about some struggles that she's been having,

關於她一直以來的一些掙扎。

and it was glaringly obvious to me...

而這對我來說是非常明顯的...

Girl, you are in a toxic friendship.

女孩，你處在一個有毒的友誼中。

- Really, how can you tell?

- 真的，你怎麼能知道呢？

- Well, let's review our conversation, shall we?

- 好吧，讓我們回顧一下我們的談話，好嗎？

(electronic sound)

(電子音)

Pause.

暫停一下。

Play.

播放。

- Any time I try and tell her that she's hurt my feelings,

- 任何時候我試圖告訴她，她已經傷害了我的感情。

she flips out and can't hear it.

她翻臉了，聽不見了。

She gets defensive and starts crying.

她開始防衛並開始哭泣。

I just stopped telling her,

我只是不再告訴她。

and I think I'm getting resentful.

而且我想我已經開始反感了。

- See, you're walking on eggshells.

- 你看，你在雞蛋殼上行走。

- Yeah, but she's just really sensitive.

- 是的，但她只是非常敏感。

- Oh, is she?

- 哦，是她嗎？

Fast forward.

快速前進。

(audio speeds forward)

(音頻加速向前)

- And then she made a joke at my expense

- 然後她在我面前開了個玩笑

in front of everyone.

在所有人面前。

She kept putting me down the whole night,

她整晚都在把我放下。

and it just felt like shit.

而它只是感覺像狗屎。

Yeah.

是的。

- Do you need more?

- 你需要更多嗎？

Rewind.

回放。

(audio speeds backwards)

(音頻速度倒退)

- I don't know what's up with her,

- 我不知道她怎麼了。

she just has a tendency to do that.

她只是有這樣的傾向。

And any time it's a big life event for me,

而任何時候，對我來說都是一個重大的生活事件。

she just ruins my night.

她只是破壞了我的夜晚。

- Fast forward.

- 快速前進。

(audio speeds forward)

(音頻加速向前)

And she was like, "Oh, when did he send you the DM?"

她就說，"哦，他什麼時候給你發的DM？"

And was like, "Oh, he sent me a DM 20 minutes earlier,"

然後就說："哦，他在20分鐘前給我發了一個DM。"

and I was like, "Girl, why are you competing with me?

我就說，"姑娘，你為什麼要和我競爭？

You know I like this guy, and you're married."

你知道我喜歡這個人，而你已經結婚了。"

- Rewind.

- 回放。

(audio speeds backwards)

(音頻速度倒退)

- Whenever the conversation turns to me,

- 每當談話轉到我身上時。

she just stops listening.

她就不聽了。

- Girl, you are in a toxic friendship.

- 女孩，你處在一個有毒的友誼中。

- I don't know.

- 我不知道。

- I'm not speculating here, I'm just mirroring back

- 我不是在這裡猜測，我只是反映了一下

what you shared about your experience with her.

你與她分享了你的經歷。

And what I've heard is that she consistently puts you down,

而我所聽到的是，她一貫把你放低。

crosses your boundaries, refuses to take accountability

越過你的底線，拒絕承擔責任

whenever she's hurt your feelings,

只要她傷害了你的感情。

and you self-betray in order to appease her.

而你為了安撫她而自我背叛。

And according to you, this behavior is a pattern.

而根據你的說法，這種行為是一種模式。

So now, any bare minimum thing she does,

所以現在，她做的任何最起碼的事情。

like apologizes without sincerity,

像沒有誠意的道歉。

or compliments you, or doesn't ruin your night with drama

或讚美你，或不以戲劇化的方式破壞你的夜晚

is enough to make you stay inside of the friendship

足夠讓你留在友誼的內部

and think she's getting better.

並認為她正在變得更好。

- Holy shit.

- 真他媽的。

You're right.

你是對的。

- It's harder to spot a toxic friendship when you're in one,

- 當你身處其中時，就更難發現有毒的友誼。

and I feel like it takes me at least a year or so

而且我覺得我至少要花一年左右的時間

to stop thinking up excuses for the other person's

不要再為對方的行為找藉口了。

bad behavior and actually start communicating,

壞行為，並真正開始溝通。

like, "Hey, this is an underlying problem

比如，"嘿，這是一個潛在的問題

we need to solve, otherwise the friendship needs to end."

