LATE SHOW."

遲到的演出。"

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你們的主持人，Stephen Colbert。

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, IT'S BEEN WHAT, IT'S BEEN

（歡呼聲和掌聲）好吧，它是什麼，它一直是

48 HOURS, LET'S SAY, AND AMERICA IS STILL REELING FROM

比方說，48小時後，美國仍在對其進行反思。

MONDAY'S LEAKED SUPREME COURT DECISION OVERTURNING "ROE V.

週一洩露的最高法院裁決推翻了 "Roe訴 "案。

WADE."

韋德。"

IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.

它突然出現了。

BECAUSE WITH INFLATION, THE PANDEMIC, RISING FASCISM,

因為隨著通貨膨脹，大流行，法西斯主義的崛起。

UKRAINE, THIS WASN'T EXACTLY AN ISSUE ON THE FRONT BURNER.

烏克蘭，這並不完全是一個擺在眼前的問題。

IN FACT, BACK IN 2021, A GALLUP POLL ASKED WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT

事實上，早在2021年，一項蓋洛普民意調查就詢問了人們的想法

THE MOST IMPORTANT PROBLEM FACING THE U.S. WAS, AND FEWER

美國面臨的最重要的問題是，而且是更少的問題

THAN HALF OF 1% ANSWERED ABORTION.

1%中的一半以上回答墮胎。

BY MARCH OF 2022, THAT NUMBER WAS ZERO.

到2022年3月，這個數字為零。

CLEARLY, AFTER 50 T TURBULENT YEARS, "ROE" WAS FINALLY NO

顯然，在經歷了50年的動盪之後，"狍子 "終於沒有了。

LONGER A FIVE-ALARM FIRE.

更是一場五級大火。

BUT THE CONSERVATIVE MAJORITY DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEIR STANDARD

但保守的大多數人決定遵循他們的標準

PROTOCOL: IN CASE OF NO EMERGENCY, BURN, BABY, BURN.

協議：在沒有緊急情況的情況下，燒吧，寶貝，燒吧。

IF PEOPLE DIDN'T CONSIDER THIS A PRESSING ISSUE BEFORE, THEY SURE

如果人們以前不認為這是一個緊迫的問題，他們肯定會

DO NOW.

現在就做。

LAST NIGHT, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE SHOWED UP TO PROTESTS IN

昨晚，數以千計的人参加了在北京舉行的抗議活動。

WASHINGTON D.C.; NEW YORK CITY; AUSTIN, TEXAS; AND LOS ANGELES.

華盛頓特區、紐約市、德克薩斯州奧斯汀市和洛杉磯市。

CALIFORNIA.

加利福尼亞州。

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE.

（歡呼聲和掌聲）那是很多人的。

THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE.

那是很多人的事。

USUALLY, YOU ONLY GET CROWDS LIKE THAT WHEN DELTA ANNOUNCES

通常情況下，只有在德爾塔公司宣佈的時候才會出現這樣的人群。

THEY'VE BEGUN PRE-BOARDING.

他們已經開始預先登機。

( LAUGHTER ) "I REFUSE TO STAY SEATED UNTIL

(笑聲) "我拒絕留在座位上，直到

YOU CALL MY ZONE!

你叫我的區！

OF COURSE. AFTER YEARS OF PACKING THE SUPREME COURT WITH

當然了。經過多年來最高法院的包裝

THE EXPRESS INTENTION OF OVERTURNING "ROE V.

明確的意圖是推翻 "Roe訴"。

WADE," REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS TOOK A VICTORY LAP.

韋德，"國會中的共和黨人走了一條勝利之路。

JIMMY, SHOW THEIR CELEBRATION: OH, RIGHT.

吉米，展示他們的慶祝活動：哦，對。

I FORGOT.

我忘了。

THEY'RE COWARDS.

他們是懦夫。

BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT'S REALLY UNPOPULAR.

因為他們知道這真的不受歡迎。

SO THEY DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THE ACTUAL DECISION.

