WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

歡迎來到 "晚間節目"。

I WANT TO SAY HI TO ALL MY FANS IN MEXICO CITY, RIGHT OFF THE

我想向我在墨西哥城的所有粉絲問好，就在這時

TOP.

TOP.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

（歡呼聲和掌聲）。

THERE YOU GO.

你去那裡。

THERE YOU GO.

你去那裡。

BROADCASTING LIVE TO MEXICO CITY.

向墨西哥城直播。

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你們的主持人，Stephen Colbert。

FOLKS, I TRY TO NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT HAVING ONE OF

鄉親們，我試圖永遠不要忽視一個事實，即擁有一個

THESE SHOWS IS A PROFOUUND PRIVILEGE, NOT JUST TO TELL

這些節目是一個巨大的特權，不僅僅是為了講述

JOKES-- HA HA-- BUT TO INFORM YOU, THE PUBLIC. THAT IS A

笑話--哈哈--但要告訴你，公眾。這是個

SACRED TRUST.

神聖的信任。

AND NO ONE IN LATE NIGHT GIVES YOU THE MIDTERM PRIMARIES IN

而在深夜沒有人給你提供中期初選的資訊。

FIVE STATES IN MID-MAY LIKE THE TEAM AT "THE LATE SHOW."

5月中旬，像 "晚間節目 "的團隊一樣，在五個州。

THIS IS: >> "ELECTION NIGHT IN 10% OF

這就是。>> "10%的選舉之夜

AMERICA '22."

AMERICA '22"。

>> Stephen: THE RESULTS ARE IN, AND AMERICA HAS UPHELD ITS

>> 斯蒂芬：結果已經出來了，美國人已經把自己的東西拿出來了。

PROUD TRADITION OF NOT KNOWING WHO WON.

驕傲的傳統是不知道誰贏了。

AT LEAST IN ONE RACE EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT-- THE REPUBLICAN

至少在每個人都在談論的一場比賽中 -- 共和黨人

NOMINATION FOR SENATE IN PENNSYLVANIA, WHICH PITS FORMER

賓夕法尼亞州參議員的提名，對陣雙方都是前參議員。

HEDGE FUND EXECUTIVE AND CUSTOMER ASKING THE MANAGER WHY

對沖基金高管和客戶詢問經理的原因

THE PEOPLE AT THAT TABLE GOT THEIR FOOD FIRST,

那張桌子上的人先得到他們的食物。

DAVID McCORMICK, AGAINST TV CHARLATAN AND WINNER OF THE EMMY

戴維-麥克米克，反對電視查拉坦和艾美獎得主

FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN SELF-TAXIDERMY, DR. MEHMET OZ.

榮獲 "自我標本製作傑出成就獎 "的是，梅梅-奧茲博士。MEHMET OZ.

( LAUGHTER ) AS OF THIS TAPING, THE RACE IS A

( 笑聲 ) 截止到本次錄製，比賽是一個

TOSS-UP, WITH DR. OZ GETTING 31.3% OF THE VOTE TO McCORMICK'S

拋出，博士。奧茲》獲得31.3%的選票，而《麥克米克》則獲得31.3%的選票。

31.1%.

31.1%.

WOW, THAT'S A NAILBITER.

哇，這是個釘子戶。

THAT IS STRESSFUL.

這是有壓力的。

AND THERE'S NO BETTER CURE FOR STRESS THAN DR. OZ'S RASPBERRY

沒有什麼比奧茲博士的葡萄柚更適合治療壓力的了。奧茲的紅莓

KETONE AND GREEN COFFEE BEAN PROTEIN PANCAKE MIX.

酮和綠咖啡豆蛋白煎餅混合物。

SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE STRESS.

副作用包括壓力。

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE'S THE THING.

（歡呼聲和掌聲）事情是這樣的。

IT IS.

它是。

IT'S A NAILBITER.

這是一個釘子戶。

BUT BOTH SIDES REMAIN CONFIDENT.

但雙方都保持信心。

LAST NIGHT, McCORMICK'S CHIEF STRATEGIST TWEETED, "BASED ON

昨天晚上，麥考密克的首席戰略家發了一條微博，"基於

HOW MANY UNCOUNTED ABSENTEE BALLOTS THERE ARE AND THE MARGIN

有多少張未計算的缺席選票，以及差額是多少？

BY WHICH DAVE HAS WON THEM SO FR, THAT'S WHY WE ARE

這也是為什麼我們要在這一領域進行研究。

CONFIDENT OF VICTORY."

