You're probably keeping a secret right now.

你現在可能正在保守一個祕密。

When we keep a secret,

當我們保守祕密的時候。

we're often trying to protect something.

我們經常試圖保護一些東西。

Maybe we're trying to protect

也許我們正試圖保護

ourselves and our reputation,

我們自己和我們的聲譽。

or what other people think of us,

或其他人對我們的看法。

or maybe we're trying to protect

或者，也許我們正試圖保護

someone we care about.

我們關心的人。

But when we hold back from other people,

但當我們對其他人有所保留時。

it's not always protecting the thing

不一定能保護好這個東西

that we're hoping to protect,

我們希望保護的。

and it often brings harm

而它往往帶來傷害

to our personal health and wellbeing.

對我們的個人健康和福祉。

That can feel really isolating,

這可能會讓人感到非常孤立。

and it can feel like it's something

而且它可以感覺到這是一個

you should be ashamed of.

你應該感到羞愧。

And feelings of shame are one of

而羞恥感是其中一個

the most toxic emotions

最有毒的情緒

that we can have for our health.

我們可以為我們的健康擁有的。

When we feel ashamed,

當我們感到羞愧時。

we feel like we're a bad person

我們覺得自己是個壞人

and that there's nothing

並說沒有什麼

we can do to change that.

我們可以做些什麼來改變這種狀況。

But also, that secret is gonna be

但同時，這個祕密也將是

on your mind quite frequently,

在你的腦海中相當頻繁。

and your mind is gonna return

而你的思想將回歸

to that secret time and time again.

對這個祕密一次又一次。

We're living with those secrets alone in our thoughts,

我們獨自帶著這些祕密生活在我們的思想中。

and when we choose to be alone with something,

以及當我們選擇與某些東西獨處時。

we often don't develop the healthiest way

我們常常不以最健康的方式發展

of thinking about that thing.

的思考那件事。

Once you better understand

一旦你更好地瞭解

how your secrets are hurting you,

你的祕密是如何傷害到你的。

you can have a better sense of

你可以有一個更好的感覺

how you can cope with them.

你可以如何應對它們。

My name is Michael Slepian.

我的名字是Michael Slepian。

I'm a professor at Columbia,

我是哥倫比亞大學的一名教授。

and I study the psychology of secrecy.

我研究保密的心理學。

My book is called "The Secret Life of Secrets:

我的書叫《祕密的生活》。

How Our Inner World Shape Well-Being,

我們的內心世界是如何塑造幸福的。

Relationships, and Who We Are."

關係，以及我們是誰"。

Not all secrets are bad,

並非所有的祕密都是壞事。

sometimes secrets are good

有時祕密是好的

and sometimes we feel good

有時我們感覺很好

about the secrets we're keeping:

關於我們所保留的祕密。

surprise parties, announcing a pregnancy,

驚喜派對，宣佈懷孕。

proposing marriage to someone,

向某人求婚。

or maybe it's a sense of status

或者也許是一種地位感

that comes from having a workplace secret.

這來自於擁有一個工作場所的祕密。

What makes something a secret

是什麼讓某些東西成為了祕密

is when you intend to hold back

是指你打算忍耐的時候

this particular information from one or more people-

這個特定的資訊來自一個或多個人-

and we can distinguish secrecy from privacy.

而我們可以將保密與隱私區分開來。

Privacy is not a specific intent

隱私不是一個具體的意圖

to hold information back,

來保留資訊。

but it's just needing to be comfortable enough

但它只是需要足夠的舒適度

in the moment to reveal something sensitive.

在這一時刻，揭示了一些敏感的東西。

And our secrets can range from

而我們的祕密可以從

totally trivial to troubling.

完全瑣碎到令人不安。

When I first started this research,

當我第一次開始這項研究時。

one of the most important questions

最重要的問題之一

to understand is what do people keep secret?

要了解的是，人們保留什麼祕密？

We didn't even have a good understanding of that.

我們甚至沒有很好地理解這一點。

And so I asked a couple thousand people,

於是我問了幾千個人。

'What's the secret you're currently keeping?'

'你目前所保守的祕密是什麼？

And we found 38 different categories,

而我們發現了38個不同的類別。

and we know that these 38 categories

而我們知道，這38個類別

of secrets are really comprehensive

的祕密真的很全面

because when I ask someone open-ended,

因為當我問別人開放式的

'What is the secret you're currently keeping?'

'你目前所保守的祕密是什麼？

92% of the time,

92%的時間。

it fits one of the 38 categories from the list-

它符合列表中38個類別中的一個--

and 97% of people say they have

和97%的人說他們有

at least one of the secrets

至少有一個祕密

from the list right now.

現在就從列表中刪除。

And the average person

而普通人

has 13 of those secrets

有13個這樣的祕密

at any given moment in time.

在任何特定的時間點上。

The top five most common secrets are about:

最常見的前五個祕密是關於。

lies we've told,

我們所講的謊言。

romantic desire,

浪漫的慾望。

our finances and money,

我們的財務和金錢。

sexual behavior,

性行為。

and what I call 'extra-relational thoughts,'

以及我所說的'關係外的思想'，

where you're in a romantic relationship with someone

你與某人有戀愛關係的地方

and you're having some romantic thought

而你有一些浪漫的想法

about another person.

關於另一個人。

Other common secrets are:

其他常見的祕密是。

family secrets,

家庭的祕密。

secret ambitions,

祕密的野心。

secret beliefs,

祕密信仰。

secret discontents, whether at work,

祕密的不滿，無論是在工作中。

social life, romantic life,

社會生活，浪漫生活。

or our physical appearance.

