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  • The other day, I saw a woman that I was attracted to.


  • And here's what happened.


  • [1. Optimism]

    [1. 樂觀]

  • So, I was out walking Fred in a very cold, snowy Stockholm.

    所以,我在非常寒冷、白雪皚皚的斯德哥爾摩遛 Fred 。

  • I was going to just to take him around the neighbourhood for a quick stroll and then hurry back inside.


  • And the cold wind was causing my eyes to water and my vision to become slightly blurry.


  • "Just go poop already!"


  • "Why do I even live in this cold climate?"


  • I was mumbling to myself like a bitter old lady.


  • And so as I kept my head down to protect my face from the wind, my bitter bubble was burst by the voice of a woman from a few meters ahead who was making child-like noises like, "Whoo and shoo."


  • So I look up and indeed it was a woman walking hand in hand with a child looked about three.


  • And this woman was jumping around and playfully kicking in the snow.


  • And then I overhear her child asking, "But, Mom, when is it going to rain? "


  • And this woman replies saying, "It's going to rain when it's a few degrees warmer, but as for now, let's enjoy the snow."


  • "What a lucky child," I thought to myself to have a mother with such a positive outlook on life.


  • I wanted to be more like her and I wanted her to be my friend.


  • And then there was me, right? And I look over at Fred, feeling guilty, being like, "Oh I must be a bloody joy to walk with right now."

    然後我看著 Fred,感到內疚,心想:「哦,現在我要高興的散步。」

  • So basically what I'm trying to say is that optimism attracts; negativity repels.


  • And now I want to continue to explore this topic with you all, mainly besides looks.


  • What else is there?


  • What does science say about interpersonal attraction?


  • [2. Reciprocal liking]

    [2. 互相喜歡]

  • So there's this thing called reciprocal liking, also known as reciprocory of attraction and I'm literally just going to read the definition for you off of Wikipedia because why not.


  • "It's the act of a person feeling an attraction to someone only upon learning or becoming aware of that person's attraction to themselves."


  • So picture this.


  • You are at a dinner with a few colleagues or something at this semi-new job of yours and you're sort of mingling a little bit but you're probably introverted so mostly you're just observing and listening.


  • And then your friend comes up to you and says, "Hey, so Anna said that she really liked your presentation. She could relate to it a lot and she thinks you're super cool."

    然後你的朋友走過來對你說:「嘿,Anna 說她真的很喜歡你的報告。她對此有很多共鳴,她認為你超級酷。」

  • You are more likely to like Anna now than you were before you heard that information.

    你現在比聽到這些資訊之前更有可能喜歡 Anna。

  • And oftentimes, reciprocal liking can affect our choice of whom we have relationships with, including romantic, sexual, and platonic.


  • We as humans are naturally more attracted to those who express positive emotions towards us.


  • So simply knowing that someone is attracted to us can induce this reciprocal interest.


  • So basically in simple terms, we tend to prefer people who seem to like us as much as we like them.


  • And I think it's good having this information because if you're trying to connect with someone or you want them to like you, showing them that you appreciate and like them can be a good and important first step.


  • Now reciprocal liking can also be indicated non-verbally.


  • [3. Body language] Let's talk about that specifically.

    [3. 肢體語言] 讓我們具體談談這一點。

  • So things like leaning forward and eye contact.


  • Now, I know that eye contact can be quite difficult for some people.


  • I know that. I used to struggle with it a lot back in the day,


  • but I do really believe that it is important to practice eye contact if it's something that you struggle with, because, for so many of us, it really is a way to feel that connection with someone.


  • So I remember once upon a long time ago, I was briefly dating someone. I think we went on three dates in total.

    所以我記得很久以前,我和某人短暫約會過。 我想我們總共約會了三次。

  • And during those three dates in total, I don't think I was able to make direct eye contact for more than one minute with this person.


  • I remember I tried making it happen but it didn't and it wasn't even just eye contact.


  • I remember he would lean back a lot during our conversations and he would look around instead of looking at me when I was talking.


  • And it wasn't a question of is he into me because he wanted to continue seeing me, but for these reasons, I felt like he didn't actually see me personally.


  • I would prefer someone telling me (if I'm dating them for example) like, "Hey, just so you know, I'm really into you but I just have a hard time with eye contact."


  • [4. Positive affective presence]

    [4. 正向的情感存在]

  • Having positive affective presence


  • Basically, the way that a person tends to make others feel is what researchers call affective presence.


  • Those with positive affective presence make other people feel good even if they personally are, let's say, anxious or sad.


  • And I think we all know someone like that, and the opposite of that is true as well with negative affective presence, and we all know someone like that as well.


  • Sometimes, we are that person.


  • Now, the former type of person unsurprisingly tend to have more friends and romantic interests.


  • Now, how do some people make others feel so good or at ease simply by their presence, and how can we be more like that?


  • So from what I've read, it doesn't seem to be exactly known, but one finding is that a big part of affective presence may be how people regulate emotions.


  • Those of others and those of their own.


  • So basically, you can ask yourself, you know, how do I tend to regulate myself when I experience, for example, a bit of annoyance and I'm around other people?


  • Do I infect everyone else with what I'm feeling? Can you find something good in the situation instead of focusing on the bad, for example?

    我的感受是否感染了其他人? 例如,你能否在這種情況下找到好的一面,而不是專注在壞的一面?

  • Now this can also be negative in the way that you are suppressing your own emotions just to keep other people comfortable.


  • So I think it's a bit of a fine line here.


  • Now, this trait, I guess, isn't always necessarily good or used for good.


  • Some people are professionals at regulating their feelings and use this expertise to get others to like them.


  • So being manipulative.


  • [5. We like what we understand]

    [5. 我們喜歡我們所理解的]

  • So we like being understood, but we can also feel more attracted to someone when we feel like we understand them.


  • So, I remember there was this girl. We were kind of in the same friend group-ish. We were acquaintances. I think I had seen her maybe five or six times.

    所以,我記得有一個女孩。 我們有點像在同一個朋友圈裡。 我們是熟人。 我想我大概見過她五、六次。

  • And I never had a proper conversation with her. It was very surface-level. I felt like I never really connected with her, not that I was putting a ton of effort into doing that, but that was just the way that it was.


  • And then one time I remember we were alone, and suddenly, she opened up a bit about her experience of moving to a new town and how that could make her feel lonely at times.


  • And I could relate to that feeling because I had moved to a new town, a new country.


  • And from that conversation alone, I liked her more because I felt more connected to her.


  • I felt like I was understanding where she was coming from and she was understanding me.


  • And this is not necessarily about oversharing every part of your life in the hopes that someone is going to pick up on something and be like, "Hey, I relate to you," and then you're going to become friends.


  • But I do genuinely believe that it is more difficult to connect with people when you're very closed off.


  • So I think opening up by just testing the waters, sharing something about yourself, and seeing how someone else responds can be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.


The other day, I saw a woman that I was attracted to.


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