Just kidding. It was me, it was me years ago.

開玩笑的，其實是我，多年前的我。

I'm just throwing this video into a wormhole to the past to warn myself about my doomed emotional affair.

我要把這段影片扔進通往過去的蟲洞裡，警告自己，我的感情糾葛註定要走向滅亡。

If you're the other woman, let me tell you right now, RUN. Go, get out.

如果你是第三者，讓我現在告訴你，快跑，快逃吧。

Look, I know that they're probably telling you, I'm gonna break up with them.

聽著，我知道他們可能告訴你：「我會跟他分手的。」

I'm just waiting for the right time, babe.

「我只是在等合適的時機，寶貝。」

I wanna be with you and I will be, soon, eventually.

「我想跟你在一起，很快就會跟你在一起的，最終。」

But surprise surprise to absolutely no one, except my past self.

但除了過去的我自己，絕對沒有人會對結局感到驚訝。

Oh, girl, just a heads up.

女孩，只是想提醒你一下。

Everything he said is a lie.

他說的每句話都是謊言。

He's a liar.

他是個騙子。

What?

什麼？

- No, I'm not. - No, I'm not.

- 我才不是。 - 我才不是。

- How are you doing that? - How are you doing that?

- 你怎麼做到的？- 你怎麼做到的？

Anna, baby, your future self was totally wrong.

Anna 寶貝，未來的你完全在胡扯。

Oh my God, dude, stop. John Jacob Jingle Jingleheimer Schmidt. Pudding! Ahhhh!

天阿，快停止。王老先生有塊地！布丁！啊啊啊啊！

I think the problem with being the other woman, the mistress, the side piece

我認為我們對第三者、情婦、小三的問題，

is that we often overlook that these people are often manipulated.

是大家常常忽略了這些人通常是被操縱的。

They're given hope yum that they're not gonna be in this entangled affair for too long,

他們被賦予希望，認為自己不會在這種糾纏不清的狀態中太久，

that they're... it's just in this transitory phase that's leading to a relationship.

這只是過渡階段，最終會進入穩定戀情的。

And I know that's sort of a general statement, right?

我知道這說法有點籠統，是吧？

Because I can't cover every single instance of affairs that have ever happened.

因為我無法涵蓋曾經發生過的每一個實例。

But in my personal experience, no one I know who has been, like, the other person wants to stay the other person and have been led to believe that commitment is on the table eventually.

但就我個人而言，我認識的人中沒有想一直當小三的，他們被引導相信承諾最終會兌現。

And we often vilify the other woman way more than we do the person who was in the committed relationship.

而且我們詆譭第三者的程度，往往比譴責那個處於關係中的人更多。

It's sort of like...

這有點像...

For the counts of armed robbery, murder in the first-degree, obstruction of justice, and aggravated assault,

武裝搶劫、一級謀殺、妨礙司法公正和嚴重傷害罪等罪行，

I sentence you to three months in jail.

處三個月有期徒刑。

For driving the getaway car, I sentence you to life in prison.

而協助駕車逃亡，處終身監禁。

Wait, what?

等等，什麼？

Life in prison.

終身監禁。

But I didn't even step foot in the bank. I didn't carry a gun.

但我甚至沒踏進銀行一步，也沒帶槍。

I just sat in a car and listen to music.

我只是坐在車裡聽音樂。

Life in jail.

終身監禁。

Gavel, gavel, gavel, gavel.

肅靜，肅靜，肅靜，肅靜。

It's really hard to say that.

好難發音。

And even if they do leave their relationship, then what?

即便他們真的離開了原本的關係，那又怎樣？

Do you think that's a great foundation for trust?

這是信任對方的好基礎嗎？

I think it sows the seeds of insecurity that this person is going to leave you for someone else eventually.

我認為這會播下不安全感的種子，讓你感覺這個人最終會為了別人而離開你。

And look, I get it's hard when you have feelings for someone, when you love them and they're telling you that this deceit or betrayal that you're partaking in is just a means to an end.

聽著，我明白這很困難，當你對某人有感情，愛他們，而他們卻告訴你，你所參與的這種欺騙或背叛只是達到目的的一種手段，

It's really easy to justify that what you're doing is for love, that this murky phase will end soon.

你很容易以愛之名為之辯護，安慰自己這個陰暗的階段很快就會結束。

But it very, very rarely ends the way that we think it will.

但事情很少會照我們所想的發展。

Hey, do you wanna go out for coffee?

嘿，想一起喝杯咖啡嗎？

- What? - What?

- 什麼？ - 什麼？

I mean, you seem like a really interesting person to talk to.

我是說，你看起來是個有趣的人。

And I've been having a lot of relationship problems and I'd love to talk to you about them, grow close to you,

我最近一直有很多感情問題，我想和你談談這些問題，跟你漸漸親近，

then dangle the hope of a relationship over you in order to partake in an emotional affair,

然後給你建立關係的希望，吊著你，好享受這段感情，

and then just tell everyone you have an unrequited crush behind your back.

然後再在你背後跟所有人說你暗戀我。

Are you serious?

你認真的嗎？

About you.

對你是認真的。

Push him into the portal. I'm gonna set it over a volcano.

把他推進傳送門，我要把出口放到火山上。

Volcano...

火山...

So throw him into a volcano.

把那個渣男扔進火山吧。