And here's what happened.

事情是這樣的。

[1. Optimism]

[1. 樂觀]

So, I was out walking Fred in a very cold, snowy Stockholm.

所以，我在非常寒冷、白雪皚皚的斯德哥爾摩遛 Fred 。

I was going to just to take him around the neighbourhood for a quick stroll and then hurry back inside.

我本來打算帶他在附近逛逛，然後趕緊回去。

And the cold wind was causing my eyes to water and my vision to become slightly blurry.

冷風吹得我的眼睛流淚，視線變得有些模糊。

"Just go poop already!"

「快去大便吧！」

"Why do I even live in this cold climate?"

「為什麼我要生活在這麼寒冷的氣候裡？」

I was mumbling to myself like a bitter old lady.

我像個苦命的老太太一樣喃喃自語。

And so as I kept my head down to protect my face from the wind, my bitter bubble was burst by the voice of a woman from a few meters ahead who was making child-like noises like, "Whoo and shoo."

於是，當我低著頭保護臉免受風吹時，我苦澀的泡沫被前方幾米處一個女人的聲音打破了，她發出「呼呼」之類的孩子般的聲音。

So I look up and indeed it was a woman walking hand in hand with a child looked about three.

於是我抬頭一看，確實是一個女人手牽著一個看起來大約三歲的孩子一起走。

And this woman was jumping around and playfully kicking in the snow.

這個女生在雪地裡跳來跳去，嬉戲地踢著。

And then I overhear her child asking, "But, Mom, when is it going to rain? "

我無意中聽到她的孩子問她：「可是媽媽，什麼時候會下雨呢？」

And this woman replies saying, "It's going to rain when it's a few degrees warmer, but as for now, let's enjoy the snow."

她回答說：「氣溫再高幾度就會下雨，但是現在，讓我們欣賞雪景吧。」

"What a lucky child," I thought to myself to have a mother with such a positive outlook on life.

「真是個幸運的孩子。」我心裡想，有一個對於人生如此樂觀觀的母親。

I wanted to be more like her and I wanted her to be my friend.

我想變得更像她，我希望她成為我的朋友。

And then there was me, right? And I look over at Fred, feeling guilty, being like, "Oh I must be a bloody joy to walk with right now."

然後我看著 Fred，感到內疚，心想：「哦，現在我要高興的散步。」

So basically what I'm trying to say is that optimism attracts; negativity repels.

我想說的是，樂觀會吸引人，消極會排斥人。

And now I want to continue to explore this topic with you all, mainly besides looks.

而現在我想和大家繼續探討這個話題，主要是除了外表之外。

What else is there?

除了外表，還有什麼？

What does science say about interpersonal attraction?

科學對人際吸引力有何看法？

[2. Reciprocal liking]

[2. 互相喜歡]

So there's this thing called reciprocal liking, also known as reciprocory of attraction and I'm literally just going to read the definition for you off of Wikipedia because why not.

有一種叫做相互喜歡的東西，也稱為相互吸引力，我要從維基百科上為你唸一下定義，因為為什麼不呢？

"It's the act of a person feeling an attraction to someone only upon learning or becoming aware of that person's attraction to themselves."

「這是一個人只有在學習或意識到某人對自己的吸引力後才感受到對某人的吸引力的行為。」

So picture this.

想象一下，

You are at a dinner with a few colleagues or something at this semi-new job of yours and you're sort of mingling a little bit but you're probably introverted so mostly you're just observing and listening.

你在這份相對新的工作中參加了一個晚餐，和一些同事一起，你可能有在稍微社交，但你可能是個內向的人，所以主要是在觀察和聆聽。

And then your friend comes up to you and says, "Hey, so Anna said that she really liked your presentation. She could relate to it a lot and she thinks you're super cool."

然後你的朋友走過來對你說：「嘿，Anna 說她真的很喜歡你的報告。她對此有很多共鳴，她認為你超級酷。」

You are more likely to like Anna now than you were before you heard that information.