我們需要解決這個問題，否則友誼就需要結束。

And don't get me wrong, I have been the toxic one before,

不要誤會我的意思，我以前也做過有毒的人。

and it took me a while to realize,

而我花了一段時間才意識到。

"Oh, I'm being awful because of feelings of jealousy,

"哦，我因為嫉妒的感覺而變得很糟糕。

or insecurity, or because I'm emotionally immature

或缺乏安全感，或因為我在情感上不成熟

and I haven't confronted my shit."

而我還沒有面對我的狗屎。"

There are also, in addition to all this stuff,

除了這些東西之外，還有，還有。

much more subtle signs that someone is toxic

更加微妙的跡象表明，某人是有毒的

that I never even really noticed.

我甚至從未真正注意到。

Like, they secretly copy you.

比如，他們偷偷地模仿你。

- Oh, so you randomly adopted five cats.

- 哦，所以你隨機收養了五隻貓。

- You inspired me!

- 你啟發了我

- Oh my god, you have my tattoo.

- 哦，我的上帝，你有我的紋身。

- Oh (Anna laughs) I totally forgot you had it.

- 哦（安娜笑）我完全忘了你有這個。

- Oh, so you're dating my ex boyfriend?

- 哦，所以你在和我的前男友約會？

- Yeah, recycle, reuse, I love vintage.

- 是的，回收，再利用，我喜歡復古。

They gossip about you and reveal things

他們對你說三道四，並透露出一些事情

that you told them in confidence.

你祕密地告訴他們。

(whispers)

（耳語）

- Oh my god, Anna didn't.

- 哦，我的上帝，安娜沒有。

- She did!

- 她做到了!

(Anna gasps)

(Anna gasps)

- They're jealous of your other friends.

- 他們妒忌你的其他朋友。

Hey baby girl, let's go to dinner.

嘿，寶貝女兒，我們去吃飯吧。

- Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I have plans

- 哦，對不起，我不能，我有計劃。

with my high school friend.

與我的高中朋友。

- Oh, that's weird.

- 哦，這很奇怪。

- Is it?

- 是嗎？

- Yeah, you have other friends?

- 是的，你有其他的朋友嗎？

- I mean, yeah.

- 我的意思是，是的。

- But you have me.

- 但你有我。

- Yeah, well, I met this person in high school, so.

- 是的，好吧，我在高中遇到了這個人，所以。

- Why do you need to catch up with them?

- 你為什麼要追趕他們？

High school's over.

高中畢業了。

You're in an entirely different phase of your life now,

你現在處於人生的一個完全不同的階段。

you've evolved.

你已經進化了。

- I mean, yeah, I guess, but-

- 我的意思是，是的，我想，但是...

- I think you should cancel and come to dinner with me.

- 我想你應該取消，和我一起去吃飯。

And sometimes the sabotaging can be very nuanced,

而且有時破壞行為可能是非常細微的。

like a good friend will often show up

如同一個好朋友會經常出現

as the adult observer for you.

作為你的成人觀察者。

Whereas someone who doesn't have

而那些沒有的人

your best interest at heart...

將你的最佳利益放在心上...

Ugh I have soccer practice, but I feel so hung over.

我有足球練習，但我覺得很累。

- Girl, just skip it.

- 女孩，跳過它吧。

- What, I can't, we have a match coming up.

- 什麼，我不能，我們有一場比賽要進行。

- Sleep in, who cares!

- 睡吧，誰在乎呢！？

- I could get kicked off the team.

- 我可能會被踢出團隊。

- Girl, if they're gonna kick you off the team

- 女孩，如果他們要把你踢出球隊

for missing one practice, then clearly you're not

錯過一次練習，那麼顯然你不是

a player they value.

一個他們重視的球員。

Ooh, let's go to brunch and get mimosas.

哦，讓我們去吃早午餐，喝含羞草酒。

- Ooh, that sounds really good.

