You realize a lot of things, great things that happened in your life and terrible things that happened in your life.

你會意識到很多事情，你生命中發生過的偉大事情，以及你生命中發生過的可怕事情。

And one thing that stood out to me is my parents never told me they love me till I was 29 years old.

有一件事讓我印象深刻，那就是我的父母從未告訴過我，他們愛我，直到我 29 歲。

And it really messed with me in the hospital, right?

這讓我在醫院裡很難受，對嗎？

So before I get into that story, I gotta tell you about my parents.

在我進入故事之前，我得先跟你說說我的父母。

If you haven't seen my last special, my dad is black, born and raised in Louisiana, has a PhD in nuclear physics and served our country in the Army, people. Right.

如果你還沒看過我的上一個特別節目，我的父親是黑人，在路易斯安那州出生長大，擁有核子物理學博士學位，並在軍隊為我們的國家服務。 正確的。

Now, in the last special, he was 75. Now, he's 78, and he hasn't changed.

現在，在上一期特別節目中，他75歲了。現在，他78歲了，他沒有改變。

He's still black and half swag.

他仍然是黑人，還是屌屌的。

He still walks around the house like this.

他還是這樣在家裡走來走去。

You know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

And he's always laughing like.

他總是笑著說。

And always pointing at random shit that's not there.

還總是隨便指指那些不存在的東西。

Now my mom, she was born and raised in Korea, south side.

我媽媽在韓國的南部出生長大。

Now we know who doesn't watch the news in his room.

現在我們知道這裡面誰不看新聞了。

I said it in my last special, Blasian.

我在上一次特別節目中說過，Blasian。

It's tough having an Asian mom 'cause if they think it, they say it. They have no filter.

有一個亞洲媽媽很不容易，因為如果她們這麼想，就會說出來。 他們沒有濾鏡。

My mom just turned 70, and now all bets are off.

我媽媽剛滿 70 歲，現在一切都不重要了。

She does not care.

她不在乎。

I never thought my mom could be worse.

我從沒想過我媽媽會變得更糟。

My mom won't even say people's names to me anymore because she would rather describe them to me.

我媽媽甚至不再對我說別人的名字，因為她寧願用「描述」的。

She calls me the other day and goes, "You know what, I like your friend. He's nice."

有一天她打電話給我，說：「我喜歡你的朋友。他很好。」

I go, "Which one?"

我說：「哪一個？」

She goes, "Fat boy, small feet."

她說：「胖小子，小腳。」

But I knew exactly who she was talking about because with my mom, my mom will say things to make you mad.

但我很清楚她說的是誰，因為我的媽媽會說一些讓你生氣的話。

She will say things that make you wanna fight.

她會說一些讓你想打架的話。

But my mom feels, really feels, that she can say anything to anybody 'cause "It's the truth. It's the truth."

但我媽媽真的覺得，她可以對任何人說任何話，因為「這是真的，這是真的。」

"Oh, you don't like truth? Why are you mad? It's the truth. Do I lie? Do I lie?"

「哦，你不喜歡事實？你為什麼生氣？ 我說謊嗎？ 我撒謊了嗎？」

My mom got in a fight with my wife.

我媽媽和我妻子吵了一架。

Now, full transparency, my wife cooks, like, once every couple of you know, once a, once.

我要坦白，我妻子做飯，就像你們每對夫婦都知道的那樣，偶爾一次。

So my mom walks into our new house and goes, "Oh, what a beautiful kitchen for no cooking."

我媽媽走進我們的新房子，說「哦，對不煮飯的來說真是個好漂亮的廚房。」

I go, "Mom, you can't say that in my house, nuh-uh, not to my wife.

我說：「媽媽，在我家可不能這麼說。不能對我妻子這樣。」

She goes, "Why? It's the truth, it's the truth. You don't like the truth?"

她說，「為什麼？這是事實啊，是事實。你不喜事實嗎？」

And then to me and my wife, she goes, "Do I lie? Do I lie?"

然後她對我和我妻子說：「我撒謊了嗎？我撒謊了嗎？」

I look at my dad for help.

我向爸爸求助。

He's like, "Walk away, son, walk away. Heh, heh, heh, heh."

他就說：「走開就好了兒子，走開。」

My wife, she's white.

我妻子是白人

Oh, it got quiet.

哦，安靜下來了。

Ok.

好的。

But my wife is just not white.

但我的妻子不是單純白人。

She white-white.

她非常白的白人。

Now, I know a lot of people in here are white, and you're questioning yourselves right now going, "Am I white-white?"

我知道這裡很多人都是白人，你們現在正在質疑自己：「我是很白的白人嗎？」

No. My wife is whiter than you.

