神烦警探第五季冷开场（Cold Opens Season 05 | Brooklyn Nine-Nine）

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- Just eating butter like a Popsicle huh Boyle?
- Yeah, I know I'm spoiling myself, but I'm depressed.
Or have you forgotten that Jake, my best friend
is in prison?
- Wait, Jake's in prison?
- Yeah, he and Rosa were framed
for a bunch of bank robberies by Lieutenant Hawkins.
- Oh right, and where's Gina?
- On maternity leave.
We were all at her baby shower last week.
- Okay, and why am I bleeding?
- I don't know Hitchcock.
- Oh, so you don't have all the answers.
I'm bleeding 'cause my piece of crap son-in-law bit me.
- Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which is why
we have to keep working the case.
There has to be some way to exonerate 'em.
- I've been looking but I can't find anything,
and I don't know what to do.
- I can't find anything and I don't know what to do.
Title of your sex tape.
- What is happening right now?
- They caught Hawkins trying to flee the country.
She confessed to everything, and they let me out.
- Oh my God, Jake is it really you, are you really here?
- You know it baby.
But first, I gotta hug my best friend.
- What? - Welcome back Peralta.
I just heard from the mayor.
To apologize for what happened to you
they're sending you to Disney World.
You and one male guest.
- As long as I don't have to go on any of the scary rides.
- I just go for the shows.
(laughs)
- [All] Boyle, Boyle, Boyle, Boyle, Boyle, Boyle.
- Boyle!
Were you dreaming about Jake again?
- Why did you wake me up, I told you never to wake me up.
- So I got assigned to this one rookie
and on his training day I made him smoke
angel dust at gun point.
King Kong aint got nothing on me.
- Isn't that the plot and tagline of--
- The movie "Training Day," yes great observation Tank.
It's because it's based on my life.
- Lunch is over, bus your trays.
Now Peralta.
- I haven't finished my lemon cookie Bull.
- And you're not gonna get to either, give it to me.
- Oh you want the cookie.
(inmates groan)
There's your cookie.
- You're going in the hole.
- Oh I'm going in the hole?
- Yeah. - Yeah, bring it on.
- [Inmates] Jake, Jake, Jake.
- Remember what you saw here.
You can lock me up, but one day I'll get out of here
and I'll come for you, I'll come for all of you.
Hey warden what's up?
- Next time don't wait too long to spit the cookie.
I've been waiting in here for four minutes and it's gross.
- Oh man it really is.
- Okay snitch time, what's up with Romero?
- All right he's got a delivery coming in
on Wednesday night.
One of the cafeteria workers is smuggling something in
with the produce.
(laughs)
- Great, see ya Thursday.
- Wait, what?
You're just gonna leave me in here in solitary.
- You spit in a guards face, that's five days in the hole.
- Yeah but I mean you made me do that.
- We don't want anybody getting suspicious huh, have fun.
(banging on door)
Try not to go crazy.
- Okay, no big deal.
Five days is nothing.
I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts,
my thoughts are awesome.
Die Hard 6 on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant,
my father never loved me, I'm gonna die alone.
Oh boy, that happened fast.
Guard, guard!
- Okay we're all set up in there Mr. Peralta.
Just sign here.
- What's all set up, what's going on?
- Oh thank you for asking Terence.
You see, the food in prison was inedible,
all I thought about day and night were the things
I wished I was eating.
And you Amy, I thought about you a lot,
sex with you, just us doing sex with foreplay.
- Great save babe, thanks.
- And so I decided to make my food fantasy come true.
Unbutton your pants and take off your shoes
'cause there's gonna be a doink load of sodium
at Freedom Feast 2017.
We begin where all great stories begin,
in the quaint little town of French Fry Village.
After that we're gonna move our adventure over
to Cheeseburger Mountain, which consists, you guessed it,
of turkey burgers, I'm kidding, it's cheese burgers.
This is kinda just stuffing, you can avoid that,
but it's attached to the Thanksgiving turkey theme,
'cause I was thinking about that a lot up in the jail.
And finally we have a big old Passover brisket
'cause you know I loves my mom.
If you would all take a seat while I make a toast.
Kindly raise your two liters.
To freedom, to you, and most importantly to orange drink.
And sex with Amy.
- [All] Sex with Amy.
- Sorry, shouldn't have said that last part.
(alarm blaring)
Halloween.
It's heist time.
(Jake screams)
- Thought you'd get a head start on heist prep, good luck.
I'm already dressed.
- Well, I'm also dressed, and I made breakfast.
Wait, where are my eggs?
- In my belly.
(screams)
Now get a move on, it's heist time.