所以他們沒有談及實際的決定。

INSTEAD, REPUBLICANS FOCUSED ON THE UNPRECEDENTED NATURE OF THE

相反，共和黨人把重點放在了前所未有的性質上。

LEAK ITSELF.

洩漏本身。

LOOK, I CAN UNDERSTAND THE ARGUMENT THAT THIS LEAK IS BAD

聽著，我可以理解關於這次洩漏是壞事的說法。

FOR THE INSTITUTION OF THE SUPREME COURT.

為最高法院的機構。

BUT COME ON, DID YOU THINK WAITING TO RELEASE IT THIS

但拜託，你以為等到了這個時候才發佈嗎？

SUMMER WAS GOING TO MAKE IT A HOT BEACH READ: YOUR BODY, HIS

夏天是要讓它成為一個炎熱的海灘閱讀：你的身體，他的

CHOICE.

選擇。

( LAUGHTER ) THE TOP REPUBLICAN DRIVING THE

(笑聲) 共和黨的最高領導層在駕駛著汽車。

OUTRAGING ABOUT THE LEAK IS SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND LEAD

對洩密事件感到憤怒的是參議院少數黨領袖和領導人

SINGER FOR "HOOTIE AND THE BLOBFISH,"

"Hootie and the blobfish "的演唱者。

THERE YOU GO.

你去那裡。

I THOUGHT IT WAS DARIUS.

我以為是Darius。

NO?

不？

MITCH McCONNELL.

MITCH McCONNELL.

YESTERDAY, A REPORTER GAVE McCONNELL THE OBVIOUS CREDIT FOR

昨天，一位記者給麥克康奈爾的明顯評價是："他是一個很好的人。

THE DECISION, BUT HE WAS STRANGELY HUMBLE ABOUT IT:

這個決定，但他對此感到奇怪的謙虛。

>> YOU SPENT DECADES TRYING TO REMAKE THE COURT, OVERTURN

>> 你花了幾十年時間試圖重塑法院，推翻

"ROE."

"ROE"。

YOU'RE POSSIBLY SINGLEHANDEDLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE 6-3

你可能要獨自對6-3事件負責。

MAJORITY.

大多數。

SO DO YOU TAKE PERSONAL CREDIT FOR ABORTION RIGHTS LIKELY TO GO

所以，你把個人的功勞歸功於墮胎權可能去

AWAY FOR MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY?

為這個國家的數以百萬計的人帶走？

>> YOU KNOW, I THINK THE STORY TODAY IS AN EFFORT BY SOMEONE ON

>> 你知道，我認為今天的故事是一個人的努力，在

THE INSIDE TO DISCREDIT THE INSTITUTION OF THE SENATE.

詆譭參議院制度的內幕。

>> Stephen: COME ON!

>> 斯蒂芬：來吧！

YOUR INGENIOUS PLOT WORKED.

你巧妙的陰謀成功了。

WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE?

為什麼你不想慶祝？

IT'S LIKE A BOND VILLAIN SAYING, "YES, I DID LAUNCH A SPACE-BASED

這就像一個債券反派說，"是的，我確實發射了一個基於空間的

LASER FROM MY VOLCANIC FORTRESS, BUT GIVING ME CREDIT FOR

從我的火山堡壘中發射脈衝光，但對我的功績

INCINERATING LONDON IS JUST AN EFFORT TO DISCREDIT MY FLUFFY,

焚燒倫敦只是為了詆譭我的蓬頭垢面。

WHITE CAT."

白貓。"

4R5U6 LAUGH "ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SNUGGLES."

4r5u6笑道："不是嗎，依偎。"

( LAUGHTER ) STAY!

( 笑聲 ) 留下來!

STAY!

留下來!

( APPLAUSE ) VERY OBEDIENT CAT.

（掌聲）非常聽話的貓。

VERY OBEDIENT.

