Living the American life, it's crazy.

過著美國生活，非常瘋狂。

I actually learned to drive out here which was fun.

實際上，我在這裡學會了開車，這很有趣。

Have to get a car obviously.

顯然必須買車。

Which I just almost couldn't get.

但我幾乎無法買到。

You have to fill out form and they want your credit because in America, credit is very important.

你必須填寫表格，他們想要你的信用紀錄，因為在美國，信用非常重要。

I don't understand the concept.

我不理解這個概念。

I went to the car dealership and there was this Asian gentleman helping me.

我去了汽車經銷商那裡，有一位亞裔先生在幫我。

And we are going through the forms and he says, "How long have you lived in America for?"

我們正在填寫表格，他說：「你在美國住了多久？」

I said , "I haven't lived here for long."

我說：「我在這裡住的時間不長。」

He said, "Oh, this no good for you, this no good for you."

他說：「哦，這對你不太有利，這對你不太有利。」

I said, "What do you mean?"

我說：「你什麼意思？」

He said, "No, you can not lease car in America unless you been here long time. Because then you don't have credit, okay?"

他說：「不，除非你在這裡待了很長時間，否則你不能在美國租車。因為你沒有信用紀錄，好嗎？」

I said, "Well, I've got the money to pay for it."

我說：「但我有錢付啊。」

He said, "Yeah, that's not the point, okay? That's not the point in America, okay?

他說：「對，這不是問題的關鍵。在美國，錢不是重點。

In this country we want credit, okay?

在這個國家，我們要的是信用，好嗎？

Our country focus on credit.

我國注重信用。

If you got good credit, you can buy anything We don't care about money, we want credit. "

只要信用良好，什麼都能買到，我們不在乎錢，我們要的是信用。」

I said, "Well, credit is the assumption that you can pay back the money.

我說過：「信用是你可以還錢的假設。」

He's like, "No, no. That don't count here, okay?

他說：「不，在這不算。

In our country, if you got good credit, you can buy anything, okay?

在我國，只要信用良好，什麼都能買到，好嗎？」

He's like, "Our country, our country."

他一直說「我們的國家」。

And I was like, "Look, I hate to be rude but when you say our country, do you mean our because you live here now or our because the Chinese own it?"

所以我說：「聽著，我不想無理，但當你說『我們國家』你的意思是因為你現在住在這裡嗎，還是因為現在中國人擁有這個國家？」

And he was like, "Ah, it's a bit of both, okay? But no credit for you, no car. Goodbye"

他就說：「兩者都有吧。但是，沒有信用，你就沒有車，再見？」

I couldn't just buy myself a car, this horrible thing, drive around and that's the worst thing, driving in America, wow.

我不能給自己買輛車，這太可怕了，開車到處走走，這是最糟糕的事情，在美國開車，哇。

On the other side of the road, you feel like a rebel, you know?

在路的另一邊，你覺得自己像個叛逆者，你知道嗎？

Until you see the other cars coming and then it's not so much fun.

直到你看到其他車來了，然後就沒那麼有趣了。

You know how many times I did that just going to the wrong side?

你知道我做過多少次這樣的事嗎？

Ugh!

唉！

And don't trust movies, it's not easy to do that whole thing.

不要相信電影，要做到像他們那樣一點都不容易。

No, no. People don't just drive, no, they stop, they just look at you, "What are you doing!"

真的。 大家不會開走，不會，他們會停下來，就看著你說：「你在做什麼！」

"In the movies you drive past." "What are you doing!"

「在電影裡你們都會開過去啊。」「你在幹什麼！」

"Aren't you suppose to...?"

「你不是應該...？」

No, they don't drive, they just wait for you to turn around and the streets are so small, you're doing one of those turns, just watching them and you're ashamed, its horrible.

不會，他們不會開走，就等著你掉頭，但是街道太小，你在轉彎的時候看著他們，然後感到很丟臉，太可怕了。

I had to practice for months, it was the worst.

我必須練習好幾個月，這是最糟糕的。

I remember I drove into a street once.

我記得有一次我開車衝進了一條街。

I thought I had learned, it had been months and I'd been doing it well and then I turned into the wrong way and I saw this little old Asian lady driving towards me, and I was like, "No!"

我以為我已經學會了，已經幾個月了，我一直做得很好，然後我拐錯了路，我看到一位亞洲老太太朝我駛來，我當時想：「不！」

And there was nobody else so I swerved the car around, I was like, "Woo, yeah, hero!"

沒有其他人，所以我把車轉了個方向我當時就想：「耶，我是英雄！」

And I drove and there were 50 cars coming this way, and I was like, "Ugh, you bitch! Ugh!"

我繼續開，然後看到有 50 輛車向這邊駛來我當時想：「你這個臭婊子！啊！」

And I told my friend this story.

我告訴我的朋友這個故事

I told him this, "Oh, this is what happened," and he was like, "Ah, that's so funny, man, that's so funny,"

我告訴他：「事情是這樣」然後他說：「這太好笑了，兄弟，這太好笑了。」

And he's like, "Who was driving the car?"

他問：「是誰開車？」

I said a little old Asian lady.

