How long does it take to get over a breakup?

要花多少時間才能從分手走出來？

The good news is I've done the research for you.

好消息是，我為你做了研究。

The bad news is that you might not like the answer.

壞消息是，你可能 不會喜歡這個答案。

[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]

〔我正常嗎？〕 〔莫娜查拉比主持〕

See, a few years back,

幾年前，有好幾份刊物 都在宣傳一項研究，

a number of publications were touting a study

告訴它們的讀者，走出分手 需要十一週的時間。

telling their readers that it takes 11 weeks to get over a breakup.

也就是要花近三個月，表面 裝勇敢的背後卻在聽消沉的音樂。

That's nearly three months spent listening to depressing music

感覺起來可能比實際更長，但 也就是把日曆 APP 滑幾下而已。

while putting on a brave face.

沒什麼大不了的吧？

It might feel longer than it is,

不幸的是，沒那麼直觀。

but it's only a few swipes on the calendar app.

那些文章大大扭曲了那項研究。

No big deal, right?

事實上，那項研究完全沒有 談到走出分手要多久。

Well, unfortunately, it's not so straightforward.

它只著重在關係結束 之後的後續效應，

See, those articles drastically misrepresented that study.

對象是針對大學生，

In fact, the study never said anything

那完全是另一個複雜的問題。

about how long it takes to get over a breakup.

如果真的要回答 「走出分手需要多久」，

It only focused on the aftereffects of ending a relationship,

就得做縱貫性（長期）研究，

specifically among undergrads,

這種研究基本上 就得要追蹤一大票人，

which is a whole other can of worms.

從他們分手時就開始 年復一年地追蹤他們的進展。

To really answer that question

但這種研究在執行上 太昂貴也太複雜。

of how long it takes to get over a breakup,

所以，因為沒有適當的資料，

you would need to do a longitudinal study,

我決定去尋求專業協助。

a study that would basically follow a ton of people

我去找婚姻諮商師哈德·塔米爾醫生，

from the moment of their breakup

他有許多軼事經歷， 知道許多人的關係狀況，

and track their progress year after year after year.

不瞞各位，他也是我的婚姻治療師。

But studies like that are expensive and complicated to carry out.

我問他，他認為要花多久 才能走出分手。

So with no adequate data,

「我不認為有魔術數字存在……

I decided to seek professional help.

如果我們覺得我們能表達出 我們的感覺如何，不用壓抑，

I went to couples therapists, Dr. Hod Tamir.

一旦你能做其他事情， 能讓你投入、讓你分心，

He has anecdotal experience with countless people in relationships

到某個時點回首時，你會說：

and, full disclosure, he was my couple's therapist, too.

『對，那是我的前任，我們分了。』

So I asked him how long he thinks it takes to get over a breakup.

你會發現你的感受不那麼強烈了。

"I don't think there is a magic number ...

你巧遇對方時也不會覺得痛苦。」

If we feel like we can express ourselves in how we're feeling,

而資料也支持塔米爾醫生的理論。

we don't have to keep it bottled up.

有一項研究在探討 調節愛意的各種策略，

Once you're doing other things

也就是在探討能否用些簡單的 方法來改變你有多愛一個人？

that you're engaged with and distracted by,

研究發現，當受試者分心 去想前任以外的事，

then at some point you look back and like, 'Oh yeah, that's my ex.'

比如他們最愛的嗜好， 或理想的職涯，

And you notice that the feelings that you have are not as raw.

他們愛著前任的感受仍然不變，

You can bump into each other and not feel pain."

但他們的確感到較愉快。

And the data supports Dr. Tamir's theory.

用分心的方式開始感覺好一點， 這正是塔米爾醫生的建議。

One study looked at different strategies for love regulation.

研究也發現，從負面 重新評價的策略，

In other words, can a few simple methods change how much you love someone?

也就是去想你的前任 說過的爛話做過的鳥事。

The study found that when participants were distracted into thinking

確實會減少你對前任的愛。

about something other than their ex,

但也會讓你覺得「不愉快」，

like, their favorite hobby or ideal career,

我猜，那就是悲傷的意思。

their love feelings for their ex stayed the same,

最後，第三種策略比較禪，

but it did make them feel more pleasant.

就是對愛的感受重新評價。

Using distractions to start to feel better is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested.

做法是，受試者要冥想 像這樣的陳述：

The study also found that a negative reappraisal strategy,

「愛是人生的一部分」以及

essentially remembering all of the shit things your ex said and did,

「可以愛著沒有在一起的人」。

does decrease love feelings for your ex.

這項策略什麼都沒改變。

But it also makes you feel "unpleasant,"

總的來說，研究者的結論是， 我會避免使用科學術語來說，

and I'm guessing that means sad.

專注在前任不好的一面，

Finally, a third, more zen strategy known as reappraisal of love feelings.

能協助你減少愛的感覺。

For this, participants had to muse over statements like

至於用其他事物讓你分心， 就像我的治療師給的建議，

"Love is part of life"

能讓你感覺好一些。

and "It's OK to love someone I'm no longer with."

然而研究和塔米爾醫生都會告訴你，

Yeah, that changed nothing at all for them.

雖然分心是不錯的短期策略，

Overall, the researchers concluded,

卻不是長期的解決方案。

and I'm not using the scientific language here,

「花時間去處理它、了解它，

that concentrating on the bad things about your ex

其實是比較快的療癒方式， 比忽略它更好。」

can help you to feel less in love.

最終，為了我們自己 也為了我們未來的伴侶，

While distracting yourself with other subjects,

我們得要面對我們的感受。

as my therapist suggested,

所以，要花多少時間才能走出分手？

can actually make you feel better.

我們沒有足夠的 長期研究，無法得知。

However, the research and Dr. Tamir would both tell you

但，更重要的是，

that while distraction is good in the short term,

我學到，與其一直算日子，

it is not a long-term solution.

不如重新和我們熱愛的事物 連結，會讓我們更好。

"Taking that time to process and understand it

找事情來分心，準備好時 就把感受吐露出來。

is actually a much quicker way to heal than ignoring it."

如果這些都能做到，

Eventually, for the sake of ourselves and our future partners,

那麼，希望有一天，我們能 走出來且感覺還不錯。

we're going to have to face up to our feelings.

畢竟，那不就是我們在追求的嗎？

So how long does it take to get over a breakup?

Well, we don't have enough long-term studies to know.

But more importantly,

I've learned that instead of counting down the days,

we're much better off reconnecting with the things we love to do.

Finding something to distract us

and unpacking our feelings when we're ready.

If we can do all that,

then one day hopefully we'll come out of it feeling OK.

And in the end, isn't that what we're really after?