♪ Hey, wow... ♪

♪ Here's how ♪

♪ Come and read ♪

♪ Between the lions ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Come on ♪

♪ Come in ♪

♪ Begin ♪

♪ The world awaits ♪

WOMAN: ♪ Between the lions ♪

♪ Between the covers of a book ♪

♪ It's time to look between the lions ♪

♪ Behold the tales beyond the tails ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Behind the door ♪

♪ Become, explore ♪

♪ Come in between the lions ♪

♪ Begin between the lions ♪

♪ Be here between the lions! ♪

Whoop, you're going to fall off the shelf there.

Oh, thanks very much, Theo.

Oh, that would've hurt-- huh, my pride anyway.

( both laugh )

Hi, Frank.

Here, let me lend you a paw, huh.

Oh, and service, too, huh?

( chuckles )

So, uh, what is all this?

Oh, the usual.

History books, books of poetry, folk tales

books about our great heroes.

Preparing another lecture, Frank?

Oh, that I am.

Ha, and to think I became a teacher

so I wouldn't have to do heavy lifting.

( both laugh )

Hey, Gus, you'll love this book.

( Leona screaming )

( crying )

Oh-hoh, sweetie.

( sobbing ): Daddy, it was terrible!

It was so terrible!

It was so terrible!

What... what is it, Leona?

Yeah, what's the matter, Leona?

We were at the playground

and Leona's friend Tammy called her a nasty name.

Oh, look, I'm sure she didn't mean it, honey.

Yes, she did, she did!

She... she really hurt my feelings!

She meant it, and I'm never going back there again!

But... hmm.

Watch how a big brother solves

his little sister's problems.

Go for it.

( Leona sobbing )

Aw, Leona, its okay--

sticks and stones will break your bones

but words will never hurt you.

( sobbing )

That's easy for you to say.

You're not the one that's hysterical!

( bawls )

Ohh.

Well, that went well.

Yeah, um, I... I got to go.

Yeah, yeah.

Little girls crying overwhelms me.

I'll see you later, huh?

I've always thought that "names can never hurt you" stuff

was a lot of rubbish.

Words can be very powerful things.

I was just looking into a book about the very subject

and... I'm not interfering, I hope?

( sniffs )

Oh, no, no, Frank, go right ahead.

Ah, it's a lovely old book.

Hey, it's just right here... whoa!

THEO: Oh, goodness, Frank.

Easy does it.

FRANK: Not to worry.

Happens all the time.

Oh, is that right?

There you go.

Now, then, "Tales of the Irish Rats, Volume One:

How the Rats Were Rhymed Out of Ireland" by Shannon Shamley--

a rat of my own acquaintance--

and illustrated by John R. Friedman.

Lovely artist.

Lovely man.

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Let's see, now.

Ah...

FRANK: Long ago in the land of Ireland...

there were a hundred kings

and every king had his poet.

These royal poets were called "bards."

The bards composed two kinds of poems:

first, eulogies-- poems of praise to flatter the king.

BARD: Flatter, flatter, flatter, flatter, flatter.

( crowd cheers )

BARD: Flatter.

( crowd cheers )

Flatter.

These made the king feel really good.

And there were poems that said very bad things

about the king's enemies.

BARD: Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

( imitating donkey's hee-haw )

BARD: Bad, Bad.

( imitating donkey's hee-haw )

These made the king feel really good, too.

( chuckles )

The greatest king in all Ireland was named King Conor.

Now, one morning, when King Conor came down to breakfast

he discovered that his usual egg wasn't there on the table.

King Conor made up his mind that a rat had stolen his egg

and it made him very angry.

He called for his bard Lavarcham.

Bard, rhyme me a rhyme

that will drive those dratted rats

out of Ireland!

And Lavarcham began to speak.

LAVARCHAM: Rats, nasty, putrid, hideous.

Rats, loathsome, vile, invidious.

Rats, from your holes-- begone!

Ow! That hurts.

Pack your bags, Siobhan!

We don't have to stay here

and be called hurtful names!

Rats squalid and sneaking

eating garbage and reeking.

Rats, from your holes-- begone!

( rats squeaking )

( rats grumbling )

Come on, kids, we're never coming back here again!

( rats squeaking )

Wretches more noxious than gnats

I exile and rout, from Ireland cast out.

From your garbage-filled holes-- rats, begone!

( crowd murmuring, rats squeaking )

FRANK: They sailed away, swearing never to return.

So, Leona, you're not the first to feel very hurt by insults.

See, Lionel?

Yeah, I... I see.

Yeah, and like the rats

I'm never going back

to that playground again.

