Or do you suddenly feel a little tense, remembering consistent criticism, feeling shame, or being a scapegoat for everything?

還是你會突然感到有點緊張，憶起不斷的責備、感到羞愧，甚或凡事都是替罪羔羊的經歷？

That parental relationship could be troubled and toxic, which would leave you, even now, feeling confused, maybe anxious, or lost.

那樣的親子關係可能有問題或不健康，使你甚至到了現在都還會感到不知所措、可能的焦慮或迷茫。

We get that entertainment sources out there show nothing but the toxic-turned-gold story of parenting, and we're here to shed some truth on that.

我們熟知一些娛樂媒介只會廣為宣傳「父母終究是為你好」的故事，但我們今天想要揭露一些真相。

Namely, that reality isn't like that, and you aren't obligated to believe the Hollywood fantasy.

也就是說，現實並不是這樣的，而且你沒有義務去相信那些好萊塢幻想。

Hopefully, these next bits of truth will help all of you out there find some hope or, at least, a starting point to healing.

希望接下來的這些真相能幫助你們找到一些希望，或至少找到治癒的起點。

Number one, accept that they won't change.

第一、接受他們不會改變的事實。

Quick, picture ideal parents in your mind.

快！在腦海中想像理想父母的樣子。

We're willing to bet that, details aside, the ideal parent loves their children unconditionally, meeting their child's needs with all their actions firmly set to benefit the child.

撇開細節不談，我們敢打賭，你理想中父母一定是無條件地愛著子女，為了孩子利益堅定地用所有行動來滿足他們的需求。

Toxic parents don't do this.

有毒的父母並不會這樣做。

They often don't even come close to meeting the child's needs for love and support, which has a lasting, damaging impact.

他們的作為往往甚至與孩子對愛和支持的需求相差甚遠，而這會在孩子身上留下長遠且有害的影響。

Even the idea that parents would willingly do this is abhorrent.

光是會有父母有意識地這樣做的想法都令人憎惡。

So, we hold onto the belief that once we become adults and succeed or present evidence of what they've done, those parents will be remorseful, changing their whole mindset.

所以我們一直堅定地認為，一旦我們成年、成功或是用證據控訴父母的所作所為後，他們會感到後悔，進而全盤改變心態。

This expectation will provide nothing but disappointment.

但這種期望只會帶來失望。

In fact, you may have already tried and been let down.

事實上，你可能已經嘗試過，也已經被辜負了。

So, you thought, "Maybe next time, if I do this one thing...."

所以你想：「也許下一次，如果我做這件事的話……」

Stop.

停止。

It won't be the next time or the time after.

不管是下次下下次，結果都一樣。

You know why?

知道為什麼嗎？

Because it's not you that's the problem.

因為問題不在於你。

They won't change, and that is neither your obligation nor responsibility.

他們不會改變，而這也不是你的義務或責任來讓他們改變。

Those needs for love and affection weren't met by your parents as a child and they won't be as an adult.

小時沒有得到父母在愛和親情方面的滿足，長大後也不會。

So, let it go.

所以，放手吧。

Yeah, sing it if you need to.

是的，如果需要的話就唱出來吧。

The good news is, though, you don't need them to do it for you⏤you can meet those needs yourself from another source of your choice.

不過，好消息是，你不需要他們為你做這件事──你可以藉由自己選擇的來源來滿足這些需求。

This will allow you to have a different relationship with your parents based on reality and not wishes.

基於現實而不是期望， 這將幫助你與父母能夠擁有不同的關係。

Number two, you are the master of your own happiness.

第二、自己的幸福自己做主。

Your parents do not decide your happiness.

你的父母並不能決定你的幸福。

They aren't the happy key, whereby, if only you have that secure relationship, you'd be happy.

他們並不是你快樂的關鍵，而你只有在那樣安全的關係下，才能快樂。

If you're banking on this, you've given them all the power, and it doesn't belong to them; it's yours.

如果你是那樣寄託自己的幸福的話，這代表你給了他們決定你幸福的權利，但決定權不在他們，而是在你。

Yes, we naturally desire certain things.

是的，我們自然會渴望某些東西。

However, we are the only ones who get to decide if that is something that is a part of our happy.

