that goes, "Everything we do is just a way for us to be loved."

「我們所做的一切，都只是為了得到愛。」

Would you agree?

你同意嗎？

Well, a lot of people in the world certainly seem to,

世界上很多人似乎都同意這個說法，

as nowadays, everyone seems to be obsessed with finding love and being in the perfect relationship.

因為如今，似乎每個人都著迷於找尋完美愛情。

And while there's nothing wrong with staying single, especially if it's by choice,

單身沒有錯，尤其是當事人自己選擇單身時，

it's no doubt frustrating to constantly be let down in the pursuit of true love and have nothing but a broken heart to show for it.

但在追求真愛的過程中不斷被辜負，徒留心碎，無疑令人沮喪。

After a few failed or maybe the lack of relationships, we can't help but ask ourselves,

經歷幾次失敗或長期空窗後，我們不禁會問自己：

what are we doing wrong?

我做錯了什麼？

Will we ever find true love?

真的能找到真愛嗎？

Well, don't fret, luckily psychology has a few good answers for why true love seems to elude a lot of us and what we can do about it.

別擔心，幸好針對為何很多人苦於尋找真愛，以及該如何改善，心理學有很好解答。

So with that said, here are six of the most common beliefs that keep people single.

以下是六個致使人們單身的常見觀念。

I'm incomplete without a relationship.

沒有戀情，我便不完整。

Have you ever noticed that, ironically, it's always the people who want to be in a relationship the most that just can't seem to make it work.

有沒有注意到，很諷刺的是，總是那些最想談戀愛的人最無法脫單。

Sure, they may date lots of people and never stay single for long, but their relationships seem to fizzle out just as quickly as they came to be.

當然，他們可能與很多人約會，總單身不久，但他們的戀情往往轉瞬即逝。

Why?

為什麼呢？

Well, it's probably because they've mistakenly come to believe that they need a relationship in their life to be happy.

可能是因為這些人誤認為自己「需要」一段戀情生活才會幸福。

This belief echoes enmeshment, which is a concept in psychology and psychotherapy introduced by Salvador Minuchin

這種觀念與「糾纏關係」相呼應，也就是薩爾瓦多·米紐慶在心理學和心理治療中提出的一個概念，

to describe families where personal boundaries are diffused and over concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development,

描述缺乏人際邊界的家庭關係，因一方或雙方過度關心而導致個體喪失自主發展。

but unbeknownst to them, it's actually that kind of desperation that's holding them back from finding true love,

但他們不知道的是，正是這種絕望阻礙了他們找到真愛，

because a lot of the time, they probably just settle for whoever comes along who's interested in them

因為很多時候，他們可能會妥協接受任何對他們感興趣的人，

without truly reflecting on what they want in a partner, what they want out of a relationship, and their worth as a person, even without one.

而沒有認真考慮自己對伴侶、一段關係的期望，以及即便沒有另一半，自己作為一個人的價值。

It didn't work out for my parents, so it won't work out for me.

我的父母失敗了，所以我也不會成功。

There is an interesting well-known study by Glenn and Kramer back in 1987

1987 年，Glenn 和 Kramer 進行了一項有趣的著名研究。

that found that Children of divorce were actually the most likely to end up divorced themselves

研究發現，離婚家庭的孩子有很大可能性也會離婚，

and have the least amount of commitment to their own marriages

且在婚姻中很少做出承諾，

in spite of a great self-proclaimed desire for otherwise.

儘管他們聲稱自己對婚姻有很大的渴望。

And many psychologists and researchers since then have speculated that

該研究發表後，許多心理學家和研究人員推測

it's because parental divorce can have a powerful and lasting effect on our attitudes towards relationships even when we grow older.

這是因為父母離異對孩子看待人際關係的態度會產生強大且長久的影響，不僅限於其幼年時期。

So if it didn't work out between your parents, you might think all of your relationships are doomed to fail too.

因此，如果父母關係破裂，其子女可能會認為所有關係都注定會失敗。

Beliefs about abandonment

相信自己最終會被遺棄

Experiencing parental abandonment in your earlier life can also negatively impact our chances at success in forming meaningful and lasting relationships.

早年經歷父母遺棄也會產生負面影響，阻礙我們建立有意義且長久的關係。

In attachment theory, we'd call having this kind of belief a characteristic of those who are anxious avoidant.