- I love Halloween.
Hey Charles, can we talk in the briefing room for a sec
'cause there's a question I gotta ask you.
- Uh-huh.
It's happening, Jake is gonna pop the question.
He's gonna ask me to be his BM.
- No. - Uh-uh.
- BM, best man, it's a common abbreviation.
- No one but you has ever used it.
- I am so relieved, I thought maybe he was gonna ask
one of Amy's brothers, or uh, Serge.
- Hey man, come on.
- [Jake] Charles!
- Oh my God.
- Okay so I know this is a lot to ask.
- No it's not, I wanna do it.
- You wanna cover my shift this weekend
so I can go to the White Plains Mall and meet
Daryl Strawberry at the opening of a cellphone store?
- Yes.
It's exactly what I was hoping you'd ask.
- Great, thanks.
You sure it's okay.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
I'm very happy about it.
It'll be fun, it'll be fun.
Look at my smile.
I have to go now.
- [All] Surprise!
- Oh my God.
Jake.
- What do you say bud, will you be my BM?
- Yes, yes a million times yes.
In your face Terry.
- What I'm holding a sparkler for you,
I helped organize a lot of this.
- Well you can stick that sparkler up your butt,
I'm a best man.
- Okay, hole me.
- Nothing but mouth.
- Whoa, impressive.
- Are you kidding me that's nothing.
Diaz has been chucking d-holes into my mouthpiece
since we were back at the academy,
check this out.
(upbeat music)
(cheering)
♪ Express yourself ♪
♪ I'm expressing with my full capabilities ♪
♪ And now I'm living in correctional facilities ♪
♪ 'Cause some don't agree with how I do this ♪
(cheering)
♪ I'm dropping flavor, my behavior is hereditary ♪
(cheering)
(gasps) - Uh-oh.
Heads!
- What the?
It's finally happening.
- Gobble, gobble.
Tommy Gobblers back and he wants to hear
what you turkeys are thankful for.
- Charles, you gotta stop.
- No, I don't gobble understand people.
- But Charles-- - Gobble.
- Dude. - Gobble.
- Gobble, gobble, your tail feather is caught
in the gobble door.
- Thank you, gobble, wait what?
(Charles screams)
Oh.
- I think your feathers are ripping, gobble.
(fabric tearing) - Gobble.
- Hey Jake, guess who just called me?
- The Jerky Boys, they're back.
- No, what?
No. - No.
- DC Parlov, he's in town for Legend Con,
and he has a case for us.
- Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
- Parlov, didn't he write those Sky Fire books,
I thought he turned out to be a jerk.
- Yeah, but ever since Jake and I saved his life,
he's actually been very nice.
He even sent me a Christmas gift,
a full scale replica of the Sword of Opadoma.
(Jake groans)
- Why are you so excited, you don't care
about those stupid books?
- I actually did read all of them in prison,
they're the greatest books I've ever read,
and I've read Cujo.
- Jake and I really bonded over Sky Fire, watch this.
Favorite moment in the series.
- [Both] The summoning of Bella Castro.
- Second favorite.
- [Both] The Scarlet Feast.
- Third favorite.
- [Both] When you thought Kolar had been swallowed
by the Norleth but he had just switched armor
with Samling the betrayer in the battle of Orcastle.
- Fourth favorite?
- Three was plenty, so was zero.
- Okay I can see that you're skeptical Rosa,
but how about this.
Come with us on the case, I know you think it's dumb
but Sky Fire is actually very smart, and dark and adult.
It's not for nerds at all.
- Oh, on our way there should we sing
the Elvish hunting song?
♪ Sharpen your swords and string your bows ♪
♪ The beasts have gone away. ♪
- I'll get back to you guys by the end of the day
with all the logistics.
- Sergeant Terence Jeffords, four years ago
on this exact date you told me I was too old
to learn how to do the worm.
I vowed on that day to prove you a fool,
and today I shall.
Check it.
(upbeat music)
(Jake groans)
More fire, ba ba ba ba bow.
- As I was telling the squad,
our old CO Captain McGintley just passed away.
- Oh no.
- We're going to Los Angeles for the funeral next week.
I'll have the travel details later.
- Hey has anyone seen the worm because
this funky chicken's hungry.
- Charles, a man has died, read the room.
- And so concludes this years secret santa drawing.
Just a quick reminder of the rules,
$40 limit, no perishable items, and no home made
massage coupons Hitchcock.
- Fine, then everyone will have to pay full price for them.
- Oh Captain, I would like a $40 gift card
to any restaurant that serves nachos.
- I don't have you Peralta.
- Not only do I know that you do indeed have me,
but I also know who everyone else has.