不，我妻子比你白。

My wife is from Gillette, Wyoming white.

我妻子的白是懷俄明州的吉列特懷特那種白。

You hear that? When white people into me like, "Damn. That's white."

你聽到白人這麼對我我：「乾，真白。」

But we got a beautiful family, man; we got two kids.

但我們有了一個美滿的家庭，我們有兩個孩子。

My son is now five, my daughter's two, and they're Black, white, and Asian.That's right, that's right.

我的兒子現在五歲了。我的女兒兩歲了，她們是黑人、白人和亞洲人的混血。沒錯。

We gave birth to pandas.

我們生下了熊貓。

We call 'em Ling Ling and Hsing Hsing.

我們叫它們「玲玲」和「興興」。

In my last special, I talked about this when my son was born 'cause I didn't have a daughter at that time when my son was born, and the doctor handed me my son.

在我的上一個特別節目中，我談到了我兒子出生時的情況，因為在我兒子出生時，我還沒有女兒，醫生把我的兒子交給了我。

It's crazy as a father 'cause I knew I would die for him, right, and I don't even know this dude.

作為父親，這太瘋狂了，因為我知道我會為他而死，對嗎？我甚至都不認識這傢伙。

He could be a terrible human being, but I would die for him, you know?

他可能是個可怕的人，但我願意為他去死，你知道嗎？

But when they handed me my daughter, oh, it was different.

但當他們把女兒交給我時，情況就不一樣了。

I was like, "Oh, OK. OK. I would kill for you."

我當時想：「哦，好吧。好的。 我願意為你殺人。」

I became a murderer overnight 'cause the family dynamic to me is crazy, like I would die for my son, I would kill for my daughter, but here's what's crazy.

我一夜之間成了殺人犯，因為對我來說，這個家庭的動態太瘋狂了，我願意為我的兒子去死，我會為我的女兒殺人，但最瘋狂的是，

I wouldn't kill for my wife 'cause that's not my job.

我不會為我的妻子殺人，因為那不是我的工作。

That's her father's job.

那是她父親的工作。

I don't want to step on anybody's toes.

我不想冒犯任何人。

Because I love both of my kids the same. But the love is in different directions.

我對兩個孩子的愛都是一樣，但愛的方向不同。

My son, I want him to be able to take care of himself, be strong.

我的兒子，我希望他能照顧好自己，變得堅強。

But I know for the rest of my life, I'm going to protect my daughter 100%.

但我知道，在我有生之年，我會百分之百地保護我的女兒。

And what's the biggest threat to women? - Men.

女性面臨的最大威脅是什麼？-男人。

Look at that. Men.

看。就是男人。

So now I hate all men.

所以，現在我恨所有的男人。

I became a lesbian activist overnight, slash murderer.

我一夜之間成了女同性戀激進份子兼殺人犯。

I'm Ellen DeGeneres with a gun.

我是帶把的艾倫狄珍妮。

Because every man's a threat to my daughter. Every single man eventually will be a threat to my daughter.

因為每個男人都對我女兒構成威脅。 每個男人最終都會對我女兒構成威脅。

I hate my son. Sometimes I hate my son, why?

我恨我的兒子，有時我恨我的兒子。為什麼？

Because he's a threat to my daughter.

因為他是我女兒的威脅。

We all have baby cams and watching my kids play.

我們都有嬰兒監視器，看著我的孩子們玩耍。

My daughter is playing with her little toy.

我女兒正在玩她的小玩具。

My son walks over and grabs a toy from her.

我兒子走過去，從她手裡搶過一個玩具。

I get so angry.

我很生氣。

But then my daughter grabs it back and I'm like, "Yeah, that's my baby girl, right?"

但我女兒又把它搶了回來，我就說：「讚啦，我的寶貝女兒讚啦。」

Don't take no man's crap.

不要放任男人。

But then my son looks around to see if anybody's watching, starts backing up where she is and he hits her with his butt and she falls to the ground and starts crying.

但是，我兒子四處張望，看看有沒有人在看，然後開始往她所在的地方後退，他用屁股打了她一下，她就倒在地上哭了起來。

I get so angry inside.

我內心非常憤怒。

I'm so mad.

我很生氣。

I wanna fuck this little dude up, right?

我想搞死這個小傢伙，對吧？

But I can't, he's only five and it's not a fair fight.

但我不行，他才五歲，這不是一場公平的比賽。

It's not a fair fight.

這不是一場公平的戰鬥。

All I can do is scream and like, "Hey, you better stop that," and he runs off.

我只能大吼：「你最好別這樣」然後他就跑了。

But my daughter could hit my son with a brick in the face.

