Hey there, welcome to Conan O'brien needs a friend.

嗨，歡迎來到柯南-奧布賴恩需要一個朋友。

We had a little bit of a mishap just now.

我們剛才出了點小差錯。

Gourlay tried to count me in.

Gourlay試圖把我算進去。

I didn't know you were gonna count me in.

我不知道你會把我算進去。

I never count, you never do.

我從不計較，你也從不計較。

And so I just on my own started to say, hey there and welcome to as you were counting me in and it was awkward.

所以我就自己開始說，你好，歡迎你來，因為你在算計我，這很尷尬。

Yeah, it's, you know, you're actually sitting quiet waiting for us to shut up, which I don't think I've ever seen.

是的，你知道，你實際上是在安靜地坐著等我們閉嘴，我想我從來沒有見過這樣的情況。

You do I?

你是說我？

Well, sona is um she Jaber's, she's quite the jabber.

嗯，索納是嗯，她是賈比爾的人，她是相當愛說話的人。

You you're a talker, you know that, I mean, I like talking to matt a lot about things, you know, and so you were gibbering away and you were babbling over here matt and I was just waiting for there to be a moment for me to start the podcast.

你你是一個健談的人，你知道，我的意思是，我喜歡和馬特談論很多事情，你知道，所以你在胡言亂語，你在馬特這裡喋喋不休，我只是在等待有一個時刻讓我開始播客。

I don't even know what you're talking about.

我甚至不知道你在說什麼。

So you're complaining that Sona and I have a cordial and conversational and work relations on the nose and you don't like that.

所以你在抱怨我和索納有親切的對話和工作關係的鼻子，你不喜歡這樣。

Well, I think when it's time to get down to business business, then, you know, it's time for me to crack the whip, but you weren't doing anything.

好吧，我想當是時候進入正題的時候，那麼，你知道，是時候讓我敲打敲打鞭子了，但你沒有做任何事情。

You were just sitting there.

你只是坐在那裡。

So we just thought, okay, it's open season for chatting and I've seen you shoot remotes and sometimes you need an action like you need somebody to say, okay, you can start.

所以我們就想，好吧，現在是哈拉的開放季節，我見過你拍遙控器，有時你需要一個行動，比如你需要有人說，好吧，你可以開始了。

So I think that that's probably what you were waiting for.

所以我想，這可能是你在等待的東西。

It sounds like you know me better than I do.

聽起來你好像比我更瞭解我。

So, I mean good for you.

所以，我是說對你有好處。

You've observed me in the field, you've probably observed me over the years practicing my craft and uh you may know the real me.

你在現場觀察過我，你可能觀察過我多年來練習我的手藝，呃你可能知道真正的我。

I don't think I do.

我不認為我這樣做。

Well, we've I think so far failed to find a good start.

嗯，我們我認為到目前為止還沒有找到一個好的開始。

I don't know.

我不知道。

We haven't even mentioned the show who we are and what we do.

我們甚至還沒有提到展示我們是誰，我們做什麼。

So if that's what you mean by not off to a great start, I beg to differ you, I'm going to maintain that I'm not good at this.

是以，如果這就是你所說的沒有一個好的開始，我懇請你不要這樣做，我將堅持認為我不擅長這個。

I should have started right away by saying, Hey It's Conan O'Brien, welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend.

我應該馬上開始說，嘿，我是柯南-奧布萊恩，歡迎來到柯南-奧布萊恩需要一個朋友。

I didn't do any of that and I think we're 40 minutes in at this point.

我沒有做這些，我想我們這時已經有40分鐘了。

I don't judge time very well.

我不善於判斷時間。

You know what I do have I have an excellent sense of time.

你知道我有什麼，我有極好的時間觀念。

I do, yeah, meaning I can wake up in the middle of the night and if you ask me to guesstimate what time it is, I'll say I'm going to say it's like 2 20 then I'll look at the clock and it's 2 18 because some part of your subconscious is always like one eye open.

我是這樣做的，是的，意思是我可以在半夜醒來，如果你讓我猜測現在是什麼時候，我會說我要說現在是2點20分，然後我看一下時鐘，是2點18分，因為你潛意識的某些部分總是像睜著一隻眼睛。

It might be, but I do have that.

可能是這樣，但我確實有這個想法。

I'm able to guess the time and sometimes many times it's within 5, 10 minutes.

我能夠猜到時間，有時很多時候是在5、10分鐘之內。

What time is it right now.

現在是什麼時候。

Well, I've been podcasting for awhile.

好吧，我已經做了一段時間的播客了。

So I can't say, but let's see, let's see.