你現在比聽到這些資訊之前更有可能喜歡 Anna。

And oftentimes, reciprocal liking can affect our choice of whom we have relationships with, including romantic, sexual, and platonic.

很多時候，相互喜歡會影響我們對交往對象的選擇，包括浪漫的、性的和柏拉圖式的。

We as humans are naturally more attracted to those who express positive emotions towards us.

人們自然會被那些對自己表達正面情緒的人所吸引。

So simply knowing that someone is attracted to us can induce this reciprocal interest.

知道有人對自己有吸引力，就能引起這種互相的興趣。

So basically in simple terms, we tend to prefer people who seem to like us as much as we like them.

簡單來說，我們傾向喜歡那些似乎和我們一樣喜歡彼此的人。

And I think it's good having this information because if you're trying to connect with someone or you want them to like you, showing them that you appreciate and like them can be a good and important first step.

我認為擁有這些資訊很好，因為如果你想與某人建立聯繫或希望他們喜歡你，向他們表明你欣賞並喜歡他們可能是良好而重要的第一步。

Now reciprocal liking can also be indicated non-verbally.

相互的喜歡也可以透過非語言的方式表達出來。

[3. Body language] Let's talk about that specifically.

[3. 肢體語言] 讓我們具體談談這一點。

So things like leaning forward and eye contact.

例如身體前傾和眼神交流。

Now, I know that eye contact can be quite difficult for some people.

我知道眼神交流對某些人來說可能相當困難。

I know that. I used to struggle with it a lot back in the day,

我知道。過去我曾經很難應對這個問題，

but I do really believe that it is important to practice eye contact if it's something that you struggle with, because, for so many of us, it really is a way to feel that connection with someone.

但我真的相信，如果眼神交流是你的困擾之一，練習眼神交流是很重要的，因為對很多人來說，這確實是建立與他人連結的一種方式。

So I remember once upon a long time ago, I was briefly dating someone. I think we went on three dates in total.

所以我記得很久以前，我和某人短暫約會過。 我想我們總共約會了三次。

And during those three dates in total, I don't think I was able to make direct eye contact for more than one minute with this person.

在這三次約會中，我記得我跟這個人的眼神交流不超過一分鐘。

I remember I tried making it happen but it didn't and it wasn't even just eye contact.

我記得我試過嘗試讓它發生，但沒成功，而且不僅僅是眼神交流。

I remember he would lean back a lot during our conversations and he would look around instead of looking at me when I was talking.

我記得我們講話的時候，他經常往後靠，而當我講話時，他總是四處張望，而不是看著我。

And it wasn't a question of is he into me because he wanted to continue seeing me, but for these reasons, I felt like he didn't actually see me personally.

這不是一個「他對我有沒有興趣」的問題，因為他想要繼續跟我見面，但是因為這些原因，我感覺他其實並沒有真的想要見我。

I would prefer someone telling me (if I'm dating them for example) like, "Hey, just so you know, I'm really into you but I just have a hard time with eye contact."

我寧願有人告訴我（例如，如果我正在與他們約會），像是：「嘿，只是讓你知道，我對你很感興趣，但我只是在眼神交流方面有點困難。」

[4. Positive affective presence]

[4. 正向的情感存在]

Having positive affective presence

正向的情緒風采。

Basically, the way that a person tends to make others feel is what researchers call affective presence.

基本上，一個人通常讓其他人感覺到自己感受的方式是研究人員所謂的情緒風采。

Those with positive affective presence make other people feel good even if they personally are, let's say, anxious or sad.

那些具有正面情緒風采的人，即使他們個人可能感到焦慮或悲傷，也會讓其他人感到愉快。

And I think we all know someone like that, and the opposite of that is true as well with negative affective presence, and we all know someone like that as well.

我們都認識這樣的人，相反的情況也是真實的，有些人的情情緒風采可能是負面的，我們也都認識這樣的人。

Sometimes, we are that person.

有時，我們就是那個人。

Now, the former type of person unsurprisingly tend to have more friends and romantic interests.

