Name: 做了這件事小心把友誼毀掉！ (The one thing that destroys relationships)
Uploaded: 2023-02-16T21:01:20.000Z
Duration: 8 min 45 s

There's a lot that can destroy your relationships.

很多東西會破壞人與人之間的關係。

程度副詞

Wow, that is a very interesting choice of wardrobe for a first date.

哇，你初次約會的衣著選擇很有趣欸。

-Hey, babe, does this outfit make me look...? -fat?

- 寶貝，我穿這身衣服會不會看起來很…? - 腫嗎？

I mean, yes, people gained weight in the pandemic, but you look so thin, so skinny, you do not look fat at all.

我是說，對啦，疫情期間容易變胖，但你看起來很瘦，一點都不胖。

-I don't think that... -I was gonna say professional, does this outfit make me look professional?

- 我不覺得… - 我其實是要說「專業」穿這樣看起來專不專業？

I like sleeping on the right side of the bed.

But the one thing that is a guaranteed way to destroy your relationships is a lack of communication.

但有件事鐵定會摧毀你的關係，那就是缺乏溝通。

Specifically, not being able to have hard conversations.

特別是沒辦法嚴肅談論兩人之間問題。

When you can't have an honest heart-to-heart with someone, you end up building resentment.

不能與某人坦誠相待，最終就會產生怨恨。

And the small things that could have been talked out, build up one by one until they tear your relationship apart.

本來可以講開的小事，一件件累積起來，最終撕裂你們的關係。

Because I lost my sister in my youth, I have a chronic fear of not saying my feelings just in case the other person dies.

我在小時候就失去了我的姐妹，所以我一直很害怕來不及說出自己的感受，對方就永遠離開了。

And sometimes that can skew into the extreme.

So one of the things that I've been learning is to really examine,

所以我一直在學習的一件事是要真正去審視：

Can I give this person the benefit of the doubt and just let this go?

Or will I end up holding on to it and building resentment?

Which if I think it will, then I will have that hard conversation.

如果我認為會，那麼我就會深入去說開。

But in my experience as a human being on this planet for 33 years, most people don't have this problem.

但根據我在這個星球上生活 33 年的經驗，大多數人並沒有這個問題。

Most people have a very hard time sitting someone down and having that hard talk.

大多數人反而都很難坐下來跟對方把話說開。

I used to be painfully shy, a people pleaser. I had zero boundaries.

我曾經也超級害羞、總是討好別人，不會設立人與人之間的界線。

And I would worry that speaking my truth would to rejection or abandonment,

我會擔心說出真心可能會被拒絕或拋棄。

and I would carry the seeds of resentment until, finally, I would just leave the person and they would be blindsided.

所以我會將怨恨的種子深埋，直到我最終離開那個人，但對方還搞不清楚狀況。

There's this one girl in high school, let's call her Jen because her name was Jen.

高中時，有個女生，暫且叫她珍，因為她的名字就叫珍。

Jen was a cool girl, she was popular, she was rich, she was kind of like our schools Regina George.

珍很酷、很受歡迎，還很有錢，有點像我們學校的蕾吉娜・喬治。

And Jen, you know, she was like a white girl, main character and she kind of treated me like her sidekick.

珍就是那種白人女孩、大女主，有點把我當成跟班的感覺。

One time, we went to Barnes & Noble and then she just randomly sprung on me.

有次我們去書店，然後她突然跟我說：

Oh my God, okay, I need you to shut up and go away for a second.

「好，我現在需要你閉嘴，走開一下。」

「我前男友正在跟這個女的約會。」

I'm gonna make her log onto her facebook on my computer, which will save her password so that I can read all of their messages. Go!

「我要讓她在我的電腦上登錄她的 Facebook，這樣電腦就會保存她的密碼，我就可以看他們在聊什麼。快走吧！」

But she frequently did stuff that really bothered me,

但她經常做一些讓我不爽的事。

whether it was talking over me or literally sidelining me when we were supposed to be hanging out or just kind of being really selfish.

無論是打斷我說話，還是在我們出去玩的時候把我晾在一邊，反正就很自私。

And instead of talking to Jen and letting her know that her behavior was really upsetting to me,

但我沒和珍談開，讓她知道她的行為讓我很不爽。

I took every hit, I carried every resentment until finally I just hated Jen.

我忍了一次又一次，揹負著每一分怨恨，搞到最後，我變得超討厭珍。

I tried to slow ghost her, but she did not get the message, so I started acting out.

我試圖搞消失，但她沒有感受到，所以我開始做一些失控的事。

I'd be randomly mean hoping that she'd just leave me alone, but it didn't work because she just found it hilarious.

我對她態度超差，希望她能別再找我，但沒用，因為她只是覺得我那樣很好笑。

So, I was so afraid of having a conversation with Jen that one day I concocted a plan,

我超害怕跟珍說開，怕到我想出了一個計畫。

at Jen's next sleepover, I was going to steal her most prized possession, a bunch of her clothes.