所以我不能說，但讓我們看看，讓我們看看。

we started you see now don't look jesus christ, I shouldn't have looked, I looked right at the huge red digital clock and he followed my eyes.

我們開始了，你看現在別看了，我不應該看，我直接看了巨大的紅色數字鐘，他跟著我的眼睛看。

If you put a gun to my head and say 203 and how many seconds?

如果你用槍指著我的頭，說203和多少秒？

Probably 35.

可能是35。

36 incredible.

36難以置信。

Um Yeah, it's just you know, there's a giant digital clock in the room.

嗯 是的，只是你知道，房間裡有一個巨大的數字鐘。

I know you were trying to test me just trying to keep a sharp bus.

我知道你是想試探我，只是想保持一個敏銳的總線。

I'm kato, I gotta come at you.

我是加藤，我得向你走來。

You know keep you sharp.

你知道讓你保持敏銳。

I like it.

我喜歡它。

I'm opposite with time.

我和時間是相反的。

I'll be like I up in the middle of the, I know you are, what time is it better than me?

我就像我在中間起來，我知道你是，什麼時間比我好？

It's four o'clock I wake up in the middle of the night I'm like that was a night, nice night of sleep and then it's midnight.

現在是四點鐘，我在半夜醒來，我覺得那是一個晚上，睡得很好，然後就到了午夜。

That's the worst.

這是最糟糕的。

Yeah.

是的。

I'm way off.

我說得很不對。

I think you might be way off though because you you get some pharmaceutical help at night.

我認為你可能會有偏差，因為你你在晚上得到一些藥物幫助。

Yeah you do the the edibles at night.

是的，你在晚上做了食用藥。

Not every night but yeah, a lot did you because it used to be de rigueur.

不是每天晚上，但是是的，很多人都這樣做，因為這曾經是慣例。

You always did, it always took edibles every night.

你總是這樣，每天晚上總是要吃食藥。

Then Mikey and charlie entered your life and to be a good mom, you probably can't have edibles right because you gave it straight to them.

然後米奇和查理進入了你的生活，為了成為一個好媽媽，你可能不能有食用的權利，因為你直接給了他們。

Well no.

嗯，沒有。

Yeah, I know.

是的，我知道。

Well when I was breastfeeding and then yeah, I think that there's a point where you're just kind of like go back to what I did before, but now they wake up sometimes you're listening to advice for new mothers, take a few gummies and funk it back with more advice to new mothers and new inmates soda.

好吧，當我在母乳餵養時，然後是的，我認為有一個點，你只是有點像回到我以前做的事情，但現在他們醒來時，有時你在聽對新媽媽的建議，採取一些軟糖和樂趣它回來與更多的建議新媽媽和新囚犯蘇打。

So no.

所以沒有。

So when did you decide to get back on the sweet sweet ganja?

那麼你是什麼時候決定重拾甜美的天麻的？

I think immediately when I was done breastfeeding I was like okay, now it's time for the sweet ganj to get back into my life.

我想，當我完成母乳餵養後，我馬上就覺得好了，現在是時候讓甜蜜的甘蔗重新進入我的生活了。

It's my thing, it's my advice you drink wine, I take edibles.

這是我的事情，這是我的建議，你喝葡萄酒，我吃食藥。

Would we ever do a segment where the three of us get high and it feels irresponsible, it feels like we're putting a message out there that you know, we think because it's a gateway drop you nerd.

我們會不會做一個我們三個人嗑藥的片段，這感覺是不負責任的，感覺我們把一個資訊放在那裡，你知道，我們認為因為這是一個門檻，你的書呆子。

I'm sorry, I can't have it, I can't.

對不起，我不能擁有它，我不能。

I am the Jack Webb comedy reference is it?

我是傑克-韋伯的喜劇參考是嗎？

I didn't get it just right through.

我沒有得到它只是通過。

I was being ironic you you're a fan of the old dragnets, right?

我是在諷刺你，你是一個老式捕快的粉絲，對嗎？

They're hilarious.

他們很滑稽。

It was a show um that's very much anti drug.

這是一個非常反毒品的節目嗯。

They're really funny, they're not intentionally but they're really funny and they're constantly um they're constantly yelling at hippies thing mankind has ever produced.

他們真的很有趣，他們不是故意的，但他們真的很有趣，他們不斷地嗯，他們不斷地大罵嬉皮士的事情，人類已經產生了。

And and and and they will always um rattle off.

而且，而且，他們總是會嗯嗯地響起來。

My favorite thing is trying to be educational, but the hippies were always over the top.

