Thank you Marcus.

謝謝你，馬庫斯。

Great kind.

很好的一種。

Thank you sir, Welcome everybody in here, out there all around the world.

謝謝你，先生，歡迎在座的各位，在世界各地的各位。

Welcome to the late show.

歡迎來到晚間節目。

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

我是你們的主持人，斯蒂芬-科爾伯特。

Ladies and gentlemen, I and back baby Covid.

女士們，先生們，我和後面的寶貝科維德。

Come on two times.

來了兩次。

Covid is not keeping this guy down more than twice.

科維德不可能讓這傢伙倒下兩次以上。

Here's what happened had Covid got over Covid then Covid staged a gritty reboot in my lungs, but I'm back and I'm happy to be back mrs Miss these lovely people, Miss y'all.

這裡發生了什麼？"科維德 "克服了 "科維德"，然後 "科維德 "在我的肺部上演了一場狡猾的重啟，但我回來了，我很高興能回來，我想念這些可愛的人，想念你們。

And while I am happy to be back, I am sad to say that as you know, the number one story today is not only tragic, it is tragically common because the attack in buffalo this weekend is not the first overtly racist mass shooting this country has witnessed in recent years.

雖然我很高興回來，但我很難過地說，如你所知，今天的頭號新聞不僅是悲慘的，而且是悲慘的普遍現象，因為本週末在水牛城發生的襲擊並不是這個國家近年來目睹的第一起公開的種族主義大規模槍擊事件。

It's a truly horrific crime and of course our hearts are with the victims and their families and their community in this case, a predominantly black neighborhood that the suspect targeted after spelling out his motivations clearly in an online rant where he referred to something called replacement theory, a white supremacist conspiracy based on the idea that white people will be replaced by people of color.

這是一起真正可怕的犯罪，當然，我們的心與受害者和他們的家人以及他們的社區同在，這是一個以黑人為主的社區，嫌疑人在網上大肆宣揚他的動機，他提到了一種叫做替代理論的東西，這是一種白人至上主義的陰謀，基於白人將被有色人種取代的想法。

Obviously that is racist and hateful and crazy.

很明顯，這是種族主義、仇恨和瘋狂。

Also, if you think white people are being replaced then who's shopping at vineyard vines?

另外，如果你認為白人正在被取代，那麼誰在葡萄園藤蔓上購物？

It's a quality product.

這是一個高質量的產品。

Don't get me wrong.

不要誤會我的意思。

So where does anyone get an idea that monstrous?

那麼，有人從哪裡得到這麼畸形的想法呢？

Well it used to be only from the farthest right wing fringe organizations.

嗯，以前只有最遠的右翼邊緣組織才會這樣做。

Your storm fronts your neo Nazis, but these days you can see it every night on tv thanks to Fox news host and dear caught masturbating in the headlights tucker Carlson.

你的風暴前線你的新納粹，但這些天你每晚都能在電視上看到，這要感謝福克斯新聞主持人和親愛的被抓到在車燈下自慰的塔克-卡爾森。

According to the new york times replacement theory is a central theme on tucker's show.

據《紐約時報》報道，替換理論是塔克節目的一個核心主題。

Their investigation found that his producers sometimes scoured his shows raw material from the same dark corners of the internet that the buffalo suspect did.

他們的調查發現，他的製片人有時會從互聯網的黑暗角落裡搜尋他的節目原材料，而水牛嫌疑人也是如此。

Now, that doesn't mean tucker is responsible for what happened.

現在，這並不意味著塔克要對所發生的事情負責。

But I would hope it would give anyone pause to find out that their browser history matches that of a mass murderer.

但我希望任何人在發現他們的瀏覽器歷史與一個大規模殺人犯的歷史相吻合時，都會感到震驚。

If I found out that Jeffrey Dahmer was really into the Lord of the Rings, I might switch over to the gnarliest stuff.

如果我發現傑弗裡-達默真的喜歡《指環王》，我可能會轉而看那些最可怕的東西。

Okay, let's go visit lion jesus Now.

好吧，我們現在就去拜訪獅子耶穌。

Although it sounds crazy and I can't believe I'm saying this recent polls show that 50% of Republicans agree with this garbage and not just because it's being mainstreamed by Fox News.

雖然這聽起來很瘋狂，而且我不敢相信我在說這個，最近的民意調查顯示，50%的共和黨人同意這種垃圾，而且不僅僅是因為它被福克斯新聞納入了主流。

but because it's being mainstreamed by high ranking republican officials like GOP conference chair and judge making a toddler cry at the talent show at least Stefanik.

但因為它被共和黨的高級官員，如GOP會議主席和法官在才藝表演中讓幼兒哭泣，至少Stefanik是主流。

In a series of facebook ads just last year, Stephanie's campaign claimed that radical democrats plan to grant amnesty to 11 million illegal immigrants will overthrow our current electorate and create a permanent liberal majority in Washington.

