My girlfriend saw the letter, she's like, "Oh, your reunion?"

我女朋友看到這封信，她說：「哦，你們要辦同學會嗎？」

I go, "Yeah, my reunion."

我說：「是啊，我的同學會。」

"When is it? When are we going?"

「什麼時候？我們什麼時候要去？」

"Um, actually I was, I was gonna take my friend Tony because you know, we went to high school together. He's my best friend since high school. So I was gonna take Tony."

「實際上，我要帶我的朋友 Tony 去，因為你知道，我們一起上高中。他從高中就是我最好的朋友。所以我要帶 Tony 去。」

You're gonna take Tony instead of me. That's what's gonna happen, huh? You're gonna take Tony instead of me, your girlfriend. You're gonna take Tony.

你要帶 Tony 去，不是我。 反正就是這樣了，對吧？ 你會帶 Tony 去，而不是我，你的女朋友。 你要帶 Tony 去。

No, it's okay. It's okay. You take Tony, OK? And I hope you have a great time."

不，沒關係。沒關係。 你帶 Tony 去，好嗎？ 希望你們玩得開心。」

"Oh, thanks. I knew you'd understand, baby. I love you."

「哦，謝謝。我就知道你會理解的，寶貝。我愛你。」

Don't ask too many questions, you know what I mean?

不要問太多問題，你明白我的意思嗎？

So my buddy, Tony and I, we go to a high school reunion.

所以我和我的朋友 Tony 去參加高中同學會。

We get there early, too early.

我們很早到，太早了。

There's nobody in the banquet hall.

宴會廳裡沒人。

So we go upstairs to the bar area, we're watching a basketball game.

我們來到樓上的酒吧區，正在看一場籃球賽。

Everything is cool until some guy recognized me.

一切都很順利，直到有個人認出了我。

"Hey, you're the comedian."

「嘿，你是那個喜劇演員。」

"What's up, dude?"

「你好嗎兄弟。」

"Dude, funny, bro. Let me buy you a shot."

「老兄，你很有趣。我請你喝一杯。」

"Actually, man. I have a reunion right now and, and I don't wanna show up drunk."

「其實我現在要參加同學會，我不想醉醺醺地出席。」

"Oh, I see how it is, bro. You're too good, huh? That's what it is, huh? Excuse me, George Lopez."

「哦，我懂了，兄弟。你太紅了，是吧？就是這樣。，對吧？ 真是抱歉打擾你了， 喬治·羅培茲。」

"Let's do the stupid shot."

「來喝吧。」

"All right Bartender, shot."

「好耶，酒保，來 shot。」

So he freaking makes a double and we freaking cling, cling and slammed it.

他弄了很濃的，我們就敬酒、乾杯。

I'm like, "Oh, thank you, man. Thank you."

我說：「喔～～謝謝你，兄弟。謝謝。」

"Let's do another one. " "Hey, man, I'm okay. Thank you."

「再喝一杯」「嘿，兄弟，我不用了。謝謝。」

"See how it is. Paul Rodriguez."

「我懂了，你是保羅羅德里格斯了？」

"Let's do another shot."

「再喝一杯。」

And he kept this pattern going. He must have had like seven comedians behind his freaking wallet, you know.

他一直重複這個模式。 你知道，他那該死的錢包後面一定有七位喜劇演員。

One after another. I got so drunk I could, it was a level of drunk where you can't even walk straight.

一杯接著一杯，我喝超醉，醉得連路都走不直了。

You gotta look at the ground to navigate, you know, you just kind of.

你必須看著地面才能走路。像這樣。

I get to the reunion. There's a lady at a table and she's got stickers on the table that say "Hello, my name is ___"

我到了同學會現場，有一位女士坐在桌邊，桌上有寫著「你好，我是＿＿」的貼紙。

And then with a sharpie, you write your name.

然後要用麥克筆寫下自己得名字。

I was so drunk I couldn't even write Gabriel, I wrote Flaco, which is Spanish for skinny.

我醉得一塌糊塗。我甚至寫不出 Gabriel，我寫的是 Flaco，在西班牙語中是「瘦」的意思。

So you know, I freaking write that, stick it on and we walk in.

我就寫了這個，貼上去，然後就走進去了。

The party's going on, you know.

派對正在狂歡。

I'm trying to find a table. My buddy Tony took off. I couldn't find him.

我試著找到一張桌子坐下。我的朋友Tony不見了。我找不到他

I'm sitting there, I'm like, "Oh my God," all of a sudden the lights come up and the class president is holding the microphone.

我坐在那裡，說著：「天阿」突然燈光亮起，班長拿著麥克風。

"Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Wilson high school class reunion. Let's just cut to the chase, find out what everyone's been up to and keep the party rocking."

「大家好歡迎參加威爾遜高中同學聚會。 我們就開門見山瞭解大家都在忙些什麼，讓派對持續狂歡。」

So she pulls out a list, "Who's done this? Who's done that? Who has the most Children?"

所以她拿出了一份清單說：「誰幹過這個？誰幹過那個？誰生最多孩子？」

Some girl in the back, "Seven."

後面的一個女孩說：「七個。」

Everybody's like, "Puta."

大家都說：「妓女。」

Now you remember. OK.

現在你們記得了。

She keeps going down the list.

她一直唸下去。

"Who's done this? Who's done that? Who's been on television?"

「誰做過這個？誰做過那個？誰上過電視？」

Everybody at my table who wasn't talking to me before, you know, they weren't talking to me before.

我同桌的每個人，以前沒跟我說過話，

Now they're like, "Right here, right here. Right here."

現在他們就像：「就在這裡，就在這裡。 就在這裡。」

I'm like, "No, no, no. Shh."

我說：「不不不，安靜。」

Sure enough, here comes the girl.

果不其然，班長走過來了。

"Oh, we have a celebrity over here. Come on, say something. Get up here, Flaco.

「哦，我們這裡有個名人。來吧，說點什麼。 快上來，Flaco。」

Come on, Flaco, get up here."

來吧，Flaco。快上來。」

"No, no, no. I'm okay."

「不，不，不，我沒關係。」

"Oh, come on, get up here. Are you too good or what?"

「拜託，快上來。你太紅了是嗎？」

So, I got mad and I jumped up, "I'm not too good."

所以，我生氣了，跳到舞台上說：「我沒有太紅。」

"Um, everybody, my name is Gabriel. Gabriel Iglesias.

「各位，我叫加布里埃爾·伊格萊西亞斯。

I don't wanna say a whole lot right now because I've been drinking and I don't wanna say nothing stupid.

我現在不想說太多，因為我喝了酒，不想說傻話。

It's really nice to be here with everybody.

能和大家在一起真的很開心。

I see two girls here tonight.

我看到兩個女孩今晚在這裡

Two who when I was in the 12th grade I asked out to the prom,

這兩個人，在我12年級的時候，我約他們去舞會，

and they said no, but you know what? It's okay. It's okay. Let me go.

他們拒絕了，但是你知道嗎？沒關係。讓我講完。

It's okay. You know what? It's okay because like she said, I've been on TV, and you two girls who said no, you got fat."

沒關係。你知道嗎？ 沒關係，就像她說的，我上過電視。 而你們兩個拒絕我的女孩，你們變胖了。」

One of them yells out, "You're fat too."

其中一個大喊：「你也很胖。」

"I know I'm fat, but I was fat in high school. I kept my figure. Why couldn't you?"

「我知道我胖，但我在高中時就很胖了。我維持了身材。 為什麼你們不能？」