school. Aubrey was essentially Fred’s first real  friend, the first person he really had to put  

everything he learned about being a good person  and interacting with others on the table for with  

something meaningful at stake. The two had just  come inside from biking around in the driveway. 

Rushing from the door to the living room  couch, Aubrey excitedly said Fred, “Do you  

want to watch Star Trek?” “Do you like that show?”  

Fred responded with a neutral tone. “Yeah, it’s my favorite. It’s so good. Do you?” 

“Yeah. Let’s watch it,” Fred replied. The two watched the show quietly for the rest of  

the afternoon until Fred’s parents came and picked  him up. Fred had in fact seen the show before,  

but he hated it. He wanted to be nice,  though, which, as he understood it,  

meant putting others’ needs and desires in  front of your own and not upsetting people,  

and so, he put Aubrey first, avoided any  conflict of interest, and agreed to watch. 

At least once almost every time they hung out  thereafter, Aubrey put on Star Trek. Although  

Fred occasionally tried to sway the activity  a different direction, he never explicitly  

told Aubrey how he actually felt. Instead, by the  end of the school year, Fred just stopped hanging  

out with Aubrey altogether, secretly having  harbored the frustration that they rarely did  

or watched anything he wanted. Aubrey was deeply  confused as to what had happened, what was wrong,  

and why he suddenly lost his friend. When  he asked Fred, Fred was coy and dismissive. 

Several years later, in high school, Fred found  himself apart of several small friend groups.  

With the introduction of greater freedom, driver’s  licenses, and the pubescent lust for activity,  

Fred also found himself spending far more time  with friends outside of school than he ever had  

before. For the first time, he had to balance  plans and schedules between different people  

and between people and himself. Whenever he was  asked to do something, whether it was to hang  

out or do someone a favor, afraid of coming off  disinterested or making any of his friends upset,  

Fred’s answer was almost always a resounding  yes. Of course, since he always agreed, he often  

already had tentative plans with other people that  overlapped, which meant he often had to figure  

out how to cancel most of them. Throughout high  school, Fred spent very little time with himself,  

his hobbies, his interests, his schoolwork,  his peace-of-mind, and so on. He often felt  

diminished and used, disproportionately doing  things other people wanted or suggested,  

secretly developing and harboring a resentment  toward many of his friends and family members.  

By graduation, he had lost some of  his friends due to his flakey nature  

and intentionally but seemingly inexplicably  broke ties with most of the rest.  

Many of them were somewhat confused  and upset by his sudden disappearance. 

A couple years later, during college,  Fred found himself in his first real,  

serious long-term relationship with a girl  named Tara. The relationship was amazing. They  

connected with each other in a way Fred had never  experienced connection before. Tara was beautiful  

and sweet and funny and interesting and brought  out parts of him that he didn’t even know existed  

that made him feel alive. He soon fell in love  for the first time. As time passed, though,  

things began to fall apart. Tara often did things  that upset Fred. She would go silent for full days  

without responding to his texts, she would go out  with friends without ever letting him know when  

and where she might go, she would act and react  with very little patience, and she would often  

ask Fred for accommodations while neglecting  his own schedule and needs. By three years in,  

Fred no longer felt the same connection with  her that he once did. Who they were when they  

first met was not who they were now. Fred prided  himself on being a nice, easy-going boyfriend  

in a relationship void of fights, though, and  so, he rarely addressed things that bothered him,  

rarely pointed out Tara’s character flaws or  any of the issues he had in the relationship,  

and mostly avoided arguments in general. “We like never fight,” Fred said to one of his  

friends from college while catching up at a bar,  “I just don’t really like the way she treats me.  

She doesn’t seem to understand like who I  am or where I’m coming from or what I want.  

I used to think she did…or at least could,  but I don’t even know if she cares anymore.” 

“I mean, I’m not necessarily  trying to suggest anything,  

but have you at least thought about potentially  breaking up with her?” Fred’s friend replied. 

“I don’t know. Maybe. I just…I want to make  things work. I don’t want to devastate her,  

you know? I don’t know if she would  really be able to be ok… with me.  

I don’t know. I’ll see how things go, I guess.” Fred stayed with Tara for over a year more. He  

tried to act as if everything was fine but found  himself unavoidably distancing himself more and  

more from her. The breaking point was when he  found out that Tara cheated on him. Even then,  

he stayed with her for a few more months. She  said her reasoning was she felt neglected and  

didn’t feel like he loved her anymore. He told her  he would try to understand and forgive her, but in  

actuality, he felt like ending more than just the  relationship. Not long after, Fred broke up with  

her, realizing how much of a fool he had been. It  was one of the hardest things he had ever done. 