然而，我們是唯一能夠決定那東西能不能成為我們快樂的一部分的人。

Happiness is⏤and always will be⏤an inside job.

幸福是，並將永遠是，一項取決於自己想法的事。

Number three, acknowledge that you are not at fault for your childhood pain.

第三，明白你童年的痛苦，並不是你的錯。

Toxic parents manipulate, and a part of it is convincing the child that all the abuse is their fault.

有毒父母善於操控人心，其中一部分就是說服孩子所有的傷害都源於他們自己的錯。

That's not true.

那不是真的。

Perhaps they implied, or outright said, that if you hadn't done this thing or acted that way, they would never have gotten angry, would never have been forced to abuse you.

也許他們暗示或直截了當地說，如果你當時沒有做那件事或那樣的行為，那他們就不會發火了，也不會被迫去傷害你。

They're leaving out that if it wasn't that thing, it would've been something else.

但他們沒說，如果不是因為那件事，也會是因為另一件事。

The abuse is because of their defect, not yours.

傷害你是他們的過錯，不是你的。

Their inability to deal with their own shortcomings is why they blamed you.

他們沒有能力處理自己的缺點才是他們指責你的原因。

It wasn't your fault then, and it isn't now.

在當時不是你的錯，現在也不是。

Number four, you are not irreparably broken.

第四、你不會一輩子是不完整的。

When your past haunts you, it's easy to slide into the belief that the childhood wounds will never heal, forever thwarting your ability to have a healthy relationship.

當過去縈繞在你心頭，你很容易就會陷入兒時創傷永不會癒合的想法中 ，這會一直阻撓你建立健康關係的能力。

All right, Morpheus time.

好了，靜一靜。

What if we told you that it's perfectly possible to heal?

如果我們告訴你，那完全有可能痊癒呢？

The caveat is that, well, it's gonna take effort on your part.

需要注意的是，嗯…這之中需要你的努力。

We understand it won't be easy.

我們知道這並不容易。

However, the fact that you recognize the trauma is affecting you and your ability to form a healthy relationship means you're already practicing self-awareness.

然而，當你查覺到創傷正在影響你及你建立健康關係的能力時，這意味著你已經在實踐自我意識了。

You see the issue and know it.

你看見了這個問題，並且知道問題所在。

If you know what it is, you can grab that little monster and deal with it, like reach out to a professional for effective guidance.

如果你知道它是什麼，你就可以抓住那個煩人的小怪物並處理掉它，像是向專業人士求助以獲得有效指導。

For example, talk therapy helps you process your past and increase your level of self-awareness.

例如，談話療法能幫助你處理自己的過去，並提高自我意識水準。

And number five, forgiving them is not required for healing to begin.

第五、療傷不一定代表你得原諒他們。

As much as we all make gripe about adulting, there is one advantage.

我們都對長大有很多不滿，但長大是有個好處的。

You have the capacity and freedom to care for yourself.

你有照顧自己的能力和自由。

Your nurture, comfort, and improvement are no longer dependent upon your parents.

你不再需要依賴父母來養育、安慰和督促你進步。

You are not required to forgive what they did.

你不需要原諒他們的所作所為。

You do need to acknowledge that it happened, though, so you can squeeze the release clasp stopping their garbage from dragging you down.

不過，你還是需要承認它的發生，如此你就可以擺脫枷鎖，阻止這些事繼續拖累你。

Having toxic parents may start in your childhood, but you're not obligated to let it haunt and guilt you for the rest of your life.

有毒父母可能從你的童年開始影響著你，但你不用讓這些影響繼續在餘生中糾纏著你，讓你感到內疚。

Grasp your identity.

掌握自己。

Allow yourself to acknowledge your strength to accept what happened and heal.

清楚認知自己的力量，接受所發生的事，並治癒自己。

You are no longer a child, and they do not decide your future.

你不再是個孩子了，而他們也不能決定你的未來。

Did any of these tips surprise you?

這些建議中是否有讓你驚訝的呢？

Do you recognize any of this in others?

你有在別人身上發現過這些嗎？

Please discuss, comment, and give us a like.

在下方留言討論或評論，並給我們一個喜歡。

Catch you next time.

下次見囉。