He was furious, he came over, he shouted at me, You have an idyllic childhood a brilliant childhood, how can you say that stupid girl?

他很生氣，他走過來，對我喊道：你有一個田園詩般的童年一個燦爛的童年，你怎麼能說這個傻姑娘呢？

And then I just felt confused and like I got something wrong and um I didn't I didn't feel any better.

然後我就覺得很困惑，好像我弄錯了什麼，嗯，我沒有，我沒有感覺到任何好轉。

We want our Children to be happy so much that we tried to scold them into it.

我們非常希望我們的孩子能夠快樂，以至於我們試圖責罵他們。

But but that doesn't work if we don't accept all of our feelings, all of the child's feelings as well as just their happy ones.

但是，如果我們不接受我們所有的感受，不接受孩子所有的感受，也不接受他們的快樂感受，那就沒有用。

We are teaching a child that great chunks of them are unacceptable.

我們正在教育孩子，他們中的大塊頭是不可接受的。

What my dad could have done instead of telling me off for having inconvenient feelings, he could have tried to find out more about them.

我父親本可以做的，而不是因為我有不方便的感覺而對我說三道四，他本可以試著去了解一下這些感覺。

So how are you feeling?

那麼你的感覺如何？

When do you feel that?

你什麼時候有這種感覺？

Where do you feel that?

你在哪裡感覺到的？

Yeah, I can understand that.

是的，我可以理解。

What he missed out then was a moment of connection and what we want with our Children more than anything are moments of connection are a good relationship where we're both on the same page and we both get each other.

他當時錯過的是連接的時刻，而我們對孩子最想要的是連接的時刻，是一種良好的關係，我們都在同一起跑線上，我們都能理解對方。

That is the main thrust of my philosophy actually is that we concentrate far too much on the child and correcting the child and molding the child and we don't concentrate half enough on our relationship.

這就是我的哲學的主旨，實際上就是我們把太多的精力放在孩子身上，糾正孩子，塑造孩子，而對我們的關係卻沒有一半的精力。

How were we interacting, how we affecting each other.

我們是如何互動的，我們如何影響對方。

We know that Children want love but they also need boundaries.

我們知道，兒童想要愛，但他們也需要界限。

So you love someone, but then you have to tell them no, it's a very difficult thing to do uh navigate, but it's a lot easier when instead of defining the child, you are this you are that you must, we instead define ourselves.

所以你愛一個人，但你必須告訴他們不，這是一個非常困難的事情呃導航，但當我們不是定義孩子，你是這個你是那個你必須，而是定義我們自己時，就容易多了。

You may be ready to take the night bus, but I'm not quite there yet.

你可能已經準備好坐夜班車了，但我還沒準備好。

You're gonna have to wait for me to be ready with the idea of you age 13 on a night bus because I'm not quite there yet.

你得等我準備好你13歲在夜車上的想法，因為我還沒有完全準備好。

But if you say you are no way capable of catching that bus on your own, how does that feel when you get that?

但是，如果你說你沒有辦法自己趕上那輛公車，當你得到這種感覺時，會有什麼感覺？

You just want to fight back, define yourself and not the child when it comes to putting down boundaries.

你只想反擊，定義自己而不是孩子，當涉及到放下界限的時候。

And this might be not only about catching night busses, but you know when you're with a four year old in the playground and they say I want to stay here forever and you say we're going in five minutes because you've had enough.

這可能不僅是指趕夜班車，而且你知道當你和一個四歲的孩子在操場上，他們說我想永遠呆在這裡，你說我們五分鐘後就走，因為你已經受夠了。

That's not very nice for them to hear as well, what they need to hear from you is the truth.

這對他們來說也不是很好聽，他們需要從你那裡聽到的是真相。

They need a relationship with you.

他們需要與你建立關係。

You have to be authentic.

你必須是真實的。

And so although it sounds like you're being selfish, you're not hiding anything when you say I'm bored, I'm cold.

是以，雖然聽起來你很自私，但當你說我很無聊，我很冷時，你並沒有隱瞞什麼。

So we're going in five minutes.