Following college, Fred was out on his own in  the world, navigating the early budding prospects  

of his career. By twenty-three, he received his  first real job offer related to his career path—a  

digital marketing coordinator role for a mid-sized  e-commerce company. Fred eagerly accepted. 

In the office, Fred always put on his smiley face  and happily agreed to everything he was asked,  

even when it was outside the scope of his work,  often offering to help or pick up any slack any  

time his manager or one of his coworkers asked,  not wanting to upset or disappoint. He rarely  

could help with most of what he took on, either  in terms of his ability or his time. In general,  

there was a deep crater of incongruency between  what he presented about his interest and ambition  

and how he actually felt about the work. Again and  again, Fred would over promise and under deliver.  

Secretly, he disliked his boss and  most of his co-workers. He despised  

how they treated and took advantage of him. Fred continued in this job for the following  

couple years despite it being well beneath  his skillset and upper management never really  

offering him a nearly equivalent opportunity or  compensation. Three years in, after he couldn’t  

take it anymore, he quit in what seemed like all  of the sudden without much of an explanation. 

Fred was perhaps one of the nicest people you  could ever meet. He always made sure the happiness  

and preferences of those around him were met.  He never wanted to upset anyone. He was always  

willing to go with whatever anyone else wanted.  And so, when he was twenty-eight years old and he  

found himself alone, with very few friends, a very  short but complicated list of ex-girlfriends, and  

a strained, awkward relationship with his previous  colleagues and bosses, he was extremely confused. 

Having not had much of a social life, let alone  a relationship, in a couple years, feeling like  

he was on the brink of a life of total isolation,  Fred decided to start dating again. He had little  

luck at first, but eventually, he met a very  unique, spontaneous, and extroverted woman unlike  

anyone he had ever met before, named Amina. While on a third date with her, the two sat  

at a picknick table in a park while the sun set  behind them. They discussed all sorts of topics,  

including more personal sentiments of  their lives and pasts, which was very  

uncharacteristic of Fred. He shared about his  old friends and jobs and even some of his exes. 

“I don’t know. It seems like everyone is just  selfish in this world. That’s definitely one  

thing I’ve learned. I feel like people  have just always taken advantage of me,  

of my niceness. I’ve been nothing but nice, but  I just get screwed over and over,” Fred said. 

“That’s true. People are  definitely selfish,” Amina replied. 

A brief pause surrounded the two,  Amina clearly having more to say. 

“I have to say though, upfront, if we’re  gonna potentially, you know, keep this going,  

I gotta ask something.” “Ok, sure, yeah. About what?” Fred replied. 

“Are you the kind of guy who  is so hung up on being nice,  

he never really thinks about other people?” “What do mean?” Fred said,  

confused by the seeming paradoxical question. “Like, did you ever tell anyone you how you felt?  

Did you ever ask them not to do something? Did you  explain what was wrong and try to help resolve it?  

No offense, but…it kinda seems like you always  just expected people to know how you felt and  

to treat you right just because you were nice.” Another brief pause filled the space between them. 

“I mean… I just don’t like arguing or being  mean or confrontational for no reason,  

especially when people should kinda  already know what’s right,” Fred answered. 

“Yeah, but how does anyone know of a problem if  the problem is hidden from them? And why would  

anyone want to solve it if it benefits them, and  the other person doesn’t seem to care? I don’t  

think niceness is always kind. Because kindness is  not quietness, submissiveness, or self-surrender.  

I think it’s the willingness to confront and  deal with others and issues honestly and fairly  

for everyone’s benefit, even when it’s  difficult or uncomfortable for you,” Amina said. 

“That’s true. I agree with that actually,”  Fred replied with a somewhat dip in his tone. 

“Do you?” Amina replied laughing, “I’m just  saying, I’ve dealt with plenty of selfish  

people in my life, so I completely resonate with  where you’re coming from. But some people are so  

concerned with not being selfish, they become it.  They become so centered around being liked and  

perceived favorably, they never even consider  the consequences of their so-call niceness.  

Agreeing universally with everyone is not  necessarily a sign that you actually care  

about other people, but that you care about  what other people think about you. With no  

regard for how it affects them. How is that not  selfish? At least with straight forward people,  

you know where they stand and what the issues are.  Maybe their perspectives still aren’t always good,  

but at least they respect you enough to tell you.” The two looked at each other sitting on opposite  

sides of the picknick table as if Amina  was the antithesis to Fred’s entire life  

laid bare on the table in front of him. “Sorry,” she continued, “I didn’t mean  

to come off too forward there. I’m  just, you know, doing my due diligence.  

Less time to waste at this age, you know?” “Yeah, no, I get it,” Fred said with a laugh. 

“So, are you around next weekend  at all? We should do something!” 

Fred paused. Then he said, “Yeah. Maybe we should  take things a little bit slower, actually.”