對勝利充滿信心"。

WHILE AN ADVISER TO DR. OZ POINTED TO UNCOUNTED BALLOTS IN

而博士的一名顧問。盎司的顧問指出，中國的未計算的選票。

PHILADELPHIA AND DECLARED, "IT'S A JUMP BALL."

費城，並宣佈，"這是一個跳球"。

WHICH, I WILL REMIND YOU, IS HOW THEY EVENTUALLY DECIDED

我想提醒你，他們最終就是這樣決定的

BUSH V. GORE.

布什訴戈爾。

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( 笑聲 ) ( 掌聲 )

OKAY.

好吧。

W. WAS A MONSTER IN THE PAINT.

W.是油漆中的一個怪物。

HE WAS RAY MONSTER IN THE PAINT.

他是油漆中的射線怪物。

HE TOOK THE ROCK TO THE REHNQUIST.

他帶著石頭去找雷恩奎斯特。

PENNSYLVANIA LAW REQUIRES A RECOUNT WHEN THE MARGIN IS HALF

賓夕法尼亞州法律要求在差額為一半時重新計票

A PERCENTAGE POINT OR LESS, BUT ONE DR. OZ SUPPORTER SEES A

一個百分點或更少，但一位Dr.盎司的支持者看到了一個

WAY AROUND THAT.

圍繞這一點的方法。

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT FRAUD

當然，我說的是前總統的欺詐。

FLINTSTONE-- A.K.A. FLABBA DABBA GOO.

打火石--又名弗拉巴-達巴-古。

OLD FLABBA DABBA SAID SOMEWHERE ON THE INTERNET THAT

老弗拉巴-達巴在互聯網上的某個地方說，

OZ SHOULD NOT TRUST OUTSTANDING MAIL-IN BALLOTS, TYPING, "DR. OZ

盎司不應該相信未完成的郵寄選票，輸入 "Dr.OZ

SHOULD DECLARE VICTORY.

應該宣佈勝利。

IT MAKES IT MUCH HARDER FOR THEM TO CHEAT WITH THE BALLOTS THAT

這使得他們更難用選票作弊。

THEY 'JUST HAPPENED TO FIND.' WELL, I WILL GIVE HIM THIS: HE'S

他們 "碰巧找到了。"好吧，我給他這個。他是

AN AUTHORITY ON CHEATING.

一個關於作弊的權威。

JUST ASK ALL OF HIS WIVES.

問問他所有的妻子就知道了。

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE DO-- IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

(歡呼聲和掌聲)我們是......有一段時間了。

IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

有一段時間了。

JUST THROW IT OUT THERE.

只是把它扔在那裡。

THROW A LITTLE CORN OUT FOR THE CHICKENS.

扔一點玉米給雞吃。

WE DO KNOW WHO THE WINNER OF THIS RACE WILL FACE IN THE

我們確實知道這場比賽的贏家將面對誰。

GENERAL ELECTION: LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR JOHN FETTERMAN, SEEN

大選：副州長約翰-費特曼，見。

HERE IN HIS FORMAL HOODIE.

在這裡，他穿著正式的連帽衫。

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, UNLIKE THE REPUBLICANS, THE

( 笑聲 ) 現在，與共和黨人不同，......。

DEMOCRATIC RACE WAS NOT CLOSE, WITH FETTERMAN CAPTURING

民主選舉的結果並不接近，費特曼奪得了冠軍。

59% OF THE VOTE, AND POSSIBLY GOING ON TO WIN EVERY COUNTY IN

59%的選票，並可能繼續贏得每一個縣的選舉。

PENNSYLVANIA.

賓夕法尼亞州。

CLEARLY, HE IS A RISING STAR, WHICH MAY BE WHY ONE BIDEN

顯然，他是一顆冉冉升起的新星，這可能是為什麼一個拜登

ADVISER TOLD CNN, "THERE ARE BIG SIMILARITIES BETWEEN JOHN

顧問對CNN說，"約翰-卡斯特羅和他自己之間有很大的相似之處。

FETTERMAN AND JOE BIDEN."

費特曼和喬-比登。"

AND THAT COULD EXPLAIN BIDEN'S LATEST MAKEOVER.

這可以解釋拜登的最新改造。

THAT'S NICE.

這很好。

LOOKS GOOD.