- 哦，這聽起來真不錯。

The good news is, toxic friendships are very multifaceted

好消息是，有毒的友誼是非常多面的

and unique, so the symptoms of one

和獨特的，所以一個人的症狀

could just be all over the place.

可能只是在所有的地方。

You could be terrified that one mistake

你可能很害怕，一個錯誤

will end the friendship, or instead of communicating,

將結束友誼，或代替溝通。

they can just make passive aggressive comments,

他們可以只做被動攻擊性的評論。

whereas some are obsessively needy,

而有些人則是痴迷地需要。

and others are avoidant in your time of need.

而其他人在你需要的時候卻避而不見。

I think the most important thing you can do

我認為你能做的最重要的事情是

when you're in a toxic friendship,

當你處在一個有毒的友誼中時。

or you're worried you might be in one

或者你擔心你可能在一個

is to give the other person a chance to fix things.

是給對方一個機會來解決事情。

Have a hard conversation.

進行一次艱難的對話。

It sucks, but communicate.

這很糟糕，但要溝通。

And their response to your needs and your feelings,

以及他們對你的需求和你的感受的反應。

how well they hear you and adjust their behavior,

他們對你的聽覺如何，並調整他們的行為。

or not, is gonna be the information you need

是否會成為你需要的資訊

to determine if this friendship can be salvaged,

以確定這種友誼是否能夠得到挽救。

or if it's better for both of you to just disengage.

或者說，如果你們兩個人都脫離關係會更好。

And look, these kinds of friendships

看，這種友誼

can always be revived, people change, and grow, and learn.

總是可以恢復的，人們在變化，在成長，在學習。

In instances where I was the toxic person,

在我是有毒的人的情況下。

I've grown and then rekindled with certain people,

我已經成長，然後與某些人重新燃起。

and apologized, and now I know better.

並表示歉意，現在我知道了。

So, give the person a chance to change,

是以，給這個人一個改變的機會。

and if they ultimately can't rise to the occasion,

而如果他們最終不能勝任。

then they're just not your tribe right now my friend.

那麼他們現在就不是你的部落，我的朋友。

I'm Anna Akana and thank you to the Patreons

我是安娜-阿卡納，感謝贊助人的支持

who supported today's video.

支持今天視頻的人。

And as always, thank you to my daddy, Squarespace,

像往常一樣，感謝我的父親，Squarespace。

for sponsoring today's episode.

為今天的節目提供贊助。

My daddy has an all-in-one platform

我爸爸有一個多合一的平臺

to build a beautiful online presence and run your business,

以建立一個美麗的在線存在和運行你的業務。

complete with marketing tools and analytics

具備營銷工具和分析能力

to have your website or online store

以使你的網站或網上商店

be the best that she can be.

成為她能成為的最好的人。

For all of you who love to create audio content,

對於所有熱愛創建音頻內容的人來說。

I know you have podcasts, you can use audio blocks,

我知道你有播客，你可以使用音頻塊。

which basically allows you to embed audio on your site,

它基本上允許你在你的網站上嵌入音頻。

and then you can tag that for iTunes

然後你可以在iTunes上標記它

when you audio block is placed into a blog.

當你的音頻塊被放置在博客中時。

You can have multiple contributors receive selective access

你可以讓多個貢獻者有選擇地接受訪問

to your site's website manager,

到你的網站的網站管理員。

and you own all the content that you put

而你擁有你所投放的所有內容

on the Squarespace platform.

在Squarespace平臺上。

Plus, Daddy offers one click data portability.

此外，Daddy提供一鍵式數據移植。

Head to squarespace.com for a free trial,

請到squarespace.com網站進行免費試用。

and whenever you're ready to launch,

並在你準備好發射的時候。

go to squarespace.com/anna to save 10% off

前往squarespace.com/anna，可享受10%的折扣。

your first purchase of a website or domain.

你第一次購買的網站或域名。

Squarespace, I'm surprised they still let me say all this.

Squarespace，我很驚訝他們還讓我說這些話。

(Anna laughs)

(安娜笑)