Back when it was a time-line and not a time...

crossword puzzle

Three Goddesses descended from the Heavens

and gave birth to the planet

With their work finished, they vanished

Leaving behind a magical artifact called the Triforce

that can grant any wish to whoever possesses it

Which sounds good on paper

but it pretty much opens Pandora's Box

for the local Demons and crackheads

Who were all up and eager to get their hands on those

enticing yellow triangles

To escape the hysteria the Goddess Hylia

sent all the non minorities of the world

up into the sky

To live on a bunch of floating islands called Skyloft

Unable to use the Triforce herself

Hylia had her soul reincarnated as a human girl named Zelda

Who traveled down to the surface

along with her childhood friend/chosen hero/

love interest..?

Link

and together they defeated the Demon King Demise

With his final words Demise bestowed a curse on the two

Promising that his evil spirit would continue to haunt

those with the blood of the Goddess and the spirit of the hero

With the surface freed from evil

the humans descended from the clouds and established The Kingdom of Hyrule

They also built The Temple of Time to serve as a connection between

Hyrule and the Sacred Realm A holy land that contains the Triforce

and kept lock-and-key by the Master Sword

which can only be unsheathed by Link

Moving along on the timeline we have two games that

...don't really matter

Link fights against some MCR reject called Vaati

that's about it

More importantly we have to Ocarina of Time

and here's where things start to get spicy

Demise with his unrelenting levels of salt

gets reincarnated as Ganondorf a Gerudo King on a mission to

take over the world or something

In an effort to thwart Ganon's plans a new Link unknowingly seals himself

in the Temple of Time for seven years

Allowing Ganon a free backstage pass to the Sacred Realm

However due to having an uneven balance of power courage and wisdom

the Triforce was split into three

The Triforce of Power stayed with Ganon granting him unmatched strength

The Triforce of Wisdom was sent to Zelda who obtained divine wisdom

whenever it's convenient for the plot

Which is... never

The Triforce of Courage was sent to Link who obtained the powers of

whatever the developers feel like giving him at the time

Talk to ghosts, turn into a dog... y'know

Spoilers! Our heroes defeat Ganon

and seal him in the Sacred Realm

and because Link was a literal man-child

Zelda sent him back to the past where he can relive his lost childhood

And this is what created the infamous time-split

First off we have the child timeline which follows Link after he returned to the past

and is able to snitch on Ganon before he brings Hyrule to ruin

Secondly there's the adult timeline where without Link around to do his hero business

Ganon eventually broke free from his cage and wreaked havoc on Hyrule

Forcing the Gods to flood the land

And third we have the fallen hero timeline

Where Link either straight up died fighting Ganon...

or the player gave up halfway through

and decided to go play Goldenye or something

Ganon is able to obtain the full Triforce

but is sealed in the Sacred Realm

before he can really do anything

Following the original Link back to the child timeline we begin with Majora's Mask

a game that still gives me nightmares

thanks to that one creepypasta

You know the one

Link saves the world from a sad homeless kid

and is last seen continuing his endless journey to find his missing fairy

Honestly a pretty depressing ending for our Hero of Time

Speaking of depression next is Twilight Princess

After having his plans exposed by Young Link Ganon is on trial to be executed by the Six Sages

Unable to control Ganon the Six Sages banished him to the Twilight Realm

Where he gifted some of his power to a crazy person named Zant

Who then used said power

to turn the Princess of the Twilight Realm into an imp

...Which depending on who you ask

could either be a downgrade or an improvement

With the help of Good Boi Link Ganon and Zant are defeated

and Midna is able to reclaim her old body and kingdom

Oh yeah, and Young Link is in this one too but like...

super dead

Hundreds of years later Ganon is resurrected

along with the MCR reject and a shadow clone of Link as they band together

in another failed attempt to destroy Hyrule

The timeline finally ends with Ganon being sealed into the Four Sword forevermore

