Do they love me?

他愛我嗎？

Is this solid?

這段感情穩固嗎？

Might it all suddenly end?

這一切可能突然地結束嗎？

But, perhaps, less time asking the more salient question: What can I do to help this valued relationship endure?

但或許花太少時間自問更顯著的問題：我可以做些什麼讓這段寶貴的感情持續？

We can fall into an error of seeing love as a passive, mysterious gift that we are in no position to generate, direct, or guarantee,

我們可能會犯一個錯，把愛看成是我們沒有能力生產、指導或保重的被動、神祕禮物，

rather than conceiving of it as an emotion that, for the most part, flows fairly logically, steadily, and naturally on from things that we are in a position either to do or not to do.

而不是將它視為一種多數時候都有邏輯、穩定、自然流動的情感，主要在於我們能做或不能做的事上面。

And, to come to the central thesis, love tends to be a consequence of a partner feeling cared for and heard,

而提到論點的中心，愛情通常是伴侶感到被關懷或聆聽的結果，

in the way that they have almost certainly frequently signaled to us that they need to feel in order to be inwardly assured that they are in safe and tender hands.

幾乎可以肯定的是，他們經常向我們發出訊號表示這是他們需要的感受，以便他們內心可確認自己處於安全和溫柔的手中。

To hazard a generalization, most people tend to signal their emotional requirements pretty directly.

冒險地以一句話概括：多數人都會非常直接地表達他們情感上的需求。

If we are in the mood to listen.

前提是我們有心情聆聽。

In other words, there is much we can choose to do or not to do right now, today, in order to weaken or strengthen our loves.

換句話說，我們有很多現在、今日就可以決定做或不做的事，進而弱化或強化我們的愛。

We are, for the most part, active agents, not passive, victimized spectators.

我們多數時候都是主動代理人，而不是被動、受害的觀望者。

The other's love should, under normal circumstances, be thought of as a predictable reward rather than a random benediction.

對方的愛在正常情況下應該被視為可預測的獎賞，而不是隨機的祝福。

There are surely cases where people are keen to maintain a relationship, but are then left for no reason that they could ever have guessed at or influenced,

肯定有一些案例是人們積極想要維繫一段感情，但因為他們完全無法猜測或受影響的理由而被拋棄，

normally by people deeply and secretly ambivalent around the terrors of commitment.

對象通常是對承諾恐懼感到深切、秘密的矛盾的人。

But in the end, there are probably not so many of those around.

但最終而言，大概沒有太多這樣的人。

To maintain love, we need, more than anything, to follow a few simple-sounding rules

為了維繫愛情，我們比其它東西更需要的是，遵循幾個聽起來簡單的規則，

that can, nevertheless, be very hard for what we should acknowledge to be complicated, psychological reasons on our side to act upon.

然而，對於我們採取行動應該承認的複雜、心理原因來說，這些規則可能非常困難。

Firstly, the partner must feel heard.

首先，伴侶需要感到被聆聽。

Secondly, they must feel that we are on their side.

第二，他必須感到你跟他同一陣線。

Thirdly, they must feel appreciated according to their own distinctive love language.

第三，它們必須因為自己特有的愛情語言而感到被激賞。

This might mean that we need to leave the kitchen a certain way or that we have to take their views of social life or intimacy into account.

這可能表示我們必須將廚房維持某種樣貌或者我們必須考量到對方對於社交生活或親密感的觀點。

Fourthly, the partner must know that we are making an effort in their name.

第四，伴侶必須知道我們以他們的名義在努力。

Fifthly, they must feel wanted, emotionally and physically.

第五，他們必須感到自己在情感、肉體上都被渴望。

Sixthly, insofar as we are difficult to be around⏤and we all are⏤we must explain why.

第六，有關我們多難相處的程度（而我們確實都難相處），我們必須解釋原因。

We need to give our partner an accurate map to our areas of immaturity.

我們必須提供伴侶一個我們幼稚領域的精確地圖。

We need to tell them, calmly and with grace, how we are a little mad and, with reference to our pasts, why.

我們必須平靜且優雅地告訴對方我們有一點惱怒，並用過往經驗輔助說明原因。

We must never insist proudly or defensively on our normality.

我們絕對不可以驕傲或防備性地堅持我們自己有多正常。

"I'm so sorry" and "I'm listening" should be our two most habitual phrases.

「我很抱歉」以及「我在聽」應該是我們最常用的兩句口頭禪。

Lastly, seventhly, we must strive to remain calm around our partners' most trying sides.

最後第七點，我們在面臨伴侶最難搞的一面時，應該努力維持冷靜。

We mustn't humiliate them about their flaws.

我們不應該因為對方的缺陷而羞辱他。

We must become excellent teachers and diplomats of difficult messages.

我們必須成為優秀的導師以及傳達艱困訊息的外交能手。

If we do all this and a relationship ends without us wishing to, we are entitled to feelings of acute bitterness and grief.

如果我們做到這些，而感情仍違我們所願地結束，我們是可以感到一點憤怒和悲傷的。

The fault has really not been with us.

錯真的不在我們身上。

We have had the misfortune to love someone who was not ready to receive our gift.

我們只是不幸地愛上了還沒準備好接受這份禮物的人。

But if the relationship ends and we have somehow been distracted or busier, we should start to wonder whether, or perhaps why, we have wound up with an ending we told ourselves we didn't want.

但如果感情結束，而我們或多或少地分心了或忙碌，我們應該開始想想我們是否（或為什麼）會落得我們跟自己說不想要的結局。

We may need to reflect, under the full glare of the truth of singledom, that we might be a lot more ambivalent, conflicted, or lackadaisical about sustaining love than we have imagined.

我們可能需要在單身的嚴酷現實下進行反省，或許我們對於維持愛情比想像得還更矛盾、衝突且無精打采。