we're putting together montages

我們正在把蒙太奇放在一起

of some of our favorite show highlights.

的一些我們最喜歡的節目亮點。

Now, anyone who knows me,

現在，任何認識我的人。

knows I am not a fan of video games.

知道我不是一個視頻遊戲的粉絲。

I don't play them.

我不玩它們。

And I'm really not good at them at all,

而且我真的一點也不擅長這些。

which is why I decided I was the perfect person

這就是為什麼我決定我是一個完美的人

to review them.

來審查它們。

Why not?

為什麼不呢？

In a segment, we call Clueless Gamer.

在一個環節中，我們稱之為無知的遊戲者。

(applause)

(鼓掌)

Here are some

這裡有一些

of our best love Clueless Gamer moments.

我們的最佳愛情無厘頭玩家時刻。

Conan O'Brien here with another Clueless Gamer.

柯南-奧布萊恩在此與另一位無知的遊戲者一起。

Why do I fear the Slender Man?

為什麼我害怕 "縴夫"？

He can kill.

他可以殺人。

Are you scared, right now?

你害怕嗎，現在？

I would say, is boredom count as scared?

我想說，無聊算不算是害怕？

Was this a European game?

這是一場歐洲比賽嗎？

No, no.

不，不。

Is it a European game?

這是一個歐洲遊戲嗎？

I don't think so.

我不這麼認為。

Because Europeans, man, they blow sometimes.

因為歐洲人，夥計，他們有時會吹。

It is the Slender Man.

它是 "縴夫"。

It is an old folk tale, the Slender Man.

這是一個古老的民間故事，即 "縴夫"。

What does he do to children?

他對兒童做了什麼？

He takes away their chestnuts.

他拿走了他們的栗子。

Oh, that's a European truck.

哦，那是一輛歐洲卡車。

Tell me that's not some weird, Dutch truck.

告訴我這不是什麼奇怪的荷蘭卡車。

Look at that.

看看這個。

That's a Stroby.

那是一個斯特羅比。

I did the voice of this guy.

我為這個人配了音。

Why would a Gondorian come here,

貢多拉人為什麼要來這裡。

and try to murder all of the orcs?

並試圖謀殺所有的獸人？

Maybe you have a problem with one orc.

也許你對一個獸人有意見。

You didn't change your voice at all.

你根本就沒有改變你的聲音。

You in no way changed your voice.

你根本沒有改變你的聲音。

What was that?

那是什麼？

You're just, want us to just do

你只是，希望我們只是做

some spare lines from Silicon Valley

硅谷的一些閒話

and call it a day.

並宣佈結束。

Don't see this ending well.

我不認為這有什麼好結果。

What are you saying?

你在說什麼？

I'm saying Piper needs funding.

我是說派普需要資金。

You can design your own character.

你可以設計你自己的角色。

I've been hard at work at mine and that's me.

我一直在努力工作，這就是我。

Leg to torso ratio is about correct.

腿與軀幹的比例基本正確。

From Boston, Massachusetts.

來自馬薩諸塞州波士頓。

God,

上帝。

that's humiliating.

這是很丟人的。

What an asshole.

真是個混蛋。

Oh, I'm surprised I'm not shot, right now.

哦，我很驚訝我沒有中槍，現在。

Hello?

喂？

I'm coming.

我來了。

Remember when we were in that band together?

還記得我們一起在那個樂隊的時候嗎？

Yeah, weren't you a bass player in the Deftones?

是的，你不是Deftones樂隊的貝斯手嗎？

Hey, you want to go bug some people

嘿，你想去打擾一些人嗎？

down in Venice?

在威尼斯的時候？

Hey man, listen.

嘿，夥計，聽著。

You don't get it, man.

你不明白，夥計。

Mason had a plan, man.

梅森有一個計劃，夥計。

He had a plan.

他有一個計劃。

Look, I just got fired from Amoeba, all right?

聽著，我剛剛被阿米巴公司解僱，好嗎？

For now, where am I shoot to work?

現在，我在哪裡拍攝工作？

Look, I did your tattoos for you for free.

聽著，我為你免費做了紋身。

Ow, ow, ow.

嗷，嗷，嗷。

I haven't done any of this, by the way.

順便說一句，我沒有做過這些事。

No, this is.

不，這就是。

Just so you at home know,

只是讓在家的你知道。

we haven't touched the controller for 45 minutes.

我們已經45分鐘沒有碰過控制器了。

No, no, no, no, no, no,

不，不，不，不，不，不，不。

okay, okay,

好的，好的。

dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.

哥們兒，哥們兒，哥們兒，哥們兒，哥們兒。

You don't have to pay me for the tattoos.

你不需要為紋身付給我錢。

You don't have to pay me for the tattoos.

你不需要為紋身付給我錢。

It's fine.

這很好。

I don't know.

我不知道。

Uncross your eyes?

解開你的眼睛？

No,

沒有。

no.

