You know, that's the purpose of comedy is to raise levity from the dark topics, you know.

要知道，喜劇的目的就在於從黑暗的話題中喚起歡樂。

I understand you come here to find a relief and relax and take a break from the world and you should.

你知道，我知道你來這裡是為了尋求解脫，放鬆身心，遠離塵世，你應該這樣做。

That's my motto when it comes to comedy.

說到喜劇，這就是我的座右銘。

You should enjoy this moment right now because you never know when you're gonna die in a mass shooting.

你應該享受現在這一刻，因為你永遠不知道自己什麼時候會死於大規模槍擊。

You know what I'm saying?

你們懂嗎？

That's something.

這是...

See, some of you get the point, enjoy this moment now because after this, you're on your own.

你們中的一些人已經明白了，現在就享受這一刻吧，因為這一刻過後，你們就得靠自己了。

I know people are like, "I don't want to talk about gun violence," like, "OK, Republican Senator," you know what I mean?

我知道人們說：「我不想談論槍支暴力」「好的，共和黨參議員」你明白我的意思嗎？

Listen, I wrote a couple of things on it and I understand this might not be for you.

聽著，我在寫了一些東西段子，我知道這可能不適合你。

And I apologize in advance.

我提前向你道歉。

Literally, my thoughts and prayers go to you.

真的，我的思念和祈禱都與你同在。

Because I do think it is something we need to talk about because listen, right now, homicides and suicides by gun are on the rise and that's a problem.

因為我確實認為這是我們需要討論的事情，因為聽著，現在持槍殺人和自殺事件正在上升，這是一個問題。

But here's the good news.

但好消息是，

They're not as high as they were in their peak, which was in the '90s.

現在已經不像 90 年代的巔峰時期那麼多了。

Isn't that crazy?

這不是很瘋狂嗎？

I'm a millennial.

我是千禧一代。

We glorify the shit out of the '90s.

我們美化了九十年代。

We're like, "It was the best era ever."

我們覺得「那是最美好的時代。」

"Maybe they get suicides and homicides, you know, like we leave that part out, but we had the best music."

「也許會有自殺和他殺，你知道，我們不提那部分，但我們有最好的音樂。」

"What. Fucking Tupac, Biggie, Kurt Cobain."

「Tupac、Biggie、寇特·柯本。」(這些名人都死於槍擊）

"What happened to those guys?"

「那些傢伙怎麼了？」

"Man, I miss him."

「天啊，我想念他們。」

"I miss him."

「我懷念他們。」打他，打他

I got you with that one, dude.

我讓你笑了，兄弟。

I finally got you back, bro.

你終於贏回一城，老兄。

All right.

好樣的。

All right, good luck.

好樣的。

It's dark.

這很黑暗。

You saw that?

你們有看到嗎？

That was good.

這很好。

That was pretty good.

很不錯。

Took about a minute.

花了大約一分鐘。

Cerebral, right?

很理性，對嗎？

But listen, like we're all scared and I understand that's why it's hard to address this.

但聽著，我們都很害怕，我明白這就是為什麼很難解決這個問題。

But like the thing we need to realize is like we can't depend on others to keep us safe.

但我們需要意識到的是，我們不能依賴他人來保護我們的安全。

You know, even me as a comedian, I can't keep you guys safe, believe it or not.

要知道，就算我是喜劇演員，也無法保證你們的安全，信不信由你們。

We can't even count on our law enforcement.

是啊，我們連執法部門都指望不上了。

We saw, right?

我們看到了，對吧？

They took an hour to go stop a shooting.

他們花了一個小時去阻止一起槍擊案。

This is fucking crazy.

太他媽瘋狂了。

Like we're at the point now we need creative solutions.

我們現在需要有創意的解決方案。

We need somebody who actually will be brave enough to run in and stop an active shooter at a school.

我們需要有人能真正勇敢地衝進學校，阻止一名槍手。

I have an idea.

我有個主意。

Registered sex offenders.

登記在冊的性犯罪者。

Hear me out, just hear me out, hear me out a little bit.

聽我說，聽我說，聽我說幾句。

Ok?

好嗎？

We round up all the registered sex offenders in the local area.

我們聚集當地所有登記在冊的性犯罪者。

Trust me, there's a lot, I looked it up.

相信我，有很多，我有查資料。

Yeah, we all should move.

是啊，我們都應該搬走。

We round them up and we ask them politely to watch the school.

我們把他們召集起來，禮貌地請他們看管學校。

All right?

好嗎？

And yes, this happens to be their favorite thing to do. Ok?

是的，這恰好是他們最喜歡做的事情，對吧？

We're creating incentives.

我們正在創造誘因。

We don't arm them, we don't arm them.

我們不給他們武器。

No, we put a tracking device so they stay a safe distance all the time.

不，我們安裝追蹤裝置，讓他們始終跟學校保持安全距離。

Just eyes, right?

只用眼睛看，對嗎？

Some of you are still not on board with this.

你們中有些人還不同意。

OK?

好嗎？

Listen, judge me all you want, OK?

聽著，隨便你怎麼評價我，好嗎？

I do not condone pedophilia.

我不會寬恕戀童癖。

But you and I both know, unlike half this fucking country, the pedophiles actually care about the survival of our kids, OK?

但你我都知道，與這個該死的國家的一半人不同，戀童癖們其實很關心我們孩子的生存，好嗎？

So we asked them to watch the school, just eyes and God forbid, God forbid,

所以我們要求他們看著學校，只是用眼睛看，但願不要發生，

there's a shooting, we tell them, "You run, you save the children, you do it for the children."

但如果有槍擊案，我們告訴他們：「你們上，你們要救孩子，你為孩子奉獻。」

And they will, they'll do it, they'll do it because they love the kids more than us.

他們會的，他們會做的，他們會做的，因為他們愛孩子勝過愛我們。

They will run and stop an active shooter and yes, if one of them dies, then we need to agree that God forgives them, OK?

他們會跑去阻止一個槍手，是的，如果他們中有人死了，那麼我們都同意上帝原諒他們了，對嗎？

This is about redemption now. This is some higher stuff, right?

這是關於救贖。這是更高尚的事情了，對吧？

And if they survive, saving the school, then we make them superintendent.

如果他們能拯救學校，我們就任命他們為教育局長。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I haven't really thought that out completely.

我還沒有完全想好。

I'm just saying the only thing that could stop a bad guy with a gun is a pedophile with a cause, all right?

我只是說，唯一能阻止持槍壞人的，就是一個有目標的戀童癖。

And that's how you turn registered offenders into registered defenders, all right?

這就是如何把登記在冊的性犯罪者變成登記在冊的守衛者，好嗎？

Thank you.

好的，謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。