但我女兒可以用積木砸我兒子的臉。

I be like, "Hey, girl, good job, good job."

我會說：「嘿，姑娘，幹得好，幹得好。」

Because a daughter makes you a better man.

因為一個女兒，會讓你成為更好的男人。

100%, 100%.

百分百。

It makes you more empathetic.

它讓你更有同理心。

You care about people; you get sensitive.

你會關心他人，你會變得敏感。

I cry all the time now. All the time.

我現在經常哭。一直哭。

I don't even know why. My wife looks at me in disgust, I cry so much.

我甚至不知道為什麼。我妻子看我的眼神充滿厭惡，因為我一直哭。

She's like, "Why are you crying?"

她說：「你哭什麼？」

I'm like, "I don't know."

我說：「我不知道。」

I've never seen my dad cry once, but I cry all the time, and then it hit me.

我從沒見我爸爸哭過一次，但我卻一直在哭。

Every generation, a father gets softer and softer and softer.

然後我突然意識到，每一代父親都會變得越來越軟弱。

It means things are getting easier.

這意味著事情越來越簡單了。

My Black grandfather was born in 1902 in America.

我的黑人祖父於 1902 年出生在美國。

Went through injustices you couldn't even imagine.

經歷過的不公正你甚至無法想象。

My dad went through segregation, still got a PhD in nuclear physics, and had to march, had to march just to drink outta the same water fountains as everybody else.

我父親經歷了種族隔離，仍然獲得了核物理學博士學位，並且不得不遊行，不得不遊行只是為了和其他人一樣喝同一個飲水機。

- Woo. - That's right.

- 哇。- 沒錯，

Me? I would never drink out of a fountain. That shit's disgusting.

我？我絕不會喝飲水機裡的水。

But my dad, man, I can't take him to the park 'cause he has to drink outta every freaking fountain.

但是我爸爸，老兄，我不能帶他去公園，因為他必須從每個該死的飲水機喝水。

I'm like, "You fought for this?"

我說：「你為了這種東西鬥爭？」

He's like, "Sh, I deserve this, son, I deserve it."

他就像是：「這是我應得的，兒子，我應得的。」

I tell you, man. I'm going on six years of marriage, man.

告訴你，我結婚六年了。

My parents, though, they just celebrated 48 years of marriage.

不過我的父母，他們剛剛慶祝了 48 年的婚姻。

That's something to clap about.

這值得拍手。

So I asked my dad, I said, "Hey, man, uh, you've been married 48 years. How did you do it? How do you stay married that long?"

所以我問我爸爸，我說：「嘿，老爸，你已經結婚48年了。你是怎麼做到的？ 你是怎麼維持這麼久的婚姻生活的？」

My dad looks at me and goes, "That's simple, son. Never say the first or second thing that pops into your head. You always say the third."

我爸爸看著我說：「這很簡單，兒子。永遠不要說你腦海中閃現的第一句或第二句話，你總是說第三個。」

I go, "What's that mean?"

我說：「這是什麼意思？」

He goes, "Well, the first thing, you will get a divorce. The second thing, you'll on the couch. But the third thing happily ever after."

他說；「好吧，說第一個你會離婚，說第二個你會睡沙發上，但說第三個從此幸福快樂。」

I'm six years in, I don't get it until about a month ago.

我已經進入第六年了，直到一個月前我才明白。

Me and my wife were driving to Vegas.

我和妻子開車去拉斯維加斯。

She packs a cooler food for our two-year-old daughter.

她為我們兩歲的女兒準備了冷藏食品。

We get to Vegas.

我們到了拉斯維加斯。

My wife opens up the cooler and goes, "Oh my God, the food all melted."

我妻子打開冷藏箱，說：「天哪，食物都融化了。」

I look in the cooler and noticed she didn't put any ice in it.

我看了看冷藏箱，發現她沒有放冰塊。

You.

你。

I manned up though, you know. "Hey, baby, you didn't put any ice in the cooler."

不過我還是做好了準備，你知道的。「嘿，寶貝，你沒有在冷藏箱放冰塊。」

My wife looks at me and goes, "You don't need to put ice in a cooler. It's a cooler. Duh."

我妻子看著我說：「你不需要在冷藏箱裡放冰塊。 這是一個冷藏箱。拜託。」

Now, the first thing I thought was that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life.

現我的第一反應是，這是我這輩子聽過的最蠢的屁話。

But I didn't say the first thing, I didn't say the second thing, I said the third thing I said, "Baby, I can't believe this cooler is broken."

但我沒說第一句話，我沒說第二句話，我說了第三句話：「寶貝，我不敢相信這個冷藏箱壞了。」