Thank you so much for being there for me throughout my tumultuous breakup with the department.

非常感謝你在我與該部門動盪不安的分手過程中一直陪伴著我。

I'm just so glad I finally left.

我只是很高興我終於離開了。

You're such a good co worker anytime And I will just go ahead and give you this.

你真是個好同事，什麼時候都可以，我就繼續給你這個。

What's this?

這是什麼？

Oh, this is an itemized invoice for the hours of emotional labor.

哦，這是一張情感勞動時間的明細發票。

It just says a relationship, whoops, that's a mistake.

它只是說一種關係，哎呀，這是個錯誤。

Your total do is a relationship and sex.

你的全部工作是一種關係和性。

If you need to split up the payments for any reason, I'll go ahead and take a 45 minute cuddle session up front.

如果你因為任何原因需要拆分付款，我會先去拿45分鐘的擁抱時間。

I'm not gonna be in a relationship with you.

我不會和你談戀愛。

We're friends.

我們是朋友。

I have worked at this friendship for three years.

我在這種友誼中工作了三年。

I've given you my company with blood, sweat and tears hours and hours and hours of overtime and for what my friendship, nothing.

我把我的公司交給你，用血汗和淚水數小時數小時地加班，而我的友誼，什麼都沒有。

Your friendship is worthless to me.

你的友誼對我來說毫無價值。

But surprise, surprise nice guy behavior is not exclusive to men.

但令人驚訝的是，好男人的行為並不只限於男人。

It's a mindset peppered across the spectrum of gender and one that I think is pretty vilified.

這是一種遍佈於性別領域的心態，我認為這種心態是相當被中傷的。

I mean rightly so it can be pretty shitty right?

我的意思是正確的，所以它可能是相當糟糕的，對嗎？

But um, today I would actually like to take a deeper and perhaps more compassionate look and not only the variety pack of collectible nice guys and the subtle behaviors they enact, but why in essence it's their core wounds telling them that they're not enough.

但是，嗯，今天我實際上想更深入地、也許更有同情心地看看，不僅是收集的各種好人和他們頒佈的微妙行為，而且為什麼在本質上是他們的核心傷口告訴他們，他們是不夠的。

That's making them act real shitty.

這讓他們表現得非常糟糕。

So the stereotypical and media saturated nice guy often suffers from a flawed logic that involuntary decency is their only character flaw.

是以，刻板印象和媒體飽和的好人往往受到一個有缺陷的邏輯的影響，即非自願的體面是他們唯一的性格缺陷。

They think that merely because they're not horrible people who abuse their partners, numerous prospects should flock to them.

他們認為，僅僅因為他們不是虐待伴侶的可怕的人，無數的潛在客戶應該湧向他們。

They think by simply refraining from doing something terrible is this great sacrifice when in reality that's like the bare minimum of human decency.

他們認為只要不做可怕的事情就是偉大的犧牲，而實際上這只是人類最起碼的禮節。

So so in short they're entitled calculated and you guessed it manipulative.

是以，簡而言之，他們有權計算和你猜到的操縱。

But I think this is the most sinister and extreme portrayal of a nice guy.

但我認為這是對一個好人最陰險、最極端的描寫。

Like yes, they exist.

比如是的，他們存在。

But this is a one dimensional explanation that leaves no room for understanding why the hell these people act this way.

但這是一個單維的解釋，沒有留下任何空間來理解為什麼這些人有這樣的行為。

Now the reason I want to take a look at nice guys through this lens is because one of my male friends is in an abusive marriage and in really looking at the dynamics between him and his wife and talking this over with my therapist, I realized that he suffers from being a nice guy, but that this definition of like nice guy syndrome was foreign to me because when I think of a nice guy, I don't think of someone who has trouble setting boundaries.

現在我想通過這個鏡頭看看好人，是因為我的一個男性朋友處於虐待性婚姻中，在真正觀察他和他妻子之間的動態並與我的治療師討論這個問題時，我意識到他患有好人症，但這種好人症的定義對我來說是陌生的，因為當我想到一個好人時，我不會想到一個難以設定界限的人。

This is my private space.

這是我的私人空間。

Your private space when I think of a nice guy, I don't think of someone who feels like he desperately has to control the way he's perceived in relationships bomb I will be whoever you want me to be and win you over so that I can be the knight in shining armor, I want to be and I definitely don't think of someone who unconsciously chooses volatile partners who treat them like doormats because they're willing to tolerate abuse for approval.

你的私人空間當我想到一個好人時，我不會想到一個覺得自己拼命要控制他在關係中被認為的方式的人炸彈我會成為你想讓我成為的人並贏得你，這樣我就能成為穿著閃亮盔甲的騎士，我想成為，我絕對不會想到一個不自覺地選擇那些把他們當作受氣包的不穩定的夥伴，因為他們願意容忍虐待以獲得認可。

Hello ladies, I worship the ground you walk, I guess I am the ground you walk on.