非常聽話。

( APPLAUSE ) HE MITCHED ON:

(鼓掌)，他就開始了。

>> ALL OF THIS PUTS THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.

>>所有這些都是本末倒置的。

YOU NEED, IT SEEMS TO ME-- EXCUSE THE LECTURE-- TO

在我看來，你需要--原諒我的說教--來

CONCENTRATE ON WHAT THE NEWS IS TODAY, NOT A LEAKED DRAFT, BUT

專注於今天的新聞，不是洩露的草案，而是

THE FACT THAT THE DRAFT WAS LEAKED.

該草案被洩露的事實。

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT THE HUH?

(笑) >> 斯蒂芬：什麼是HUH？

MITCH, IS EVERYTHING OKAY IN THE OLD SQUIRREL CAGE?

米奇，老松鼠的籠子裡一切都好嗎？

YOU BEEN SNACKIN' ON PAINT CHIPS?

你一直在吃油漆碎片嗎？

BECAUSE YOU'RE IGNORING THE IMPORTANT PART.

因為你忽略了重要的部分。

YOU'RE LIKE A HUSBAND GETTING A RANSOM NOTE:

你就像一個丈夫收到了一張贖罪書。

"OH, MY GOD!

"哦，我的天啊！

LOOK AT ALL THE LETTERS THEY CUT OUT OF A MAGAZINE.

看看他們從雜誌上剪下來的所有字母。

THEY'VE RUINED MY COLLECTION OF "NATIONAL GEOGRAPHICS"!

他們毀了我收藏的 "國家地理"!

MARGARET, MARGARET, COME AND SEE THIS!

瑪格麗特，瑪格麗特，快來看看這個!

OH, MARGARET'S MISSING."

哦，瑪格麗特失蹤了。"

>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT THE NOTE SAYS, SHE'S MISSING.

>> 喬恩。紙條上是這麼說的，她失蹤了。

>> Stephen: AND VERY EXPENSIVE.

>> 斯蒂芬：而且非常昂貴。

McCONNELL IS NOT ALONE.

麥康奈爾不是一個人。

THERE WAS ALSO OUTCRY FROM SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND NEWEST

南卡羅來納州的參議員和最新的議員也發出了強烈的抗議。

MEMBER OF "HOOTIE AND THE BLOBFISH," LINDSEY GRAHAM.

"胡迪和小魚 "的成員，林賽-格拉姆。

GRAHAM CHIMED IN WITH THIS: >> WHAT HAPPENED TO THE COURT

格拉漢姆也加入了這個行列。>> 法院發生了什麼

TODAY WAS THE SADDEST CHAPTER IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES

今天是美國曆史上最悲慘的一頁

SUPREME COURT.

最高法院。

>> Stephen: "THE SADDEST CHAPTER"?

>> 斯蒂芬："最悲慘的一章"？

SO, SENATOR GRAHAM IS COOL WITH THE "DRED SCOTT" DECISION THAT

所以，格雷厄姆參議員對 "德雷德-斯科特 "案的裁決沒有意見，他認為

SAID BLACK PEOPLE ARE PROPERTY, "PLESSY V. FERGUSON" THAT

說黑人是財產，"Plessy訴Ferguson "說

ESTABLISHED JIM CROW SEGREGATION, AND "BUCK V.

確立了吉姆-烏爾的種族隔離，以及 "巴克訴"。

BELL," WHICH SAID IT WAS OKAY TO STERILIZE THE MENTALLY ILL.

鍾，"它說對精神病患者進行絕育是可以的。

I'M GUESSING, TO LINDSAY GRAHAM, THE SADDEST PART OF A FUNERAL IS

我猜想，對林賽-格雷厄姆來說，葬禮中最悲哀的部分是

WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF LEMON BARS.

當他們的檸檬棒用完時。

AS USUAL, FOX NEWS WAS COMMITTED TO NOT REPORTING THE NEWS AND

像往常一樣，福克斯新聞致力於不報道新聞和

INSTEAD REPORTING SPIN THE LEAKED DRAFT INTO A WIN FOR

而不是報告將洩露的草案變成了一個贏家。

DEMOCRATS.