就在去年的一系列facebook廣告中，斯蒂芬妮的競選團隊聲稱，激進的民主黨人計劃給予1100萬非法移民大赦，將推翻我們目前的選民，在華盛頓創造一個永久的自由主義多數。

Oh and you know what those liberals will do with their powerful permanent majority, beg joe Manchin for paid family leave then he doesn't vote for it.

哦，你知道那些自由主義者會用他們強大的永久多數做什麼，求喬-曼欽提供帶薪家庭休假，然後他就不投贊成票。

Say oh okay then is there something else we could do for you?

說哦，好吧，那我們還能為你做些什麼嗎？

What if we fed coal directly to dolphins.

如果我們把煤直接餵給海豚，會怎麼樣？

So that's, that's terrible, terrible news.

所以那是，那是可怕的，可怕的消息。

But there's something I don't get to say a lot.

但有一件事我並不經常說。

There's actually good news from Eastern europe because over the weekend, Ukraine won the Eurovision Song Contest.

東歐其實有一個好消息，因為在週末，烏克蘭贏得了歐洲歌唱大賽。

Yeah.

是的。

Slava.

斯拉瓦。

Slava Ukraine, which I believe means suck at Putin because Russia was banned from Eurovision.

斯拉瓦-烏克蘭，我相信這意味著吸納普京，因為俄羅斯被禁止參加歐洲電視網。

Big bummer for Russia's top rapper Meghan.

俄羅斯頂級說唱歌手梅根的大倒黴。

The potato.

馬鈴薯。

The winning entry was a song from the Ukrainian ban Kalusha orchestra.

獲獎作品是一首來自烏克蘭班卡魯沙樂團的歌曲。

Let's see the winners in action.

讓我們看看獲獎者的表現。

Mhm.

嗯。

Mhm Come on, come on, bringing it.

來吧，來吧，帶著它。

That is my favorite kind of I wanna say folk rap E D m flute based Hobbit rock.

這是我最喜歡的一種我想說的民謠說唱E D m長笛為主的霍比特人搖滾。

I was so inspired that today, this is true.

我很受啟發，今天，這是真的。

I, I sent some people out to buy that yard long one hitter.

我，我派了一些人去買那個一碼長的單打。

The guy is working at the mic, which I now know is called, You have this here.

這傢伙在麥克風前工作，我現在知道它叫，你這裡有這個。

It's now called a Tell Lanka.

它現在被稱為 "Tell Lanka"。

Uh, that's a hot sound sound.

呃，那是一個熱的聲音的聲音。

You got it.

你得到了它。

That's a hot sound luis play me in.

那是一個熱的聲音，Luis把我玩弄於股掌之間。

Mm hmm.

嗯，嗯。

Thank you.

謝謝你。

Has Russia surrendered yet.

俄羅斯投降了嗎。

The winning song is called stefania and was written about the frontman's mother really raising the bar for Children everywhere.

獲獎歌曲名為《斯蒂芬妮》，寫的是主唱的母親真的為各地兒童提高了標準。

Those nice boys from Ukraine did a whole award winning song about their mom in the middle of a war.

那些來自烏克蘭的好孩子們做了一整首獲獎歌曲，講述他們的媽媽在戰爭中的故事。

You won't even reply to my emails.

你甚至不回覆我的電子郵件。

I sent you 10 million memes.

我給你發了1000萬條備忘錄。

I haven't gotten so much as a lull.

我還沒有得到這麼多的冷清。

It's a rough time for new parents right now Because nationwide 40% of baby formula is out of stock, luckily for parents, liquor stores still fully stocked.

現在對新父母來說是一個艱難的時刻 因為全國範圍內40%的嬰兒配方奶粉缺貨，幸運的是父母們，酒類商店仍然有充分的庫存。

The.

的。

Mm hmm.

嗯，嗯。

Mhm.

嗯。

Thank you.

謝謝你。

Rhythm is gonna get you the junior juice.

節奏是會讓你得到初級果汁的。

The junior juices in such short supply that recently a three pack of baby formula sold for $238 on Ebay.

初級果汁供不應求，最近在Ebay上，三包嬰兒奶粉賣到了238美元。

That sounds like a lot.

這聽起來好像很多。

But it was signed by hank Aaron thanks to the shortage.

但由於短缺，它是由漢克-亞倫簽署的。

Some desperate parents are even trying homemade baby formula recipes.

一些絕望的父母甚至在嘗試自制的嬰兒配方。

Oh great.

哦，太好了。

Now everyone's brother in law is going to be pushing their homebrew formula.

現在每個人的兄弟媳婦都要推崇他們的自釀配方。

Hey little guy try this one.

嘿，小傢伙，試試這個。

It's uh, it's pretty good.

它是呃，它是相當好的。

It's a fontanel I.

這是囟門I。

P.

P.

A.

A.

It's got a notes of pumpkin.

它有一種南瓜的味道。

It's hoppy.

它是啤酒花。

But it's drinkable coming down to the basement.

但下到地下室就可以喝了。

Help me bottle it to address the problem.

