I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你們的主持人，Stephen Colbert。

YOU CAN FEEL THE ELECTRICITY IN THE AIR BECAUSE IT IS PRIMARY

你可以感覺到空氣中的電流，因為它是初級的。

DAY ALL ACROSS AMERICA.

整個美國的一天。

FIVE STATES ARE CHOOSING THEIR PARTY NOMINEES FOR STATE AND

五個州正在選擇他們的黨派提名的州長和副州長人選。

FEDERAL OFFICE: PENNSYLVANIA, OREGON, IDAHO, NORTH CAROLINA,

聯邦辦公室。賓夕法尼亞州、俄勒岡州、愛達荷州、北卡羅萊納州。

AND KENTUCKY.

和肯塔基州。

OR AS ELECTION EXPERTS COLLECTIVELY KNOW THEM

或如選舉專家集體所知

"POINCK"!

"POINCK"!

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IT'S--

(現在，它是...

( APPLAUSE ) "POINCK"!

(鼓掌) "poinck"!

TUESDAY-- NOW WE TAPE THIS SHOW EARLY-- YEAH, AND THAT MEANS WE

週二 -- 現在我們提前錄製這個節目 -- 是的，這意味著我們

DON'T KNOW THE RESULTS YET, KNOW THE RESULTS YET, BUT BY THE

還不知道結果，還不知道結果，但由

TIME THIS AIRS, THE VICTORS WILL BE CELEBRATING AND THE LOSERS

在這個節目播出的時候，勝利者將慶祝，而失敗者則是

WILL BE SAYING THEY'RE THE VICTORS.

將會說他們是勝利者。

IT'S A PARTICULAR BIG DAY FOR THE G.O.P.

對政府而言，這是一個特殊的大日子。

THE PARTY IS CHOOSING ITS DIRECTION FOR 2022: ORIGINAL

黨在為2022年選擇方向：原創

RECIPE NUTBALLS OR EXTRA-CRISPY COO COO CAJONES.

食譜中的堅果球或特別脆的咕咕咕咕咕咕。

( LAUGHTER ) AND-- MMM!

( 笑聲 ) 和 -- 嗯!

MMM!

MMM!

COO COO CAJONES.

coo coo cajones。

NOWHERE IS THAT COMPETITION TIGHTER THAN THE KEYSTONE STATE,

沒有什麼地方比基石州的競爭更激烈。

PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE THE REPUBLICAN SENATE RACE IS A

賓夕法尼亞州，共和黨參議院選舉是一個

BATTLE ROYALE BETWEEN HEDGE FUND EXECUTIVE AND DIVORCED DAD

對沖基金經理和離婚父親之間的大決戰

VACATIONING ALONE, DAVID McCORMICK; TV CONMAN AND FUNERAL

獨自度假，戴維-麥克米克；電視CONMAN和葬禮

DIRECTOR FLIRTATIOUSLY ASKING, "IS THIS CASKET TAKEN?"

導演輕佻地問："這個棺材有人要嗎？"

DR. MEHMET OZ; AND A SURPRISE LATECOMER FORMER RADIO TALK-SHOW

博士。梅梅特-奧茲；以及一位令人驚訝的後來者--前電臺脫口秀節目主持人。

HOST AND CHRISTIAN VENTRILOQUIST WITH A FAITH-BASED DUMMY,

主持人和基督教口技表演者與一個基於信仰的假人。

KATHY BARNETTE.

凱西-巴內特

AS OF THIS WEEK, McCORMICK'S INTERNAL POLLING SHOWED THE

截至本週，麥柯米克的內部民意調查顯示

CANDIDATES NECK AND NECK AND NECK, WITH McCORMICK AT 25% AND

候選者之間的競爭，與麥考密克之間的競爭是25%，而與其他競爭者之間的競爭是25%。

OZ AND BARNETTE TIED AT 24%.

盎司和巴尼特以24%的比例並列。

OF THE THREE, DR. OZ HAS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S BACKING, AND

在這三個人中，博士。盎司有前總統的支持，而且

LAST NIGHT, HE MADE SURE TO REMIND EVERYONE OF THAT.

昨晚，他一定要提醒大家這一點。

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THIS-- AND I THINK HE WAS RIGHT AND

>> 特朗普總統這樣說--我認為他是對的，而且

KIND TO SAY IT-- THAT I'M SMART, I AM TOUGH, AND I WILL NEVER LET

我想說的是，我很聰明，我很堅強，我永遠不會讓我的朋友們失望。

YOU DOWN.