DEMOCRATS.

>> THIS IS A GODSEND FOR A LOT OF DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES.

>>這對很多民主黨候選人來說是個天大的好消息。

>> DEMOCRATS CLEARLY USING THIS FOR THE MIDTERMS.

>>民主黨人顯然是在為中期選舉使用這個。

THEY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT INFLATION.

他們不願意談論通貨膨脹。

THEY WANT TO TALK ABORTION.

他們想談論墮胎。

>> IT'S VERY CURIOUS TO ME THAT THE DEMOCRATS WEREN'T TALKING

>> 對我來說非常奇怪的是，民主黨人並沒有談論

ABOUT IT UNTIL TODAY.

直到今天。

>> Stephen: YEAH, TYPICALLY, PEOPLE WAIT UNTIL SOMETHING

>> 斯蒂芬: 是的，通常情況下，人們會等到有事情發生的時候才去做。

HAPPENS TO TALK ABOUT IT.

碰巧談及此事。

( LAUGHTER ) NOBODY ON THE "TITANIC" WAS

( 笑聲 ) "泰坦尼克號 "上沒有人是

COMPLAINING ABOUT ICEBERGS WHEN THEY LEFT THE HARBOR.

他們離開港口時抱怨冰山。

BUT, THEN ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH, IT WAS, "ICEBERG DEAD AHEAD"

但是，大約在一半的時候，它是，"冰山在前面"。

THIS, AND "NEVER LET GO...

這一點，以及 "永遠不要讓...

GLUG, GLUG, GLUG" THAT.

咕嚕，咕嚕，咕嚕 "那。

( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW!

(掌聲) 我不知道!

ONE REPUBLICAN TOOK A BREAK FROM ATTACKING THE LEAKER TO VILIFY

一位共和黨人從攻擊洩密者中抽身出來詆譭

WOMEN INSTEAD.

婦女代替了。

I'M TALKING ABOUT FLORIDA REPUBLICAN AND SUBWAY RIDER

我說的是佛羅里達州的共和黨人和地鐵騎手

CHEERING ON THE MASTURBATOR, MATT GAETZ.

為手淫者馬特-蓋茨歡呼。

IN RESPONSE TO THE NATIONWIDE PROTESTS, THIS MORNING, GAETZ

為迴應全國範圍內的抗議活動，今天上午，蓋茨

TWEETED, "HOW MANY OF THE WOMEN RALLYING AGAINST OVERTURNING

在推特上說，"在集會反對推翻的婦女中，有多少人？

"ROE" ARE OVER-EDUCATED, UNDER-LOVED MILLENNIALS WHO

"狍子 "是受教育程度過高、缺乏愛心的千禧年人，他們

SADLY RETURN FROM PROTESTS TO A LONELY MICROWAVE DINNER WITH

悲哀地從抗議活動中返回到一個孤獨的微波爐晚餐與

THEIR CATS AND NO BUMBLE MATCHES?"

他們的貓和沒有大黃蜂的火柴？"

NOW, FOLKS, IF THAT STATEMENT SOUNDS INSANE, REMEMBER: FOR

現在，夥計們，如果這句話聽起來很瘋狂，請記住。為

MATT GAETZ, OVER-EDUCATED IS ANY WOMAN WHO'S ALREADY GRADUATED

馬特-蓋茨，受教育程度過高是指任何已經畢業的女性

HIGH SCHOOL.

高中。

( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE-- MEANWHILE?

(掌聲) 同時--同時？

NOT MEANWHILE.

並非如此。

WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON.

還發生了什麼事。

OVER IN THE PANDEMIC, COVID-19 CASES AND HOSPITALIZATIONS ARE

在這一流行病中，covid-19病例和住院人數是

RISING AGAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.

