Being part of a couple can help us to understand who we are.

成為夫妻的一部分可以幫助我們了解自己是誰。

Our partners may see what we no longer can; both what's adorable and what's more perplexing and difficult.

我們的另一半可能會看到我們無法看到的東西； 既有可愛的，也有更令人困惑和困難的。

They might, for example, remind us that we've told that anecdote three times before or that purple doesn't suit us.

例如，他們可能會提醒我們，那則軼事我們已經講過三遍了，或者紫色不適合我們。

They can tell us that we've overreacted to a problem at work or that we've placed our trust in an envious friend.

它們會告訴我們，我們對工作中的問題反應過度，或者我們把信任寄託在了一個令人羨慕的朋友身上。

Their responses to us give us a chance to grow slightly less obtuse, haughty and peculiar.

他們對我們的回應給了我們一個機會，讓我們不再那麼愚鈍、傲慢和奇特。

But despite the potential of love to function as a route to self-knowledge, in practice, we often walk away from relationships with most of our delusions intact.

但是，儘管在實踐中，愛有可能成為自我認知的途徑，我們卻常常帶著大部分的妄想從關係中離開。

Some of our problem comes down to pride.

我們的一些問題歸根結底是自尊心在作祟。

We can't find it in our hearts to forgive our lovers for catching sight of material that doesn't accord with what we want to be true of ourselves.

我們內心無法原諒我們的愛人看到與我們想要的真實自我不符的材料。

We come to love, hoping to be admired.

我們來愛，希望被愛慕。

They spot that we aren't always very funny that our novel is patchy that we're prone to self pity that we lose our tempers too fast.

他們會發現我們並不總是很幽默，我們的小說也不完整，我們容易自我憐憫，我們的脾氣發得太快。

Far from using these bits of difficult news as goads for self-improvement, we tend to find it much easier to get insulted to say that a partner is being mean or inconsiderate and to block our ears.

我們往往不會把這些困難的消息作為自我完善的動力，而是更容易受到侮辱，說伴侶刻薄或不體貼，並堵住自己的耳朵。

We fall back on a noxious but highly popular idea about love that in a good relationship, no one should be trying to change anyone presumably because we're perfect enough already.

我們求助於一種有害但非常流行的愛情觀念，即在一段良好的關係中，沒有人應該試圖改變任何人，大概是因為我們已經足夠完美了。

We're not only bad at receiving feedback.

我們不僅不善於接收反饋。

We're also very poor at giving it.

我們也不善於給予。

We give up after only a few minutes of measured conversation, call them a shithead, slam the door and shout that they're as bad as their mother or father.

經過幾分鐘的謹慎交談後，我們就放棄了，稱他們為白痴，關上門，大喊他們和他們的父母一樣壞。

In order to capitalize on the potential of relationships, we should be stricter on certain basic rules for love.

為了充分利用人際關係的潛力，我們應該更加嚴格地遵守一些基本的愛情規則。

Firstly, we should start by insisting contrary to the romantic script that true love is entirely compatible with attempts to teach people who they are and how they might improve.

首先，我們應該先堅持與浪漫主義劇本相反的觀點，即真愛與教導人們他們是誰以及他們如何改進的嘗試完全相容。

The only people whom we don't want to change are those we don't care about.

我們唯一不想改變的人，就是那些我們不在乎的人。

Secondly, at the same time, huge attention should be paid to the way we share our insights.

其次，與此同時，我們還應該高度重視分享見解的方式。

We must become the most willing of students and the kindest of teachers. We should only strive to divulge tricky things when we aren't smarting from our contact with them.

我們必須成為最樂於助人的學生和最和藹可親的老師，我們只有在與他們接觸後不至於自作聰明時，才會努力透露棘手的事情。

We need to strike always when the iron is cold.

我們需要趁熱打鐵。

Thirdly, we should soften our verdicts with recourse to words like perhaps and maybe we should say that we feel that they may be missing something.

第三，我們應該用 "也許 "這樣的詞來軟化我們的判決，也許我們應該說，我們覺得他們可能遺漏了什麼。

Not that we and our therapist and our mother are certain of their insanity.

我們、我們的治療師和我們的母親並不確定他們是否瘋了。

We should remember that emotional truths can only ever be heard in an atmosphere of intimate safety.

我們應該記住，只有在親密安全的氛圍中，才能聽到情感的真諦。

Most relationships collapse because, in the end, two people didn't want to know more about themselves because the knowledge was too hard and because the way it was shared was too tough.

大多數關係的破裂都是因為最終兩個人都不想了解自己，因為了解太難，分享的方式也太艱難。

Given how much pressure, psychological information every relationship throws up,

鑑於每段關係都會帶來巨大的壓力和心理資訊，

we should share our hard-won insights with unlimited tenderness and strive to hear them.

我們應該無限溫柔地分享我們來之不易的見解，並努力聽取他們的意見。

Always with trust, curiosity and courage.

始終懷著信任、好奇和勇氣。