你下來。

>> Stephen: BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING LIKE BEING CALLED SMART

>> 斯蒂芬：因為沒有什麼比被稱為 "聰明 "更好的了。

BY A MAN WHO STARED AT AN ECLIPSE.

由一個盯著日食的人。

( APPLAUSE ) BUT THEN--

(鼓掌)但隨後 --

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

(歡呼和掌聲) 不應該發生。

BUT THEN, THINGS GOT WEIRD.

但後來，事情變得很奇怪。

>> YOU NEVER WANT TO LET YOUR PEOPLE DOWN, SO WHEN YOU GO TO

>> 你永遠不想讓你的人失望，所以當你去到

BED AT NIGHT, PUT YOUR HEAD ON THAT SOFT PILLOW.

晚上睡覺時，把你的頭放在那個柔軟的枕頭上。

YOU KNOW OZ WILL BE DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO DO

你知道安茲會做你想讓他做的事。

IF YOU WERE THERE NEXT TO HIM.

如果你在他身旁。

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT IS THE

(笑) >> 史蒂芬：這就是

CREEPIEST POLITICAL PROMISE SINCE GEORGE H.W. BUSH SAID

自喬治-H-W-布什以來最令人毛骨悚然的政治承諾說

THIS: >> KISS MY LIPS.

這個。>>親吻我的嘴脣。

I GIVE TONGUE.

我給了舌頭。

>> Stephen: DR. OZ IS MAKING A BIG FINAL PUSH, BECAUSE

>> 斯蒂芬：博士。奧茲正在做最後的大推動，因為

BARNETTE HAS BEEN SURGING IN THE POLLS, DESPITE A LONG HISTORY OF

巴爾內特在民調中一直在飆升，儘管長期以來

BIGOTED STATEMENTS AGAINST GAY PEOPLE AND MUSLIMS.

對同性戀者和穆斯林的偏執言論。

OR POSSIBLY BECAUSE OF THAT.

或者可能是因為這個原因。

AND THIS WEEKEND, SHE TRIED TO DEFEND HER COMMENTS ON SUNDAY

本週末，她試圖為她在週日的言論辯護

SUNDAY FOX NEWS FUNDAY.

星期天的福克斯新聞基金日。

>> THE OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF THE TWEETS THAT ARE NOW BEING

>>現在絕大部分的推文都被

PRESENTED ARE NOT EVEN FULL THOUGHTS.

提出的甚至不是完整的想法。

THEY'RE NOT EVEN FULL SENTENCES.

它們甚至不是完整的句子。

>> Stephen: SEE?

>> 斯蒂芬：看到了嗎？

SHE'S A PERFECTLY QUALIFIED CANDIDATE FOR U.S. SENATE WHO

她是一個完全合格的美國參議員候選人，她是一個完全合格的美國參議員。

CANNOT FINISH A SENTENCE.

不能完成一個句子。

EXPLAINS HER CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "VOTE FOR!"

解釋了她的競選口號："投票支持！"

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( 笑聲 ) ( 掌聲 )

SURE.

當然。

KIND OF.

樣的。

KIND OF.

樣的。

BARNETTE SAID IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THESE COMMENTS HAPPENED

巴爾內特說，重要的是要記住這些評論的發生

A LONG TIME AGO.

很久以前。

>> I CAN'T PROVIDE A LOT OF CONTEXT BECAUSE, AGAIN, IT'S

>> 我不能提供大量的背景資料，因為，同樣，它是

ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO.

差不多十年前。

THAT IS HOW FAR THEY HAVE TO GO BACK TO TRY TO FIND ANYTHING

這就是他們必須回到過去才能找到的東西。

ON ME.

在我身上。

>> Stephen: OKAY, 10 YEARS.

>> 斯蒂芬：好吧，10年。

BUT KEEP IN MIND, KATHY BARNETTE IS A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.

但請記住，Kathy Barnette是一個50歲的女人。

THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "LOOK, WE ALL SAY AND DO STUPID THINGS

這就像說，"看，我們都說過和做過愚蠢的事情

WHEN WE TURN 40!

當我們40歲的時候!

IT'S THAT CAREFREE 22nd SUMMER AFTER HIGH SCHOOL!"