不。

Kick me out of a strip club,

把我趕出脫衣舞俱樂部。

I come back with a missile firing chopper.

我帶著發射飛彈的直升飛機回來了。

There it is, right below us.

它就在那裡，就在我們下面。

Where?

在哪裡？

Yeah.

是的。

You got hit pretty hard.

你被打得很慘。

I did, yeah.

我做了，是的。

You were playing the Vikings.

你在和維京人隊比賽。

I wanted to show a video of you getting tackled

我想展示一下你被擒獲的視頻

but NFL won't let us have the footage.

但NFL不會讓我們擁有這些錄像。

So the closest thing we can do is show

是以，我們能做的最接近的事情是展示

this simulation of what happened to you.

這個模擬發生在你身上的事情。

Take a look.

看一看。

All right, then there's Samus.

好吧，然後是薩姆斯。

Wasn't this one of the guys from Daft Punk?

這不是Daft Punk的一個人嗎？

What's this one, Marth?

這個是什麼，馬思？

So these are all from different games.

所以這些都是來自不同的遊戲。

Yes.

是的。

It expands the world of Nintendo.

它擴展了任天堂的世界。

Do you know about all these games?

你知道所有這些遊戲嗎？

Yes.

是的。

So you have, you've got no life.

所以你有，你已經沒有生命了。

You've put in all your eggs into this basket.

你把你所有的雞蛋都放在這個籃子裡了。

All right, so Greninja is, that's his tongue

好吧，那麼格林尼賈是，那是他的舌頭

and his scarf.

和他的圍巾。

He's like a, kind of like a frog.

他就像一個，有點像一隻青蛙。

Quick, who was our second president

快，誰是我們的第二任總統

after Washington?

在華盛頓之後？

Benjamin Franklin?

本傑明-富蘭克林？

He was never president.

他從未擔任過總統。

Benjamin Franklin.

本傑明-富蘭克林。

Uh, no, no, no, it was, uh.

呃，不，不，不，那是，呃。

You know all this shit.

你知道所有這些狗屎。

But you don't know who our second president was.

但你不知道我們的第二任總統是誰。

Quick, what's his name?

快，他叫什麼名字？

I mean he's a villager, from Animal Crossing.

我是說他是一個村民，來自《動物世界》。

And who's that?

那是誰呢？

That's from Fire Emblem, that's Marth.

那是來自《火焰紋章》，那是馬思。

Okay, America just lost.

好吧，美國剛剛輸了。

You get to play yourself.

你可以扮演你自己。

There you are, and.

你在這裡，還有。

What do you think?

你怎麼看？

Wait, wait, wait, they gave you the same score as me.

等等，等等，他們給你的分數和我一樣。

Yeah.

是的。

There I am getting moisturizer.

我在那裡得到了保溼劑。

Okay, this is exciting.

好吧，這很令人興奮。

Look at me, I have no fear.

看著我，我沒有恐懼。

Hey, hey, hey, no, hey.

嘿，嘿，嘿，不，嘿。

What the hell was that?

那是什麼鬼東西？

That's me after three beers.

這就是喝了三瓶啤酒的我。

Oh my God, this is fantastic.

哦，我的上帝，這真是太棒了。

And so now, we've got to get across the street.

所以現在，我們必須到街對面去。

Get across the street.

到街對面去。

I'm going to cross the street.

我要過馬路了。

Here we go.

在這裡，我們走了。

Cross the street, watch yourself.

過馬路時要注意自己。

Oh, no.

哦，不。

You know what, they don't even slow down

你知道嗎，他們甚至沒有放慢速度

when I've been hit.

當我被擊中時。

Get across the street.

到街對面去。

Shut up.

閉嘴吧。

Here I go.

我在這裡。

Get across the street. Get across the street.

到街對面去。到街對面去。

Stop saying that.

不要再這麼說了。

I'm going.

我去了。

No.

沒有。

I am not leaving this room

我不會離開這個房間

until I get across this street.

直到我穿過這條街道。

I'm almost across, oh.

我快到對面了，哦。

Get across the street.

到街對面去。

Shut up, shut up.

閉嘴吧，閉嘴吧。

No, oh God.

不，哦，上帝。

Oh.

哦。

This is the hardest thing I've done in my life.

這是我一生中做過的最困難的事情。

Get across the street.

到街對面去。

How do you run, again?

你是怎麼跑的，再說一遍？

Get across the street.

到街對面去。

Yes, yes.

是的，是的。

Wait a minute, look at that.

等一下，看看這個。

There's a bridge that goes across the street.

有一座橋，穿過了街道。

There's a pedestrian crossover.

有一個人行橫道。

You stupid idiot.

你這個愚蠢的白痴。

Peter, you are the winner,

彼得，你是贏家。

because it's Game of Thrones,

因為它是《權力的遊戲》。

you will now be presented with my head on a spike

現在，你將看到我的頭被釘在釘子上。

by our George RR Martin lookalike.

