My teen purposely pushes my buttons.

Your teen is not consciously pushing your buttons.

Playing certain sports can make your teen grow taller.

If there were a sport like that,

everyone would probably be doing that sport.

Parents shouldn't talk to their kids about sex.

Children have riskier behavior

when they don't talk to their parents

about sex and sexuality. It's not the reverse.

Hi, I'm Dr. Blair Hammond, general pediatrician

at Mount Sinai Hospital, where I've been for 18 years.

I'm also the cofounding director

and director of medical education

of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center.

Hi, I'm Dr. Aliza Pressman,

I'm a developmental psychologist.

I'm an assistant clinical professor at Mount Sinai Hospital

and the other cofounder

of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center.

I'm also the host of the podcast Raising Good Humans.

Today, we'll be debunking myths about parenting teens.

And we're both parents of teens.

Yes.

Adolescence starts at 13 and ends at 18.

This is a myth.

It feels very comfortable to keep adolescents

in a small window.

Puberty can start as early as 8 or 9.

It doesn't just end at 18

where their prefrontal cortex is at full growth

and they're ready to go out into the world.

They still are experiencing changes into their 20s.

And this prefrontal cortex that we talk about

is this area right in the front part of the brain

that's involved with judgment, inhibition, even morality.

It's important to remember

that adolescence is a time of tremendous growth. In fact,

it's the second largest brain growth period

after that first 0-to-3 period.

All teenagers are risk-takers

who want to try drugs and alcohol.

This is not true.

Certainly, adolescence is a risk-taking time, as we know,

and it's a time of experimenting.

But many adolescents do not try alcohol or drugs.

One thing that happens in adolescents

is they are more all gas and no brakes,

and so it can mean that their impulse control

isn't mature enough to make decisions,

particularly with groups of other adolescents.

And the other thing to remember

is that the teenage brain hyper-rationalizes,

so their tendency is to look at the positive outcome.

So if you're going to get into a car,

and you've been with people who are drinking

or you've been drinking,

an adolescent brain that's hyper-rationalizing is going to say,

"There's only a 10% chance that something bad will happen."

What you want them to do is move to just thinking,

the bigger picture, what does that 10% look like?

And is that what I want for another human being or me

putting their life at danger, putting my life at danger.

And of course the answer is no.

Strict parents raise well-behaved children.

If we could change this

to strict parents sometimes raise well-behaved children

in front of them,

that would be the only way this would be true.

Strict, controlling parents may have kids

who seem like they behave,

but they have covert behaviors that are terrifying

because they are more scared of getting in trouble with you

than they are the actual danger.

If you have no boundaries and expectations,

you also can get kids who get into a lot of trouble

and make poor decisions.

Hammond: High expectations of children --

Pressman: Is great.

Hammond: Having boundaries, setting limits for your child

in a warm and sensitive way where you collaborate

and you're like,

"OK, does this seem reasonable?"

What's considered authoritative parenting,

you are less likely to have kids who act out

and misbehave in ways that are dangerous.

And I think that's what every parent

is trying to teach their child

to have that intrinsic motivation to make good choices

on their own.

Teens are addicted to social media.

For a lot of teens, it's not about addiction,

it's just about connection.

Addiction happens when you get rewards intermittently

and you keep seeking those rewards,

and you can't stop yourself

from wanting to seek those rewards.

And I think the word addiction is commonly used

when it interferes with a teen's ability to function

or to do other things they want to do.

That's when it becomes something

that you need to look at more seriously.

And then the other thing is,

remember, more than what you say,

what you do influences what your children do.

And so how can you make it something

that you both sort of learn together

and so it seems more of a discussion

and a collaborative decision about social media.

Playing certain sports can make your teen grow taller.

That is actually a myth.

If there were a sport like that,

everyone would probably be doing that sport.

So sports like volleyball and tennis

might give the appearance because it is helpful to be tall

in those sports,

but it is not the sport that has actually made them tall.

The No. 1 thing is actually genetics,

so looking at the height of each parent.

We talk about something called mid-parental height.

It is important to get good nutrition, adequate calories,

calcium, and vitamin D,

and also getting good sleep at night to help with growth.