這是高中畢業後的第22個夏天，是CAREFREE！"

AND NOW TO ADD-- ( APPLAUSE )

現在要補充的是--（掌聲）。

AND NOW TO ADD INSURRECTION TO INJURY, THIS WEEKEND, SEVERAL

而現在，為了使叛亂更加嚴重，本週末，幾個

NEWS SITES CONFIRMED THAT THIS RIGHT HERE, IS, IN

新聞網站證實，這裡的這個東西，是在

FACT, KATHY BARNETTE MARCHING TO THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6,

事實上，Kathy Barnette在1月6日遊行到國會大廈。

ALONGSIDE THE PROUD BOYS.

與驕傲的男孩們並肩作戰。

SO SHE TRIED TO OVERTHROW AN INSTITUTION AND NOW WANTS TO

所以她試圖推翻一個機構，現在又想

WORK THERE?

在那裡工作？

THAT'S LIKE HOLDING UP A BANK AND SAYING, "PUT THE MONEY IN

這就像舉著一個銀行說，"把錢放進

THE BAG!

袋子!

ALSO, THIS SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY GOOD GIG.

另外，這似乎是一個相當不錯的工作。

CAN I DROP MY RESUME OFF WITH YOU GUYS?

我可以把我的履歷交給你們嗎？

BY THE WAY, HOW OFTEN DO THESE ROBBERIES HAPPEN?

順便問一下，這些搶劫案多久發生一次？

( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE THIS SEEMS KIND OF

(鼓掌)因為這似乎是一種

SCARY."

很可怕。"

FOR HIS PART, THE FORMER PRESIDENT SEEMS TO BE NERVOUS

就其本身而言，前總統似乎很緊張

THAT BARNETTE'S BRAND OF INTOLERANCE WILL BEAT OUT HIS

巴爾內特的不容忍品牌將擊敗他的

FAVORITE GRIFTER, BUT HE'S HEDGING HIS BETS, PUTTING

他是最受歡迎的金光黨，但他在為自己的賭注保駕護航，把

OUT THIS STATEMENT: KATHY BARNETTE WILL NEVER BE

出這個聲明。凱西-巴內特將永遠不會成為

ABLE TO WIN THE GENERAL ELECTION AGAINST THE RADICAL LEFT

能夠在大選中戰勝激進的左派

DEMOCRATS.

DEMOCRATS.

SHE HAS MANY THINGS IN HER PAST WHICH HAVE NOT BEEN PROPERLY

她在過去有很多事情沒有得到妥善處理

EXPLAINED OR VETTED.

解釋或審查。

ADDING, "BUT IF SHE IS ABLE TO DO SO, SHE WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL

補充說，"但如果她能夠這樣做，她將有一個美妙的

FUTURE IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, AND I WILL BE BEHIND HER ALL THE

我將一直支持她，因為她是共和黨的未來。

WAY."

辦法。"

( SCREECH ) ( APPLAUSE )

(尖叫聲) (鼓掌聲)

THAT'S A BIT OF AN ABRUPT TURN.

這就有點突然了。

( AS GROOM ): "I, GREGORY, DO TAKE

(作為GROOM): "我，格雷戈裡，接受

CATHERINE TO BE MY LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE, TO LOVE AND

凱瑟琳成為我的合法妻子，愛護和支持我的工作。

CHERISH, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH 'TIL DEATH DO US PART.

珍惜，無論疾病還是健康，直到死亡將我們分開。

UNLESS ANY OF THESE BRIDESMAIDS ARE INTO IT, I AM D.T.F."

除非這些伴娘中有人喜歡，否則我就是D.T.F。"

LET'S GET IT ON!

讓我們開始吧!

SPEAKING OF DERANGED LEADERS BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AND

說到瘋狂的領導人，英國首相和

MUPPET FINDING OUT WHERE THE HAND GOES, BORIS JOHNSON.

木偶找到了手的去處，鮑里斯-約翰遜。

( LAUGHTER ) AFTER MORE THAN TWO YEARS OF

(笑)在兩年多的時間裡

COVID WORK-FROM-HOME, JOHNSON IS CALLING ON BRITS TO COME BACK TO

在家工作的科維德，約翰遜正在呼籲英國人回來。

THE OFFICE, EXPLAINING, "MY EXPERIENCE OF WORKING FROM HOME

他解釋說，"我在家裡工作的經驗是

IS YOU SPEND AN AWFUL LOT OF TIME MAKING ANOTHER CUP OF

是你花了非常多的時間再做一杯

COFFEE AND THEN, YOU KNOW, GETTING UP, WALKING VERY SLOWLY

咖啡，然後，你知道，站起來，走得很慢

TO THE FRIDGE, HACKING OFF A SMALL PIECE OF CHEESE, THEN

到冰箱裡，砍下一小塊奶酪，然後

WALKING VERY SLOWLY BACK TO YOUR LAPTOP, AND THEN FORGETTING WHAT

非常緩慢地走回你的筆記本電腦，然後忘記了什麼是

IT WAS YOU'RE DOING."