Ok let's move on to the adult timeline

After his little sister gets kidnapped, an unrelated

but significantly cuter Link

sails the Great Seas to rescue her

With a little help from pirate Zelda

Link manages to save his sister

reassemble the Triforce of Courage

and defeat Ganon once and for all

Well... in this branch of the timeline at least

Phantom Hourglass follows their pirate adventures directly after

and is chronologically only 10 minutes long so there's not much to say

Sometime later pirate Zelda manages to

re-establish Hyrule in a far off island

Which brings us to Spirit Tracks

Taking place 100 years in the future where a completely new Link

and a completely dead Zelda

save New-Hyrule

from a resurrected evil demon that for once, isn't named Ganon

Rounding this train-wreck up we have the,

"I can't believe Link is dead" timeline

Where Ganon was able to obtain the full Triforce but was imprisoned in the Sacred Realm

Like an evil teabag submerged in the holiness that is the Sacred Realm

Ganon infected it with his dark powers and transformed it into the Dark World

He then attempted to take control of Hyrule by deceiving its people

using the form of a totally-not-suspicious-looking-wizard-man

But was defeated when a new Link rose up to confront him

Link's Awakening takes place directly after but the entire game ends up just being a

fever dream by a flying whale

Sooo...

Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons once again features the same Link

having to defeat the same Ganon after his Grandmas

er...

Grand-Grandma-Grandmothers?

brought him back to life

A Link Between Worlds is pretty much just A Link to the Past

except it takes place looong after

And the Dark World is called Lorule

And the Wizard is a misunderstood artist

And Link is a painting

-ok It's nothing like A Link to the Past

Zelda's Hot Topic counterpart

attempts to steal the Triforce to restore Lorule to its former glory

but is ultimately unsuccessful

Link and Zelda return the Triforce to Hyrule

and use it to wish for peace and prosperity for both lands

Tri Force Heroes is a continuation of this Link's adventures

and is pretty much the filler episode of the timeline

But... Link dresses up as a cheerleader

so I guess it's worth its place in the timeline just for that

For a long period of time afterwards The Kingdom of Hyrule entered an era of peace

That is, until one King decided not to pass down the Triforce to his entitled son

and hid the Triforce of Courage far away

only telling its location to his daughter Zelda

The Prince enlisted the help of the local suspicious old wizard

for some gentle persuasion...

which resulted in Zelda being put into an eternal sleep

Whoops...

With the location of the last Cheatforce now lost Hyrule was quickly taken over by Ganon

who after being resurrected a hundred times is pretty much just a rabid pig at this point

Before being captured the current Princess Zelda divided the Triforce of Wisdom into eight pieces

and spread them across Hyrule

Setting the stage for a new Link to collect all the shards

destroy Ganon

and save the Princess

But not that Princess... we're getting to that

Zelda's caretaker Impa informs our hero of the third missing Triforce

and the situation with Zelda the 1st

Sparking Link to go on an adventure to obtain it

...See what I did there it's a joke about the title

Returning with the full Triforce Link is able to awaken Zelda from her eternal slumber

and the two Zeldas fight for dominance over the Kingdom of Hyrule

...ok that doesn't actually happen but I'd be cool if it did

Whew...

We're finally at the end of the timeline

But wait

There's still one game we haven't discussed yet...

Link's Crossbow Training!

-I mean- Breath of the Wild!

Where does Breath of the Wild take place on the timeline?

Is it after the ruined timeline?

or maybe in the child timeline

or is it in the adult timeline?

Yes.

The answer is yes.

All three of them.

At the same time.

The game takes place ten-thousand years in the future

Where the people have made astounding technological breakthroughs

and developed into a super advanced society

Electricity

the telephone

a cure for the common cold

...are all things that they should have created

Instead they just made a bunch of giant robots

Which backfires when Ganon rises from the dead

and uses them to destroy Hyrule

Thankfully yoga pants Zelda manages to seal him away

for a hundred years

while Link takes the longest power-nap in history

Eventually he wakes up, blah-blah-blah

destroys Ganon, you know the drill

But wait...

where does Breath of the Wild 2 take place?!?

- ok i'm done, i'm done.

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