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  • One of the earliest phrases we must have heard  in that corrective parental tone is: be nice.  

  • Without really knowing exactly what this meant  at the time, we understood on some level that  

  • what we were doing, how we were behaving and  interacting with another, was not ok. We were  

  • doing what we wanted to or with this other  person, but what we wanted was a problem

  • As we grew older, this guidance to be nice  continued to be facilitated and reinforcedfrom  

  • parents to teachers, from religious figures to  cartoon aardvarks and tv commercials about soda.  

  • In a world where there are awful people, where  awful things happen, where existence in even  

  • its most basic, optimal form is filled  with chaos and hardship and suffering,  

  • the guidance to be nice, and striving to  be nice, is unequivocally a good thing.  

  • But for many of us, this is about where  it ends, and the crucial nuances of what  

  • it means to be kind in a complicated  world, and the potential consequences  

  • of misunderstanding how to be, are left out  without further guidance or clarification

  • Of course, nice is a relatively vague  term and subject to multiple definitions  

  • and interpretations. So, to be clear, niceness  here is to mean a sort of substantial aversion  

  • to negatively affecting others in any way; a  willingness to always accommodate or agree with  

  • others; to say yes; to be quiet; to put one’s  own views, sensibilities, and desires in second  

  • or last place. Of course, this definition may  differ from what some may hold the term to mean,  

  • but that is part of the problem. Niceness is  so easily misunderstood. This sort of niceness,  

  • though it may seem pleasant, on balance and  over even a relatively short period of time,  

  • is harmful to all involved partiesthe so-called  nice person and everyone they interact with

  • The consequences of this sort of niceness might  lead one to always says that they like or agree  

  • with what everyone else immediately around them  does. It might lead one into jobs they don’t like,  

  • working with or for people and companies  they don’t agree with. It might lead one  

  • into bad business deals or creative  collaborations where one is ignored  

  • at best or taken advantage of at worst. It  might lead one to withhold useful ideas or  

  • doubts that counter or challenge other people  involved in a shared project or endeavor. It  

  • might lead to one saying yes to every invite  or opportunity even when they aren’t at all  

  • what one wants to do. And it might lead  one into dreadful, one-sided friendships  

  • and relationships, or to staying in friendships  and relationships that have been long-since over

  • Generally, the nice person’s goal is  presumably to be nice, but not only does  

  • this sort of niceness open oneself up to being  taken advantage of, misunderstood, misplaced,  

  • and so forth, but it is also a sort of covert  selfishness and unfaithful deception. In truth,  

  • always agreeing with what a person says or wants  is not an affirmation that one cares about what  

  • that person thinks or wants, but rather, it isdemonstration that one cares more about how others  

  • think and feel about them. It is a sacrifice of an  authentic and caring interaction for the purpose  

  • of favorable self-preservation. The nice person is  not truly listening or responding to what is being  

  • said or done or requested. They are performing  a show for an audience they so desperately want  

  • to be reviewed favorably for. The nice person  interacts with and reacts to others in specific  

  • ways not as an authentic participant but asmeans to demonstrate, or perform, a favorable  

  • appearance without concern for the actual  consequences or outcomes of their performance

  • As a participant in friendshipsrelationships, work collaborations,  

  • and society at large, we contribute  negatively by contributing falsely. Thus,  

  • this sort of niceness often isn’t even outwardly  niceeven if comes from a well-intended place

  • Moreover, as time passes, the nice person can only  withstand misaligned or disingenuous relationships  

  • and arrangements for so long before a resentment  and displeasure is bound to harbor inside them,  

  • which ultimately either leads to  impairing real opportunities or  

  • causes a slow-burn and tortuous  prolonging of an inevitable end

  • If we truly wish to be good and meaningful  contributors to our social relations, our work,  

  • our self, we must recognize the different kinds of  niceness. Here, we can refer to the more optimal  

  • kind as kindness. And what kindness calls for is  a reasonable degree of authentic participation,  

  • care, and honesty with others, which often  necessitates disagreements and arguments,  

  • uncomfortable moments and conversationsand the termination of relationships  

  • and circumstances that no longer work. Telling someone bluntly how and why you are  

  • frustrated with how theyve upheld, or not upheldtheir side of an agreement or collaboration,  

  • or not agreeing to one at all, may not sound  nice, but it is and it will beto you and to them.  

  • Telling a partner how frustrated you are  with their unwillingness to meet you halfway  

  • on reasonable compromises or preferences  may not be pleasant, but in the long run,  

  • it is, and it will be. Turning down invitations or  opportunities or deals that you aren’t interested  

  • in might not feel very respectful or consideratebut it is, and it will be. Telling a friend that  

  • theyre actions, in your opinion, are foolish  or bothersome or unreasonable may not feel nice,  

  • but it is, and it will be. And for those who  can’t see that it is, or don’t stick around  

  • to try to or work through it, having that be  the last interaction with them may not seem  

  • very fair or nice, but it is, and it will be. We must learn how and continually try to trust  

  • that we can be ok without certain people, without  the universal approval and agreement of everyone,  

  • without every friendship or relationship, without  every collaboration or invite or deal. Think of  

  • all the time saved. Think of all the illusions  and misunderstandings and impossible divergences  

  • prevented. Think of all the resentment  and disdain and confusion never harbored

  • Of course, none of this is to make light of the  difficulty of anything discussed here. Nor is  

  • it to accuse guilt or shame onto those who have  or continue to act with this sort of niceness.  

  • The nice person is most often just that: a nice  person trying their best, understandably misguided  

  • in how to best go about it. It is a complicated  world filled with platitudes and contradictory  

  • instruction. And for many, the problem is only  further exasperated, or perhaps caused entirely,  

  • by a shattered sense of confidence, which has been  shattered through no fault of one’s own. We can  

  • understand this in others through kindness. And we  can work through it in ourselves through kindness.  

  • The kind that isn’t always comfortable  or easy; the kind that doesn’t always  

  • make you everyone’s favorite; but the kind  that is effective and shows a willingness  

  • to turn one’s positive intentions and hopes  into real, positive outcomes in the world.

One of the earliest phrases we must have heard  in that corrective parental tone is: be nice.  

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The Narcissism Commonly Associated With Being Nice

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2023 年 07 月 17 日
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