這是你在做的。"

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOW SHORT IS BORIS JOHNSON'S

(歡呼聲和掌聲) 鮑里斯-約翰遜的時間有多短？

ATTENTION SPAN?

關注度？

( AS BORIS ) "SHOULD WE NEED TO DEPLOY

（作為鮑里斯）"我們是否需要部署

NUCLEAR MISSILES AGAINST OUR ENEMIES IN-- OH!

對付我們的敵人的核導彈... ...哦!

GOUDA!

GOUDA!

DON'T MIND IF I DO-DA.

不要介意，如果我這樣做-達。

NOW, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?

現在，我們在談論什麼？

GROMMET!

格隆美特！

THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS ABOUT RUSSIAM BECAUSE THERE'S SOME BAD

有一些關於俄羅斯的好消息，因為有一些壞消息

NEWS FOR RUSSIA: FINLAND AND SWEDEN HAVE BOTH

俄羅斯的新聞：芬蘭和瑞典都有

SIGNED OFF ON THEIR BIDS TO JOIN NATO.

簽署了他們加入北約的申請。

AND FINLAND-- ( APPLAUSE ).

和芬蘭 -- （掌聲）。

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.

這就對了，這就對了。

AND FINLAND AND SWEDEN ARE VERY SERIOUS ABOUT MAKING THIS

芬蘭和瑞典都非常認真地在做這件事。

OFFICIAL.

官方的。

THEY EACH LEFT A TOOTHBRUSH IN NATO'S BATHROOM.

他們每個人都在納託的浴室裡留下了一把牙刷。

ONE OF RUSSIA'S MAIN GOALS IN INVADING UKRAINE WAS TO WEAKEN

俄羅斯入侵烏克蘭的主要目的之一是為了削弱

NATO.

北約。

NOW, INSTEAD, THE ALLIANCE IS "ON THE BRINK OF STARTING ITS

現在，相反，該聯盟 "正處於開始實施的邊緣"。

LARGEST POTENTIAL EXPANSION IN NEARLY TWO DECADES."

近二十年來最大的潛在擴張"。

HOW IRONIC.

多麼諷刺。

( APPLAUSE ) IT'S LIKE THAT O. HENRY STORY

(掌聲) 這就像O.Henry的故事一樣

WHERE THE GUY BUYS HIS WIFE THE COMBS FOR HER HAIR, AND SHE

一個男人給他的妻子買了頭髮的梳子，而她

JOINS NATO.

加入北約。

( LAUGHTER ) RUSSIA SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT

(笑) 俄羅斯應該擔心的是

FINLAND JOINING, BECAUSE IT WOULD DOUBLE THE SIZE OF

芬蘭的加入，因為這將使芬蘭的面積增加一倍。

RUSSIA'S LAND BORDER WITH NATO AND ENTIRELY ENCIRCLE ITS

俄羅斯與北約的陸地邊界，完全包圍了北約。

THREE PORTS ON THE BALTIC SEA.

波羅的海上的三個港口。

AND IF RUSSIA LOSES THE BALTIC, ALL NATO HAS TO DO IS BUY

如果俄羅斯失去了波羅的海，北約要做的就是購買

MEDITERRANEAN AVENUE, AND THEY CAN START PUTTING UP HOTELS.

地中海大道，他們就可以開始建酒店了。

AND THEN IT'S OVER, BABY!

然後它就結束了，寶貝！

( APPLAUSE ) $450.

（掌聲）450美元。

PASS "GO," BUT THEN YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.

通過 "去"，但然後你就在那裡了。

NOW, BEFORE THE INVASION, PUTIN SAID THAT ANY OF RUSSIA'S

現在，在入侵前，普京說，任何俄羅斯的

NEIGHBORS JOINING NATO WOULD BE A RED LINE FOR THE COUNTRY, BUT

鄰居加入北約將是該國的一條紅線，但

YESTERDAY, PUTIN SAID SWEDEN AND FINLAND JOINING NATO WOULD CAUSE

昨天，普京說瑞典和芬蘭加入北約將導致

"NO PROBLEMS."