在依附理論中，這是焦慮-迴避型人格的特徵。

People who have this kind of insecure attachment style tend to have a negative view of others, but a positive view of themselves.

這種不安全依戀型的人往往對他人持消極負面看法，對自己卻抱持積極正面看法。

So they become overly self-reliant, emotionally distant, and afraid of intimacy and commitment.

所以他們變得過於獨立，情感疏離，害怕親密關係和承諾，

They feel uncomfortable with physical and emotional closeness, have trouble sharing their true feelings,

對身體和情感上的親密感到不適，且難以分享自己的真實感受。

and tend to pull away when they feel others getting too attached to them.

他們感受到對方過於依戀自己時，往往會抽離該關係。

Beliefs about being damaged

認為自己會受到傷害

Studies such as the one by Hansen in 2010

諸如 Hansen 於 2010 年發表的研究表明，

showed that people who have experienced a traumatic event, especially a toxic or abusive relationship,

遭遇過創傷，特別是經歷過毒性或虐待關係的人，

tend to wrestle with a lot of feelings of guilt, self-blame, and worthlessness.

往往得與內心的內疚、自責和缺乏價值感搏鬥。

They've internalized that trauma to mean that they're broken or that there must be something wrong with them, making them too damaged to love.

他們已將這種創傷內化，認為自己破碎不堪或出了問題，所以無法愛與被愛。

But if this is true for you, it's important that you understand that you are not what happened to you

如果你是這麼認為的，你得明白發生在你身上的事並不能代表你。

and that the harm other people brought upon you was never your fault.

別人對你的傷害也都不是你的錯。

Someday, when you've begun to heal from the past and resolve this trauma, you will find someone who will help you see that.

總有一天，你開始治愈過去傷痛並解決創傷時，會有人讓你看到這一點的。

I'm still waiting for THE ONE.

苦苦等待真命天子/女

Lastly but certainly not least, another belief that might be keeping you single

最後最重要的，另一個可能讓你持續單身的觀念就是

is the idea that there's someone out there will be able to perfectly meet all of your unrealistically high standards and expectations.

認為有人能完美地滿足你所有不切實際的高標準和期望。

Don't get us wrong, there is nothing bad about believing in soulmates,

別誤會，相信靈魂伴侶沒有什麼不好。

it's just that so much of the logic behind it is inherently flawed.

但這背後有很多邏輯本身就存在缺陷。

And if the psychology of successful relationships has taught us anything,

如果說成功人際關係心理學教會了我什麼，

it's that it's more about being the right person than finding the right person.

我認為是「當個對的人比找到對的人更加重要。」

To illustrate, one of the most famous relationship experts in the world, psychologist John Gottman has found that

舉例來說，世上最有名的關係學家之一，心理學家約翰·高特曼發現，

all happy, long term relationships exhibit mutual understanding, awareness, acceptance, respect, and reciprocity of appreciation and relationship maintenance.

所有幸福的長期關係都有相互理解、認識、接受、尊重、相互欣賞和關係維護這幾個要素。

Notice how what we do seems to matter more than the qualities we bring to a relationship?

注意到在一段關係中，行為似乎比個人特質更重要嗎？

So can you relate to any of the things we've mentioned on our list?

清單上提到的要點有戳中你內心的想法嗎？

Are you guilty of believing some of the things here that keep you single against your choice?

你是因為這些觀念迫不得已單身的嗎？

Although we might not realize it, our thoughts have so much more power over us in our lives than we think.

雖然我們可能沒有意識到，但一個人的想法對其生活的影響遠比想象中來的得深遠。

So, it's important that we're mindful of the beliefs and attitudes that we have towards our relationships.

是以，仔細思考自己對戀愛關係的想法及態度是很重要的。

In the words of Plato, reality is created by the mind.

用柏拉圖的話來說：「現實源於思想。」

We can change our reality by changing your mind.

我們可以通過改變想法來改變身邊的現實。

No matter what it is that's been holding you back from finding a happy and healthy relationship,

不管是什麼阻礙了你找到一段幸福健康的關係，

know that you can always reclaim your power by adopting a more positive mindset.

要知道，你永遠可以用更積極的心態來重獲力量。

Look for love all around you and become more loving towards yourself before jumping head first into your next relationship.

抬頭看看周圍的愛，在一頭扎進下段關係前，多愛自己一點吧。

So, do you plan to overcome your limited beliefs about love?

你準備好打破自己對愛的設限了嗎？