幫我裝瓶，解決這個問題。

The biden administration has announced that they will increase imports of formula and crack down on formula price gouging and senator Kirsten Gillibrand has said she will ask President biden to consider using the defense production act.

拜登政府已經宣佈，他們將增加配方奶粉的進口，並打擊配方奶粉的價格欺詐行為，參議員克爾斯滕-吉利布蘭德表示，她將要求拜登總統考慮使用國防生產法。

Yes, it is a full mobilization explains this recruiting poster.

是的，它是一個全面的動員解釋了這個招募海報。

Iowa baba.

愛荷華州的巴巴。

Mm hmm.

嗯，嗯。

Republicans.

共和黨人。

Mhm mm hmm.

Mhm mm hmm。

Mhm.

嗯。

How does he make it make those sounds?

他是如何讓它發出這些聲音的？

Republicans have a slightly different plan in mind.

共和黨人心中的計劃略有不同。

Let immigrant babies go hungry because when they're in us custody, our government rightly is responsible for feeding these migrant Children.

讓移民嬰兒捱餓，因為當他們在我們的監護下，我們的政府理所當然地要負責餵養這些移民兒童。

So they give them formula and to try to prove that this crisis is because the government's hoarding infant formula at the border.

所以他們給他們提供配方奶粉，並試圖證明這場危機是因為政府在邊境囤積嬰兒配方奶粉。

Republican Representative kat Cammack shared this photo on Fox News which CNN fact checked and found to be powdered milk.

共和黨代表卡特-卡梅克在福克斯新聞上分享了這張照片，CNN對其進行了事實核查，發現是奶粉。

Simple mistake.

簡單的錯誤。

They're both white powder also explains this Fox news headline, drug lords hoarding America's pancake mix now with formula with formula running out.

它們都是白色粉末，這也解釋了福克斯新聞的標題，毒梟囤積美國的煎餅混合料，現在配方已經用完。

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking steve just order those babies some pizza.

我知道你在想什麼，你在想史蒂夫只是給那些嬰兒訂了一些比薩。

Unfortunately there's also a shortage of pizza delivery drivers.

不幸的是，披薩外賣司機也很短缺。

Oh no we won't be able to get pizza or papa john's I I'm shocked about the driver shortage from what I have seen.

哦，不，我們將無法得到比薩餅或PAPA JOHN'S，從我看到的情況來看，我對司機的短缺感到震驚。

The internet is full of pizza guy recruitment videos and even if the female customer doesn't have cash on hand, apparently the job is very rewarding.

互聯網上到處都是披薩男的招聘視頻，即使女顧客手頭沒有現金，顯然這份工作也很有成就感。

Plus tips sometimes just the tip.

加上小費有時只是小費。

But okay, okay grow up, we're all adults here but okay, no Formula no delivery drivers.

但是好吧，好吧，長大了，我們都是成年人，但是好吧，沒有公式，沒有送貨司機。

I know what you're thinking.

我知道你在想什麼。

You're thinking steve, I'll just have the baby pizzas delivered by airplane?

你在想，史蒂夫，我就叫人用飛機把嬰兒披薩送過來？

Great idea but I'm sorry to say there's also a severe pilot shortage in the US.

好主意，但我很遺憾地說，美國也存在嚴重的飛行員短缺。

Oh no.

哦，不。

Now who's gonna tell the flight attendants to prepare for cross check what will happen to all those unchecked crosses.

現在誰來告訴空姐們準備交叉檢查，所有這些未檢查的交叉將發生什麼。

I don't think the plane will be allowed to land.

我不認為飛機會被允許降落。

We'll just keep the reason for the shortage.

我們只保留短缺的原因。

The reason the reason for the shortage is that during the pandemic travel slowed down a bunch of pilots retired and now airlines are rethinking training programs to lower the barrier to entry.

短缺的原因是，在大流行病期間，旅行放緩，一堆飛行員退休了，現在航空公司正在重新考慮培訓計劃，以降低進入的門檻。

Yes, specifically, one airline is proposing reducing flight our requirements before joining a US carrier.

是的，具體而言，一家航空公司提議在加入美國航空公司之前減少飛行我們的要求。

That's probably gonna change some in flight announcements, attention testers.

這可能會改變一些飛行中的公告，注意測試人員。

This is your captain speaking.

這是你的隊長在說話。

Everything is just hunky, dory up here.

這裡的一切都很好，很好。

Quick question.

快速的問題。

When it comes to altitude, Which would you say is better?

談到海拔，你說哪一個更好？

Big number or small number.

大數字或小數字。

We got a great show for you tonight.

今晚我們為您準備了一場精彩的演出。

My guests are Judd, Apatow and former Defense Secretary Mark esper.

我的嘉賓是賈德、阿帕圖和前國防部長馬克-埃斯珀。

But when we return, I'll tell you some of the juicy details in s spurs.

但當我們回來時，我會告訴你一些多汁的細節，在s spurs。

New book.

新書。

Stick around.

堅持下去。

Mhm, mm hmm, mm hmm.

嗯，嗯嗯，嗯嗯。