我最喜歡的是試圖做教育，但嬉皮士總是很誇張。

Comical and one of my favorite Jack webb, he did dragnet, I think he also did adam 12 and once the Adam 12 police, it was I'll never forget this exchange.

滑稽和我最喜歡的傑克-韋伯之一，他做了《龍門陣》，我想他還做了《亞當12號》，有一次《亞當12號》的警察，這是我永遠不會忘記的交流。

They pull over a was supposed to be a hippie on a motorcycle.

他們把一個應該是騎著摩托車的嬉皮士拉了過來。

And the representation by these really square 19 sixties, you know comedy writers who are probably in their fifties of a hippie was he's wearing like a World War one german helmet and he's got a he's got a monocle and he's incredibly disrespectful to the police and reed and Malloy, the two cops are patiently trying to tell him, you know, he broke the law and he's like yeah you know pigs, I smell bacon.

而這些真正方正的19世紀60年代的喜劇作家，你知道他們可能是50多歲的嬉皮士的代表，他戴著像第一次世界大戰的德軍頭盔，他有一個他有一個單片眼鏡，他對警察非常不尊重，裡德和馬洛伊，兩個警察正在耐心地試圖告訴他，你知道，他違反了法律，他就像你知道的豬，我聞到燻肉。

All this kind of ridiculous nonsense.

所有這種荒謬的廢話。

And then at one point they say well we're gonna have to fill out an F.

然後在一個點上，他們說好吧，我們要填寫一個F。

I report on you and the hippie says if I what does that stand for?

我報告了你，而那個嬉皮士說，如果我，那代表什麼呢？

Foolish idiot.

愚蠢的白痴。

And Malloy a reed says to him in this case, yes.

而馬洛伊一葦在這種情況下對他說，是的。

And the hippie goes, huh?

嬉皮士也走了，嗯？

And he's like Monica falls out like sick burn on the hippie.

而他就像莫妮卡掉了下來，像病態的燒傷在嬉皮士身上。

I love the depictions of hippies by square comedy writers in late sixties and early seventies tv.

我喜歡六十年代末和七十年代初電視上的廣場喜劇作家對嬉皮士的描述。

It's absolutely hilarious.

這絕對是很搞笑的。

Did you just watch that episode?

你剛剛看了那一集嗎？

No, no, that's burned into my brain.

不，不，這已經烙在我的腦子裡了。

There was a Jackie Gleason variety show where they were making fun of hippies and a hippie runs out and he's carrying a sign that says down with everything and you know everyone's tolerating and rolling their eyes at the unruly hippie and then I think they scare him by saying, look out here comes someone with a bar of soap and the hippie gets scared and runs away.

有一個傑基-格里森的綜藝節目，他們正在取笑嬉皮士，一個嬉皮士跑出來，他拿著一個牌子，上面寫著反對一切，你知道每個人都在容忍，對這個不守規矩的嬉皮士翻白眼，然後我想他們嚇唬他說，看這裡有人拿著一塊肥皂，這個嬉皮士被嚇跑了。

I mean come on, I swear to God, come on all this anti hippie stuff.

我的意思是，來吧，我向上帝發誓，來吧，所有這些反嬉皮士的東西。

It just cracked me up a kid and it still cracks me up.

它只是讓我這個孩子大吃一驚，現在仍然讓我大吃一驚。

I'm sitting between the biggest hippie so no always high head in the clouds and then the biggest square Conan O'brien.

我坐在最大的嬉皮士之間，所以沒有總是高高在上的雲端，然後是最大的廣場柯南-奧布賴恩。

That's true.

這倒是真的。

That's actually very true.

這實際上是非常正確的。

You're not a square though but you're what's cool about me?

你雖然不是一個正方形，但你是我的酷？

You know what?

你知道嗎？

I think you're a cool guy.

我認為你是一個很酷的人。

Seriously?

真的嗎？

Yeah.

是的。

Name something that's cool about me.

說出我的一些優點。

Seriously.

認真地說。

Name some one thing.

說出一些事情。

One thing that's cool.

有一件事是很酷的。

Don't don't don't think just by time what you said, you're a cool guy.

不要不要不要以為只是通過時間你說的話，你就是一個很酷的人。

What's kind of cool about?

什麼是有點酷？

Can I tell you what I think is cool, That cool comedians think that your comedy is cool.

我能告訴你我認為什麼是酷嗎？酷的喜劇演員認為你的喜劇是酷的。

So you yourself, I don't know but like the people, the people you have inspired are cool and that's cool.