- That's not possible.
- Perhaps not for ordinary men such as yourself Jeffords,
but for the brilliant mind
of Detective Jacob Sherlock Peralta,
I legally changed my name, it's quite simply elementary.
For you see Amy made a face I only recognize
from our bedroom which means that she has Captain Holt.
Charles has Terry, his eyes keep shifting over to him.
- No they don't.
- Terry look disgusted which means he has Hitchcock,
Rosa didn't draw a name, nor did she put one in,
she doesn't wanna participate.
Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads,
and he quite clearly said Charles.
- I did get Charles.
- Scully has Amy, he's holding his paper name side out.
- Oh he's good.
- And I have Scully which means Captain Holt has me,
I'll be taking that gift card, daddy loves nachos.
- Shall we draw the names again and leave Jake out?
- [All] Yeah.
- No Sherlock wants a present.
- Thank you Margaret.
- You're welcome Raymond.
- Seamus Murphy.
- That's right.
Remember how I saved your detectives from prison
in exchange for a favor?
The time has come--
- Wait this isn't my order.
- What?
- This isn't my omelet, I only eat omelets on vacation.
- Yeah, I don't care what you eat,
I'm here to call in the favor that you owe me.
- Really, what if I say no?
- This is you asking me for intel and promising
to pay me back, how do you think this would look
to your bosses, especially now that you're up
for the Commissioner job?
Yeah, I know everything.
- So, what do you want from me?
- A permit to throw a block party?
We don't even have to break the law, this is fantastic news.
- I am not giving Seamus Murphy that permit.
He only wants to use the block party
as a cover for something criminal.
A robbery, a murder, or something worse.
- You don't know that for sure, and that's your loophole.
- I don't believe in loopholes.
- What?
Loopholes are the best, remember that time
when Pancake Palace had that all you can eat deal
but they didn't set a time limit.
I ate pancakes for a week for 3.99.
All I had to do was sleep there and never shower.
- What?
Thanks for the invite friend.
- I will not be using a loophole Peralta.
As always I'll be using the main hole or no hole,
I choose no hole.
- You just said hole way too much sir.
- And that's coming from Charles.
- Yes, that's concerning.
- Oh you think you know someone Jake, unbelievable.
- Accounts of the first Punic war in the year 263--
- Ah yes the first pubic war, the sexiest of all wars.
Hi Dr. Alberin Einstive, I've an urgent question for you
about Ancient Greece, shall we walk?
- Of course, Dr, I feel like you said Einstive?
- Yes that's correct, it's a family name.
- What is going on?
- Captain Holt sent me, just follow my lead.
Your theory is wrong, the Greeks did not
climb out of the Trojan horses butt.
- Put this on.
- A rose shearing hat at work,
people will think I'm demented.
- Just put it on.
- Kevin, Dr Einstive.
- Ah Professor McGonagall.
- Why is Boyle dressed as me?
- Shh.
Get in.
- But this cart is-- - Get in.
Professor. - Student.
(dramatic music)
- Hello Kevin, it's me Raymond Holt.
We need to get you to safety, your life is in danger.
- Peralta there was a boss B&E at a jewelry store
in Atlanta that just turned into a hostage situation,
they want you to be the negotiator.
- Oh my God, my prayers have finally been answered.
- You prayed for a hostage situation?
- Yes I did, every single day.
- I don't understand, why isn't ESU handling this?
- Apparently the hostage taker asked for Jake by name.
- Oh yes, it's getting even cooler.
Oh man I wonder who it is?
Ooh, maybe it's the brother of someone I put away for life.
Ooh, or the identical twin of someone I put away for life.
Ooh, or the fraternal twin of--
- Jake, just get down there, and take Diaz with you.
- Yep, yep, yep, yep, how do I look?
It doesn't matter, let's go negotiate.
(sirens wailing)
Hey everyone, I'm here, I'm Jake Peralta,
the negotiator.
- Oh so you're Jake Peralta.
- The negotiator, yes.
Who are you?
- Dennis Cole, ESU, this was my crime scene
before you bozos got here.
- Nice to meet you too Dennis.
- I've spent 10 years as a negotiator
and you just took my first hostage situation.
All I've done up 'til now is talk jumpers off of rooftops.
- But that must be satisfying in it's own way right?
- Yeah, really satisfying saving a crazy persons life.
Whatever, here's a little advice,
I don't like you two.
- Not so much advice as it is a hurtful statement
based on limited interaction.
- He wants to talk to you.
Get the hell in there.
- Ooh, it says negotiator on it.
This is Jake Peralta, I am unarmed,
and I'm approaching the building.
