Yep, I got tricked into sleeping with someone.

沒錯，我被騙上床了。

I'm being silly about it 'cuz humor is my coping mechanism. But do not be fooled by my jovial nature. It was traumatic.

我還在傻笑，因為幽默是我的應對機制，但不要被我快樂的天性所迷惑，那件事簡直慘不忍睹。

So gather around the campfire kids for a terrifying cautionary tale.

所以，孩子們快聚過來，聽我娓娓道來這驚悚警世故事。

Some time ago, I was filming in another country.

前段時間，我在另一個國家拍戲。

I was single, my heart was freshly broken. I was hanging on by an emotional thread.

我那時單身、剛經歷心碎，幾近崩潰。

So the opportunity to go focus on a movie, take my mind off of my insane pain.

所以能讓我從我痛苦中轉移注意的事，像專注在電影上之類的。

It was very welcome.

我當時非常需要。

Now, on the first day of this film, there was an individual who sort of caught my eye, but, like, I'm not a big hat person and he had this baseball hat on.

在拍攝現場第一天，有個人吸引了我的注意，但我不是很喜歡戴帽子的人，而他戴著棒球帽。

And it sounds really stupid, but I was like, "Wow, I don't know if he's really cute or not because this is like hat.

我知道聽起來很蠢，但我那時想：「不知道他算不算可愛，因為他帶著帽子。」

Maybe this means, like, I'm attracted to people's head shapes like humpty dumpty.

也許這代表我會被人的頭形吸引，像矮胖子那樣。

Who knows?

誰知道呢？

Either way.

無論如何。

He looked weird with a hat and remember this detail, okay?

他戴帽子看起來很怪，記得這個細節。

It's very important. It's gonna come back

這非常重要，之後會講到。

The next day, he's not wearing the hat. I can confirm he's very cute.

第二天，他沒戴帽子，所以我確定了他很可愛。

My heart is in 1000 pieces, but I welcome any distraction from the searing pain of having it destroyed.

我的心碎成了 1000 片，但我歡迎任何分能散注意力的機會，讓我逃避傷心事。

So I flirt, he flirts, time goes by, and then one day after set, we go to a bar, we tell each other our whole life stories and we start a little onset fling.

所以我們互相調情，一段時間過去，一天拍攝結束後我們去了一家酒吧，互相說了自己所有的過去，開始了一段純屬玩玩的感情。

But I caveat this fling with the warning.

但我提出了事前警告。

I just want to be upfront with you. I'm not looking for anything serious.

先把話說清楚，我沒有想認真談感情。

I've probably never said this, but I don't want a commitment.

我可能從沒說過這種話，但我不想要任何承諾。

I'm just looking for something physical. I'm incredibly emotionally unavailable

我只是在尋找身體慰藉，情感上免談。

If that's cool with you, then we can have fun while we're here. Great.

如果你不介意的話，在這我們可以玩得很開心，很好。

If not, then maybe we should stop this now, just to spare feelings.

如果不是，那也許我們現在就該停止，不牽扯感情。

Okay, like, thanks for letting me know.

好，謝謝你讓我知道這個。

I'm actually totally cool with it's just being a thing here.

其實，我完全可以接受我們關係僅限於此地。

Wonderful.

太好了。

Well, let us fuck.

那麼，開搞吧。

Fast forward. Okay, we're having a fun time.

快轉，我們享受了一段快樂時光。

We're deepening our intimacy both emotionally and physically, and when one day we were lying in bed together, naked,

我們在情感和身體上都加深了聯繫，而有一天，我們赤裸地躺在床上時，

when he said, "I have something to tell you, but I feel like it's creepy."

他說：「我有件事要告訴你，但我覺得這事挺變態的。」

Zoom in on my big dumb stupid face.

快特寫我的笨臉。

What?

什麼？

Never mind.

沒事。

What? You can't just say you have something to tell me and you think it's creepy, and then say never mind.