下次珍開睡衣派對時，我要偷走她最珍貴的東西，她的一堆衣服。

And I was going to make sure that I would steal enough of her clothes that it was noticeable and then she would finally hate me too, and stop being my friend.

而且我要確保我偷量多到她能注意到，她就會終於也恨我，然後跟我絕交。

The alternative was to maybe just have a convo with her and then break up with her,

另一個方案是直接跟她談，然後離開她。

but that was so terrifying to me that I decided let me just steal a bunch of Jen's wardrobe.

但那對我來說太可怕了，以至於我決定直接偷一堆珍的衣服。

Afterwards, I, like, literally made trips to and from my car, just throwing her clothes in there.

我還特別走去車子那邊，只是為了把她的衣服扔在那。

And afterwards, I got home, Jen called and she said,

之後我回到家，珍打了電話給我，她說：

Hey, babe, so I'm missing like a ton of my clothes, and I know it was you because I just did my laundry and you're like the only person that I saw,

嘿，寶，我發現我少了一堆衣服，我知道是你拿的，因為我才剛洗完衣服，而在那之後你是我唯一見過的人。

but I get it and I forgive you because I would totally steal my clothes, too.

但沒關係我懂，我原諒你，因為換作是我，我也會偷我的衣服。

So just return them and we're all good. Okay?

把我的衣服還回來就沒事了，好嗎？

This act of kindness from Jen made me hate her so much more.

珍的「善舉」讓我更討厭她了。

Was I finally forced to have that hard conversation?

Did I finally tell Jen about my grievances?

終於把心裡的委屈告訴珍了嗎？

No, I decided I would only give Jen back half of her clothes and at that point that she would have no choice.

不，我決定只把一半的衣服還給珍，到這程度，她就非得跟我絕交了。

Oh my God, best... ex bestie, I cannot believe you.

我的天，姐… 前姐妹，你真是太誇張了。

I offered you grace and you only return half of my shit?

我都大發慈悲了，你卻只還一半？

Not even the good shit because of my Billabong sweater!

甚至不是好的那一半，我的比拉邦毛衣都沒還我！

So you better give it all back or else my daddy is filing a police report against your daddy.

你最好全都還來，不然我爹地就會報警抓你爸。

I literally cheered after this phone call because I had finally done it.

接完這通電話後，我真的跳起來歡呼，因為我終於做到了。

I had pissed Jen off enough for her to end our friendship.

all I can say is what the fuck was that, right?

Like, I can't believe I was so afraid of just telling this girl that her behavior was hurting me that I committed a crime,

不敢相信我竟然害怕告訴一個女生她的行為傷害到我，害怕到去犯罪的程度。

like, it is insane to me how desperate I was to evade any real talk.

我逃避敞開心扉談話的程度簡直令人髮指。

And also incredibly unfair of me because Jen is clearly capable of kindness.

而且我當時其實對珍超級不公平，因為她顯然是有能力善良的。

Clearly, she was willing to forgive me for stealing her Billabong sweater.

很明顯，她是願意原諒我偷她毛衣的。

And I always wonder, like, if I had just expressed myself in those moments when Jen said or did something and given her the chance to adjust her behavior,

我總是在想，如果我在珍或做那些事時，說出自己的想法，給她改過的機會，

I did see Jen one last time after that and she said,

但在那之後，我的確有見到珍最後一次，她說：

You know, all you had to do was just asked to borrow my clothes.

And then I never see it again to the point where I know now that when she's "borrowing" clothes, she just intends to keep them,

然後衣服就再也沒回來了，所以現在她說要「借」衣服的時候，我就知道她就是想拿走。

you really didn't need to do all of that.

You could have just stolen it one piece at a time, you know.

你大可一次偷一件，現在知道了吧。

So, when you're tempted to carry the clothes, a metaphor for your resentments.

所以，當你想私藏衣服的時候（忍著埋怨）。

Think about this story because it's one thing if you tell someone about how their behavior has affected you and then they don't change.

想想這個故事，因為如果告訴別人他們的行為對你有什麼影響，然後他們不改，這是一回事。

But having a hard conversation just reframe it.

但深入對話能重新構建兩人關係。

It's a way of saying to someone I love you, I care about you, I want to keep you in,

這是一種對某人說「我愛你，關心你，想跟你保持關係，

and to do that this relationship or this behavior needs to change.

但這件事你可能需要改變」的方式。

Having a hard conversation is showing the other person respect,

跟對方認真對談能顯示你對他的尊重。

it's showing them that you value them, and it's showing that you're willing to be honest and work on it.

這表示你重視他們，並且願意彼此坦承，經營這段關係。

So don't wait, like, if you have things you know that are gonna build up and you know that this is going to solidify into resentment,

所以不要等待，如果知道有些東西會累積起來，化為怨恨，

give that person the chance to validate your feelings, make space for you and adjust accordingly.

給那個人一個機會來接收你的感受，往好的方向改變。

而 33 歲的我可以告訴你這一點。

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