You wanted to talk to me.
- Keep those hands in the air.
Now wave them like you just don't care.
- What?
- I'm just messing with ya Peralta,
put your hands down, give me a hug baby.
- Judy!
(tense music)
Oh yeah.
(tapping on desk)
- I'm Philip Davidson, Detective Jake Peralta
asked me to drop by.
- Hmm, the dentist who murdered someone.
Spoiler alert, they think you did it.
Can you show him to interrogation room C please.
Have fun in there.
- Thank you.
- What are you smiling about?
- How uncomfortable this guy is?
Jacked up the thermostat, got the table all sticky,
made one of the chair legs too short,
and worst of all, I had Gina greet him.
- What did you have her do?
- Be herself.
- Poor son of a bitch.
- Yeah, why are you wearing a tuxedo?
- Kevin and I are attending the opera.
- Ooh, the opera, is it the one Bugs Bunny sings?
- Yes, so who's this?
- This is Philip Davidson.
- What do we have on him?
- Clear motive, clear means,
and a non-existent alibi but the DA won't bring a charge
because he says it's all circumstantial.
If we wanna bring this guy down we have to get him
to confess right here, right now.
- Hmm, an interrogation with a ticking clock,
and everything on the line.
I better call Kevin and tell him I won't be
attending the opera, there's someone else
I'd rather hear sing.
- Oh damn!
- Hello Kevin, I won't be joining you
at the opera tonight - I'm sorry I didn't know
you were on the phone already.
- The tickets are under - Oh damn
- My name, H-O--
Santiago, your test results on the sergeants exam
has arrived.
- Ooh, everybody make room, Amy needs adequate space
to do her signature dork dance.
- I don't know if there's gonna be a dork dance.
Look how small that envelope is.
That's not a big good news envelope,
that's a little bad news envelope.
- What, that's nuts.
Serge, tell her envelope size doesn't matter.
- If I'm being honest I got a much bigger envelope.
- Oh God.
- Unhelpful Terry, very unhelpful.
- Mine was bigger too.
- Okay, I just won't ever open it,
that way I'll never get rejected.
- Fine, I'll open it.
- No!
(Jake groans)
- Do it harder.
- I opened it.
You passed!
- Oh my God, I'm gonna be a sergeant.
- You're gonna be a sergeant.
(all cheering)
- Oh no it's happening.
Woo!
- That's my future wife.
Pigeons still here?
- Yeah, no matter what we do he just won't leave.
- The problem is you're thinking like detectives.
- No I'm definitely not.
- When you should be thinking like a bird.
This is Operation Saving Private Pigeon.
On my mark I will turn on this fan,
gently startling our bird due east
into the file box canyon where he will encounter
Charles holding two pot lids.
He'll bang them together, forcing Private Pigeon
into the ceiling there, and out of the ceiling there,
where he will be greeted by scary Rosa,
holding a scary picture of an owl.
Now he's playing our game.
He'll veer left into an upside down garbage can,
propped up by a hockey stick
and connected to a string that Gina is holding.
She pulls it, he's trapped, and Terry releases him outside.
- Terry hates birds.
- Okay little friend, let's get you home to momma.
(fan whirring) (Jake screams)
Oh God, it flew right into the fan, it's everywhere.
There's pigeon everywhere!
So, do you recognize any of these men?
- I was hiding in the bathroom stall
so I didn't see his face but I heard him.
He was singing along to the music at the bar.
- Do you remember what he was singing?
- I think it was that song, "I want it that way."
- Backstreet Boys, I'm familiar.
Okay.
Number one could you please sing the opening
to "I want it that way."
- Really?
Okay.
♪ You are, my fire ♪
- Number two, keep it going.
♪ The one desire ♪
- Number three.
♪ Believe when I say ♪
- Number four.
♪ I want it that way ♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ Aint nothing but a heartache ♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ Aint nothing but a mistake ♪
♪ Now number five ♪
♪ I never wanna hear you say ♪
♪ I want it that way ♪
- Oh chills, literal chills.
- It was number five, number five killed my brother.
- Oh my God, I forgot about that part.
- Charles, wanna grab a beer before you go home?
- Oh a yeast feast.
- Never mind.
- No, no, no, I wanna go it's just there's a huge
emergency I have to deal with first.
- Oh no, is everything okay?
- It's about my food truck,
I have to get a parking spot.
- That doesn't sound as intense
as you were making it out to be.
- Move your arse you old bitch.
- What is happening?
- We have to get there by seven o'clock
when they lift the parking restrictions.
It's the best spot in Brooklyn and everyone wants it.
- Get the hell out of the way.
