prom, a request she can't even understand.

"...What?"

"The Prom."

...and her skepticism

leads her to flee - she's not lookin to be the butt of another joke. She tells Desjardin

about Tommy's proposal, leading to some great multifaceted face acting from Judy Greer,

"Wow... Tommy Ross?"

and the gym teacher encourages optimism in the girl - after all, with some

make up and posture adjustment, Carrie could make a fine date for the T-Man. Just to be

sure, though, Desjardin warns Tommy and Sue that they'd better not be setting up Carrie

to get pranked - or there'll be Snell to pay. Gotta love Elgort as a well-meaning but kinda

dense Tommy Ross.

"Famous athlete's, like Tim Tebow? He takes kids to Prom all the time and everyone loves him for it."

Aside from the lead role, this movie's shortcomings are

no fault of its stars.

To make sure Sue's satisfied, Tommy goes to Carrie's house and secures her as a date by

saying the poem she read in class was cool. Carrie tells her mom about her prom plans

later, saying she's gonna go cause she doesn't want to be the weird kid anymore.

"I have to try and be a whole person. Before it's too late."

Mama White don't trust Tommy's intentions though,

and tells Carrie she needs to get back in the closet. But Carrie's out and proud now,

brazenly showing off her superhero powers in a way that Grace-Moretz compared to "conducting

a symphony." I'm not a huge fan of how it looks, but at least they didn't go with the

version of this scene where Carrie moves her mom around like she's playing a fuckin' crane game.

Billy Nolan and his bros take Chris out to a pig farm so they can collect a bunch of

blood to epically prank Carrie White. His pal Jackie Talbot's unable to do the deed,

so Billy takes over and starts things off with a kiss that allegedly got actor Alex

Russell sick because there were pig droppings present on the sledgehammer. I couldn't

verify that info but I had to mention it anyway. Chris finishes the job with a psychopathic

swine stab, cause Portia Doubleday's Chris Hargensen is kind of cartoonishly evil sometimes.

They take that pig's blood into the school and string it up using a pulley system, all

while an unsuspecting Carrie White works on her dress with no risk of sore calves. Y'know

even with Margaret praying in the background, I'd much rather be Carrie, getting ready for

the dance at home, than stuck in this cliche cool kid montage backed by Vampire Weekend.

Nothing against Vampire Weekend, I actually like them quite a bit, but I just can't stand

manufactured coolness like this. The screenplay for this remake was co-written by two dudes.

First, the original film's screenwriter, Lawrence Cohen, which explains why it's so similar

to the de Palma film. And secondly, Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa - which explains why it feels

so CW a lot of the time, seeing as Aguirre-Sacasa is the man who brought us Riverdale and the

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.

Margaret tries to manipulate Carrie into staying home, but ain't no one bout to turn down a

free limo ride, so Carrietta heads downstairs to leave. When Mags tries to stop her some

more, Carrie uses her powers to silence her mum and slide her on backwards into the prayer

closet. "And stay in there!" She tells her mom she loves her - just not enough to let

her leave - then steps out onto the porch to get baby driven to prom.

They get to the school, and after a last minute wardrobe adjustment, head inside the gym,

where The Naked and Famous is waiting to score their entrance. Desjardin fuckin LOVES INDIETRONICA.

Carrie has a friendly chat with the gym teacher and a romantic slow dance with Tommy

so all in all you could call this prom a twirly whirly success. Carrie, you're a Hit, Girl!

If only we could roll credits now.

But we can't, so we've gotta watch things fall apart - at home, Margaret White bloodilly

claws her way out of the closet, and at school, Tina Blake lets Chris and Billy in so they

can climb into the rafters and get ready to pull dat rope. The voting for prom royalty

begins and Tommy convinces Carrie that they should vote for themselves.

"To the Devil with false modesty."

"To the Devil..."

To Satan!

The votes are tallied up while Passion Pit plays - god dammit, you made me buy

this soundtrack, too! - and, knowing the eventual results, Chris sends Sue an ominous

text, which sends the Snell speeding towards the high school. She gets there just in time

to hear Tommy and Carrie announced Prom King and Queen, and as they step up onto the stage,

Sue notices the bucket hanging over their heads - like so many swords of Damacles.

Sue tries to Snell out that something's going on, but she's tossed out of the gym by Desjardin,

right as Billy and Chris finally get their faulty pulley system going. The bucket of

blood empties out all over Carrie, covering her so nice they have to show us thrice. And

no wonder they wanted to replay it a bunch in the film - they spent a TON of time testing