我說是一位亞洲老太太。

He's like, "Oh yeah, you cant say that, man, you can't. You cant say that."

他說：「你不能這麼說，兄弟，你不能。」

I said, "What do you mean?"

我說：「你什麼意思？」

He's like, "Yeah, you can't say she's Asian."

他說：「你不能說她是亞洲人。」

I said, "Why not?"

我說：「為什麼不呢？」

He's like, "Yeah, because that's racist."

他說：「因為那是種族歧視。」

I said, "What, that she's Asian?"

我說：「什麼，說她是亞洲人是歧視？」

He's like, "No, if she's a bad driver and you say she's Asian, that's racist."

他說：「不，如果她是個糟糕的駕駛而你卻說她是亞洲人，這就是種族歧視。」

I was like, "So let me get this straight. Asian's are not allowed to be called bad drivers?

我說：「所以讓我搞清楚。亞洲人不可以被稱為糟糕的駕駛嗎？」

Is this not racism in itself? Everyone else is allowed the world of bad drivers, but if I'm driving on the freeway behind an Asian person and they are swerving around,

這本身不就是種族歧視嗎？ 其他人都被允許說是不好的駕駛，但如果我在高速公路上開車在一個亞洲人後面，而他們卻突然轉向，

and I go, "This bad driver you drive like crap!" and I pull up next to them like, "Oh no, sorry, ha ha. You're not a bad driver, you're just Asian. I'm sorry

我說：「這個糟糕的駕駛你開得像垃圾一樣！」然後我把車停在他們旁邊說：「哦，不，對不起，哈哈。你不是一個糟糕的駕駛，你只是亞洲人。我很抱歉。」

Isn't it racism in itself?

這本身不就是種族歧視嗎？

It's madness.

瘋了。

So now what I had to do to get around is use a GPS.

所以現在我不得不使用 GPS

I decided to get one of those.

我決定買一個。

First I tried to be a cheapskate.

本來我想做一個吝嗇鬼。

I thought get a phone with a GPS was a horrible mistake.

我認為購買有 GPS 的手機是一個可怕的錯誤。

Bought myself one of those iPhones with Siri; your assistant, she talks to you, she listens to you, if you're American.

給自己買了一部有 Siri 的 iPhone； Siri 是你的助理，她會跟你說話，她會聽你說話，前提你要是美國人。

She does not understand one word I say.

我說的她一個字都聽不懂。

I don't understand why, I speak English.

我不明白為什麼，我說的是英語啊。

I'm there talking to her.

我和她說話。

She's like, "What do you need?"

她說：「你需要什麼？」

I'm like, "Siri, please call Peter."

我說：「Siri，請給彼得打電話。」

"You want pizza?"

「你要披薩嗎？」

"No, no, cancel, cancel."

「不，不，取消，取消。」

"Siri, I need Peter."

「Siri 我需要打給彼得。」

"You want pizza?"

「你要披薩嗎？」

"No, Siri, Siri, I want Peter not pizza."

「不，Siri，我要彼得，不要比薩。」

"You want pizza?"

「你要披薩嗎？」

"No, no, no, Siri, what's going on here?"

「不，Siri，這是怎麼回事？」

"You are not making sense." "Siri, are you having a attitude at me?"

「你這話沒有道理。」「Siri，你是對我甩態嗎？」

"You tell me?" "I don't know what the hell is going on here."

「你說呢？」「我不知道這到底是怎麼回事。」

"Siri, just listen to me."

「Siri，聽我說。」

"I don't know" "What do you mean you don't know?"

「我不知道。」「你說你不知道是什麼意思？」

"Siri just, ah bitch! Ugh!"

「Siri 就... 臭婊子！」

"Dialing mom." "What the hell?!"

「撥通媽媽的電話。」「搞什麼鬼？」

It's just horrible

太可怕了。

I had to buckle down and get myself a real GPS to get me around.

我才不得不下定決心，給自己買了一個真正的 GPS 帶我四處轉轉。

Which has been working like a charm

他運作的很正常ㄡ

If you don't have a GPS, get yourself one. It's the best thing you'll ever do.

如果你沒有 GPS，那就給自己買一個吧，這會是你做過最好的事情。

Just don't make the mistake I made; buy it from Craigslist.

只是不要犯我所犯的錯； 從 Craigslist 購買。

I bought one of Craigslist and the guy who sold it to me didn't tell me that it was a Spanish language GPS, which is not so good.

我在 Craigslist 上買了一個，賣給我的人沒有告訴我這是西班牙語 GPS，這不太好。

I didn't understand anything she says.

我聽不懂她說什麼。

Look, I still get around because the arrows are in English, thank God.

但我還是可以到處去，因為箭頭是英文的，感謝上帝。

But otherwise, it was just horrible.

但除此之外就太可怕了。

And I hated it the first few days, and then I fell in love with her, she's just, you know.

開始幾天我很討厭它，後來然後我就愛上了她，他非常，你知道的。

I don't understand why more Americans don't speak Spanish. It's such a sexy language.

我不明白為什麼更多的美國人不會說西班牙語，這真是一種性感的語言。

I'm just sitting there, like all the men in here, you want to feel like a man, you get yourself a Spanish GPS.