是以，我們在五分鐘後出發。

And also it teaches Children emotional intelligence because emotional intelligence, a great part of it is knowing what you feel and then from that, knowing what you want and then asking for it, you might not get it, but at least, you know who you are and where your needs and wants are coming from, which is your feelings.

它還教給孩子們情商，因為情商的很大一部分是知道你的感受，然後從中知道你想要什麼，然後要求得到它，你可能不會得到它，但至少，你知道你是誰，你的需求和願望來自哪裡，這就是你的感受。

This might seem quite long winded because what you want to say is do this now, because that seems like really quick and gets everything done very expediently, but it doesn't help your relationship with your child, which is what your child needs above all things.

這可能看起來很囉嗦，因為你想說的是現在就去做，因為這看起來真的很快，而且能非常迅速地完成所有事情，但這無助於你和孩子的關係，而這正是你的孩子最需要的。

So there's no way of not investing time, invest it early first, positively, rather than try and get away with it and then have to invest an awful lot more time negatively.

是以，沒有辦法不投資時間，先早期投資，積極地投資，而不是試圖擺脫它，然後不得不投入非常多的時間，消極地投資。

Later think of it like this, you're on a train journey with a toddler and you've got coloring books, a packet of Sylvain ian families or lego or something and a little picture book and you just wish the kid would involve themselves with this stuff.

後來我這樣想，你帶著一個蹣跚學步的孩子在火車上旅行，你有塗色書，一包西爾文-伊恩家庭或樂高或其他東西，還有一本小圖畫書，你只是希望孩子能參與這些東西。

So you can get on with your novel.

所以你可以繼續寫你的小說了。

I mean, that's human if you go, what have we got here and play with them so that they don't have to work to get your attention so that they know they can depend on you then that frees them up to become involved in whatever games or toys they devise from whatever there is in front of them, they might find you're not very good at talking teddy or whatever it is.

我的意思是，這就是人類，如果你去，我們在這裡得到了什麼，並與他們一起玩，使他們不必努力去吸引你的注意，使他們知道他們可以依賴你，那麼這使他們能夠參與到他們面前的任何遊戲或玩具中去，他們可能會發現你不是很擅長談論泰迪或任何東西。

So they'll grab it off you and take over and they'll talk teddy and then they'll get on what I used to call autopilot when my daughter reach this stage.

所以他們會從你身上搶過來，然後他們會說泰迪，然後他們就會進入我女兒達到這個階段時我稱之為自動駕駛的狀態。

Now this is true of independence in Children in general.

現在，一般來說，兒童的獨立性也是如此。

So the more you push your child to independence, the more they'll come back and want to cling to you, the more you're available and dependable, the freer they'll feel to go off and explore.

是以，你越是把孩子推向獨立，他們就越會回來，越想依附於你，你越是可利用和可依賴，他們就會覺得越自由，越能去探索。

So don't push them away, just be there, be dependable, be available.

所以不要把他們推開，只要在那裡，要可靠，要有機會。

And then they'll know they can come back to you when they want to take their explorations out into the world with your kid.

然後他們就會知道，當他們想帶著你的孩子到外面的世界去探索時，他們可以回來找你。

You are setting up within them a blueprint for all their future relationships, not only their future relationship with you, but their future relationships with the wider family, the community society and indeed the world.

你在他們內心為他們未來的所有關係建立了藍圖，不僅是他們未來與你的關係，還有他們未來與更廣泛的家庭、社區社會乃至世界的關係。

And we want a world where people listen to each other, take their feelings into account, collaborate and not a world where people are dismissed done to a manipulated people do as they are done too.

我們想要一個人們互相傾聽、考慮他們的感受、合作的世界，而不是一個人們被解僱、被操縱、隨心所欲的世界。

So let's do the best for our kids.

是以，讓我們為我們的孩子做得最好。

And I'm optimistic.

而且我很樂觀。

And it's really important to be optimistic that our kids will get where they want to be.

而且，樂觀地認為我們的孩子會到達他們想去的地方，這一點真的很重要。

And I'm optimistic that we can do this, believe in your kids, that they can do this.

我很樂觀，我們可以做到這一點，相信你的孩子，他們可以做到這一點。

And I believe in you.

而且我相信你。