Never, never, never!

ALL: Leona!

No, no, wait, Leona--

that's not the end of the story.

Listen... ( stammers )

It's not here.

It's in Volume Two.

I'll go get it.

Hmm, if words can hurt...

Yeah! That's it!

"Rats."

Hey! It's standing room only for Martha Reader and the Vowelles

singing that fabulous short "a"-- "aah"-- sound

in the word "hat"!

( Martha singing repeated short "a" sound to rock tune )

( Vowelles respond rhythmically with short "a" sound )

( applause )

"Hat."

( making "s" sound )

"Sat."

( making "c" sound )

"Cat."

Pigeon Theater Works presents Walter and Clay Pigeon in Cats!

with a special appearance by Barnaby B. Busterfield III.

It's a small part, but crucial to the plot.

Um, uh...

Meow?

Uh, yeah, meow.

( both repeating "meow" )

( clears throat )

Drat these cats!

They're driving me batty!

( crowd applauds )

BOTH: Me... ow!

Ha, ha, ha.

Pigeons-- don't you just love them?

♪ ♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ The team called the Madison Cats ♪

♪ Had a terrible problem with rats ♪

♪ Said the catcher, "Let's see, if we swap R for B ♪

♪ We can turn all those rats into bats." ♪

( organ plays "Charge!" theme )

And now Timeless Classic Masterpieces

presents another chapter from that saga of the sea

Moby Duck

in which Captain Ahab, with the crew of the good ship Pea Pod

continues his endless search for Moby, the great white duck.

AHAB ( reading ):

"Methinks our long search will soon be over.

Arrgh!"

Do you see him, Mr. Starbuck?

Do you see the duck?

Nay, Captain Wacky

the seas be having a total lack of duck, so to speak.

But there be many whitecaps.

And the seas be rough.

Arrgh!

Wait, Captain!

Thar she quacks.

Moby, the great white duck.

Arrgh! At last.

Nay, Mr. Starbuck.

That not be Moby, the great white duck.

Arrgh!

Arrgh!

No?

Arrgh!

No, look.

See the print on screen there:

Rab... bit, rabbit.

Two syllables, two vowels and two big ears.

That be Flappy, the fantastic white rabbit.

Arrgh!

I be sorry, Captain.

The seas be making me daffy.

Well, like I always say at the end of every chapter...

Snap out of it, matey!

Moby, the great white duck, be near, very near.

Methinks our search will soon be over.

Arrgh!

And now, some names

with the short "a"-- "aah"-- sound in them.

And that makes me happy.

( music playing )

WOMAN: ♪ Meet Hannah, Ali, Mackey, Stan ♪

♪ Alana, Al, Jack and Chan ♪

♪ Ralphie, Max... ♪

The name is Sam.

WOMAN: ♪ And Alfie, Axel ♪

♪ And the ram! ♪

♪ Here's Patches, Gabbi, Babs and Fats ♪

♪ And Satch and Tabby, Gabbi's cats. ♪

♪ Alejandro, Manny, Candy ♪

♪ Calley, Pandro, Van and Brandy! ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's your name? ♪

♪ What's your name, what's your name, what's your name? ♪

♪ Enjoy your little moment of fame! ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

♪ Here's Nancy, Barry, Vance, King Zack ♪

♪ And Lance and Harry, Lance's yak ♪

♪ In all these names you'll find short "a" ♪

♪ It sounds like "aah," that's that-- good day! ♪

♪ Aah. ♪

( singing a cappella in '50s doo-wop style )

Heath!

Oh, I need your help!

Hey, Lionel.

You need my help, aid, assistance

service, succor, support?

Well, come up here and tell old Heath.

Up we go!

( laughs )

Heath, you've got all the words.

I need insulting words that rhyme

so I can write a poem like the bards of Ireland--

you know-- who wrote to hurt their enemies?

Oh... insulting words, huh?

Well, let's see...

Take your pick, uh, in alphabetical order:

( reading ):

Oh, yeah, I love "tacky"...

Okeydokey, stop worrying--

Lionel is on the job.

Leona, here's what you got to do.

You go to that playground

and just like the king's bard

you walk right up to your enemy, uh... Tammy, and you say...

( reading )

Wow, "tacky malefactor."

You know, I don't approve

of your suggestion, Lionel...

No, but good word power.

It doesn't rhyme.

Well, yeah, but when Tammy hears it

she'll never come back to that playground again.

No... I could never say anything to hurt someone.

It's... it's just not me.

Come on, Lovey, let's go somewhere

where we can be ourselves for a while.

( all sigh )

Wait, I think the answer is in that story that Frank read.