看上去很好。

HE SHOULD DO IT.

他應該這樣做。

HE SHOULD GO FOR IT.

他應該去爭取。

DON'T FIGHT IT, RIGHT?

不要對抗它，對嗎？

RIGHT?

對嗎？

DON'T FIGHT IT, RIGHT?

不要對抗它，對嗎？

JUST GO FOR IT.

就去做吧。

PENNSYLVANIA REPUBLICANS DID DECISIVELY CHOOSE A CANDIDATE

賓夕法尼亞州共和黨人確實果斷地選擇了一名候選人

FOR GOVERNOR: STATE SENATOR AND MR. CLEAN GOING THROUGH A ROUGH

州長候選人：州參議員和先生。清廉的人正在經歷一個艱難的過程

DIVORCE, DOUG MASTRIANO.

離婚，杜格-馬斯特里亞諾。

MASTRIANO IS A HARD-RIGHT CHRISTIAN NATIONALIST AND A

馬斯特里亞諾是一個強硬的右翼基督教民族主義者和一個

CENTRAL FIGURE IN EFFORTS TO OVERTURN THE RESULTS OF THE 2020

在努力推翻2020年的結果方面，他是核心人物。

ELECTION IN PENNSYLVANIA.

賓夕法尼亞州的選舉。

THAT VICTORY SPEECH MUST HAVE BEEN A LITTLE AWKWARD:

勝利的演講一定是有點尷尬的。

"THANK YOU, PENNSYLVANIA.

"謝謝你，賓夕法尼亞州。

I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT DOMINION VOTING MACHINES

沒有多米尼克投票機，我不可能做到這一點

AND THE GHOST OF HUGO CHAVEZ.

和胡戈-查韋斯的幽靈。

THESE ELECTIONS ARE RIGGED!

這些選舉是被操縱的!

STOP THE STEAL!

停止偷竊!

LOCK ME UP!" LOOK ME UP!

把我鎖起來！"看著我！

( APPLAUSE ) ONE OF THE BIG LOSERS LAST NIGHT

( 掌聲 ) 昨晚的大輸家之一

WAS NORTH CAROLINA REPRESENTATIVE MADISON CAWTHORN,

是北卡羅來納州代表麥迪遜-考特恩。

SEEN HERE-- ( APPLAUSE )

看到這裡 -- （掌聲）

SEEN HERE ENTERING A LIST OF HIS TOP AXE BODY SPRAY SCENTS INTO

在這裡看到，他把他最喜歡的斧子身體噴霧的清單輸入了

THE CONGRESSIONAL RECORD.

國會記錄。

MANGO MUSK!

芒果醬!

CAWTHORN HAD THE EX-PRESIDENT'S ENDORSEMENT, BUT HE STILL LOST

山楂樹有前總統的支持，但他還是輸了。

THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY TO NORTH CAROLINA STATE SENATOR AND

共和黨初選中，北卡羅來納州參議員和

HOTEL CONCIERGE WATCHING YOU AND YOUR WIFE KISS, CHUCK EDWARDS.

酒店門房看著你和你妻子接吻，Chuck Edwards。

IN ADDITION TO HIS ROLE IN THE STATE SENATE, EDWARDS OPERATES

除了在州參議院的角色外，愛德華茲還負責經營

McDONALD'S FRANCHISES IN WESTERN NORTH CAROLINA.

McDONALD'S FRANCHISES IN WESTERN NORTH CAROLINA.

SO WHILE CAWTHORN HAD THE EX-PRESIDENT'S SUPPORT, EDWARDS

是以，雖然考特恩得到了前總統的支持，但愛德華茲

WAS ENDORSED BY THE EX-PRESIDENT'S TOP ADVISER.

被前總統的最高顧問認可。

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( 笑聲 ) ( 掌聲 )

NOW, IT'S KIND OF SHOCKING-- HERE'S THE THING--

現在，這是一種令人震驚的 - 這裡的事情 -

( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S THE THING, HERE IS THE--

(掌聲) 事情是這樣的，這裡是......。

IT'S KIND OF SHOCKING FOR AN INCUMBENT, MAGA-APPROVED

對於一個在職的、馬加爵認可的人來說，這有點令人震驚。

CONGRESSMAN TO LOSE HIS PRIMARY.