或我們的身體外觀。

I forgot what my last item was.

我忘了我的最後一項是什麼。

Oh yeah, cheating.

哦，是的，作弊。

A secret can harm you,

祕密會傷害你。

unfortunately so many ways,

不幸的是，在許多方面。

in that even if you're not hiding

在於，即使你不隱藏

the secret in a given moment,

在某一特定時刻的祕密。

it still could be burdensome to you.

它仍然可能給你帶來負擔。

It could still be harming your well-being

它仍然可能損害你的福祉

and that's because people frequently

而這是因為人們經常

feel ashamed of their secrets,

對自己的祕密感到羞愧。

isolated with their secrets,

與他們的祕密隔絕。

inauthentic for keeping those secrets.

保持這些祕密是不真實的。

And when the secret deals

而當祕密交易

with something that is an ongoing struggle

鬥爭不休的東西

or something we're trying to figure out,

或我們正在努力弄清楚的事情。

when we're alone with something,

當我們獨自面對一些事情的時候。

we tend to not figure it out.

我們往往搞不清楚。

We're more likely to ruminate on that thing-

我們更有可能反芻那件事------。

and rumination is not just repetitive thinking,

而反芻不僅僅是重複思考。

it's repetitive negative thinking.

這是重複性的消極思維。

So it's all too easy to find

所以很容易找到

the worst way to think about a secret

最壞的思考方式

when we're alone with it.

當我們與它獨處時。

Psychologist John Cacioppo said something

心理學家John Cacioppo說了一句話

once to the effect of,

一次，大意如下：

"Loneliness is so harmful to your health

"孤獨對你的健康是如此有害

that it's equivalent to smoking

說它相當於吸菸

a pack of cigarettes a day."

一天一包煙"。

And it just goes to show you

而這恰恰說明了你

that social relationships are such

社會關係是這樣的

a huge part of life

生活的巨大部分

and feeling satisfied with that life.

並對這種生活感到滿意。

And when we choose to keep a secret

而當我們選擇保守祕密的時候

in a very small way

微不足道

or sometimes big way,

或有時是大的方式。

we're choosing loneliness.

我們正在選擇孤獨。

We're choosing to be alone with something.

我們正在選擇與某些東西獨處。

But we don't have to be.

但我們不一定要這樣。

It's all too easy to forget about

這一切都太容易讓人忘記

the other side of secrecy

祕密的另一面

which is that sharing a secret

就是說，分享一個祕密

with another person is a profound act of intimacy.

與另一個人相處是一種深刻的親密行為。

If it takes courage to reveal something to someone,

如果向別人透露一些事情需要勇氣。

they'll recognize that.

他們會認識到這一點。

When you make yourself vulnerable

當你讓自己變得脆弱時

or when you place your trust in another person,

或當你把你的信任放在另一個人身上。

this is the stuff of intimate relationships,

這就是親密關係的內容。

and revealing these kinds of things

並揭示了這類事情

is how we become known.

是我們成為知名人士的方式。

Mutual disclosure with others

與他人相互披露

is one of the strongest predictors

是最有力的預測因素之一

of relationship strength.

的關係強度。

It can feel really good

可以感覺非常好

to reveal a secret to someone.

向別人透露祕密。

It can feel really good

可以感覺非常好

to have that weight lifted from your shoulders,

來解除你肩上的重擔。

but it turns out,

但事實證明。

that's not what is helpful

這不是有用的東西

about revealing a secret.

關於揭開一個祕密。

It's not that moment of catharsis.

這不是那種宣洩的時刻。

It's what happens after that,

這就是之後發生的事情。

because the average person

因為一般人

responds in a helpful way.

以一種有幫助的方式作出迴應。

The prototypical experience people have

人們的原型體驗

with confiding a secret is a helpful one.

傾訴祕密是一種有益的方式。

And that might be in part

而這可能在一定程度上是

because we've chosen our confidants carefully,

因為我們精心選擇了我們的知己。

but it's also because there's so much

但這也是因為有如此多的

that other people can offer

其他人可以提供的

that are really hard to find on our own.

我們自己真的很難找到。

Someone can validate your experience

有人可以驗證你的經驗

or express sympathy and say,

或表示同情並說。

"That must be so hard,

"那一定很困難。

or I'm here for you,"

或者我在這裡為你服務。"

or give guidance or advice or emotional support.

或給予指導或建議或情感支持。

These are things that are

這些東西都是

so hard to find on our own,

我們自己很難找到。

but are really easy

但真的很容易

for someone to provide to us.

供人提供給我們。

And so often, that's what

而往往，這就是

makes revealing a secret beneficial.

使得透露祕密變得有利。

If you ask a young child

如果你問一個年輕的孩子

to tell you what a secret is,

來告訴你什麼是祕密。

they might tell you that

他們可能會告訴你，

it's something you would only share

這是你只願意分享的東西

with your best friend.

與你最好的朋友。

They understand secrets are meant to be shared.

他們明白祕密是用來分享的。

This is how we get close to people.

這就是我們接近人們的方式。

This is how we become known.

這就是我們成為知名人士的方式。

This is how we get help.

這就是我們獲得幫助的方式。

And when you choose to keep a secret,

而當你選擇保守一個祕密的時候。

you are forgoing all those benefits.

你放棄了所有這些好處。

You don't have to share it

你不需要分享它

with the person you're keeping it from,

與你保留它的人。

but talking about it with someone else

但與別人談論它

often is so profoundly helpful.

往往是如此深遠的幫助。

It deepens that relationship,

它加深了這種關係。

and gets you the help that you need.

並讓你得到你需要的幫助。