在美國再次崛起。

HOW MANY COMEBACKS DOES COVID GET?

科維德有多少次回擊的機會？

IT'S THE MEL GIBSON OF VIRUSES.

它是病毒中的梅爾-吉布森。

( LAUGHTER ) CASES ARE GOING UP IN

(笑聲)案件正在上升中

WASHINGTON, MISSISSIPPI, GEORGIA, MAINE, HAWAII, SOUTH

華盛頓州、密西西比州、喬治亞州、緬因州、夏威夷州、南部

DAKOTA, NEVADA, AND MONTANA.

達科他州、內華達州和蒙大拿州。

COME ON!

來吧!

HOW DOES IT POSSIBLY SPREAD FROM PERSON TO PERSON IN MONTANA?

在蒙大拿州，它怎麼可能在人與人之間傳播？

EVERY PERSON IS 20 MILES APART TO GIVE SOMEONE COVID, YOU HAVE

每個人都相隔20英里，要給別人提供科維德，你必須

TO LICK A PRAIRIE DOG AND THROW IT THROUGH THE WINDOW OF A

舔了一隻草原狗，然後把它扔進了一輛汽車的窗戶。

HOMESTEAD.

家園。

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( 笑聲 ) ( 掌聲 )

I BELIEVE-- I BELIEVE THEY STILL HOMESTEAD THERE, RIGHT?

我相信......我相信他們仍然在那裡自耕自食，對嗎？

MONTANA STILL HAS CABINS.

蒙大拿州仍有小木屋。

THE RISE IN CASES CAN BE BLAMED ON NEWER, FITTER DESCENDANTS OF

患病人數的增加可以歸咎於新的、更合適的後代，也可以歸咎於新的、更合適的後代。

THE OMICRON VARIANT.

omicron的變體。

COME ON, OMICRON.

來吧，Omicron。

WE BROKE UP WITH YOU, AND NOW YOU'RE GETTING FITTER?

我們和你分手了，而你現在變得更健康了？

I HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE ABS, OR IN A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS, WE MIGHT

我希望你沒有腹肌，否則在脆弱的時刻，我們可能。

HOOK UP AGAIN.

再度勾通。

( LAUGHTER ) ONE MAJOR SUBVARIANT MAKING THE

(笑聲)一個主要的亞變量使

ROUNDS IS A SPINOFF OF OMICRON'S BA.2 SUBVARIANT, CALLED

rounds是omicron的ba.2子變量的一個衍生品，叫做

B2.12.1.

B2.12.1.

EVIDENTLY, THE W.H.O. RAN OUT OF GREEK LETTERS, SO NOW THEY'RE

顯然，W.H.O.的希臘字母用完了，所以現在他們是

JUST USING THE PASSWORD THAT COMES WITH YOUR ROUTER:

只需使用你的路由器附帶的密碼。

( AS DOCTOR ) MR. JOHNSON, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.

（作為醫生）先生。約翰遜，請坐。

WE RAN THE TESTS AND, UNFORTUNATELY, YOU'RE POSITIVE

我們進行了測試，不幸的是，你是積極的。

FOR LOWER CASE B, AMPERSAND, 5, 6, CAPITAL Z AS IN ZAVID,

為小寫的b，安培爾，5，6，大寫的z，如zavid。

9,2,9, UNDERSCORE-NETGEAR, AND THEN A CAPITAL "O," OR A ZERO.

9,2,9，下劃線-netgear，然後是一個大寫的 "o"，或一個零。

THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING."

沒有辦法知道。"

( LAUGHTER ) BUT THINGS--

（笑聲）但事情 --

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ONE PLACE WHERE COVID IS TAKING

( 歡呼聲和掌聲 ) 一個地方，Covid正在採取

OFF AGAIN IS OUR NATION'S CAPITAL.

再次關閉是我們國家的首都。

ONE PLACE WHERE COVID IS TAKING OFF AGAIN IS OUR NATION'S

一個地方的covid正在再次起飛，那就是我們國家的

CAPITAL.