啥？你不能說你有件有點詭異的事要告訴我，然後再說沒事。

Okay, I saw you in Ant-Man, and then I looked you up, and then I watched every single one of your videos,

好吧，我在《蟻人》中看到了你，然後我查了你的資料，然後看了你的每一支影片，

and then I saw you were doing this movie and I thought, wow, she's really cute

接著，我知道你在拍這部電影，想說「哇，她真的很可愛。」

and I reached out to the director on instagram, and I told her I'd work for free and fly myself out here,

所以我在 IG 上聯繫了導演，告訴她我可以免費工作，自己飛過來，

and then on the first day, I noticed that you didn't notice me, so I thought maybe it's my hat and so then I took off my hat.

然後，第一天我發現你沒注意到我，所以我就想也許是因為我的帽子，於是我脫下了帽子。

You seem to notice me.

你似乎就注意到我了。

Okay, out of all of the above, the hat detail really freaks me out because he wasn't wrong.

在上述所有事情中，帽子的細節真的嚇爆我，因為他是對的。

He may be a creep, but he was an attuned creep.

他可能是個變態，但他是個觀察入微的變態。

Okay, back to his frightening admission.

好，回到他嚇人的告白。

And then we met, and then we fell in love, and I thought "Wow, this is meant to be" and I know you said you were just in this for the fling, but you feel it too, right?

然後我們相遇相愛，我想「這真是命中註定」，我知道你說你只是玩玩，但你對我也有感覺，對吧？

I know I've only ever dated asian women my whole life, but this, this is different.

我這輩子只和亞洲女人約會，但這次，我們是特別的。

Zoom in on my big dumb stupid face that is attached to my naked body in a locked hotel room with this man that nobody knows I'm with in another country.

看看我那蠢臉，我還裸著身體，身處異國，和這個男人一起關在上鎖的飯店房間裡，沒人知道我在哪。

Now, at this point, I do what every woman in my situation would do.

所以，我做了每個女人處於這種情況下都會做的事。

Oh my god, that is crazy.

天啊，太瘋狂了吧。

I do my best to make sure that I get out of here alive.

我盡我所能，確保自己能活著離開。

You know what?

知道嗎？

We have a really early morning tomorrow. I should... I should go to sleep now.

我明天早上要很早起，我應該... 現在應該回去睡覺了。

Hmm, I really creeped you out, didn't I?

我嚇壞你了，對吧？

No, no! It's so sweet how you apparently became obsessed with me, and then pushed yourself into my professional life and built a relationship with me predicated on a lie.

不是，沒有！你顯然對我很痴迷，把自己牽涉進我的職業生涯中，跟我建立關係，而這一切都建立在謊言上，實在太甜蜜了。

It's just like the movies, like horror movies.

就像電影一樣，恐怖電影。

You know, I would've told you sooner, but I needed to make sure we fell in love.

我本來想早點告訴你的，但我需要確定我們相愛。

Oh my God.

天啊。

Obviously, I made it out alive, but it really didn't end there, guys.

我活著出來了，但一切並沒有結束。

He moved to L.A.

他搬到了洛杉磯。

And would apparently troll vegetarian restaurants that he knew I liked to try to run into me.

還會在他知道我喜歡的那些素食餐廳徘徊，試圖堵我。

It was... it was and continues to remain to be terrifying.

那時候... 一直到現在，這都讓我嚇到不行。

Yeah, you know, normally my videos have like a happy message at the end that wraps up a relatable moral for us all to, like take away, like feel good about.

通常，我的影片都會有個樂觀的結尾，點出相關道德觀，讓大家感覺有收穫、感覺好一點。

But today, today I'm just going to warn you people are scary, trust no one, build really high walls and never let them down.

但今天，我只是要警告你，人很可怕，不要相信任何人，對人築起心牆吧，永遠不要卸下心防。

Move to a mountain, live on a farm, build a cabin in the woods off the grid and never let another human being ever come near you because this, this is what could happen.

搬到山上、住進農場，或在森林裡蓋個與世隔絕的小木屋，永遠不要讓其他人接近你，因為這，這就是信任人的下場。

Bye bye.

再見囉。