女士們好，我崇拜你們走過的土地，我想我就是你們走過的土地。

So a worship being beneath your plea.

所以在你的懇求下，有一個崇拜的人。

But do you also think of someone who grew up with an emotionally volatile parent who lacked boundaries of someone who doesn't think that they're enough of someone who cleans up the emotional messes of their abusive partner.

但你是否也會想到一個在情緒不穩定的父母身邊長大的人，他們缺乏界限，一個認為自己不夠格的人，一個為虐待他們的伴侶清理情緒混亂的人。

So nice guys get a bad rap for feeling entitled to sex, but that entitlement comes from a belief that a romantic relationship is the only possible source of happiness in their lives.

是以，好男人會因為覺得自己有權獲得性而受到責備，但這種權利來自一種信念，即浪漫關係是他們生活中唯一可能的幸福來源。

They interpret their own value through a lens of sexual desirability, which as a woman in living in society I relate to and they see friendship as failure and when I look at nice guys through this new lens and instead of feeling like angry and upset about them, like I normally do, I actually feel really sad for them because nice guys like myself, like the way I used to think they think they have to earn love that if they just do enough and if they show up in these very specific ways, maybe they can gain love instead of intrinsically feeling like they're lovable because of who they are.

他們通過性慾的鏡頭來解釋自己的價值，作為一個生活在社會中的女性，我與此有關，他們將友誼視為失敗，當我通過這個新的鏡頭來看待好人，而不是像我通常那樣對他們感到憤怒和不安，我實際上為他們感到非常難過，因為像我這樣的好人，就像我過去認為的那樣，他們認為他們必須贏得愛，如果他們只是做得足夠多，如果他們以這些非常具體的方式出現，也許他們可以獲得愛，而不是內在地感到他們因為自己是誰而值得愛。

They strive so hard to earn it.

他們如此努力地爭取它。

And yes, you know, sometimes this motivation shows up in really disingenuous and shitty ways, but I would argue that nice guys finish last only when it comes to their own emotional needs, self love and beliefs about what they deserve and may all you nice guys wander into a therapy office week after week, hell your core wounds and then go back out into the world whole and finally, a little food for thought.

是的，你知道，有時這種動機會以非常虛偽和低劣的方式表現出來，但我想說的是，好人只有在涉及到他們自己的情感需求、自愛和關於他們應得的信念時才是最後的，願你們所有的好人週而復始地徘徊在治療室裡，讓你們的核心傷口見鬼去吧，然後完整地回到世界上，最後，有一點思考的空間。

If you have a pattern of dating, nice guys, why are you attracted to an imbalanced power dynamic?

如果你有一個約會的模式，好男人，為什麼你會被不平衡的權力動態所吸引？

Are you going to be emotionally available for a partner who can set boundaries?

你是否要為一個能設定界限的伴侶提供情感上的支持？

And maybe just maybe are you identifying with someone's core wound of not being enough and trauma bonding like hell with them.

也許只是也許，你是否認同某人的核心傷口，認為自己是不夠的，並像地獄一樣與他們結合的創傷。

I'm anna Kana, thank you to the patrons for supporting today's video as always, thank you guys.

我是安娜-卡娜，感謝贊助者一如既往地支持今天的視頻，謝謝你們。

And of course thank you to the best nice guy.

當然也要感謝最好的好人。

There is Daddy squarespace for sponsoring today's episode.

有爸爸squarespace贊助了今天的節目。

Now, my nice guy, Daddy Score space has an all in one platform to build a beautiful online presence for you to run your business, complete with marketing tools and analytics to have your website or your online store be the best it can be for all of you who love to create audio content.

現在，我的好傢伙，爸爸的分數空間有一個所有功能於一身的平臺，為你建立一個美麗的在線存在，以經營你的業務，完整的營銷工具和分析，讓你的網站或你的網上商店是最好的，它可以為所有喜歡創建音頻內容的人。

I know that there's one of you watching who has a podcast.

我知道你們當中有一個人在看，他有一個播客。

You can use Daddy's squarespace is audio blogs, which allows you to embed audio on your site and tag the audio for itunes when your audio block is placed into a blog.

你可以使用爸爸的squarespace是音頻博客，它允許你在你的網站上嵌入音頻，並在你的音頻塊被放入博客時為itunes標記音頻。

Plus, you can have multiple contributors, receive selective access to your sites, website manager and don't worry, you own all the content that you put onto my Daddy Square spaces platform.

此外，你可以有多個貢獻者，收到對你的網站的選擇性訪問，網站經理，不用擔心，你擁有你放在我的爸爸廣場空間平臺上的所有內容。

He offers one click Daddy portability head to squarespace dot com for a free trial.

他提供一鍵式的爸爸便攜性，請到squarespace dot com進行免費試用。

And whenever you're ready to launch, go to squarespace dot com slash anna to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain dot squarespace Daddy.

只要你準備好啟動，就去squarespace dot com slash anna，首次購買網站或域名點squarespace Daddy，可享受10%折扣。