"沒有問題。"

APPARENTLY, RUSSIA IS SWITCHING MILITARY TACTICS FROM NAKED

顯然，俄羅斯正在轉換軍事戰術，從赤裸裸的

AGGRESSION TO PASSIVE AGGRESSION.

攻擊性到被動攻擊性。

BECAUSE "NO PROBLEM" NEVER MEANS "NO PROBLEM."

因為 "沒有問題 "從來不意味著 "沒有問題"。

IT'S RULE NUMBER ONE IN DEALING WITH DICTATORS AND MOTHERS.

這是與獨裁者和母親打交道的第一條規則。

( AS MOM ) "OH, YOU'RE NOT COMING HOME FOR

（作為媽媽）"哦，你不回家了

CHRISTMAS BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO COSTA RICA WITH YOUR

聖誕節，因為你要和你的朋友去哥斯達黎加。

NEW GIRLFRIEND?

新女友？

NO PROBLEM-- EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT BE THE LAST CHRISTMAS

沒問題--儘管這可能是最後一個聖誕節了

WHERE WE'RE ALL HERE.

我們都在這裡的地方。

WHO KNOWS, I COULD FALL DOWN THE STAIRS TOMORROW.

誰知道呢，我明天可能會從樓梯上摔下來。

OF COURSE, YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME GRANDCHILDREN YET, SO I GUESS I

當然，你還沒有給我孫子呢，所以我想我

WON'T BE MISSING THAT MUCH.

將不會錯過那麼多。

BUT YOU GO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

但你去玩得開心。

I'LL JUST SIT HERE IN THE DARK.

我就坐在這裡，在黑暗中。

IT'S...

它是...

IT'S NO PROBLEM."

這沒有問題。"

BUT, REGARDLESS-- ( APPLAUSE )

但是，無論如何 -- （掌聲）

"IT'S NO PROBLEM.

"這沒有問題。

THAT'S FINE.

這很好。

YOU GO AHEAD."

你走在前面。"

BUT REGARDLESS OF PUTIN'S REACTION, THIS IS A REALLY

但無論普京的反應如何，這都是一個真正的

COMPLICATED GEOPOLITICAL SHIFT, ESPECIALLY FOR SWEDEN, WHO HAS

複雜的地緣政治轉變，特別是對瑞典來說，他們已經

MAINTAINED NEUTRALITY FOR OVER 200 YEARS.

200多年來一直保持中立。

AND JOINING US NOW TO BREAK IT DOWN FOR US ARE "THE LATE

現在加入我們的行列，為我們分解的是 "已故的

SHOW'S" TOP SWEDISH EXPERTS.

節目中的 "頂級瑞典專家"。

WHAT, IN YOUR OPINION, IS SWEDEN SAYING ABOUT NATO

在您看來，瑞典對北約的看法是什麼？

MEMBERSHIP?

會員資格？

♪ TAKE A CHANCE ON ME ♪ >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK

給我一個機會吧 >> 斯蒂芬：你怎麼看？

PUTIN IS GOING TO SAY ABOUT THAT?

普京對此會怎麼說？

♪ I TRIED TO HOLD YOU BACK BUT YOU WERE STRONGER ♪

我試圖抱著你回來，但你是更強大的

>> Stephen: BY THE WAY, WHAT'S A GOOD MOVIE TO WATCH IF YOU JUST

>> 斯蒂芬：順便問一下，如果你只是想看一部好電影，有什麼好電影可以看？

NEED AN ESCAPE FROM THE BAD NEWS?

需要從壞消息中逃脫嗎？

♪ SUPER TROUPER ♪ >> Stephen: THAT'S WEIRD. I

SUPER TROUPER >> 斯蒂芬：這很奇怪。 I

THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SAY-- ♪ MAMMA MIA ♪

我以為你會說... ... 媽媽咪呀？

>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT ONE.

>> 斯蒂芬：是的，那一個。

SO, IN CONCLUSION: ♪ FERNANDO ♪

所以，總的來說： ? 費爾南多 ?

>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR THAT ANALYSIS.

>> 斯蒂芬：謝謝你的分析。

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

我們今晚為您準備了一場精彩的演出。

MY GUEST IS RICKY GERVAIS.

我的客人是Ricky Gervais。

HE'S GOING TO BE OVER THERE.

他將會在那裡。

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE OVER THERE WITH "MEANWHILE."

但當我們回來時，我將在那裡與 "同時"。

JOIN US, WON'T YOU.

請加入我們，好嗎？

JOIN US, WON'T YOU.

請加入我們，好嗎？