我就坐在那裡，在場的所有男人，如果你想感覺自己是個男人，就給自己買一個西班牙的 GPS。

Oh no, you don't understand.

哦，不，你不明白。

Traffic never sounded sexier, just like,

通從來沒有聽起來這麼性感過，就像，

I was punching random destinations and she guides me around, she's like,

我隨意輸入目的地，她就會帶我四處轉轉，他會說：

(GPS Speaking Spanish)

(GPS 講西班牙語）

And I'm just like.

我就會像這樣。

"Oh, shucks, TomTom. Don't say that all the time."

「喔拜託，TomTom，別總是這樣說。」

It's just sexy, you know?

就是很性感。

She guides me around, it's beautiful. I love that.

她帶我四處參觀，太美了。我很愛。

I'm going to learn Spanish because of that, definitely.

因為如此我定要來學習西班牙語。

Spanish has gone up on my list.

西班牙語在我的清單上排名上升了。

I had a few languages and Spanish was like the 6th language.

我有幾個語言在清單上了，西班牙語是第 6 種語言。

I spoke 4 languages in South Africa, and then the 5th language was going to be Japanese and then Spanish, but now Spanish has gone up.

我在南非會說 4 種語言，然後第五種語言是日語，然後是西班牙語，但現在西班牙語的排名往前了。

Japanese I've had to pause because of the earthquake, there's not that many of them traveling now.

日文由於地震我不得不暫停，現在出門的人已經不多了。

It's just sad, there's like no one now, they used to walk around the streets, you know.

很遺憾，現在幾乎沒有人了，他們過去常常在街上走來走去，你知道。

But Spanish has gone up

但西班牙語的排名往前了。

Because I was getting good at Japanese, don't get me wrong. I was getting really good.

因為我的日語越來越好，別誤會我的意思，我講的很好。

And it's a great language, it's powerful because you speak Japanese from your chest, it makes you feel strong.

這是一門很棒的語言，它很強大，因為日語是用胸腔說話，它讓你感覺很強大。

(Speaking Japanese)

（日語）

Very strong.

非常強大。

Whereas English you speak from the head and the chest.

而英語是用頭和胸部說話。

Do you know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

Your speak head and chest.

你的頭和胸部。

You wouldn't know this, you wouldn't know this if you listened to many coastal girls in America.

你不會知道這一點，除非你聽過很多美國沿海女孩的話。

Like I've been in places like California, where woman insist on speaking English from their nose, which is not the correct way.

像我去過加州這樣的地方，那裡的女人堅持用鼻子說英語，這不是正確的方式。

"Yeahm like oh my God, you guys gonna like this, and I was like there with Tiffany and we were talking."

「天哪，你們會喜歡這個的，我就和蒂芙尼在一起，我們正在聊天。」

That's not the right way, you're not using your lungs.

這不是正確的方法，你沒有用到你的肺。

I know this because when I choked her, she sounded exactly the same.

我會知道是因為當我掐住她的脖子時，她的聲音一模一樣。

And she's like, "Oh my God, you're like totally choking me right now and I can't breath and this is so not on, I'm so gonna Tweet about this. this is like the worst thing ever. I am so dying, OMG."

她就說：「天哪，你現在完全讓我窒息，我無法呼吸，這太不合適了，我要發推文談論這件事。這就像有史以來最糟糕的事情。我是快死了，天哪。」

You know, it's horrible whereas Japanese is strong.

你知道，這太可怕了。日文很強大。

Japanese you speak from the chest, you know?

日本人是用胸腔說話的，你知道嗎？

A lot of Americans are learning Chinese.

我看到很多美國人在學習中文。

You know, Chinese, I see people like, "You gotta learn Chinese, they are taking over, Chinese."

你知道，中文，我看到有人說：「你得學會中文，他們正在接管世界。」

"Ni hao ma! Shieh shieh ni."

「你好嗎！謝謝你！」

It's too late to learn Chinese, it's over.

現在學中文太晚了，已經來不及了。

No, it's true, because it's also one of the hardest languages in the world.

不，是真的，因為它也是世界上最難的語言之一。

I mean how do you learn Chinese now?

我是說，你現在怎麼學中文？

They've got over 10 thousand characters in their alphabet, you know this?

他們的字母表中有一萬多個字元，你知道嗎？

10 thousand characters.

一萬個。

We've got 26 in English and there's still people going, "What comes after Q."

英語有 26 個英語，但還有人在問 "Q "之後是什麼？

Twenty six.

二十六個。

10 thousands they have got. That's super smart.

他們擁有的一萬個。他們非常聰明。

They must have the worst Sesame Street in the world.

他們的芝麻街一定是世界上最糟糕的芝麻街。

It must suck being a Muppet in that country.

在那個國家當 Muppet 一定很賭爛。

I can see them on a Monday morning singing to the kids,

我想像他們在週一早上唱歌給孩子聽，

(singing in Chinese)

（用中文唱歌）

5 years later.

5 年後。

(singing in Chinese)

（用中文唱歌）

it's just horrible.

太可怕了。

Horrible.

太可怕了。