資本。

A BUNCH OF FOLKS TESTED POSITIVE AFTER ATTENDING THE WHITE HOUSE

一群人在參加白宮活動後檢測出陽性反應

CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER, INCLUDING ABC NEWS' CHIEF

報道稱，在記者晚宴上，包括美國廣播公司的首席新聞官

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT, JONATHAN KARL, WHICH IS

華盛頓記者喬納森-卡爾，這是

PARTICULARLY WORRISOME, BECAUSE AT THE DINNER, KARL SHOOK HANDS

特別令人擔憂的是，在晚宴上，卡爾和我握了手。

WITH PRESIDENT BIDEN-- A STORY THAT POLITICO REPORTED AS

與貝登總統的關係--政治家報道的故事是

"JONATHAN KARL TESTS POSITIVE FOR COVID AFTER SITTING NEXT TO

"喬納森-卡爾在坐了一個人的旁邊後，對科維德檢測呈陽性。

KIM KARDASHIAN."

金-卡戴珊。"

WELL, OF COURSE THAT'S THEIR LEDE.

嗯，當然這是他們的標題。

YOU WANT THE PRESIDENT TO BE HEALTHY, BUT COME ON, WE'VE HAD

你希望總統是健康的，但拜託，我們已經有了

45 OF THOSE GUYS.

這些人中有45人。

THERE'S ONLY ONE FOUNDER OF SKIMS SHAPEWEAR.

只有一位Skims塑身衣的創始人。

I'M WEARING ONE RIGHT NOW.

我現在就穿了一件。

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S SO SMOOTHING.

(笑聲)它是如此的順暢。

EVEN WORSE, THE DINNER WAS SATURDAY, AND ON MONDAY, KIM

更糟糕的是，晚餐是在星期六，而在星期一，Kim

WENT TO THE MET GALA, WHICH-- I DON'T THINK I NEED TO REMIND

我想我不需要提醒你，我去參加了紐約市的晚宴。

YOU-- WAS ATTENDED BY ALL OF THE KARDASHIANS FOR THE FIRST TIME

你......是所有卡戴珊家族第一次參加的活動

EVER.

始終如一。

THANKS A LOT, JONATHAN KARL.

非常感謝，喬納森-卡爾。

YOU MAY HAVE JUST KNOCKED OUT OUR ENTIRE NATIONAL KARDASHIAN

你可能剛剛打掉了我們整個國家的卡戴珊。

RESERVE.

儲備。

( LAUGHTER ) WHO WILL WE KEEP UP WITH NOW??

(笑聲)我們現在要跟上誰？

THE HILTONS?

HILTONS？

DO THEY EVEN MAKE A LIP KIT?

他們甚至做了一個脣部套裝嗎？

( LAUGHTER ) AND, WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT

( 笑聲 ) 而且，我們剛剛發現，

AFTER ATTENDING THE DINNER, SECRETARY OF STATE ANTONY

參加完晚宴後，美國國務卿安東尼

BLINKEN TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID.

blinken對covid檢測呈陽性。

NOW, MAYBE I'M OUT OVER MY SKIS HERE, BUT I'M STARTING TO THINK

現在，也許我是在我的滑雪板上，但我開始認為

THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE SERVED DINNER "LADY AND THE TRAMP"

他們不應該提供 "女士與流浪漢 "的晚餐

STYLE.

風格。

( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

(笑聲) 我們為你準備了一場精彩的演出

TONIGHT.

今天晚上。

MY GUESTS ARE GLENN CLOSE AND SHERYL CROW.

我的客人是格倫-關和謝麗爾-克羅。

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MY WIFE, EVIE, AND I HAVE SOME FIRST

但當我們回來時，我的妻子，Evie，和我有一些第一個

DRAFTS OF MOTHER'S DAY CARDS.

母親節賀卡的草稿。

STICK AROUND.

粘在一起。