國會議員在初選中失利。

BUT IT MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH CAWTHORN ANGERING HIS

但這可能與山楂樹惹怒了他有關。

G.O.P. COLLEAGUES BACK IN MARCH, WHEN HE SAID THIS:

G.O.P.的同事早在3月份就說過這樣的話。

>> THE SEXUAL PERVERSION THAT GOES ON IN WASHINGTON, ALL THE

>> 在華盛頓發生的性變態行為，所有的

SUDDEN, YOU GET INVITED TO, LIKE, "WELL, HEY, WE'RE GONNA

突然間，你被邀請參加，比如，"嗯，嘿，我們要去

HAVE KIND OF A SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER AT ONE OF OUR

在我們的一個地方，有一種性的聚會。

HOMES.

住宅。

YOU SHOULD COME!" AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT DID YOU JUST

你應該來！"我就說，"你剛才說什麼？

ASK ME TO COME TO?" AND THEN YOU REALIZE THEY'RE

叫我來？"然後你意識到他們是

ASKING YOU TO COME TO AN ORGY.

叫你來參加狂歡。

SOME OF THE PEOPLE LEADING ON THE MOVEMENT TO TRY AND REMOVE

一些上司運動的人，試圖去除

ADDICTION IN OUR COUNTRY, AND THEN YOU WATCH THEM DO A KEY

在我們國家上癮，然後你看著他們做一個關鍵的

BUMP OF COCAINE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

在你面前的可卡因的碰撞。

>> Stephen OKAY, THAT'S AN OBVIOUS LIE.

>> 斯蒂芬 好吧，這是一個顯而易見的謊言。

IF MEMBERS OF CONGRESS WERE ON COCAINE, THEY WOULD GET A LOT

如果國會議員服用可卡因，他們會得到很多

MORE DONE.

做得更多。

( SNIFFS ) WOOO!

( 嗅覺 ) 嗚呼!

OOO!

OOO!

"OK, THAT'S TEN BILLS ALREADY PASSED.

"好的，這就是已經通過的十個法案。

TEAL YOU WHAT, BRO, LET'S FILE CLOTURE AND KEEP GOING.

你說什麼，兄弟，讓我們提出訴訟程序，繼續前進。

JUST READ THE BUDGET ALOUD WHILE I CLEAN THE SENATE CHAMBER WITH

在我打掃參議院會議廳時，只需大聲宣讀預算。

A TOOTHBRUSH.

一把牙刷。

OR START A BAND.

或者組建一個樂隊。

ANYONE CRAZY THIRSTY?

有人瘋狂地渴了嗎？

ROAD TRIP!

公路旅行!

ROAD TRIP!

公路旅行!

GO TO THE SHORE!" THAT'S JUST THE TIP-- I HEARD, I

到岸上去！"這僅僅是個小插曲--我聽說，我

DON'T KNOW.

不知道。

THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.

這是我聽到的。

BUT THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF WHAT I IMAGINE WERE A GOOD NUMBER OF

但這只是我想象中的一個小插曲，我想這是一個很好的數字。

TIPS, BECAUSE CAWTHORN HAS A BUNCH OF SCANDALS, INCLUDING

提示，因為山楂樹有一堆的醜聞，包括

BEING ACCUSED OF ENGAGING IN INSIDER TRADING, CHARGED WITH

被指控從事內幕交易，被控以

DRIVING WITH A REVOKED LICENSE, AND BEING STOPPED FOR TRYING TO

用被吊銷的駕照開車，並因試圖在車道上行駛而被攔下。

BRING A GUN THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY-- TWICE.

帶槍通過機場安檢--兩次。

THAT IS SO STUPID.

這真是太愚蠢了。

EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T BRING A GUN TO THE AIRPORT.

每個人都知道你不能帶槍去機場。

YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE THROUGH SECURITY AND THEN GO

你必須等待，直到你通過安檢，然後去

TO "HUDSON NEWS" TO GET A TRAVEL-SIZE GUN.

到 "哈德遜新聞 "去買一支旅行用的槍。

( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW CAWTHORN IS ON HIS WAY

(笑) 但現在山楂樹已經在路上了

OUT, WHICH IS A TOUGH BREAK.

出，這是個艱難的突破。

HOW WILL YOU DEAL WITH THIS DEFEAT, MADISON?

你將如何處理這次失敗，麥迪遜？

>> KEY BUMP OF COCAINE.

>>可卡因的關鍵撞擊。

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> 斯蒂芬：好的。

OKAY, WHATEVER GETS YOU THROUGH THE NIGHT.