由我們的喬治-RR-馬丁（George RR Martin）長相的人。

It's kind of me.

這是對我的一種肯定。

I'm chasing Tom Brady.

我在追趕湯姆-布雷迪。

Focus.

焦點。

What? What did I just do?

什麼？我剛才做了什麼？

You won.

你贏了。

You just knocked Tom Brady off the bridge.

你剛剛把湯姆-布雷迪撞下了橋。

Oh, God.

哦，上帝。

He's dead.

他已經死了。

Round two.

第二回合。

Round three, this decides it.

第三輪，這決定了它。

There you go.

你去吧。

No, what the hell happened?

不，到底發生了什麼？

This is Mario Kart version eight, is that right?

這是馬里奧卡丁車第八版，是這樣嗎？

I don't know.

我不知道。

We were thinking maybe we should have like

我們在想，也許我們應該有像

stakes to it, like, uh-

盯著它，像，呃--

Stakes to the game?

遊戲的賭注？

Like if the lose, like something happens

比如說如果輸了，比如說發生了什麼

if you lose.

如果你輸了。

Like a college thing.

像大學的事情。

Like people draw shit on each other's faces?

就像人們在彼此的臉上畫屎一樣？

Like dicks?

比如陽具？

Wait, did I just come in first?

等等，我剛才是第一個來的嗎？

You did just come in first.

你剛才確實排在第一位。

I came in first.

我是第一個來的。

Something like that.

類似這樣的事情。

And look at my own natural arm hair

再看看我自己的天然手臂毛髮

has created hair.

已經創造了頭髮。

Look at that.

看看這個。

Dude, you're done.

老兄，你完蛋了。

Yes.

是的。

That's not bad at all.

這一點也不壞。

Okay, then,

好吧，那麼。

the game is Mario Kart eight.

遊戲是馬里奧卡丁車八。

And it is rated E, for everyone.

而且它被評為E級，適合所有人。

This is where I struggle with RPGs

這就是我對RPG遊戲的糾結之處

because it's a lot of just walking around.

因為它有很多隻是走來走去。

I got no credits.

我沒有得到學分。

This is, we're trapped in a Beckett play.

這是，我們被困在貝克特的戲劇中。

There's nothing,

什麼都沒有。

there's nothing that's going to happen,

沒有什麼會發生。

we're waiting for things that can't happen.

我們在等待不可能發生的事情。

This is an aggressive wasting of our time.

這是對我們時間的積極浪費。

Look at that thing.

看看那個東西。

What, the (beep) is this?

這是什麼，（嗶嗶聲）？

Wow.

哇。

It's a really impressive beast,

這是一個真正令人印象深刻的野獸。

could have started the game with this thing.

可以用這個東西開始遊戲。

Tell me when something happens.

有事發生時告訴我。

Was that it?

是這樣嗎？

That was the battle?

這就是那場戰鬥？

What, did something happen?

什麼，發生了什麼事嗎？

That's it?

就這樣了？

I don't really feel a sense of accomplishment.

我並沒有真正感到成就感。

That was just to suss him out,

這只是為了探查他的情況。

and then when you actually battle him

然後當你真正與他戰鬥時

it takes three real days.

這需要三天的時間。

What's the point of all this?

這一切的意義何在？

It seriously takes three real days?

這真的需要三天的時間嗎？

It takes-

它需要-

Why would someone play this?

為什麼會有人玩這個？

Why would someone play this game?

為什麼會有人玩這個遊戲？

People who made the game are outside

製作遊戲的人都在外面

and I didn't realize they're watching us

而我沒有意識到他們在監視我們

so they're actually watching me, now,

所以他們現在真的在看著我。

complain viciously about it.

惡毒地抱怨它。

And they're both behind that door.

而他們都在那扇門後面。

And here's the beauty,

而這裡的美景。

the only way out of the room,

這是離開房間的唯一途徑。

is through that door.

是通過那扇門。

The only way Elijah and I could get to our cars,

這是我和伊萊亞能夠到達我們汽車的唯一途徑。

go back to our lives is through that door.

回到我們的生活是通過那扇門。

And they're still watching me say this.

而且他們還在看著我說這些。

We have to face them.

我們必須面對他們。

This, what's happening now,

這，就是現在的情況。

is more thrilling than anything that happened

比任何發生的事情都要驚心動魄

to this (inaudible).

對這個（聽不清）。

Hello?

喂？

You've been working on this game for seven months?

你已經在這個遊戲上工作了七個月？

What's the (beep) purpose?

什麼是（嗶）的目的？

You're a murderer.

你是個殺人犯。

A mass murderer of people's time.

一個大規模殺害人民的時代。

Babies will not be born because of you.

嬰兒不會因為你而出生。

Crops will not be brought in from the fields.

農作物不會從田裡運來。

That said, good job.

也就是說，做得好。