(car horn blaring)
- Charles, I highly doubt the entire food truck industry
is racing to get into this one spot, it's not Mad Max.
- We're neck and neck with rice pudding,
you've got Korean Tacos on your six.
- Oh my God, it's real, we're on the Fury Road.
Witness me (drowned out by music)
- Hold on tight.
(screams)
- Here comes the bachelor, all dressed in my nice jacket
I only wear for special events.
- Oh you're already on fire.
- Thank you my friend, and gentlemen,
welcome to my bachelor party.
This is the elite party squad,
that is assuming the captain is ready to let loose.
- Captain, I don't think so.
I want you guys to think of me as one of the boys,
so tonight I'll be swapping out my captains hat
for my Kangol hat, call me Raymond.
- Okay Raymond in the Kangol hat,
I will definitely call you Raymond,
Raymond in the Kangol hat.
This is the best night of my life.
- Mine too, Sharon gave me permission to get wasted.
She's even putting a pasta pot next to the bed
in case I hurl.
- Smart, I'm definitely putting a pasta pot
on our wedding registry.
Charles, tell us everything we're doing tonight.
- Well that could take a long time,
I've been planning this bachelor party for 10 years.
- I met Amy eight years ago.
- What does she have to do with this?
- Jake, hey I'm happy for you both.
No, no, tonight is about creating a bond
that will last forever, tonight is about the Bach Boys.
- We can brainstorm the name later.
- No we can't because I already made fanny packs.
- Well that settles that.
- This clearly says Bach Boys.
- No it's Bach, you know, like the beginning of bachelor.
I've been working on this for 10 years, don't ruin it.
- Okay, so lets fanny up Bach Boys
because it's time to party.
- Woo woo.
- Yes, whoop whoop Raymond in the Kangol.
Let's go.
- Jake hurry up, I'm starving.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I just had to grab my wallet.
- Gentlemen.
(camera clicking)
Fine, I was trying something and it didn't work.
- I am so sick of this city.
I go into a coffee shop and as soon as everybody sees
that I'm a cop they stop talking and they avoid eye contact
with me, one lady even walked out.
I am just tired of being treated like the enemy.
- Hey Hitchcock your penis is hanging out.
- Oh, that's a relief.
- I can't believe this is a rec center, it looks amazing.
- You look amazing, foxy as hell.
- Simmer down Boyle.
- No, no I love it, amp it up Boyle.
- Happy too.
Jake your body is kicking,
and skin as clear as a summer day.
- Ohh.
- Jake! - Aimes,
you look beautiful.
But when are you getting your makeup put on.
Y'all she woke up like this.
- Not not Jake, we're in crisis mode.
The cake hasn't arrived yet,
Mason woke up with the chicken pox
so we don't have a ring bearer.
Plus look what I found on my veil.
- Ooh.
- I planned everything so perfectly
and now it's all falling apart.
- No it isn't, take a deep breath all right we got this.
Terry, Rosa will you please take this veil
to a dry cleaner, and if they won't do a rush job,
make them, use force.
- I mean we're not gonna abuse our power.
- Of course not we're good cops.
I was just exaggerating.
Rosa I was not exaggerating.
- Great.
- Okay, now for the ring bearer situation.
This actually might be a blessing in disguise,
I know that he's your nephew but I wasn't super jazzed
about Mason.
- Yeah he should be cuter.
- His face is too small for his head.
He's a Dick Tracy villain.
But I have a new ring bearer who is very adorable
and very obedient.
- I would be--
- I'm talking about Cheddar the Dog.
- Yep right.
- Brilliant, he loves responsibility,
I'll go pick him up.
- I'm gonna go with Holt, seems like people
are pairing off for adventures,
and we have the best rapport.
- Cheddar, are you crazy, what about my--
- Allergies, got your meds right here.
I brought them just in case Hitchcock decided
to wear his toupee again.
It's very clearly not human hair.
- Human hair is indistinguishable from badger fur.
- That is absolutely not the case but that reminds me
you two, our wedding band canceled last minute
and I need you to find a replacement.
- You can count on us.
- Flat Top and the Freak, we always deliver.
- Our band canceled?
- Not in any way, shape or form,
but it's a very stressful day and I thought
things would go better without Hitchcock and Scully here.
- Oh that's so smart.
- Look babe you planned a great wedding,
it's gonna be a perfect day.
- Phone call for you sir.
- Thank you.
That would be the cake guy saying he has arrived.
Hello.
- [Male] Jake Peralta.
- Yes.
- [Male] There's a bomb at your wedding,
it's set to explode at 5:30, everyone inside will die.
- So that was not the cake guy.