所以你自己，我不知道，但是喜歡的人，你所啟發的人都很好，這很好。

Right?

對嗎？

But you you yourself this is the assignment assignment, it shouldn't be an assignment.

但是你你自己這是作業任務，它不應該是一個任務。

You should just be just running off at the mouth about all the cool things about Conan O'brien right now, you know you just made the whole thing about dragnet, you make it very hard for me to think about this stuff.

你現在應該只是口若懸河地談論關於柯南-奧布賴恩的所有很酷的事情，你知道你剛剛把整個事情說成是拖網，你讓我很難去思考這些東西。

I'm quite the ladies man the whole time.

我一直都是很有女人緣的。

I've I've worked for you, you've you've been in a lovely healthy relationship.

我已經我已經為你工作，你已經你已經在一個可愛的健康關係中。

Okay what what about this?

好吧，那這個呢？

True, guilty.

確實，有罪。

Yeah.

是的。

Which is which is cool.

哪個是哪個，都很好。

That's cool.

這很好。

I throw down with anyone.

我和任何人都能扔下。

You've seen me getting a few tussles in my day ever.

你已經看到我在我的日子裡得到了一些磨難。

I think that we always talk about the one fight you've been and that's so cool that you got beat up.

我想，我們總是談論你的那場比賽，你被打得太爽了。

You don't, you don't get into fights and stuff.

你不會，你不會去打架之類的。

You're not like, man.

你不喜歡，夥計。

All right.

好的。

I'm in a stable relationship and I've managed to avoid any kind of turbulence or violence, you know, cool in the whole wide world.

我有一段穩定的關係，我設法避免了任何形式的動盪或暴力，你知道，在整個廣闊的世界上，很酷。

Then Conan troubles around.

然後，柯南麻煩纏身。

He's home matt sleep.

他在家裡睡覺。

His wife made vegetables.

他的妻子做蔬菜。

She's so appreciative.

她是如此的感激。

Conan O'Brien.

柯南-奧布萊恩（Conan O'Brien）。

Did you hear about the big trouble that happened downtown?

你聽說過發生在市中心的大麻煩嗎？

Yeah.

是的。

Where was Conan?

柯南在哪裡？

He was at home checking his cholesterol apparently at 25.

他在家裡檢查他的膽固醇，顯然是25。

Not bad for a man.

對一個男人來說，這並不壞。

His age.

他的年齡。

Hey, did you hear what Conan is up to?

嘿，你聽說過柯南在做什麼嗎？

What's he up to?

他在做什麼？

He just read a book alongside his wife who was also reading a different book.

他剛剛和他的妻子一起讀了一本書，他的妻子也在讀另一本書。

Then what happened?

然後發生了什麼？

They turned in early.

他們早早地交了學費。

Conan O'brien.

柯南-奧布賴恩。

You better watch out if you're in his house in his bedroom.

如果你在他家的臥室裡，你最好小心點。

You might run into him.

你可能會碰見他。

That does sound pretty cool.

這聽起來確實很酷。

You are cool.

你真酷。

You are Commissioner?

你是專員？

Gordon just put up the Conan signal.

戈登剛剛掛出了柯南的信號。

Did Conan show up?

柯南出現了嗎？

No, he was at home with the windows closed and the shades pulled down.

不，他在家裡關著窗戶，拉下窗簾。

I don't like a breeze.

我不喜歡微風。

It interrupts my sleep patterns.

它打斷了我的睡眠模式。

You have 1000 leather jackets.

你有1000件皮夾克。

Whoa.

哇哦。

I just caused the Fonz.

我只是引起了方茲的注意。

I go to birthday parties for kids who don't even know who the Fonz is and I caused players someone they don't know.

我去參加那些甚至不知道方茲是誰的孩子的生日聚會，我造成了他們不知道的球員。

I go, you watch barry.

我去，你看著巴里。

He watched the acting teacher on barry.

他觀看了巴里身上的表演老師。

Imagine him much younger in the leather jacket and I'm the font.

想象一下，他穿著皮夾克的時候要年輕得多，而我就是那個字體。

Okay.

好的。

And then they escort me out of the birthday party, which you weren't invited to, which I was invited to.

然後他們護送我離開生日聚會，你沒有被邀請參加，我被邀請參加了。

Anyway.

無論如何。

Sir, if you come up, if you show up at another bar mitzvah birthday party, you're in serious trouble.

先生，如果你上來，如果你出現在另一個成人禮的生日聚會上，你就有大麻煩了。

We're talking to kona to the Fonz.

我們正在向方舟子談論科納。