I encouraged sports, but unfortunately,

the reason for encouraging sports

is not to make your child taller.

Playing video games will rot your teen's brain.

Mostly a myth.

So of course,

the research on video games and phones and social media

is tricky because there are a lot of confounding variables.

But for the most part,

the damage from video games that people talk about

are being sedentary,

that so much time sitting is very bad for kids.

And that violent video games

are connected with or associated with more aggressive behavior.

But actually only slightly.

Hammond: Teenagers do connect over video games,

which is something different than when we grew up

playing video games.

They now have these headsets,

and it's a way for them

to actually have social interactions.

Instead of thinking of video games as all bad,

try to understand them

and maybe even play them with your teen,

so that if that's something that they're into,

they can explain to you what's so exciting about it

and play it with you.

Teens don't need to take vitamins.

Hmm. I would say for some, this is a myth.

Some teenagers, they have very healthy diets,

and they get everything they need from their diets.

But there are a fair amount of teenagers

who are actually deficient, most commonly in vitamin D

and in iron, especially menstruating teens.

So iron is something you need for your red blood cells.

If you are bleeding every month,

you are using up red blood cells and needing more iron stores.

And it's also been shown recently

to help prevent inflammation.

Iron is often high in meats, green leafy vegetables,

but if your child is having heavy periods in particular,

that can make them at increased risk

for being iron-deficient, and in that case,

I would recommend a multivitamin.

My teen purposely pushes my buttons.

Pressman: Your teen is not consciously pushing your buttons.

They need to move away from their primary caregivers

and toward their peers.

That's part of the natural evolution of being a teen.

It hurts.

The other reason is to vent, and they need an outlet

and they need a place to just let go.

So oftentimes it feels personal,

they're pushing your buttons, but actually,

you are their safe haven,

they know you're not going anywhere,

no matter what they say to you, hopefully.

The repair is more important than the disconnect,

and that strengthens the relationship

and also builds their skill at coming together

after a disconnect.

Parents shouldn't talk to their kids about sex.

This is a common myth actually,

that if you talk to your kids about sex,

you're going to make them more interested in sex.

But actually, what has been shown

is that parents who talk to their children about sex

and have open discussions,

have kids more likely to engage in sex later

and are more likely to practice safe sex,

meaning decreased risk of sexually transmitted diseases,

decreased risks of teen pregnancy.

Pressman: Children have riskier behavior

when they don't talk to their parents about sex

and sexuality. It's not the reverse.

Not talking about something does not stop a behavior,

and in fact, it can be dangerous.

You want to be a person that they can ask questions to,

and that you can help them find the knowledge,

because if you don't, they have the internet,

they have many ways to look it up on their own,

and they can also feel like you're disapproving

and are not interested if you never bring it up.

There is no one right age to start talking about sex,

but what can be important is thinking about relationships,

about communication, about bodies, about puberty,

about sexuality, about intimacy.

And those are going to be part

of a long and wonderful relationship

that you're going to have with your child

because you're an askable parent.

Being depressed is a natural part of being a teenager.

First of all,

it is absolutely true that teenagers feel feelings bigger

and so they come across sometimes

as more emotionally charged.

So a sadness that occurs might sound like a louder sadness,

and that can be confusing when you actually have a teenager

who's experiencing depression

versus a teenager who's experiencing

the natural, much higher highs and lower lows

that are part of the adolescent brain.

Separately, depression is an epidemic in adolescents.

Eighty percent of the diagnoses in adults

were available and visible in adolescents.

Depression is so common, as you mentioned,

especially right now.

Sadly, suicide is the second leading cause of death

in children ages 10 to 24.

And there are specific symptoms of depression.

If they're really feeling sadness

to the point where they lose interest

in things they're usually interested in,

if they're socially withdrawn.

Depression can present as irritability.

Pressman: Yes.

Hammond: If you have a child who seems really angry

and really irritable,

that should be something you should investigate further

and have them talk about their feelings.

It lets them know that you're interested

in knowing how they feel and where they are.

And if you have suspicions

that your child might be having depression,

please make sure you contact their doctor and let them know,

because there's such great treatment out there.

I also try and encourage every teen

to think about mental health

like they think about physical health in a preventive way.

Exercising every day helps release endorphins