好吧，只要能讓你度過這個夜晚。

IN PANDEMIC NEWS, COVID IS SURGING, BUT IT'S HARD TO TELL

在大流行病的新聞中，Covid正在激增，但很難看出來

NUMBERS CERTAINLY SEEM TO BE GOING UP HERE IN NEW YORK, WHERE

在紐約，這個數字似乎正在上升，在這裡

THIS WEEK, CORONAVIRUS CASES REACHED A HIGH ALERT LEVEL.

本週，冠狀病毒病例達到高度警戒水準。

TO BE FAIR, WHEN YOU'RE WALKING AROUND NEW YORK CITY, YOU'RE

公平地說，當你在紐約市內走動時，你就會發現

OFTEN ON HIGH ALERT.

經常處於高度警戒狀態。

"HONEY, WALK FASTER AND DON'T TURN AROUND.

"親愛的，走快點，不要轉身。

THE GUY BEHIND US ISN'T WEARING PANTS, BUT HE IS WEARING AN ELMO

我們身後的人沒有穿褲子，但他穿了一個艾莫。

HEAD.

頭部。

AND NOT WHERE HE'S SUPPOSED TO.

而不是他應該去的地方。

OH, GOD, HE'S GOT A GREENPEACE PETITION.

哦，上帝，他有一個綠色和平組織的請願書。

MOVE!

動起來!

MOVE!" COVID IS ALSO RISING ON THE WEST

動起來！"科維德也在西部崛起

COAST.

海岸。

CASE IN POINT, MY DEAR FRIEND AND FELLOW LATE-NIGHT HOST

這方面的例子是，我親愛的朋友和深夜主持人同伴

JIMMY KIMMEL HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID AGAIN.

吉米-基梅爾再次對考維德檢測呈陽性。

WE WISH HIM A SPEEDY RECOVERY.

我們祝願他早日康復。

BUT I DO WANT TO POINT OUT, GETTING COVID TWICE IS KIND OF

但我想指出的是，兩次獲得Covid是一種

MY THING.

我的事。

( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU'RE GONNA STEAL MY BIT,

（笑聲）如果你要偷我的位子。

JIMMY, I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO STEAL ONE OF YOURS, TOO.

Jimmy，我別無選擇，只能也偷一個你的。

IT'S TIME FOR "MEAN TWEETS."

現在是 "卑鄙的推文 "時間。

♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

( 掌聲 )

HERE WE GO.

我們來了。

HERE WE GO.

我們來了。

GET BETTER, KIMMEL, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T GET WORSE.

變得更好，Kimmel，因為你不可能變得更糟。

VERY MEAN.

非常吝嗇。

THAT'S VERY-- THAT'S VERY MEAN, VERY MEAN.

這非常......這非常卑鄙，非常卑鄙。

IT'S HARD TO TELL IF KIMMEL GOT COVID FROM A STAFF MEMBER OR A

很難說基梅爾是否從工作人員那裡得到了covid，還是從一個人那裡得到了covid。

FAMILY MEMBER, BECAUSE MOST OF HIS STAFF ARE FAMILY MEMBERS.

因為他的大部分工作人員都是家庭成員。

SAD TO HEAR THAT COVID SIDELINED MY THIRD-FAVORITE JIMMY, AFTER

悲哀的是，Covid把我最喜歡的Jimmy排在了第三位。

FALLON AND "DEAN SAUSAGE."

秋天和 "迪安香腸"。

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( 笑聲 ) ( 掌聲 )

I DON'T KNOW WHY-- I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE WOULD DO THIS.

我不知道為什麼 -- 我不知道為什麼有人會這樣做。

I DON'T BE WHY.

我不知道為什麼。

JIMMY KIMMEL HAS COVID?

吉米-基梅爾有科維德？

WHO CARES?

誰在乎呢？

I ONLY WATCH HIS SHOW FOR THE ROOTS ANYWAY.

反正我只看他的節目的根部。

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

我們今晚為您準備了一場精彩的演出。

MY GUEST IS SECRETARY OF STATE, ANTONY BLINKEN.

我的客人是國務卿安東尼-布林肯。

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JOHNNY CASH IS BACK IN THE NEWS FOR A

但當我們回來的時候，約翰尼-卡什又出現在新聞中了。

REASON THAT MAY SURPRISE YOU.

原因可能讓你吃驚。

STICK AROUND.

粘在一起。