不出所料，前一種人通常會有更多的朋友和對他在情感方面有興趣的人。

Now, how do some people make others feel so good or at ease simply by their presence, and how can we be more like that?

有些人僅僅通過他們的存在就能讓其他人感到如此愉快或自在，我們如何才能更像他們呢？

So from what I've read, it doesn't seem to be exactly known, but one finding is that a big part of affective presence may be how people regulate emotions.

根據我所讀的內容，似乎並不確切知道，但有一個發現是，情緒風采的一個重要部分可能是人們如何調節情緒。

Those of others and those of their own.

人們知道如何調節自己還有他人的情緒。

So basically, you can ask yourself, you know, how do I tend to regulate myself when I experience, for example, a bit of annoyance and I'm around other people?

所以基本上，你可以問自己，當我遇到一些煩惱時，例如，當我和其他人在一起時，我會如何調節自己？

Do I infect everyone else with what I'm feeling? Can you find something good in the situation instead of focusing on the bad, for example?

我的感受是否感染了其他人？ 例如，你能否在這種情況下找到好的一面，而不是專注在壞的一面？

Now this can also be negative in the way that you are suppressing your own emotions just to keep other people comfortable.

情緒風采這也可能是負面的，因為你為了讓別人舒服而壓抑自己的情緒。

So I think it's a bit of a fine line here.

所以我認為這有點微妙的平衡。

Now, this trait, I guess, isn't always necessarily good or used for good.

我想，這種特質並不總是好的，也不一定能用於好的方面。

Some people are professionals at regulating their feelings and use this expertise to get others to like them.

有些人擅長調節自己的情緒，並利用這種特質讓別人喜歡他們。

So being manipulative.

所以具有操縱性。

[5. We like what we understand]

[5. 我們喜歡我們所理解的]

So we like being understood, but we can also feel more attracted to someone when we feel like we understand them.

所以我們喜歡被理解，但當我們覺得自己理解某人時，我們也會感到更被他們吸引。

So, I remember there was this girl. We were kind of in the same friend group-ish. We were acquaintances. I think I had seen her maybe five or six times.

所以，我記得有一個女孩。 我們有點像在同一個朋友圈裡。 我們是熟人。 我想我大概見過她五、六次。

And I never had a proper conversation with her. It was very surface-level. I felt like I never really connected with her, not that I was putting a ton of effort into doing that, but that was just the way that it was.

我從來沒有與她進行過正式的對話。都是非常表面的。我感覺我從來沒有真正與她建立起連結，並非我沒有付出努力，而是事實就是這樣。

And then one time I remember we were alone, and suddenly, she opened up a bit about her experience of moving to a new town and how that could make her feel lonely at times.

然後有一次我記得我們獨處，突然間，她稍微打開心扉，談到她搬到新城鎮的經歷，以及這有時會讓她感到孤獨。

And I could relate to that feeling because I had moved to a new town, a new country.

我能理解那種感覺，因為我曾經搬到一個新城鎮、一個新的國家。

And from that conversation alone, I liked her more because I felt more connected to her.

單單從那次對話中，我更喜歡她了，因為我感到與她建立了更多的聯繫。

I felt like I was understanding where she was coming from and she was understanding me.

我覺得我理解她的想法，她也理解我。

And this is not necessarily about oversharing every part of your life in the hopes that someone is going to pick up on something and be like, "Hey, I relate to you," and then you're going to become friends.

這不一定是過度分享你生活的每一部分，希望有人會發現一些事情並說，「嘿，我和你有關聯」然後你們就會成為朋友。

But I do genuinely believe that it is more difficult to connect with people when you're very closed off.

但我確實相信，當你非常封閉時，與人溝通會更加困難。

So I think opening up by just testing the waters, sharing something about yourself, and seeing how someone else responds can be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

所以我認為，透過試水溫、分享一些關於自己的事情、看看別人的反應來敞開心扉，可以成為一段美好友誼的開始。