And it's been said that all we need are 50 words in a foreign language in order to speak it.

據說我們只需要掌握 50 個單詞就能說一種外文了。

Well, Perel says that in the language of intimacy, basic fluency comes down to just seven verbs, and they are: to ask, to take, to receive, to give, to share, to refuse, and to play.

Perel 說，在親密關係的語言中，基本的流利程度可以歸結為七個動詞，它們是：請求、接受、給予、分享、拒絕和玩耍。

Our understanding of intimacy as adults comes from our earliest experiences with these verbs, from our primary caregivers.

我們對成人親密關係的理解來自我們對這些動詞的最初體驗，也就是來自我們的主要照顧者。

And in order to learn how we can be better at love, we need to examine each of these verbs and how we were loved.

而為了學習我們如何能在「愛」這方面做得更好，我們需要看過這些動詞以及我們是如何被愛的。

Perel encourages us to go through each verb and see how we can improve our relationship to it.

Perel 鼓勵我們去查看每一個動詞，看看自己能夠如何改善與它之間的關係。

So for example, to ask.

例如，請求。

How comfortable are you with asking for your wants and needs to be met?

你對於自己敢提出要求來滿足自己的需求感到滿意嗎？

Are you overzealous about asking for things?

你是否過分熱衷於索取呢？

Or do you bite your tongue, hoping your partner can mind read?

還是你會咬牙切齒，希望自己的另一伴應該要讀懂你在想什麼呢？

To take.

接受。

Do we allow ourselves to engage in pleasure fully, to feel deserving of it?

我們是否會讓自己充分享受快樂，感受自己應得的喜悅呢？

Do we feel that we're allowed to take affection and attention to receive the most vulnerable verb of all?

我們是否覺得自己可以用感情和注意力來接受最脆弱的動詞呢？

Can you acknowledge that someone wants to give to you and make you feel good?

你能認可真的有人願意為你付出並讓你感覺很好嗎？

Receiving demands, vulnerability because it asks us to be seen and to be known.

接受要求、脆弱性，因為它要求我們被看到和被了解。

It's much easier for a lot of us to give rather than to receive.

對我們很多人來說，給予比接受要容易得多。

But can you feel good about yourself as is especially when someone likes and accepts you?

但是你能自我感覺良好，尤其是當有人喜歡並接受你的時候嗎？

On the flip side, to give. Maybe you're horrible at it.

另一方面，給予。 也許你很在這方面很不擅長。

Maybe you give purely to avoid conflict or to pave over a mistake.

也許你付出純粹是為了避免衝突或為錯誤找出路。

Maybe you over give or maybe you're really stingy in a single category of giving whether it's time, attention, help, gifts.

也許你付出過多，或者你在給予的的時候真的很吝嗇，無論是在時間、注意力、幫助還是禮物上。

To share.

分享。

How is your mindset?

你的心態是什麼？

Are you abundant or focused on lack?

你是充實還是專注於缺乏？

Do you feel threatened by the idea of sharing?

你是否對於分享的想法感到有威脅感呢？

Does it feel like you're being deprived of something or that it threatens your safety?

你是否感覺自己被剝奪了某些東西或威脅到你的安全呢？

To refuse.

拒絕。

Some of us have a big difficulty with refusing.

很多人覺得拒絕很困難。

So we say "yes, yes, yes" and we self betray over commit in harbor resentment.

所以我們只會說「好」，導致我們在懷恨在心的情況下背叛自己的意願。

Maybe we learned that saying "no" came with consequences or that saying "no" is unkind.

也許我們了解到說「不」會帶來後果，或者說「不」是不友善的。

When really, saying no to our partner, helps them understand our boundaries, comfort level and needs.

但其實，拒絕另一伴、讓他們了解自己的底線、舒適的程度，還有需求才是對的。

And finally, to play.

最後，玩耍

To feel safe enough with another person to engage in creativity, imagination, and explore.

與一個人待在一起時感到足夠安全，可以進行創造力、想像力和探索。

To lay aside our sense of self and be silly or sit quietly in the present or problem-solve together.

拋開我們的自我意識，變得愚蠢，或者安靜地坐在當下，或者一起解決問題。

Behind each of these are the answers to how we learned to love and be loved.

每一個動詞背後都是我們如何學會愛與被愛的答案。

It gave us a blueprint for our emotional scorecards.

它為我們的情緒提供了藍圖。

Did we learn not to expect too much?

我們學會不要期望太多了嗎？

Did we dare to not be afraid?

我們敢不害怕嗎？

Was pleasure celebrated, suspiciously tolerated or simply dismissed?

快樂是被慶祝、被懷疑地容忍還是被就這樣被摒棄了？

And looking at this list.

看看這個清單。

Which verbs are you weakest at? Which could use improvement? Which are you currently ace in?

你最不擅長哪些動詞？ 哪些可以使用改進？ 你目前哪個表現得最好？

And then we didn't have a choice in creating our definitions and relationships to these verbs.

我們沒有辦法選擇創建我們與這些動詞的定義和關係。

The power to change our current relationship to them and show up in a more lovingly way is fully within our control.

改變我們之間的關係並以更親切的方式出現的力量完全在我們的控制之下。

And challenging yourself to show up in these clunky verbs that make you feel vulnerable, scared, intimidated and probably want to run and hide.

挑戰自己出現在這些動詞中，這些動詞會讓你感到脆弱、害怕ㄈ，可能還想逃跑和躲藏。

That is how you develop true intimacy.

這才是發展親密關係的真實方式。

That is how you become better at love.

這才是在愛這方面表現得更好的方式。

I'm Anna Akana.

我是 Anna Akana.。