Melissa. Well, I wonder where it went.

Melissa，給你飛吻。不知道它跑去哪了。

Or when someone tries to show you a photo on their phone.

或是當有人想要給你看他們手機上的照片時。

Oh my God, Let me show you.

我的天，我給你看照片。

You can just find it and show me later. - No, it's fine. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait.

你可以找到之後再給我看。- 不用，沒關係。等等。

But what really bothers me is when people do not know how to gossip correctly.

但真正困擾我的是，人們不知道如何正確地說別人閒話。

Yes, you heard me.

是的，你沒聽錯。

I do believe in healthy constructive means to gossip.

我相信健康且有建設性的講八卦是可以的。

Here's an example of how you don't do it.

這裡有一個例子是錯誤的講八卦。

Oh my God, she's such an uggo. Her forehead is like the size of Kansas.

我的天，她好醜。她的額頭就跟堪薩斯州一樣大。

Here is an example of how you do.

接著是如何正確的講八卦。

I think her insecurity stunts from her relationship with her mom.

我覺到她的不安全感來自於她跟她媽媽的關係。

Have you seen them interact?

你看過他們怎麼互動的嗎？

She's really critical of Chloe's appearance and I think she's internalized that message.

她媽媽對 Chloe 的外表非常挑剔，我想她把這種批評都吸收進去了。

So gossiping about someone behavior and the potential causes for that behavior as it means to further understand them and depersonalize actions you may have been taking personally is the only way to gossip.

講某人的八卦這樣的行為和它潛在原因代表要進一步了解對方並讓妳可能一直在個人採取的行動去個性化是唯一的八卦方式。

Now, obviously like I'm not encouraging you to go out and start psychoanalyzing all of your friends behind their backs.

我不是鼓勵你現在就在朋友的背後開始進行心理分析。

But if you do feel like you're the kind of person who talks negatively about someone's appearance, superficial qualities or circumstances without any real reflection on their rude behavior,

但是，如果你確實覺得自己是那種會對某人的外表、膚淺的性質或存在的環境發表負面評論的人，且對他們的粗魯行為沒有任何真正的反思，

you're not gossiping, you are just straight up talking shit.

你不是在講八卦，你只是在說廢話而已。

Gossiping without a desire to understand or expand your not about the person is just straight up venting, which is okay, fine.

在不想了解或擴大你對這個人的看法的情況下八卦只是直接發洩，這沒關係。

I live in the real world. Sometimes you just need to vent.

我生活在現實世界中，人有時都需要發洩的。

And I have fallen victim to this too, you know, I could be a very petty princess.

我也成了這個行為的受害者，他們會說我是一個非常小氣的公主。

I'm not above lashing out when I'm hurt.

當我受傷時，我不會不顧一切地大發雷霆。

Also, this can toe the line with triangulation, but the difference here is triangulation is meant to convey a message to a third party.

此外，這可能跟三角關係一樣，但不一樣的地方是，三角關係是向第三方傳達信息。

So I would talk to Michelle, hoping that she would talk to Melissa.

比方說我會和 Michelle 談談，希望她能和 Melissa 談談。

Gossiping about a third party to get clarity on why they are acting a certain way is gathering information for yourself so you can figure out how to move forward and show show up in a relationship

八卦第三方的人來弄清楚他們為什麼會做初某些行為是為你自己收集信息，這樣你就可以弄清楚如何往前改進並在一段友誼中付出努力。

And I would also have you consider: if you gossip about someone enough, maybe it's time to have an open and honest conversation with them.

我還想讓你思考一下這個問題：如果你對某個人的八卦夠多了，也許是時候與他們進行一次開誠佈公的對談了。

Yes, it can be hard, it can be harsh and hey, it could backfire in your freaking face.

是的，這可能很難，可能很刺耳，也可能會適得其反。

But as I've called my friend group these past two years and taken off my armor to approach the very scary qualities of vulnerability and intimacy,

但是當我在過去兩年給我的朋友群打電話並脫下我武裝的盔甲去接近我可怕的脆弱和親密感時，

I've found that the people who are my people embrace these conversations even if they're hard, especially when they're hard.

我發現我的朋友會接受這些內容，即使聽著很痛苦，尤其真的很刺耳的時候。

You know, we don't know what we don't know and we can't fix it if we aren't aware of it.

我們不會了解自己本來就不知道的東西，如果不知道就沒有辦法去改進。

So I am very thankful when someone respects me enough to tell me how I've hurt them because I know that's an opportunity to make it right.

當有人夠尊重我並告訴我我如何傷害他們時，我會非常感激，因為我知道這是糾正錯誤的機會。

Plus, if it makes you feel better about this whole thing, I talk to my therapist about this of course and this is basically what's known as a consultation group.

另外，如果這會讓你對整件事感覺好些的話，我當然會和我的治療師談談這件事，這基本上就是所謂的諮詢小組。

So therapists will actually get together and talk about the problems of their clients to each other to have additional support or ideas on how to treat issues, et cetera.

治療師會聚在一起，互相談論他們客戶遇到的問題，獲得額外的支持或關於如何治療問題的想法，等等。

Of course, without compromising identities, but just so you know, it's therapist sanctioned.

當然，是在不暴露身份隱私的情況下，但你知道，這是治療師批准的。

I'm Anna Akana and thank you the patrons who supported today's video and thank you to Nord VPN for sponsoring today's episode.

我是 Anna Akana，感謝贊助今天影片的贊助人，感謝 Nord VPN 贊助今天的節目。